Chapter 24

It was all a blur. From the moment Todd was loaded into the ambulance, with Perry insisting on riding with him, to that current moment walking through Sacred Heart. Perry kept going like he always did, treating it like any other patient. Requesting, more like ordering, for help with Todd's alcohol poisoning.

Though no matter how out of it he felt the irony wasn't lost on Perry. The week before he had crazed thoughts of Todd dying. During their fight, a part of his enraged self wanted to kill him. Now Perry wanted nothing more than for the other man to be alive.

Still, it didn't stop Perry being mad with Todd. It was too similar to his situation. Perry felt like he was watching his own mistake. For some reason, he felt the need to tell Todd of the consequences of throwing JD's love away. Perry couldn't fathom why, he guessed it was to relieve his guilt, but he couldn't allow Todd to reject JD's love like he had done.

The one thing that was positive in the whole situation was that JD was clearly busy with something else and therefore hadn't seen them. Perry didn't want to deal with him, having to explain the situation. He knew it would upset JD immensely, which meant his ex would be better off to be far away from it for the time being.

"Doctor Cox, what happened with Todd? What the hell did you do?" Turk, having seen the commotion from afar, questioned the medical doctor. Naturally he figured another brawl between the two had happened.

Perry glared back at Turk. "I did nothing. Your fellow surgeon nearly drank himself to death at a downtown bar."

Turk's look softened into worry. "Is he going to be okay?"

"Pretty bad case of alcohol poisoning. But the doctors are doing what they can. He's getting his stomach pumped as we speak." Perry suddenly remembered the reason behind it all. "Where's JD?"

"Seeing a patient I guess, why?"

Perry grabbed Turk's arm in absolute seriousness. "Do not, repeat do not tell him of this."

A shocked Turk shook his head in disbelief. "You don't want me to tell my best friend that the man he loves could have died tonight?"

"What do you think is going to happen when he sees Todd like that? The last thing I need is a hysterical Newbie who'll insist on helping but ultimately do more harm than good." Perry told Turk sternly. "Besides, why do you think Todd was hiding all this? He clearly doesn't want JD seeing him all messed up like that."

"He's going to find out eventually." Turk looked towards the room. "You really think JD won't find out Todd's in there."

Perry was about to answer, but paused when he noticed JD now standing behind Turk. He had heard what they were saying; his eyes open in confusion and mouth slightly agape.

"What are you talking about?" JD looked from his best friend to his ex lover. "What happened?"

"JD, come to the doctor's lounge. We'll talk about it there." Perry tried to catch JD's arm to guide him away.

"I think I'll handle this." Turk pushed Perry's arm back and wrapped an arm around JD. "Let's go get some coffee and allow the doctors to do their job."

JD shook Turk's arm off. "I am a doctor in case you've forgotten and if Todd's in there I want to do everything I can to help."

JD stormed towards the room where Turk had been staring Todd was being kept. He managed to catch a glimpse of everyone at work through the window. Finally his gaze fell to Todd passed out on the bed. Paralysis took over JD's body.

"Todd!" JD cried out, about to leap into action. However, something held him in place. No matter how much he struggled JD couldn't get into the room. "Let go of me. Let me help him."

"You and I both know that's not a good idea." Perry continued gripping JD, preventing him from entering the room. He cried out to a nurse inside. "Shut the door and pull the shades."

"Why won't you let me see him or help him?" JD continued to struggle against Perry. "You fucking asshole!"

Perry pulled JD into a hug. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this."

Turk stepped in. "Come on Doctor Cox, let him go now."

Perry tried to explain. "You know its best that you stay out here. I can't have you going in there like this. You'll do more harm than good." He let go of JD, allowing Turk to take him.

Turk tried his best to calm JD down. "It's alright. We'll see him later."

JD kept staring at Perry with tear-filled eyes. Suddenly, he let go of all control he had and took a swing at the chief's face. The fist collided with Perry's cheek.

"Fuck you Perry." JD whispered maliciously.

Perry held his cheek. Despite the fact that JD was hardly Mike Tyson when it came to a punch, it still hurt; emotionally more than physically. The only reason he helped Todd was because of JD, but JD didn't trust him enough to believe that. Even though Perry predicted that he would be blamed rather than praised, it still bothered him immensely.

It was only at that moment that everything finally hit Perry. It wasn't Todd that was the issue with him and JD. Whatever JD felt for the surgeon was irrelevant. No matter what Perry did to rectify himself, JD would never hold that trust for him again.

Even if Todd was out of the picture and they did get back together, Perry knew deep down that it would never be the same. JD would always wonder if Perry would break his promise and hurt him again. Perry would always be the guy that hurt JD and threw his love away like garbage, then out of his own pride and greed messed with JD's happiness.

Perry realised standing in the hallway near the ICU, the cold hard truth was that JD would never love him again.

JD sat at a table in the cafeteria, staring into his coffee. He'd barely touched the drink since Turk had bought it to him, preferring to swirl the contents around. It was surely cool by now.

"Do you want me to get you a hotter coffee? Or maybe a soda?" Turk asked, trying to cheer up JD or at the very least get him to speak.

"No, I'm okay. I just want to sit here for awhile." JD pushed the cup to the side, fidgeting with his hands.

"You know I'm here for you buddy, right?"

"What's taking everyone so long? How long does it take to set up help for a simple case of alcohol poisoning? It happens all the time, what's going on?" JD ran his fingers through his hair, staring down at the table. "I just want to know how he is."

"I know you do; so do I." Turk replied, finishing off his own coffee.

Perry walked into the cafeteria, reluctant to head towards the two best friends. Hands in the pockets of his white coat and blood shot eyes saw him in pretty bad shape. He slowly made his way over to the table.

Turk stood up protectively. "Unless you have some news on Todd, get lost."

"I have to talk to JD." Perry looked down at the brunette still sitting down rather than the bald man in front of him. "Please, it's important."

"What the hell makes you think he wants to talk to you?" Turk made a move to shove Perry.

JD held up his hand to stop them. "It's okay Turk."

Turk decided to leave the two alone, but before he did he whispered to Perry. "If you hurt one inch of him, I will kill you. Understand?"

"Noted." Perry stated to get Turk to go away. He sat down at the table, opposite JD so he could get a good look at him. "How are you holding up?"

"I've been better." JD replied somewhat sarcastically.

"I'm sorry I couldn't let you see him. You understand why. Hell you've been through it plenty of times. The last thing you want is hysterical loved ones in the room when you're trying to work." Perry reached over and petted JD's arm in comfort. "You're a good doctor, but we both know you wouldn't have been on your game seeing Todd like that. Heck, I can barely stand him and seeing him like that disturbed me for a second."

"Thanks for helping him. I'm sorry I punched you." JD looked up at Perry, genuinely apologetic. "I'm just out of my mind."

"It's only natural when you love someone." Perry pulled his hand away from JD, unable to touch him anymore.

"I really do." JD blinked back a few emotional tears.

"As for punching me, that's just the way things are now." Perry sighed, swallowing the lump in his throat. "You don't trust me."

"Yes I do." JD replied too quickly, almost defensively.

"Maybe with patients and when you have to but other than that, you don't."

JD didn't want to admit that it was true, but it was. Their relationship had gone up and down until it finally crashed. The younger man didn't want to admit that he thought of his once love so negatively, but he did.

"You came to my place the other day and said you wanted closure with us." Perry reminded JD, staring seriously at him. "Remember?"

"Yeah." JD flashed back to that night.

"Well let me give you the facts JD. You don't love me." Perry hated admitting it aloud, as though it somehow made the truth even more real. "You wanted to love me because everything seemed to be falling into place. Heck you probably took it all as a sign. As much as I hate to believe in that stuff I found myself thinking the same. But no matter how logical it seems for us to be together, you're in love with Todd. You said it yourself, you'd rather wait for a chance that never comes with him than be with me again."

JD sighed at knowing it was all true. "Then why did I kiss you?"

Perry moved his chair closer to JD. He leaned over so that his face was close enough. "Kiss me now."

"What?" JD replied with confusion.

"Do you want to kiss me now? Would you let me kiss you?" Perry reached out a hand slowly, brushing JD's cheek.

JD couldn't believe the nerve of the chief. He batted the hand away and snapped. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Proving a point." Perry regretted having to prove it in such a way. His ego suffered a little bruise as a result. "Whether you choose to admit it or not, falling in love scared the living shit out of you; especially with someone who doesn't seem to make sense but yet somehow in your complicated, self-sabotaging brain is everything you want. You were so scared that Todd would hurt you, you made sure to get the first shot in and that, JD, is why I knew you would kiss me."

JD nodded in reply, feeling like a bit of an idiot. "Maybe you do know me better than I thought." Looking up at Perry, JD couldn't hold his curiosity in anymore. "So how is he?"

"The same as I am." Perry replied, letting out a self pitying chuckle. "Doing terrible without you. You know before he passed out, he asked for you."

"I thought he was doing okay. I mean, when I thought he was over me so fast…" JD could barely finish his thought. "Not that I wanted any of this to happen. God, why would he do this to himself?"

"You of all people should know how proud he is. If I was a betting man, I'd put my money on you being Todd's first real love. He probably just wanted the shit to stop for awhile. Besides, do you think the hurt person ever wants to show their sadness to the person that hurt them?" Perry managed a small smile. "You really think you're that easy to get over?"

JD managed a half-smile back. He was about to say something when Turk came over and interrupted them.

"If you want to see Todd, you can. He's not awake or anything but I figure you may want to see him." Turk realised he'd butted in. "I'll see you outside Vanilla Bear."

JD stood up from the table. "I better go."

"Yeah, I know." Perry replied, defeated.

JD reached over the table and squeezed Perry's hand. "You were wrong about one thing though Perry. I do love you."

"Please do NOT complete that sentence with 'but I'm not in love with you' because then all bets are off." Perry half snapped, just not wanting to hear anymore.

Perry didn't want to let JD know that his heart was filled with regret. He didn't want the younger man to see he was hurting. But as their eyes met, he knew JD could see right through him.

"I'll see you later, Perry."

JD stood outside the room, unsure of how long he'd been working up the courage to go in. He didn't know why it was so awkward, as he'd seen much worse in his years of being a doctor.

Turk came out of the room, looking at his best friend yet to go in. "Dude you've been standing there for nearly half an hour. The doorway's not that interesting."

"I guess going in there makes it real." JD replied softly. "How is he?"

"Well his vitals are…"

"No, not medical stuff." JD shook his head. "God why is this so hard."

Turk put an arm around JD. "You don't want to view Todd as a patient. Heck it terrifies all of us when someone we love ends up in the hospital. But he's going to be fine and I know that you're not going to let your lover wake up alone in the hospital."

"Well technically, we're not back together…"

"And you never will be if you don't get your ass in that room." Turk took JD by the arm and led him to the room. "One step at a time buddy. That's it."

JD let Turk guide him to the room, breathing deeply with every step. It felt like an eternity before he was over the threshold and staring at the man on the bed. JD paid no attention to the medical equipment, going straight for the chair Turk had put beside Todd's bed.

"I'll leave you two alone." Turk shut the door to give his friends some privacy.

JD gingerly took Todd's hand in both of his own, sandwiching it. The hand was colder than he remembered. He bent down and planted little kisses on the fingers. For a few minutes, JD remained silent and tried to remember the good times.

Finally he spoke, even though he knew Todd probably couldn't hear him. "Do you remember that day when we first kissed? You came over to cheer me up, bringing Jager and Hustler, neither of which I actually used but for some reason I kept all this time." JD ran his thumb back and forth over Todd's knuckles. "After you left, Perry and I hooked up; even though a part of me wanted to be with you so much."

JD fought the tears coming to his eyes, but once one spilled a couple of others followed. "The morning after, he beat me pretty bad. Kicks, punches the whole enchilada. Then he put me in bed, said he was sorry and left. Even though I begged him to stay, he just left. Then after he was gone all I kept thinking was, that I should have chosen you. I should have just done what you said and ignored him, been with you."

He wiped his eyes, letting out a little sad laugh at himself before continuing. "But even when I had the chance, I pushed you away. I wanted to choose you all this time, then the one time I did I go and mess it all up because my feelings for you scared me."

Letting go of Todd's hand, JD brushed a few stray hairs off Todd's forehead. He began stroking a finger up and down Todd's bare arm. "Over the years we've been friends, we've never been really close. I mean, it doesn't seem logical that you make me feel what I do. To think, all these years I had all this prejudice but now…I just want to be with you."

JD stood up and began pacing the room, eyeing Todd as he did so. He didn't know if his talking was helping and felt that he should be doing something productive. Staring up at Todd from the end of the bed, JD couldn't help but notice all the previously ignored medical equipment. He bit his lip, resting a hand on what he gathered to be Todd's foot. Even through the hospital blanket, it felt cold.

Bringing the chair to the foot of the bed, JD lifted up Todd's blanket to reveal the bare, cold tootsies. Gently he took one and began rubbing it to warm up the surgeon. For a brief moment, he allowed himself to fantasise and remember all the after work massages that came from them being a couple.

"You always gave the best back rubs." JD managed a brief smile as he rubbed Todd's other foot tenderly. "I guess you really are famous for them."

The door opened and Turk once again joined the two. He watched his best friend massage Todd's feet, hoping that it was the first step in making them both happy again.

"You know to call me if you need anything, okay." Turk said, stepping over to JD and touching his shoulder. "It appears that you're taking good care of him though. Todd will be better than fine when he wakes up."

"I hope so, even though his throat will hurt like a bitch from the stomach pumping."

Turk turned JD to face him, holding out something. "Here, just in case you get a little cold."

JD grabbed the jacket from his best friend. "I think Todd's the cold one here." As he felt the material and caught a slight whiff of the cologne that lingered on the material, JD realised. "This is Todd's jacket."

"Yeah, I thought you might want it. It was in his locker. I take it you'll be staying here."

"Thanks C-Bear." JD managed a weak smile of gratitude for his friend.

"Don't mention it, buddy. Take care of yourself, okay." Turk went to make his exit.

"See you later." JD waved to Turk as the door shut again.

He kept holding the jacket, inspecting it. A part of him wanted to slip it on, but as he looked up at Todd, JD wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. However, the memories and the scent were enough to tempt in into wearing it.

JD slipped it on, feeling instantly warmer as he did so. His only wish was that he could do the same thing for Todd. Feeling a little bump in the pocket, JD reached in to inspect what it was. He pulled out a tube of lubricant and couldn't help but laugh in his sadness.

"You really weren't kidding about your just in case supplies were you?" JD sniffled a little, putting the tube back in the pocket, though feeling something else in there. He reached in the other pocket to confirm his suspicions.

"Mmmm cashmere." JD said, pulling out the gloves in the pocket. Unable to resist, he began slipping them on. "I remember how good rubs felt with these babies on."

The gloves felt a little big, but JD wanted them on anyway. His curiosity peaked when he felt a piece of crumpled card in one of them. Pulling it out, he unfolded it to see what it was.

Within seconds, JD was staring at a picture of himself. It was the picture Todd had put up on The Todd Time website of him sleeping. JD had been a little annoyed when Todd posted it up, but the sweet caption below it melted his heart.

JD dreaming of The Todd, looking cute when he sleeps. Reminding The Todd of how lucky he is.

Walking over to the head of the bed, JD glanced down at Todd's face. He planted a slow and soft kiss on Todd's forehead. "I was the lucky one."

NOTE: Awww quite an angsty chapter, with a little side of fluffy. I still love writing this and I'm glad many enjoy reading it, even if the outcome differs from your particular wishes. The next chapter will be up soon, trying to make it really beautiful. Thanks for reading/reviewing.