Chapter 6
Come Back to Me
Harry POV
I sighed as I looked around my mostly empty room. A majority of my belongings were packed untidily into my trunk. Graduation ceremonies had just ended and I sat up in my room reflecting uneasily on the past few months.
I tried to keep a strong face for Ginny, but I think she could feel me pulling back. I had hoped that I would finally figure out where I was going in life, if Gin and I weren't close. But it hadn't worked. I could barely see what would happen in the next moment when I was with her. I was the consumed with her, I loved her too much. That's why it was so hard to pull away, I couldn't emotionally do it.
That was why I sat here; in my room, away from my friends and their families, away from all the celebrations and parties, away from all that was happy and joyful. Because I didn't feel any of those things, I hadn't felt anything but pain for a long time. Not when half of me wanted, no needed to leave, and half of me couldn't. I was being torn in two, and I couldn't do a single thing about it. I was incapable of that decision.
I tried to think about the next few hours, or days maybe. Tonight would be my last at Hogwarts. I had made it through all my schooling alive, for the most part. Tomorrow we would climb on the Hogwarts Express for the last time and head home. I didn't have anything planned beyond that. I couldn't move to Grimmauld Place, now, that everyone in the wizarding world knew I lived there. I wouldn't go live with the Weasley's, since I couldn't bring them into my hell.
A sudden thought occurred to me. I could get a flat I the middle of Muggle London, and be rid of the press and people who followed me around. But I pushed the thought away as soon as it entered my mind. It would never work. Ginny was going to train as a healer, and surely they would follow her and find my flat. And Ron and Hermione, their constant presence would ensure I'd be found. The only way would be to disappear from the wizarding world completely, and everyone in it.
A knock on my door pulled me back to reality. "Come in," I whispered hoarsely. My voice was raw and there were tears streaming down my face. The front of my shirt was soaked; I hadn't even noticed when I had begun to cry.
Ginny walked into my room and sat down right next to me. I could feel the heat from her body, though we weren't touching.
"Are you alright?" she whispered.
Without answering, I pulled her harshly against my chest, wrapping her as tightly in my arms as I could. We stayed silent for a while, not talking but just holding each other.
"Harry," her voice cracked, and I could feel the gentle shudder of her shoulders as she sobbed. "Just tell me what you're thinking. Don't be afraid of hurting me. Just…" she paused and turned to look up at my face and our eyes connected, "Just don't lie to me."
For a while I just gazed at her, memorizing the angles and planes of her beautiful face; committing her every curve to memory. I knew I could tell her the confusion I felt, but there was nothing she could do to help me. There was a fault line through me that no amount of time or love could mend.
"Gin," I whispered into her hair, "I'm so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I can't stand being followed and canonized anymore. I can't leave you, but I can't stay here. And you have to stay here. So I'm stuck. I can't live fully anymore, either way."
Ginny buried her head into my neck and I could feel her hot tears streaming down my neck. I could feel her warm breath on my damp skin. I just held her for a while, what else could I do?
"You have to leave," she whispered into my neck.
"What?!" I grabbed her arms and pushed her away from me, so I could see her face clearly.
"You have to leave," she repeated clearly. Her eyes were fierce and her mouth was set in a stubborn line. She was unwavering.
"You have to go find yourself. I can't help you, Ron can't help you and Hermione can't help you. Only you can."
"B-but..I…" I stuttered.
"No," she cut me off. "I am letting you go. You're free. Go figure out your life. I can't fix or help you anymore." Her bravado slipped and her voice cracked. Tears began to fall down her face in earnest now. "Just, when you find you, come back to me."
I pulled her hand against my chest, pressing my lips urgently to hers. Her hands were immediately in my hair, tangled in it, pulling me closer to her yet.
Part of me wondered if this was right. If I could actually leave, this would make it harder on both of us. She had my shirt off before I grabbed her hands.
"Gin, no. We can't." I croaked.
She closed her eyes, leaning forward and pressing her forehead against my bare chest.
"Just," she whispered, breathing cool air against me, causing my entire body to shiver, "Just let me say good-bye." She began pressing kisses down my chest and stomach. The pain in her voice was so excruciating; I couldn't refuse her.
"Okay," I whispered, and I let myself get pulled under the waves of pain and love.
I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling the entire night. Ginny had fallen asleep hours ago and her bare body still curled around mine, her head using my chest as a pillow. Her face was so peaceful in sleep. There was no way I'd be able to leave if I saw the pain in her features that I saw last night.
I was actually going to leave. The realization hit me like the Hogwarts Express. I was going to leave Ginny, after the night we just had, and disappear from the wizard world. And I hadn't the foggiest idea when I would come back, if I ever did.
I carefully moved Ginny off of my chest, and slid off the bed. As quietly as possible, I searched for my discarded clothing in the dark room. After finding them on the floor, I slipped them on and grabbed my trunk.
I paused at the door and looked back to Ginny. She still looked peaceful.
"I love you, I'm so sorry."
I crept down the hall and into the common room, careful to remain silent.
"Alright, let's go," a voice startled me from across the room. Draco sat in his armchair, fully dressed with his trunk.
"What??" I whispered.
"Yeah, like I'm going to let you take off into the muggle world alone. Besides, you are not the only one who needs to leave."
I nodded, and walked out the door into the hallway. We made our way silently outside of the castle. Once outside, I realized it was pouring rain. It was fitting, the rain. My life was a lot like rain, it was falling down around me, and I had very little control over it.
As we reached the edge of the property, I grabbed Draco's arm and turned on the spot.
My last glance of Hogwarts engrained in my head, and a flash of red hair in an upper window.
A/N please don't hurt me. Alot of you were worried that Harry was going to leave... and he did. Just have faith, and keep reviewing! :-)
-Sarah