"Excuse me: They do what now?"
Part 2
The blockish shape of the August Flower began to approach the orbit of planet XJ-Zippity. The quiet looking green planet was of great beauty, having a thriving rainforest full of new animal and plant life that covered most of its surface, with one ocean that seemed to resemble a kidney at the center of it all. It was a quiet forest that was scheduled to be demolished to make way for a highway connecting the planet's four research compounds. This was after all the reason why the USCM was being sent to investigate in the first place. The demolition team had just arrived and radioed in two months prior to the warship's arrival. They would have come sooner, but you see, four colonies going quiet took a month's worth of paper work to explain, so they were well aware of the situation a week after the team had last radioed in (company didn't care much about those backwater lots anyhow).
Lieutenant Wilson stood at attention, now having managed to get into full uniform. The entire team of twenty marines was stationed in front of him, but unlike him they had yet to dress- many keeping to bottoms, belts, boots and tank tops. They all looked as if they had just stumbled out of bed following one hell of a one night stand.
Normally he would take this as a moment to scold them all for their lack of formality, but at the moment his eyes couldn't look away from his shoes. A small white smear had somehow appeared on his right boot's toe, and for now the only thing on his mind was "How the fuck did that get there?"
"Officer on deck!" Sergeant Scott called out and suddenly everyone was standing at full attention. This also managed to get Wilson's attention away from his soiled boot. Though, it was kind of weird because he'd been standing there a good five minutes before the sergeant dropped this little announcement. Maybe he though the Lieutenant would address himself upon entry.
"Alright, listen up," Wilson began. "The situation is routine and there should be absolutely no- …Where the fuck is Jackson?"
"I'd say sucking some dick behind the APC, sir!" one private replied. The soldier's face remained entirely composed as he said so. This comment could be considered out of line by many, but the lieutenant refused to acknowledge this banter. Everyone knew that Jackson probably sucked dick. Whose dick they had no idea, but he was sucking some dick. Maybe he was sucking lots of dick…the Lieutenant wouldn't know, of course, due to a strong lack of caring.
"What the fuck, Anderson!" Private Jackson shouted, poking his head out from behind everyone else. He was after all the shortest member of the team, and it was dumb of him to stick in the back. She you're a man who's 5'7" you just don't stand behind the fuckers who are six feet tall.
"Found him, Lieutenant! He just wanted to prepare a sneak attack from behind!" Private Fincher shouted which was followed by the laughter of the other men in the company. Though some laughed not quote as loud- maybe they were Jackson's friends everyone seemed to reference. Once again, however the lieutenant didn't care enough to dwell on this or remember the suspects.
"Everyone just shut the fuck up!" Wilson called out, anger leaking into his tone. "I don't care who's sucking off no dicks or who's having no dicks sucked! Remember, as far as I'm concerned I am your mother, I am your father- and as of this moment I am your worst nightmare, so straighten up!"
"Hey, lieutenant," Private Scott called out. "I think Jackson wants you to play daddy for him!"
A few ass-kickings later the briefing was well on its way. At this point Wilson could feel his blood pressure rising, and he began to regret all those deep-fried cheeseburgers he had as a teen, because those had to be killing him now. Also, Wilson's desire for a tuna sandwich was literally drilling his sub-conscience like a prom date.
"Listen, marines, you all knows the mission. Standard procedure: investigation and possible search and rescue. There will be nothing special going on here so don't feel like you need to try and pull of any heroics. I will guarantee that there will be no stars given out for this mission, so don't even try it!" Like any of these ass clowns were capable of heroics without some outside motivation.
"Sergeant Scott, make sure that everyone is ready to move out in 0200 hours." He finally said. His stomach was aching like nobody's business and he needed to smack down on that contraband fish spread he kept in his office desk's drawer right now. That, plus some mayonnaise would make his day and help him keep his head in the metaphorically non-existent game.
Unfortunately, he wouldn't be able to sneak off so easy because the sergeant stopped him as soon as he had spun around to leave. Sometimes he just had the strangest feeling that everyone was out to get him and prevent him from smacking down on his beloved food.
"Sir, the men still need to eat. You told us to get here without hitting the mess first, and they all need to take time to eat if you wish them to perform efficiently." The sergeant said this with a salute and everything and all Wilson could think was Who the fuck decided on being formal when asking for ham and cheese?
Wilson was baffled. "Well I figured you wouldn't follow my words that literally! Jesus, got here forty-five minutes after I issued that order! You had plenty of time to 'mack on some fucking rations."
"And we were waiting her for forty-five minutes exactly, sir." The sergeant said this with great sincerity and by the look on his face Wilson could tell that these men were being fucking robots.
"Fine, fine, just go eat up! Go pound each other's asses out back for all I care- in fact I don't fucking care! Just be here in 0200-fucking-hours! Mother fucker!" he shouted before storming off. He didn't have the time or the patience to put up with another idiotic situation. In fact, he hoped that he didn't have to talk to another human being this entire mission.
Now if he hadn't been in such a rush to reach his precious sandwich he would have seen the scene that unfolded after he left: The one where the sergeant smiled and shouted out "Listen up everybody! Seconds are on me!" followed by the cheers and laughter of everyone in the hanger.