EPOV

Bella had left, ran out of here like the room was on fire, leaving me standing alone in the hall watching the elevator door shut. I guess I kind of deserved that. Defeat was evident in my face, my posture, in every fiber of my being as I slumped back into my room shutting the door softly behind me. Pawing through my suitcase I retrieved that small box, as I had many times before, grasping it in my hand before retreating to the bed I lay there with my eyes closed willing the images of Bella away.

It was official, it was over, I'd lost, she'd never be mine again. No matter how much I was still in love with her. And it was my own damn fault.

I knew I'd fucked up the day it happened. The thought of the crushed, confused look on her face, sickens me to this day. I thought it was for the best though. She'd head off to college free of me, I knew that I would just hold her back, keep her from growing into the person she was supposed to be, keep her from having all those experiences everyone is supposed to have in college, in life. Alice kept me up to date on Bella's life, I knew that the summer I left was terrible, Bella completely lost to the world, but she made friends at school and it got better for her. Not for me though. I was miserable in Europe, traveling alone, I thought of her constantly. I had a stash of gifts that I'd bought her along the way, I hoped that someday I'd have a chance to give to her.

And it got worse after the call.

I hadn't taken my cell phone with me. I didn't want that easy way to connect back, it had to be a clean break, it was only fair. My dad had been pissed when I said I wasn't taking it, but I promised to check in at least once a month. I'd been gone two months when my parents told me my mom, Elizabeth, was sick. I called again two weeks later, a diagnosis had been made, it was cancer, and the tumor was inoperable. My flight home was already scheduled for a week later, my parents told me to wait it out. It was the longest week of my life, my Europe trip had already sucked, this made it worse.

When I arrived home my mother's room smelled of strawberries, freesia and freshness, like laundry soap, Bella had been there before heading south to California. My mother told me she'd been around a lot during the summer. Of course she would have been. Our mothers were good friends, had been since they were kids, Elizabeth loved Bella and the feelings were mutual. Bella had been around to help out when she could, between practices and her job at Newton's Outfitters.

Another week later, I headed out to New York, Carlisle helping me get settled while Elizabeth stayed home to continue her treatments. I made it a month and a half, before returning home. The chemo and radiation wasn't working, the cancer had spread, the prognosis wasn't good. Being 2,500 miles away from my mother while she died wasn't bearable.

Living back at home made me miss Bella more, especially in a town as small as Forks. I could practically see her, with the memories that would assault me everywhere I turned. I would have desperately regretted my decision to give her space if it weren't for Alice.

Of the four of us, Alice and I were the only ones still in Forks, we ended up spending quite a bit of time together, once she forgave me for hurting Bella. She could almost see my side of things, though she still didn't think it was the right thing. Telling me it was "typical Edward" of me, to be so thoughtless of how my decisions affected others. Alice kept me in the loop on Bella's life, which only justified my reasoning in my mind. The stories she told me rarely seemed to reflect "my" Bella, and told me of how wonderfully her life in California was going. Bella joined a sorority, went to parties, dated, all the things I wanted her to be able to do. Still every story hurt me, knowing that I wanted to be doing those things with her.

As much as Alice tried to convince me that I'd done the wrong thing, I knew I was right. That knowledge didn't make it hurt any less.

By Thanksgiving, Elizabeth had decided to stop treatments, reluctantly my father had agreed to hospice care at home. The treatments hadn't been successful, the tumors were spreading and the chemo just continued to make her sicker and weaker. She knew she was dying and wanted to make it as comfortable and easy as possible. It was a painful decision for all of us and all I wanted was Bella by my side, but I couldn't be selfish like that and tell her. I knew she was home too, so I avoided her at all costs, I hardly left the house that weekend. Sunday, Emmett finally convinced me to meet up with some high school buddies for a game of touch football, we were gone the entire afternoon.

When I got home I was greeted by Bella's scent all around my house, it was strongest beside Elizabeth's bed. Looking at my frail sick mother, enveloped in the soft scents of the woman I loved, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt sick, my heart hurt and I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my eyes. My mother knew, like she always had. She removed the engagement ring my father had given to her 20 years earlier, "For Bella," she said softly. It was one of the last things she said to me.

Less than a month later Elizabeth passed.

Bella didn't come to the funeral. She called Carlisle with her apologies, she was in the midst of finals. I had to believe that she wasn't simply trying to avoid me, know that she would have wanted her chance to say goodbye to Elizabeth. She had send a letter, I could only guess to give condolences, Carlisle never let me see it, though I know it's something he kept to this day.

I never went back to New York. It was just my dad and I, and I just thought I should be closer, I transferred to UW Spring semester. So many times since that Sunday after Thanksgiving, I'd pulled out that ring, kept in a box my father found when going through my mom's things, and hoped for an opportunity and the guts to take it. When I saw her before last Christmas, I just knew I had to go for it.

Stalking her probably wasn't the best way to go about it, and that's pretty much what Chief Swan told me, as I sat there in my Volvo across the street from their house, ring box in hand. I was staring at the ring. I didn't even notice him leave the house, I jumped when he tapped on the glass. "I don't wanna have to arrest you, son," he said when I rolled the window down.

I nodded, flipping the box closed quickly, "I screwed up."

"Can't argue with you there." I had always liked Charlie, he was a no bull shit kind of guy, played it straight and always told you the truth, no matter how brutal. He also loved Bella so completely and would do anything in his power to see his daughter happy.

"I still love her," my eye were still trained on the box.

Charlie nodded his head toward it, "You wanna give that to her?" His voice was steady, not conveying any of the incredulity that I thought it would.

"It was my mother's."

I thought for sure he'd tell me where I could shove it, knowing how much I'd hurt his little girl. But, he didn't, instead he said, "It might not be that easy, son."

"I know. I just want a chance to tell her. To let her know. You know?" I rambled on, feeling the stinging of tears behind my eyes.

"You just gotta be patient."

I don't think I did patient to well. But she caved, agreed to talk to me. Thinking back maybe I came on too strong that night, too forward. But, she had me so stressed, confused. The closeness of her in my car, the smell of her, I was overwhelmed. I screwed up again, that was it.

Then I saw her, by the pool yesterday. This was it this was my chance, I knew it. The feeling intensified when I saw her at the bar. I watched other men circling, like vultures, waiting for us to leave our prey, but not tonight. I wasn't jealous, I was resolved, I was going to go after what I wanted, no needed. I needed Bella. I waited for my chance. I was not going to screw this up again, I was taking my time, easing myself into it.

Then she told me that I broke her heart.

My breath caught in my throat, my heart stilled, and I knew my chance was over.

Now I was lying here, the weight of the box in my hand becoming heavier and heavier, weighing on my mind. I was trying like hell to remember how we got from her heartbreaking confession, to naked in bed in roughly 12 hours. Ah, the glories of alcohol. I knew I should have stopped drinking earlier, but the alcohol was helping to calm the nerves I felt being so close to her. My nervousness always made me impulsive which I figured was a bad thing with the one thing I desired so close to my grasp. Although, if I'd stopped drinking, maybe I would be able to remember a little more.

What did I remember? Think Edward think.

I struggled. Another bar, more drinks. I was alone Emmett and Jasper had hit the card tables with the girls. Out of nowhere, Emmett had approached me, "You can't avoid her all night."

"She doesn't want me around," I slurred, slightly more whinny that I'd ever want to sound in public, but I'd had a lot to drink.

"Dude, don't be such a fucking pussy."

Emmett spoke the truth of course, and gave me a bit of a pep talk, I can't remember what he said, but, it worked I guess. I'd joined the group, liquid courage still in hand, just needing to talk to Bella. Still it wasn't as easy as that, Rosalie was fully cock blocking me. I knew that she'd had a big part in rebuilding Bella after I'd hurt her so throughly and I greatly appreciated her for that, but, I knew if things were up to her, I'd never get anywhere near Bella, not just tonight, but ever. I wasn't going to relent though, till I had said my piece.

Suddenly Rosalie and Emmett were gone, giving me my chance, I don't know how he had done it, gotten the two girls apart, but, I wasted no time. I took her arm and lead her gently out of the casino, giving Jasper a slight nod as I approached, when she didn't fight me I figured it was a good sign. "I love you, Bella," I plead, slurring my words, "Everyone else knows it. Please let me talk to you."

I'm sure the fact that Bella was completely obliterated helped my case, the two of us climbed into cab together. Her telling me, "I don't want to love you anymore, but I can't stop. What the hell is wrong with me."

What the fuck!

Bella told me she still love me last night. My chest tightened with this knowledge, my breathing quickened. I had to find her. Maybe we could do this, sort this out, make it work. I loved her and she loved me, it would all be OK.

I jumped up, pulled on a tee shirt quickly and a pair of shoes, forcing the ring box into the pocket of the jeans I threw on. Then I rushed to locate the key card for my room. I had to go to her now. I spotted the card on the dresser on top of a paper, which I glanced at while I shoved the card into my pocket. The words on the paper froze me in place, as did the sudden knock at the door. I grabbed the page, folding it roughly, before hurrying across the room to open the door, hoping Bella had come to me.

a/n - so who's at the door??

this chapter was a little heavier than i expected it to be, ok, alot heavier. but it gave us some edward background, hope you liked it. let me know, review pretty please!

disclaimer, it ain't mine folks