She was tired, physically and emotionally, but couldn't take tossing around in bed for another minute. Creeping quietly down the stairs, she quietly went out the front door onto the porch. Inhaling deeply, she settled on the steps staring out into the darkness. Continuing to take deep breaths, her lungs suddenly protested as she registered the smell of stale cigarette smoke. Gross. But somehow familiar. Searching for its source, she wandered over to the large oak, spying a small collection of cigarette butts.
'Oh Buffy,' she sighed to herself 'They're all against you today aren't they?'
Leaning against the trunk of the tree she closed her eyes and allowed herself to remember, a smile playing on her lips as she recalled that strained 'And…you have stupid hair.'
As she pulled the covers around herself that night, a tear fell down her cheek unnoticed.
Months had passed and Spike had surprised himself at the restraint he had shown from jumping out at her. Huh. A plan he had actually followed for once. Only for her.
She'd been having the dreams more often than ever, more than the nights which had followed the destruction of the Hellmouth back in Sunnydale all those months ago. They were just images, flashes; that touch, scent, that face. She dusted the last vampire with a sigh of satisfaction, but still, the feeling was blinding her as she stumbled and fell forward onto her knees on the rough concrete.
'Spike,' she whispered 'Oh William'.
Covering her mouth, she gasped, a sob catching in her throat. But one last vampire took this moment of vulnerability to launch his attack, silently flicking open his switch blade. From his vantage point, Spike rushed towards him, but by the time he had caught himself, it was too late.
'Buffy!'
Gasping she jumped, turning in shock and recoiling as she clutched the gaping knife wound above her hip. God no, it can't be she thought to herself as she watched the scene before her. Catching her as she fell to the ground, he felt her tremble as she whispered his name to herself.
He carried her over the threshold, grabbing some towels which were draped over the banister and continuing into which he assumed was her bedroom, and laying her vulnerable form on the bed.
She woke from a painful sting at her abdomen, and jerked up at the sight of the shock of white blonde bent over her stomach, Spike doing the same at the surprise of her sudden movement. The two past lovers able to do nothing more but search each others expressions.
'You're hurt, luv,' Spike spoke in a whisper as he gently rubbed the antiseptic on her wound.
Unable to speak, Buffy reached out tentatively to touch his leather sleeve, moving her hand downwards to touch his wrist. Directing his attentions away from her cut, Spike covered her hand with his free one, stroking her skin with his thumb.
'You're really here' he heard her say in a small voice with a touch of uncertainty, 'But you can't be.'
'Shhh, rest now,' he whispered as he brushed his fingertips over her cheekbone to push a lock of blonde hair from her eyes. Pulling away, he helped her to lay back down, giving her wound a last check before covering her with a blanket.
'Does it feel alright?'
Still shocked by his sudden return, Buffy could do little but stare in amazement. He acted as though this were second nature, as if he had never been away. But his eyes gleamed in a wonder that he had not seen her in years. Blinking and shaking her head to clear her thoughts she spoke shakily, her voice cracking,
"I-I'm not sure. Could you- could you stay with me? You were gone. Gone for so long. Will you tell me what happened?"
Moving gingerly further into the bed, she lifted up the corner of the blanket inviting him to join her.
Reminded of that night all those months ago in that abandoned house, a small smile played on his lips and he quickly stepped out of his boots before sliding in beside her. With an arm cradling her and her head resting on his chest, he whispered,
'We'll talk when you're all healed up 'eh pet? Sleep now.'
Feeling as though she were in a dream, Buffy quickly began to feel the pull of sleep.
Spike was still unsure of how this had all happened. Within an hour of him having unintentionally revealing himself to her, things between them appeared to be unchanged.
Watching the slow rise and fall of her chest, Spike raised his hand to brush away a lock of hair that had fallen over her face. Grazing her cheek, he gasped as Buffy reached up to grasp his wrist. His eyes travelled from their hands to her face to see wide green orbs gazing back up at him. Closing her eyes, she brought his hand closer, brushing her lips over his knuckles before placing it over her heart. With her eyes still shut, she spoke quietly,
'Before you-you…before I left you…Do you remember what I said?'
Looking wide-eyed and incredulously back at her he replied,
'Of course, how could I forget.'
Opening her eyes again, she said,
'Did you believe me? DO you believe me?'
Numerous times Spike had dreamt of having this conversation with her. In his head he had set out his speech, but now that the moment had come for the first time in his long life, he hadn't the words.
'I wanted to. God, how I wanted to. But I can't lie to you pet, I wasn't sure.'
With a sob catching in her throat,
'I was so scared you wouldn't. But I did. I meant every word. I'm sorry I couldn't have made you believe me.'
Voice breaking, a tear spilled from her eye, and she felt that many others threatened to follow, but she was determined to finish.
'After everything you did for me, it was the least I could have done, to tell you the truth.'
Looking down at her, Spike was thankful for her honesty, but couldn't help the niggling question that lingered in his mind And now?
'I know now, I know. You don't have to do this. Not right now.'
'Yes I do. You have to know. You were in my heart. You are. Now. I don't know how I've gone without you. But I can't, not anymore. Don't make me, please, Spike. Please.'
She clutched at his shirt, pressing her cheek against his chest and entwining her legs amongst his to keep him as close as possible. All the while, her cries and sobs wracked her body and echoed with shock through his body as he realised the extent of her grief.
Her begs had reduced him to a plain lump of emotion as the realization settled in. She cared for him, even now. She wanted him with her, for always.
'I've always been with you Buffy, always be with you. For as long as you need me. Always.'