Chapter 3 – The Letter

As yet another day without Jane began at Thornfield Hall, Edward Rochester was in his library, staring unseeing out the window. He had given Jane only a week's leave to visit her dying aunt, but she had now been gone an entire month. When he returned from London with the new carriage a week ago he had fully expected to see that Jane had returned to him. He had spent the entire trip imagining how she would react upon seeing the carriage, hoping he would finally ascertain, once and for all, what her true feelings were towards him. Believing Jane to be waiting for him at home, he had felt an intense, ever increasing joy and excitement as the carriage drew ever closer to Thornfield. Every other time he had returned from his travels he had felt only anger, despair and disgust on his journey home because nothing good awaited him there, but now that he had Jane in his life all he wanted was to be where she was.

But when he entered the house and was told by Mrs. Fairfax that Jane had not yet returned, the crushing disappointment which overwhelmed him made him realize that he could no longer go on without her. He had decided at that moment to finally put an end to the uncertainty and claim her as his own. If she said no, then he was determined to use all his charm and persuasive power to win her over. He was willing to do whatever he had to in order to have her in his life always.

While he was lost in thought, Mrs. Fairfax entered the room – and she had a letter from Jane! Putting on a nonchalant air to cover his excitement, he took the letter from Mrs. Fairfax, thanked her, and waited for her to leave before turning his full attention to the letter. He sat at his desk and held the letter, just looking at it for several minutes, enjoying holding something that Jane had recently touched. The letter felt heavy, so she must have written quite a bit. What could she have to say that would require so much paper? Edward slowly passed his fingers over the address: Mr. Edward Rochester, Thornfield Hall, shire. Her handwriting – how precise, firm, sure, yet feminine – just like Jane. Just looking at his name in her handwriting was enough to make his heart race – he loves her so much and is deeply thrilled that she has actually written to him.

He imagined her writing the letter. Was it at a desk by a window, the morning sun streaming on her hair? He thought about her hair and how he has longed to stroke it, run his fingers through it. Or maybe she wrote it at night, by candlelight. He loves the way she looks by candle or firelight – her skin glows, and her eyes shine…

Then unable to bear the suspense any longer, he tore the seal open and began to read.

"Dear Sir:

Please forgive me for not writing to you before this. I am most truly sorry. My aunt died two weeks ago and I have been kept very busy helping my cousins Eliza and Georgiana prepare to leave Gateshead. Georgiana left for London to stay with her uncle and his family; Eliza is going to a French convent. I know we were never close, but they are my cousins and I felt I had a duty to help them in this sad time."

My wonderful little Jane. To be so kind and thoughtful to people who don't value you as they should. You are so forgiving and generous, it only makes me love you more.

"But now I must tell you something of real importance, something I am afraid will displease you."

'Real importance?' Displease me? What the hell could it be? And why are you writing a letter and not on your way home?

"I am not returning to Thornfield. I have decided to remain here."

Jane! Not returning to Thornfield? How is this possible?

It was fortunate Edward was seated at his desk because the shock he received was great – Jane's letter was a letter of resignation. Feeling like his heart stopped and trying to catch his breath, he was for a few moments unable to continue reading. When he had recovered sufficiently he read on, frantically.

"I have been offered an excellent position as the schoolmistress of the local village school by Mr. Robert Wilson, the parson, and I have decided to take it."

No! No, Jane, no!

"I will be responsible for teaching ten little girls, ranging in age from six to ten. As I believe I once told you, running my own little school has long been a dream of mine."

That's right, I remember; when I played the gypsy and asked Jane if she had any secret hope for the future, she did say she dreamt of opening a school one day. But I didn't believe she really meant it and would actually take steps to accomplish that goal!

"Sir, I know that in our last conversation I promised to wait for you to find me another position before your marriage to Miss Ingram, and I had fully intended to depend upon you to find me a new post. However, I must ask you to please forgive me for breaking my promise to you, because this is an opportunity that may never arise again. I must take it. And I am sure when you understand how well-settled I shall be, you will forgive me for acting on my own.

I will be back in an area I know well; there are people here who know me and care about my welfare, so I will not be all alone, surrounded by strangers. The position of schoolmistress includes a cottage, Swallows Cottage, so I have found a new home as well as a new post. I am sure that all these considerations will make you happy for me and that you will support my decision."

Be happy for you?! How can I be happy if you leave me?

"Sir, I want you to know that I truly loved my time at Thornfield, which became my first real home, and I will never forget your great kindness to me. I will miss you all very much. Please have Mrs. Fairfax pack up the rest of my belongings and have them sent to me here at Swallows Cottage. And as you can see, I have included little farewell notes to Mrs. Fairfax, Sophie and, of course, Adele, with my letter to you.

I am, Sir, your humble servant,

Jane Eyre, Swallows Cottage"

Edward sat back in his chair, eyes closed, stunned. When the shock had worn off enough for him to collect his thoughts, he began to curse himself. This was all his fault. He had no one to blame but himself for Jane's leaving him. He had completely botched this whole affair. He had acted the part of the lover to Blanche so well Jane was convinced he was about to marry her and had now done the sensible thing and left him. Why was he so surprised – didn't she come to Thornfield in the first place precisely because she had the strength of character to take her life in her own hands and change what had become an intolerable situation? Now that she believed her position at Thornfield was coming to an end, she once again took matters in her own hands and made her own destiny. Ironic, because that strength, that independence, that ability to act without fear was part of the reason he loved her so much. Now it had cost him her presence and perhaps any future they might have had.

He now realized that because he had openly courted Blanche, Jane could never have known what his real feelings and intentions were towards her. His stupid plan to make Jane jealous and fall in love with him – what the hell was he thinking? Why didn't he just approach her openly and honestly (well, as openly and as honestly as he could, being shackled to Bertha) and try to make her love him that way? All he had accomplished was to make her leave him, and he was still unsure of the depth of her feelings towards him. Sure, she valued him as a good and trusted friend, but that had been obvious all along. But did she love him, really love him, as he loved her? Did she want him the way he wanted her? He still had no idea of whether she did or not. Now how could he get her back to Thornfield where she belongs, with him?