Chapter 5 – Jane

Jane was walking along the old road to Thornfield, a road which lay chiefly through fields and was little frequented. The fields had long been bare; the haymakers had finished their work. The sky seemed to be on fire with the setting sun, red and orange and purple. There was a fresh breeze which brought with it the smell of rich, damp earth. It was quickly growing cooler as the sun declined in the sky.

Jane walked quickly, eager to reach Thornfield, eager to be home again.

Jane crossed the road and reached the gates of Thornfield. Rather than enter the house, she walked into the orchard, then down the winding walk. It was bordered with laurels and terminated in a giant horse-chestnut, circled at the base by a seat. Somehow, Jane knew she would find Edward there, waiting for her.

Yes, Edward was there, standing under the horse-chestnut tree. Although his back was towards her, somehow he sensed her presence, quickly turned around, and with his arms outstretched he called her name. "Jane!" Jane ran into his arms. She felt the roughness of his unshaven face against her soft cheek. She grasped the soft wool of his coat, wanting to never let go of him. He embraced her tightly, very tightly, and hoarsely whispered in her ear, "Oh Jane, you've finally come back to me! How I've missed you, my love!"

"Oh sir, I'm so glad to come back to you! I'm so glad to be back home!"

He released her, and holding her by her shoulders, gently shook her. Looking down at Jane he feigned anger and, frowning, exclaimed, "'Sir', she says! Provoking sprite! My name is Edward! Please Jane, please, call me Edward!"

"Yes, sir, I mean Edward," Jane laughed.

Edward laughed also, but then he suddenly became serious. Sighing deeply he said, "Oh Jane! You've been gone for so long! A month! A full month! And then I received your letter … you broke my heart … I believed I would never see you again. Jane, how could you be so cruel when I love you so? How could you leave me? Oh Jane … "

Her eyes filling with tears, Jane whispered, "Please forgive me, Edward. I truly love you and I promise I'll never leave you again."

Jane opened her eyes. At first, still under the spell of the dream, she did not know where she was. She touched her face and found that it was wet with tears. Sighing, she got out of bed, pulled on her robe and slowly walked to the window. Drawing back the curtain, she saw the full moon shining down on a quiet, sleeping countryside.

It was now late September and Jane was back home, at Swallows Cottage.

Knowing it would be some time before she would be able to go back to sleep, Jane lit a candle and decided to go down to the kitchen and make a small pot of tea. She opened the curtains at the kitchen window and the room filled with moonlight. Jane lit two more candles and the stove and then, after putting the kettle on, sat at the table, trying not to dwell on her dream and all the bittersweet emotions it stirred up in her. Instead, Jane tried to focus her mind on all the recent changes in her life and the decisions she still had to make.

Jane had been corresponding with her cousins since she had gotten their address from Mr. Briggs back in June. After her uncle died and left Jane everything, Jane had determined to split the inheritance with Mary, Diana and St. John. St. John had determined to use his share to fulfill his dream of going to India as a missionary. Mary, Diana and Jane had discussed traveling in Europe for a time and then settling together in one house. They planned to get together during Christmas and talk more about it. Jane was deeply grateful that she was now part of a loving family and would no longer be all alone in the world.

Jane rose and went to the bookcase where she kept her sketchbook. Bringing it back to the table, she sat down and began to look through the many quick sketches she had made on her trip to London, trying to decide which ones of these she would use as a basis for paintings.

Jane's trip to London had been very eventful. Mr. Briggs had insisted that she stay with him and his family in their home, refusing to take no for an answer. He would never allow a young, unaccompanied woman to remain alone in a London hotel! Mrs. Briggs and their three young children warmed to Jane immediately and Jane soon felt as if she had known them all her life. Once all the necessary documents were signed and filed with the court, Mrs. Briggs took Jane sightseeing. As Jane walked the bustling streets, she was entranced; everything was new to her. Her secluded life, spent first at Gateshead, then Lowood and then Thornfield had not prepared her for the crowded streets, the noise, the smell of London. It was overwhelming at first, but she had quickly grown to love the excitement of being in such a great city.

Over a period of several days Mrs. Briggs had made sure that Jane saw some of glories of London. Westminster Abbey. The Tower of London. Buckingham Palace. The newly rebuilt Houses of Parliament. They entered into Euston Station to see the trains arrive and leave, and they had walked through Regent's Park, which had just been opened to the public. When they went out one night to see a comedy at the Theatre Royal Haymarket, Jane's first time at a theater, she had been as amazed at the gas lights illuminating the streets as she had been at seeing an actual performance. She had laughed to herself as she imagined what Mr. Brocklehurst would have had to say about the play.

As she began to drink her tea, hot, fragrant and very soothing, Jane remembered seeing the many ships tied up at the docks, being loaded and unloaded. Her tea had undoubtedly been unloaded from a ship just like the ones she had seen. Standing on the docks, Jane had tried to imagine where the ships had come from and where they would sail to next. Europe? The Americas? Asia? Africa? She tried to imagine what those ports would look like; what the people would look like, what languages they would speak. Then, she began to remember all the stories Edward had told her of his many journeys. He had described everything so vividly that she had been able to see those foreign scenes in her mind's eye as clearly as if she'd journeyed there as well.

Edward. Jane remembered how surprised she had been to receive his letter upon her return; it had never occurred to her that he would come to see her. Although she was sorry she had missed seeing him for what would undoubtedly be the last time, she was also somewhat relieved. To see him again, knowing he never had, never would love her …

Jane had been glad to learn that Edward was not going to marry Blanche after all, since Blanche didn't love him. But in the end it really didn't matter what Edward did or whom he married since he didn't love her, Jane, and he never would. Jane sighed. She missed Edward deeply, but it was better this way. She was glad she had not returned to Thornfield and that she now had the means to make a new and better life for herself, away from Edward. To have remained at Thornfield, being tortured by being in his presence, loving him but not being loved in return … and after all, just because he chose not to marry Blanche didn't mean he wouldn't one day choose to marry someone else, and then once again Jane would have been forced to watch him court another woman. To go through all that torture again … no, it was better this way, even though it meant she would never see him again …

Determined to put all thoughts of Edward out of her mind, Jane forced herself to focus on her sketches and soon became engrossed in selecting which one she would paint as a Christmas gift for Mary and Diana. An hour later, serene and happier, Jane went back up to her bedroom.