Title: Hole in the Chest
Author: fotoshop-cutout // Shiro
Fandom: D. Gray-Man
Characters/Pairings: Lavi/Allen, Lenalee, Bookman, Komui.
Rating: G
Word Count: 1,342
Disclaimer: All characters depicted in sexual situations in this post/fanfiction/fanart (including material in the comments) are fictional and are intended to be and considered to be by the author of said material of the legal age of consent in the United States state of California, regardless of what age these characters may be in the material they are derived from. Also, song is "Lullaby(Rockabye)" by Shawn Mullins.
Summary: Allen was seeking solace all that time.
Notes/Warnings: un-betaed; the fifteenth in a series of 104 themes. "Seeking Solace" is today's theme. Thank you to Aion Laven Walker, WrathofMugen, IcyFireGypsy, and stoneygeek for the excellent reviews. :)
[ She grew up with the children of the Stars
In the Hollywood Hills and the Boulevard
Her parents threw big parties
Everyone was there
They hung out with folks like Dennis Hopper,
Bob Seeger and Sonny and Cher ]
To Rabi, the arrival of one Allen Walker seemed like a curse and a blessing. Allen was the alleged 'Destroyer of Time': the boy who would make Rabi transform from apprentice to fully-fledged Bookman. For that, Allen Walker was a blessing. But there was another side to this coin. Yes, Allen Walker was a curse to Rabi. What with Allen's vacant, yet embellished emotions, he reminded Rabi so much of himself that it brought the young man's heart into the picture. This was the one thing that would destroy Rabi's future as a Bookman.
Allen's smile was there when he joked with Lenalee about Komui's next robot invention; but the boy didn't really feel it in his soul. Rabi wanted to fix that. The boy shouldn't be that way. He was in the best place he'd ever been: apart from being adopted by Mana. Rabi watched him closely when Allen was paying special attention to others. Rabi didn't want to be noticed caring. Rabi didn't care—really he didn't.
[ Now, she feels safe in this bar on Fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go and she can't relax
And just before she hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby ]
Finally, Rabi couldn't take it anymore. His heart hurt whenever the white haired boy was around. He thought of so many different ways to bring it up. At first he wanted to spill out everything. Then he figured it would be best to not let on that it mattered to him. At last Rabi came to the conclusion that he should just wing it. He wouldn't let the old man know: he would just become worried and get more intense with the work load given to Rabi.
One day Rabi was standing with Allen at the train station, Allen gave him an empty smile, telling him it would all work out—he was sure of it. Rabi let his mind wander. When they sat in their seats on the train, he spoke casually. His green eye gazed out the window at nothing in particular.
"Don't do that. If you can't smile and mean it, you shouldn't bother at all."
In lieu of the silence, Rabi's eye switched its attention to the boy across from him. The boy watched him without emotion. At that moment the boy seemed strong, unwilling to budge. Likely in denial. In a split second everything changed. In that pivotal moment, Rabi opened his arms, yet closed his heart. Allen crumpled into himself, tears spilling out of beautiful silver eyes. Gloved hands found their way to grasping the material of Rabi's coat.
Thinking back, the redhead didn't know quite when he changed from sitting, relaxed, in his seat, to kneeling in front of the other boy, arms around his thin shoulders.
[ I sing:
Everything's gonna be alright
Rockabye, rockabye.
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled
Once in a while ]
Once the mission ended, life went on. They returned to Headquarters and went their separate ways: Rabi returned to the library—Allen to accompanying Lenalee everywhere. Allen still slept in the room three doors down from Rabi's; the two still ate meals together.
Lenalee commented one evening on the fact that Allen was rather handsome, and how he should try harder to get a girlfriend. She insisted that he would have no problem with wooing a girl—he looked at her blankly. After a moment he gave her another empty smile and agreed out of decency.
Rabi watched on.
[ 'Cause even her smile
Looks like a frown
And she's seen her share of devils
In this angel town ]
Later that same evening Rabi returned later than usual to his room. Still three doors down from Allen's. He opened the door and started backwards a step. Allen sat, solemn, on his bed. Allen's back was against the headboard, legs crossed under him, hands in his lap. The moonlight shone around him brilliantly. Allen turned his head, silver eyes on the redhead. Rabi remained silent, but proceeded into his room. Rabi should have guessed that there would be repercussions from his behavior on the train.
Allen didn't move, he just watched as Rabi stepped closer and closer. Rabi stood beside the bed now; the two looked at each other. For a moment, neither moved; the still and silent room seemed not to hold any occupants. Rabi shifted his weight and stepped away, green eye trailing to look towards his desk. Allen rocked up onto his legs, one arm supporting his body while the other reached out and grabbed for Rabi's sleeve. Allen nearly tumbled over as Rabi took another step, but the rustling of material and the tug to his sleeve caused Rabi to stop. Allen righted himself. All was quiet again.
"I don't think I could get a girlfriend."
Rabi was confused by the subject offered—this was bothering him? Why? Rabi cleared his throat.
"I don't see how I can help."
Allen tugged once more on his sleeve and released it, moving to sit back in his original position. Rabi sighed and shifted, sitting on the edge of the bed, a foot or so away from the boy. Allen stared at his hands, once more tangled in his lap. Silver eyes lifted to meet Rabi's green one.
"No girl would understand me."
Rabi stayed quiet. He did not understand the workings of a relationship; let alone how to advise someone on them. He listened. Bookman taught him that listening was important. It took a while, but Allen eventually continued.
"You understand me, though."
Where was this going? Rabi ventured a guess that Allen was likely to follow this up with something that would tug his heart strings. Rabi needed to find a way out of this.
"Maybe… if I was with you…" Allen led on, too fast for Rabi to stall him. Allen was once more looking at his hands in his lap as the fingers tangled themselves more intricately. A silent moment, breathing was heard. Rabi formulated an answer.
"That's not the best idea."
Allen's shoulders fell a little and Rabi's heart tugged. Inside, Rabi was confused—how was it that he seemingly avoided what would have hurt him, yet this hurt him too? Rabi contemplated this until a rustling of material gained his attention. Allen's eyes were downcast; he moved off the bed.
"You're right. That was stupid." With that, Allen moved to leave. Rabi felt oddly empty. Allen shuffled to the door and pulled it open. Beautiful silver eyes gazed over his shoulder, meeting with Rabi's single green one. It felt like a hole punched its way through his chest.
Rabi didn't know how it happened, but he found his limbs moving, his mouth talking.
"I didn't say it wouldn't work." Rabi stood and stepped towards Allen. Allen stopped leaving. He stood there, already facing forward again. He was almost out the door. Rabi stepped forward again—then again, and again. His hand was held out. Allen peered over his shoulder. Allen considered the offer. Allen turned and threw his arms around Rabi's neck. With their bodies so close, Rabi held Allen tightly. For a moment, he was afraid to let go: what if the hole in his chest came back? Rabi chastised himself for thinking that. He slowly released the boy. Allen rocked back on his heels and Rabi was greeted with the most stunning of sights. A small smile curved Allen's lips—it reached his eyes. Even though liquid spilled from the beautiful silver eyes, Rabi knew he was happy.
"You're smiling."
Allen was the one who spoke. Rabi was stunned, but his froze his face, then reached up, tracing his own lips with his fingertips. His lips curved upwards. His action deepened Allen's own smile. Rabi dropped his hand, the emotion reaching his green eye once more.
"I guess I mean it."
[ I told her 'I ain't so sure about this place'
It's hard to play a gig in this town
And keep a straight face ]
Later, Rabi told the old man. He grumped, but Rabi thought he saw the man's eyes sparkle. Rabi worked for another two weeks and then broke the news. In the end he gave up being Bookman—the smiles came more and more often, they became bigger and bigger. Allen's mirrored his, and when they finally allowed everyone else to know about their relationship, they knew they were truly happy with one another. In the end, Rabi found that Allen had been seeking solace all along. Rabi was glad that Allen could confide in him. He smiled again at the thought.
Tomorrow's Theme: "Excuses"