Chapter 11 – Jane's Decision

Edward stared at his reflection in the mirror as he began to arrange his cravat. He looked old, tired and inexpressibly sad. He had slept very little, having finally fallen into a fitful, dreamless sleep just before dawn. It was now about 8:30 in the morning and he was exhausted. Heartbroken, Edward had completely lost hope that Jane would come to him and had forced himself to accept that she was out of his life forever. As he debated whether to remain at the inn until the evening as he had told Jane he would or to leave on the next coach to London, he heard a brisk knock at the door. Surprised, Edward quickly walked to the door and opened it to find one of the maids standing there.

Even though he had not dared hope that it would be Jane, seeing the servant caused him to feel a fresh surge of disappointment and despair. "What is it?" he asked brusquely.

"Pardon me, sir, but there's a young lady downstairs, a Miss Eyre, who wishes to see you."

Stunned, Edward paused for a moment, then hurriedly told the maid to have Miss Eyre wait in one of the small, private dining rooms and to tell her that he would be down directly. He returned to the mirror to finish dressing and after assuring himself that he was neat and presentable he left his room. As he approached the front desk, the innkeeper told him which room Jane was in. Quickly, Edward turned and walked towards the private room, but then he stopped and stood before the closed door, momentarily unable to continue. He was trembling and breathing fast, both thrilled at seeing Jane again and terrified that she might have come merely to tell him she would not marry him. Once he felt he was sufficiently composed, he reached out, turned the doorknob and slowly opened the door.

He immediately saw Jane standing before the fire, looking down at the flames, warming her outstretched hands. Her coat was draped on the back of a chair, her gloves and bonnet on the table.

Edward entered the room, quietly closing the door behind him. Transfixed, afraid to speak, he watched her. After a few moments of silence, with the crackling of the burning wood the only sound in the room, Jane turned to face him.

He held his breath. What had she come to say?

They looked at each other for a few moments, then finally Jane spoke. In a low, shy voice she said, "Mr. Rochester, I've come to tell you what I have decided."

Torn between hope and fear Edward blurted out, "Jane, please, for God's sake, call me Edward. At least this once."

Jane hesitated, a smile forming on her lips. "If you insist, sir, I mean … Edward." She blushed intensely and then in a voice so low he had to strain to hear her, whispered, "Edward, I've come to tell you that I accept your proposal. Yes, I will marry you."

At first Edward was too shocked, too overwhelmed with joy to react. Then he rushed towards Jane and swept her up in his arms. Holding her tightly he whispered, "Jane! Jane! You have made me the happiest man in the world. Oh Jane, I love you so. But Jane," he said as he released her and held her face in his hands so he could look in her eyes, "tell me that you love me. Please. I need to hear you say the words. And my name. Say my name again."

Blushing and laughing Jane said, "I love you. I love you, Edward, and I have loved you for a very long time. I love you with my whole heart. You and only you."

Elated, Edward began to kiss Jane, but she turned her head, stopping him. Astonished, Edward exclaimed, "Jane, what's wrong? Why do you turn from me?"

Now serious, Jane said, "There's something more I must say to you."

Suddenly afraid, Edward interrupted, "What is it? What's wrong?"

"I want to beg you to forgive me."

"What? You want my forgiveness? What on earth for, Jane?"

"Please forgive me, sir, I mean Edward, for keeping you in suspense. I never intended to keep you waiting so long for my answer. But I was so overwhelmed by your confession of your love and your marriage that, when I was a little more composed I went to Hannah and told her I had a headache and needed to lie down, which was true. Then I went to my room and cried until I … until I fell asleep. Believing I was ill they let me sleep until I woke up and by then it was too late and too dark for me to come and see you. You do believe me, don't you? It was never my intention to torture you …"

Edward quickly interrupted her. "Hush, sweetheart, please. It is I who should beg you for forgiveness after all my lies and deceit. You have done nothing wrong, Jane. In fact, I don't believe you could ever do anything wrong, you are so good, so sweet, so kind. There is absolutely nothing to forgive. I am just so very happy that you have been able to forgive me and that you love me and accept my proposal. I want to marry you without delay, my love. I cannot wait any longer to be your husband."

Once again he lowered his head and gently, sweetly, kissed her mouth. As Jane began to respond to his kiss he released her face and put his arms around her. Edward held her even more tightly than before, relishing the sensation of feeling her slender body pressed against his, and kissed her fervently. Breathless and beginning to feel unsteady, he stopped, led Jane to one of the chairs and then sat down himself, still holding her hand, afraid to let her go for fear she would disappear, afraid that this was just another one of his dreams.

Suddenly famished, he asked, "Jane, have you had anything to eat yet?"

Surprised at the change in the conversation, Jane replied slowly, "No, Edward, I was so afraid that you might have gone back to London after I failed to come see you yesterday, that I left Moor House as soon as I was dressed."

"Then you will have breakfast here, with me. I insist. Don't you dare move! Just wait a moment while I order it."

Squeezing her hand and kissing her quickly, Edward reluctantly left the room.

Returning almost immediately, Edward resumed his seat, took both Jane's hands in his and said in a mock serious tone, "The food will be here shortly and in the meantime, Miss Eyre, you will answer my questions. There's something very important I need to know."

Jane looked at him warily. "What is it?"

"I need to know when you realized that you loved me. When exactly was it? And also, why did you fall in love with me? What made you love me?"

Jane laughed. "When? I realized I loved you after the fire in your room. As for why … there was no single reason why. As we spoke all those evenings you called me to join you after dinner, and as I came to know you, I found myself drawn to you more and more, but I wasn't aware that I had fallen in love with you until the morning after the fire, after you had left Thornfield and I was afraid I would never see you again."

Surprised, Edward exclaimed, "Really, Jane? Is that really true? You loved me as far back as that? So, while I was falling in love with you, you were falling in love with me also? I am so very sorry, but I had no idea. If only I had known, guessed even, I never would have …"

"You never would have what?"

Edward paused. "I'm afraid to mention this again, since it might rightly make you hate me which is absolutely the last thing I want to do, but if I had had even the slightest inkling of how you felt about me, I never would have held that ghastly house party. As I told you yesterday, it was all a part of my insane plan to make you fall in love with me. I realize now how much I must have hurt you, parading around with Blanche, but you seemed so cold, so distant, so self-contained, and I was sure you felt nothing for me but the loyalty you owed me as your master. I was so desperate to get some kind of reaction out of you I was willing to try anything, including making you jealous, but you appeared as unemotional as a rock."

"Yes, I hid my feelings from you, Edward. I had to! I had no choice. How could I believe that you, a man so much older than I am, a man in your position, with your wealth, education and social standing, could ever love me, a penniless orphan, a governess, a nobody? And then while you were away at the Leas, Mrs. Fairfax told me all about you and Blanche and how it was assumed by everyone who knew you both that you would soon marry. How could I not believe that she spoke the truth? Mrs. Fairfax had no idea of my feelings for you, and why would she lie? I realized that of course you would marry Blanche, and of course you could never love me. I was crushed, but I resolved to train myself to hide my love for you, and I spent those weeks that you were at the Leas telling myself that you could never love me and that I must do whatever I could to kill my love for you. I considered leaving Thornfield under some pretext and I even went so far as to paint a portrait of Blanche from Mrs. Fairfax's description to compare it to a sketch of myself to reinforce how unequal I was to her, how you could never choose me over her …" Jane stopped, overwhelmed by the memory of those painful weeks, momentarily unable to continue.

"And then I returned with Blanche and forced you to watch me flirt with her. I am so sorry, Jane. I hurt you so much, when all I wanted was to marry you, to love you and care for you. What I should have done was to have been open with you, told you how I felt and asked you if you could love me in return. But I knew I could not be truly open with you, because I was not free to marry you and you would never consent to live with me unmarried. I knew you too well. I knew you were too moral for that. But I was desperate for your love, even though I had no right to even look at you. Jane, I don't think you really understand what torture it was to me to have finally found you, a woman I could truly love, and to live under the same roof with you, to see you and speak with you every day, and yet to not be able to touch you, kiss you, love you … that's why I came up with my insane plan to commit bigamy. I knew it was wrong, but I was determined to have you even if it meant breaking the laws of God and man. And when I allow myself to think of how, if I had succeeded in winning your love and marrying you back then, I would have destroyed you, I am truly horrified. God, what a selfish fool I was." Edward paused, then exclaimed, "And that is why you didn't return from Gateshead! Because you wanted to get away from me!"

"Yes, that is why I took the teaching job Mr. Wilson offered me. It was perfect. I could not bear the thought of returning to Thornfield, only to see you marry Blanche and have you send me off to who knows where. I was resolved to conquer my feelings for you, and I hoped that if I left and never saw you again I would eventually stop loving you."

"But you were unsuccessful, thank God," Edward sighed.

"Yes, I was unsuccessful. I love you as much today as I did the morning after the fire. I never will stop loving you, Edward. God knows I have tried and failed," Jane laughed.

"And I will always love you, Jane. All these months, when I thought I would never be able to marry you … I can't even describe the despair I felt. But now … you have made me so very happy, Jane. And I will spend the rest of my life loving you, caring for you, making sure you are always happy and content."

Jane flushed and smiled shyly. Edward reached out and cupped her face with his right hand, gently stroking her lips with his thumb. Closing her eyes, Jane leaned into his hand. As he felt the pulse in her neck quicken at his touch he experienced a powerful surge of love and desire. No, he couldn't wait much longer to make her his.

Swallowing hard, Edward spoke hoarsely, "Jane we must be married as soon as possible. Is there a clergyman here who can perform the ceremony? And we need a license."

Jane's eyes flew open. "St. John!"

"Excuse me?"

"My cousin St. John Rivers is the clergyman at Morton. He can perform the ceremony. And then Mary and Diana and Hannah can attend! I really want them to be there."

Just then several servants entered the room, bearing covered dishes, plates, cups, cutlery and pitchers of coffee and milk. Jane and Edward remained silent as the table was set. After they left, Edward began lifting the covers off the serving dishes.

"The ham and eggs look wonderful, Jane. And buttered toast and hot coffee! No, Jane, I will serve you, so sit still," Edward stated as Jane reached for a plate. "God, I can't believe how hungry I am!" Edward continued. "Oh, yes, of course, I remember, I ate nothing yesterday …"

"Why did you eat nothing yesterday?" Jane interrupted.

"Because I was too anxious waiting for your arrival, my love, and lost my appetite completely."

"Oh, Edward! I am so sorry …"

"Jane, please, for the last time, stop apologizing."

Having served first Jane and then himself, Edward began eating. There was silence for several minutes as they ate, then Edward asked Jane, "You think your cousin will agree to marry us?"

"I don't think there should be a problem. I don't know what his schedule is at Morton, but we should be able to work something out."

"Good. I will go to see him as soon as we finish breakfast and arrange everything. Oh, wait a moment, we need to buy clothes for you, so we'll do that first, and then I'll see Mr. Rivers."

"Clothes for me? Why do you want to buy clothes for me?"

"Jane, as soon as we're married, we are traveling to London, then straight to the continent. You'll need some new clothes. You'll be Mrs. Rochester now, and I won't allow you to wear those dresses you wore when you were a governess. Although, when we reach Paris, I'll take you to all the best shops, but you will need some dresses and shoes and bonnets and a new coat until then."

"Edward, I have more than enough clothes. After I received my inheritance, I bought some new things. We just have to go to my cottage first and pack them up."

"That's right! I forgot that you inherited money from an uncle! I don't know how I possibly could have forgotten that. It's not as if I could ever forget that dreadful trip I took to Gateshead to see you after I received your letter of resignation. Jane, although I have traveled the world over, it really felt like the longest trip I have ever taken in my life, I was in such a state. I simply could not believe that you had left me and I was determined to make you come back home to Thornfield with me, but then, as I knocked on the door of your cottage, a little girl skipped by and told me that you had gone to London. So, instead of seeing you, my love, I found myself talking to your friend Mr. Wilson. God, that was awful. That's when I first realized that you were forever out of my reach. Up until that moment I had thought I knew what it was to feel despair, but I have never felt so hopeless as I did then. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I also was so jealous of Wilson, I still don't know how I managed to leave his office without striking him."

Jane stopped eating and stared at Edward, shocked. "You were so jealous of Mr. Wilson you wanted to strike him? Edward! Why? What had he done? You didn't even know him!"

Edward put down his knife and fork and looked at Jane sadly. "Why, Jane? Because I had been replaced. I had been replaced and, what was worse, I had been replaced by a younger, handsomer man. Wilson was your new friend and protector, and you no longer needed me for anything. After all, he was the one who gave you a new position and a new home, making it possible for you to leave me. And you confided in him about your uncle, but you never wrote to tell me anything. I had been under the impression that, even if you didn't love me, you at least trusted me and valued my opinion and friendship and would tell me of such a momentous change in your circumstances. But no, I had to hear it from a complete stranger. And another thing – you gave him one of your paintings as a gift, but you never gave me anything at all. I loved you to distraction, Jane, but you never thought of me and instead you turned to another man. I felt such intense pain I thought I might actually die of it."

Jane reached out and took one of Edward's hands. Grasping it tightly with both of hers, she said, "Oh, Edward, please believe me that I never meant to hurt you. I didn't write to tell you about my uncle because I didn't believe you would be interested. I was just one of your servants, so why would you want to hear about my new life? And as for my paintings, I just never thought of giving you one because … well, because I believed that I was nothing to you, so why would you want anything from me? I owed Mr. Wilson a gift in appreciation for all he had done for me, and the best thing I could give him was one of my paintings. But that is all there was to it. It was just a gift to show my appreciation, and nothing more. But I promise that I will now give you as many paintings as you wish."

Edward smiled. "Really? You promise? Even if I demand that you give me one each day?"

Jane laughed. "Well, I don't know how good they will be if I have to paint them so quickly, but yes, Edward, I will give you whatever you want. I promise."

"Janet, this is like a dream. I keep expecting to wake up at any moment, cold and alone and heartbroken. I cannot believe that I am finally sitting here with you, sweetheart, having breakfast and planning our future. I can't wait until we begin our new life together."

"Speaking of our new life together, since Thornfield is gone, where will we live?"

"Well, let's see" Edward began as he drank his coffee. "I bought a house in a nice part of London after Thornfield was destroyed, so we can live there part of the year. I also have a villa in the south of France that I really want you to see. That's where I went when I believed that I would never see you again. It's on the Mediterranean and it's beautiful. You will love it and I'm sure you will be inspired to paint there. In fact, I want us to spend some time there on our wedding trip. I do have that other place in the country, Ferndean, but we will not live there, as it is deep in the woods and too damp and unhealthy for children."

Jane blushed at his mention of children, then asked, "Have you considered rebuilding Thornfield?"

"No, not really. I could build somewhere else on the property, but for me there are too many unhappy memories associated with Thornfield. I've no wish to recreate it. And in any case, the cost would be prohibitive. I suppose I should consider building a small house elsewhere on the grounds so we would have a place to stay when I need to visit the property and see my tenants. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll write to my solicitors and ask them to find an architect and together, Jane, we can design a home. I will expect you to give me your assistance, since you are such a clever artist."

"I am afraid I am not quite such an artist as you seem to believe, Edward, but of course, I will do all I can to help."

"Nonsense, Jane. I've seen your work. You are an artist, a very good one in fact, and I intend to rely upon your opinion, so enough of this modesty."

"Yes, sir," Jane said, trying not to laugh.

Feigning anger, Edward exclaimed, "Excuse me, Jane? I'm "sir" now?"

"Yes, sir, you are "sir" when you talk to me like you are the master."

"Jane, you know me. You know I love you, but I can't help being a little, well, masterful. It's the way I was raised. But I hope you know I would never hurt you?"

"Of course I know that, Edward! I was only teasing you," Jane laughed.

"It's so good to hear you laugh, Jane. You were always so quiet and reserved at Thornfield. I knew that you were quiet because of your position in the household and also because you had had such a painful childhood, and when I fell in love with you all I wanted was to make you happy and hear you laugh. I promise you, Jane, that I will do everything in my power to make you happy and to make up for all the sadness you have had to endure."

Deeply moved, Jane surprised Edward by leaning towards him and kissing him lightly on the cheek. "Thank you, Edward. I am sure I will be very happy with you."

Edward paused for a few moments and just looked lovingly at Jane and then continued, "Well, Jane, if you have finished eating, I suggest you go back to Moor House and wait for me there. I will take care of arranging our wedding and come see you. Is that all right, or do you need to do anything in town?"

"No, that's fine. I guess I'll see you later, then." Jane rose and began to put on her coat.

"What! Are you quitting me already, and in that way?" Edward exclaimed as he rose from the table.

"You said I might go, sir," Jane replied, remembering the first time she had heard these words.

"But not without taking leave; not without a word or two of acknowledgment and good will: not, in short, in that brief, dry fashion. At least shake hands," Edward said, holding out his hand and taking Jane's hand, first in one, then in both his own.

"And this is what I wanted to do that night, after you saved my life," Edward murmured as he pulled Jane into his arms and began kissing her.