Help! My Vital Regions are Under Attack!

By: Ciamil B.

Pairings (so far): RussiaxChina (IvanxRei), GermanyxItaly, EnglandxAmerica

A/N: Sorry for this being so slow! ARGH, junior year is kind of sucking. Haha, I'm typing this, and midterms are in four days. I totally fail at time management, but I feel like it's going to get better after I finish this chapter.

Thanks for all the support! =D I'm glad that my writing doesn't suck that much, and that you all like my story!

Never fear, those of you who say, "what about (insert character)?'! Eventually, every Hetalia character will be used (because I'm awesome, that's why).

REI POV

"My life sucks," I say, and I have a reason for saying it, too.

Hey, it's me, Rei, again. I'm the guy who was just knocked out by a skinny hyperactive Italian. Don't you want to know what's happening with me?

"You think your life sucks? I'm in love with a guy who almost killed me while we were working together." Oh psh, Arthur. Alfred's an idiot. Ivan is different. Ivan's a dangerous idiot.

I'm in a nice bed in a nice hotel room right now. I would be happy about this, if not for the fact that bad things just happened, and the fact that this bed had a few wet spots that I don't particularly like. Sheesh ,when will Arthur learn to not drink tea in bed?

Oh well, it's not like Ivan doesn't drink vodka in bed sometimes.

Uh, not that I would know.

"Your life does not suck," Arthur says to me, "it's not like your captain knows where you are right now." Oh sure, take a sip of your tea at my problems. One day, you will work for me! And then I will force you to get Mango juice from a nearby store everyday for me… hehehe… AHAHAHAHAHA

"Stop that," Arthur says calmly, popping another sugar cube into his glass. I'm telling you, it's like he knows what's going on inside of my head. It's kind of creepy at times.

Alright, back to the situation.

"Yeah, but you practically had Ludwig tear me out of Max's arms. God, Max is going to have nightmares of an angry German man attacking him for the rest of the year," I say, already thinking about what Max would be like for the rest of the week.

A worried Max is never a good thing. He cries, he whines, and he fidgets! Kai almost shoved Max into the refrigerator last year because Max kept on shuffling around in the kitchen at four o'clock in the morning.

You know what? I'm going to shut my eyes. The world is such an ugly place right now! I cannot live like this any longer! Despair! I am despairing!

"Oh stop whining, you baby. Try getting stabbed in the arm by a random American – that's worth whining about," Arthur says, stirring his tea with more force than necessary. His arm got stabbed once when he walked down the streets of Detroit without taking anyone with him.

"Hey, it's not my fault you went to America to visit Alfred. You should have known to be on your guard at all times," I say.

Hey, don't look at me like that! I can be sympathetic when I want to! I didn't get hurt, but I did experience something even more horrible than what Arthur experienced (besides, at least the stab was on the left arm…). I learned my lesson when I went to America to visit Max. It was not pleasant. Not pleasant at all. I still look over my shoulder when I pass dark alleyways.

"It's not like anyone told me to be on my guard. Everyone just hugged me sympathetically and apologized for everything bad they had ever done to me when I told them that I was going to America to see Alfred," Arthur says.

Huh. I think I did that hug-thing, too.

"It was like a sympathetic, 'it was nice knowing you' hug! Sheesh, it's like you've never watched television before…"

Oh man, I feel sooo uncomfortable right now. Waking up in a foreign bed is disconcerting (not that I would know before today… ahem). It feels like someone rolled twenty sheep over me, because I feel warm and slightly violated.

Hey wait a sec, is that---

"Uh, Arthur? What's this around my neck?" Holy shi—is that the Russian flag? Ivan, you (*#&$--

"Russia came in here while you were unconscious… I was advised by Korea to, I quote, 'don't do anything to Ivan unless you don't have a gun! Wait here, I'll go and get you one!'. Ten minutes later, after Ukraine came to get Russia, I stepped out of my room to get some tea, only to find Korea sprawled out unconscious on the floor," Arthur says, adding another sugar cube into his tea.

Oh God oh God oh God oh God –

"At least he was breathing. And the bleeding was minimal." WHY ARE YOU TAKING A SIP OF YOUR FREAKING TEA?!?

"Where is Yong-Soo!" Oh God, if he's dead, I'm going to KILL Ivan!

"Don't worry, he's in Honda's room. Which reminds me, Honda told me to tell you to get Yong-Soo out of his sight as soon as you woke up," Arthur says, standing up to get some more tea.

Wait a second… if rooms are arranged by alphabetical order of first names…

"Why didn't you let Alfred take care of Yong-Soo? I mean, isn't Alfred's room right next to yours?" Well, that's interesting. Arthur is both turning red, and sputtering. Huh, he looks like Hilary on a good day.

"His room was not… available for use... when Yong-Soo was found," Arthur stutters his way through a reply. What? But doesn't Honda have the key to every room? Why did you –

Oh no.

Don't tell me that you and he… Is that his jacket on that chair over there?

Jesus Christ, since when did you listen to Billy Joel?

Is-is a bath towel with the American flag patterns on it?

"It's not what you think—"

Oh God! These stains are --!

"Rei, you need to stay in bed, you can't –"

"You sick bastard!" No, I'm not going overboard. This is a perfectly normal response of an Asian when he finds out that he probably slept in a very disturbing substance that could have possibly come from an idiotic American.

"Rei, calm down! It isn't what you –" Oh really, Arthur? Is it really not what I think?

"You let me SLEEP in this bed!"

"You're going to become unconscious again! You ungrateful prat, sit down!"

"Didn't even bother to change the sheets –"

"Fuck, that's it. I'm calling that blue kid."

"--- couple of horny teenagers, that's what you two are – "

"Yeah, hello? … Shut up and listen, you rude git. Rei's awake, and he's not in the right state of mind –"

"—no sense of hospitality at all! My mother would be furious! –"

"— No, I'm not going to tell you how I got your number, or my room number. Just park downstairs and I'll have someone send Rei down—"

"--- going to have to burn my clothes. I have to take a warm shower after I get back to get the filth off of me –-"

"--- bring some alcohol for me, I need it –"

"—of all the things you've done to fuck with me, this is one of the most –"

"—bring a wheelbarrow… not, not because of that. I can't guarantee he'll be able to walk by himself –"

"—ARTHUR YOU JACK—"

clobber

"Man, I feel like a woman… No, that wasn't the sound of Rei's body hitting the ground… be here in ten minutes. Bye."

THIRD-PERSON POV

Arthur closed his cellphone with a 'snap!" and turned on his heel.

"I guess I'll just have to send someone else to pick Yong-Soo up from Honda," Arthur muttered to himself. He sighed.

"Ah, I'll just call him," he decided, flipping open his cellphone again, and dialing a very familiar number.

"He's got to come back from that side of Japan sometime this week," Arthur murmured, "it'll be nice having someone I used to work with come over."

A couple rooms over, Kiku Honda was reluctantly comforting a crying Yong-Soo.

"WAHHHHH!!! Another day's been lost! If he comes back I'll have even more competition for Aniki's heart!!!"

"There, there… It's okay…" Honda said haltingly. He really was uncomfortable comforting anyone.

"And then Aniki will belong to someone else, and I'll be left without a love," Yong-Soo said, his tears practically drowning the small Japanese man.

"Chocolate, Yong-Soo?" Honda said, offering the only thing that he knew could make some people happy again. The number of times Tai had gone to him for comfort would have made any other man happy, if not for the fact that she just bullied him for chocolate.

"Yes please!" Chocolate was exchanged, and peaceful silence ensued for the two minutes it took Yong-Soo to finish the chocolate.

"OH ANIKIIIIIII!!!" And the wails continued. Honda sighed.

'I hope someone comes and saves me soon,' he thought inwardly to himself.

There really was no torture greater than hearing Yong-Soo cry.

REI POV

Well, that was an unpleasant experience.

So maybe I did over-react, but I swear it was just because of the stress! I cook, clean, and do basically everything everyday. Then Ivan comes along and ruins everything that has been going well for me. Then, immediately after that, I get knocked out by a hyperactive, gay Italian who brought his buff, scary German boyfriend along for the fun.

Oh yeah, did I mention that Max thought I went missing and called the Japanese police?

Soooo embarrassing. Especially since they walked in just as I stepped into the dojo, which was about the time that Kai was tying Tyson up. With rubber gloves of all things. Kai should not have sent Hillary and Daichi to get me, because if he didn't, this mess wouldn't have happened.

Gilbert told me that all Russians were crazy. I once doubted, now I regret. I probably should have stocked up on aspirin when I had the chance.

"—everything is under control. He just ate our dinner –"

"—much exercise could cause that… can decrease his exercise –"

"--- afraid he'll get fat ---"

"---llary, if he gets fat we can just shove him into the corner and he won't be able to move –"

An hour later, and things finally calmed down. Kai and Hillary tag teamed to get the police to leave.

Ordinarily, getting small scary Japanese police dudes to leave would be a good thing. But for me, it was a bad thing. So, short scary Asians turned to corner me, a short cringing Asian.

"Explain. Now."

"About what?" I hope my innocent look has improved. Last time I did it, it took Switzerland less than three seconds to readjust his gun to point directly between my eyes.

Oh crap, it's not working.

"Don't fuck with me, Rei. Explain."

Why you short little –

"I don't see what I have to explain." Take that!

"Rei, let me tell you how my day went. My day started with me being forced to drag the fat ass out of his room. Then, one of my bladers gets kidnapped to the bathroom. Max (oh come on, it's not like Kai can call everyone other than me by their last name) gets mentally traumatized, and you get taken away. And now you're back. My day sucked balls Rei, balls. I suggest that you tell me what is going on before I take this –"

Oh dear God, is that a beyblade launcher? Why is it, like, four times the size of mine???

"—and shove it up your ass."

"Kai, I—"

"Just tell me if you'll be able to live until our next match!"

Wait, what?

"Rei, I don't have time for this. Just tell me if you won't be kidnapped during training."

"Uh, I won't be kidna—"

"Good, now shut up and go away," Kai says, then leaves, leaving me with a 'what the hell just happened look' on my face.

"Don't worry about it," Hillary says, picking up the green rubber gloves that Tyson had chewed through while she and Kai were talking to the police. "Kai told me he won't worry about it, as long as you tell us all about it one day."

Thanks, Hillary.

Oh Kai, if Ivan weren't around, you'd probably be the one that I'd love more than anything. Then again, you just said you didn't care about things that are happening in my life.

"I expect you to stop wearing that scarf," Kai orders me, appearing once again in my eyesight. "People have started rumors about us and I don't want to encourage them."

Huh, I didn't even remember that I was wearing it.

"Yeah, sure. I didn't really have a choice in the matter…"

Kai pauses, standing still where he was. It looks like he wants to ask me something, but he doesn't really want to find out the answer.

Huh. It looks like he's kind of constipated.

"Rei, Kai and I were wondering," Hillary says, stepping closer to me like she's afraid to let anyone else hear what she has to say to me, "if you and that Russian man had… 'special relations'."

Oh no you didn't.

"I fail to see how that is any of your business." Yeah, back away, bitch.

"It is. If this gets out to the press," she says, "well… Can you try not to let it get out?"

Argh! I forgot about that… In my 'circle' with Ivan and the others, no one really cares about gay relations… mainly because world history is gay, and almost everyone in that circle is gay, too (have you SEEN the way Poland dresses?).

But the beyblade public is kind of a wild card.

"Yeah, I'll, uh, try to not let it out," I say, cringing as I'm reminded just how much Ivan likes to show people that I'm with him. I've been able to get him to curb his tendencies, but sometimes he's just so… well, protective that I can't control him.

"Trying isn't good enough," Kai says, glaring at me, "do say you'll 'try to,' say you will."

Methinks Kai's been reading too many self-help books.

"Okay, okay! I'll do it," I say, and Kai nods in satisfaction. Wow, that was really easy.

"Special training tomorrow, starting at five. Be there or I burn your hair."

I take that back.

Kai leaves. Hillary leaves. I'm alone in the room.

All alone… all alone… I wonder if that cooking show is on. I should really learn to cook more Japanese food for the team, I—

beep beep beep

Huh. My cellphone usually doesn't beep. My friends don't bother texting me, they just call me. At night. When Kai and the others are asleep. And my doors are locked. And their doors are locked.

------------

Message from: Kiet

Subject: Ho-Tai is coming back

Hey Rei.

Thought I should just tell you that Ho-Tai is coming back to the hotel.

=D Happy? We can have Asian's night out again!

-------------

… I think my heart just about burst in happiness.

THIRD-PERSON POV

"Here, big brother," Natalia said, handing Ivan a glass of vodka. Immediately, Katyusha replaced the glass of vodka with a glass of orange juice.

"Thanks," Ivan said, not even noticing that he was drinking orange juice instead of vodka. "I can't believe that idiot would dare to do such a thing…"

"Me neither, big brother," Katyusha said, patting her younger brother on the back, "but you had best think about the situation calmly." Ivan ignored her, trapped in his own mind.

'I must obliterate the competition,' Ivan thought darkly to himself, 'obliterate it completely…'

A few buildings down, a man named Kyung-Sam was eating a bowl of ramen at a very fast pace.

'Next victim, Im Yong-Soo,' he thought to himself. 'Let's see if brother has gotten any better at defending himself… MUAHAHAHAHAHA!' Kyung-Sam was so busy laughing evilly in his head that he never noticed that a bird had flown over his head and deposited a large, white glob of dung on his shirt.

'You are just too inept, Kyung-Sam,' a mysterious figure thought from behind an obnoxiously large newspaper while sitting on a bench, 'that has got to be the tenth bird poop blob to have hit you in the past three days.'

Sighing at Kyung-Sam's ineptness, the figure took out a cellphone and typed a quick message.

------

Message to: Kiet

Subject: Prepare aspirin

We're going to need it.

Kyung-Sam is still stupid. Don't worry.

T. N.

P.S: Buy condoms.

-------

Stowing the cellphone away, the figure shook his/her head.

'Well, life's going to get hectic soon with Kyung-Sam and Ho-Tai in the picture,' he/she thought to him/herself. 'I hope Rei escapes with his virginity.'

A/N: Who is the he that Korea is talking about? Who is Ho-Tai, and why is Rei so happy that he's back? What will Russia do to the 'he' Korea is talking about? Who in the world is Kyung-Sam, and what does he want with Im Yong-Soo? Will Kai try for Rei's heart? Does he even like Rei?

All these questions will be answered… SOMEDAY!

Sorry for the sucky ending. I couldn't think of a better one.

Also, for people who wanted to know how Kai would react to Rei wearing that scarf: his reaction in this chapter isn't really his full reaction.

- Ciamil B.

P.S: thanks to .tofu-melon for telling about how Korean names are written! Also, thanks to all the lovely people who reviewed. =) I'm glad my writing doesn't suck!