Wasteland

Disclaimer : I don't own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer does. I only borrowed her characters for a while. I'd like to keep Jasper for much much longer though.

Warnings : Angst, some suicidal thoughts, minor Bella bashing. ( Fine, I confess. I don't like her much. )

I didn't offer any resistance as a member of my family herded me along the path leading to our house. Any other day, it would have no doubt annoyed me greatly. Resistance, I found, was pretty futile after having just lost half of myself. The energy I had felt moments before when I'd made up my mind that I would find her had quickly disappeared when I found that Esme had been right. I couldn't pick up Alice's scent anywhere. It was almost as if she had never existed.

I shook my head, hoping to make the thought disappear. Such thinking would only serve to make me go crazy even faster.

I was led on the porch, small hands guiding my way until they made me stop, turn around slightly, and then pushed down on my shoulders. I was moving, and felt like, a robot. Under any other circumstances, it would have probably been funny, especially after having heard Bella say countless times that we vampires moved quite gracefully. I felt anything but graceful. I felt drained... Empty.

"Sit down, Jasper. Please." A small voice said. Rosalie, I realized. I obeyed wordlessly, finding myself sitting at the edge of the chair I often used when I wanted to be alone. My insides twisted with regret for a moment. If I had known, I would've never used this chair. I would've stayed by Alice's side every single moment I had, cherishing each second as if it were the last.

I was dimly aware of the others passing by me, their emotions varying from concern, sympathy, grief... And guilt, no doubt coming from Emmett. He had been the one tossing the body parts in the fire, and not knowing if Alice was... part of those was tearing him up inside. Nevertheless, none of them stayed by me for too long, no doubt worrying, not wanting to touch or talk to me out of fear that I would lash out. They left me alone outside, much like humans would have punished a child who had misbehaved and left him to think on his actions.

I chuckled dryly at the thought, causing Bella to stop dead in her tracks as she passed by and stare openly at me. I turned my glare at her until she shuddered and hurried inside to join the others. All because of her. If she weren't such a fragile human, none of this would've ever happened. I'd still have Alice by my side.

I was sure Edward had heard my thoughts, but he failed to become the overprotective fool he usually was whenever Bella was concerned. No doubt because he didn't want to push my already fragile state of mind. As if I could be wounded any deeper.

"What should we do?"

Emmett's words were calm, but his emotions were betraying just how bad he felt. I continued to glare at my muddy shoes as they spoke, their words sounding as clear as if they had been sitting on the porch with me. "I don't think there's much we can do," I heard Carlisle say in a low voice.

I wanted to get up, storm in the house and scream at him, to tell him he was a traitor for giving up. Hadn't Alice been the one to fly halfway across the world to save Edward when he was trying to end his existence at the hands of the Volturi? Hadn't she been the one to save us from being exposed to the humans times after times with her visions?

A loud crack shook me out of my thoughts, and I stared in mild surprise at my chair's broken armrest in my hands. I hadn't realized I was clutching it in the first place. A scowl appeared on my face and I tossed the useless piece of wood away, watching as it flew a few hundred yards before crashing into an oak tree.

I sighed, allowing my thoughts to wander once more. I thought of all the times we had spent together, hunting, going to school in hope to pass off as humans more easily. I thought of her delighted laugh when I managed to surprise her ; not an easy task when she could foresee everything I was planning. I thought of how proud I felt every time she smiled at me, and held my hand, showing the whole world that I was hers. The many nights we spent together, her small body fitting just right against me as she sat on my lap and I read to her.

I wanted to die.

My chest constricted. I didn't even want to consider the possibility of being able to live without her. I couldn't lie to myself that easily ; I knew I was nothing without her. I was my family's weakest link, always having to restrain myself that much harder to keep from making the human next to me my meal, and Alice was my anchor. She was the one who believed in me the most. Sure, I felt her concern everyday, but none of the others believed I could do it as much as her. Hell, I had trouble myself believing I could do it.

I heard Edward speak from the within the house, but didn't concentrate on his words. Edward. My mind suddenly seemed to awaken and raced as I thought. After believing Bella was dead, he had gone to the Volturi when he had wanted to end his life, hadn't he? I couldn't help but feel ashamed about thinking of giving up so easily, but try as I might, it was the only reasonable option I could think of.

How could anyone, human, vampire or else, survive after losing one's soulmate? How could I go on without Alice?

I couldn't. It was simple as that.

My body seemed to move out of its own accord as I rose fluidly from my chair and entered the house of the family that had taken me in, so many years ago, and had loved me like a son, and a brother. I ignored the waves of confusion and surprise coming from everyone as I walked past them quickly, making my way upstairs to my room. I went in, and with deliberate care, didn't look at anything that belonged to Alice as I grabbed some money, stuffing it in my pockets, along with my passport.

I turned around to leave, but paused for a moment. Reaching on top of the dresser by my side without really looking, I took Alice's favorite necklace and held it delicately in my hand. It wasn't anything fancy ; a simple leather band holding the Cullen crest. She had taken it off that morning, something she rarely ever did, before the battle. Had it only been a few hours? It felt like an eternity since the last time I had seen her, as cliched as that sound.

I closed my fingers around the necklace, and walked out, closing the door carefully behind me. Closing the door on a chapter of my life. Now all that was missing was the ending, I thought grimly.

"What's all this about, Jasper?"

I looked up into Edward's eyes from where he stood on the last step of the staircase. I didn't answer right away, taking note of his emotions as I stalled. Suspicion, concern. I pressed my lips together firmly and frowned, mentally hitting myself for being so careless, happily going on thinking about ending my life with my mind-reader brother just a few feet away. Stupid, stupid me!

He frowned as he continued to look at me, most likely trying to make sense of all the thoughts whirling around in my head. I couldn't make sense of most of them myself. "I'm waiting." He stated.

I wanted to shrug my shoulders nonchalantly and give some bullshit answer about me not being serious. But found that I couldn't. Lying had never been something I did, except before I had met Alice, when luring humans away from curious eyes to make them my next meal. My insides twisted at the thought. I was such a monster.

"I'm not sure." I answered simply. I spoke again before he could add any more. "I... I just can't bear this" My voice was becoming desperate as I went on. " I can't stay here, Edward. I have to... No, need to get away." I searched his eyes. "Please."

He didn't move, still stubbornly blocking my exit path. "Where will you go?" What was I supposed to answer? 'Oh, well you see, I thought I'd pay the Volturi a visit and ask them to rip me to shreds and then burn me. You know. For fun.'

"Away. For a while. I need to get away from here. Away from...her." That part at least was true. Being around constant reminders of her only served to torment me more. I didn't want her to disappear, and at the same time, I did. It was a conflicting feeling; one I wasn't used to.

"Just promise me something then. Promise me you won't do anything...Stupid." I wanted to laugh. Hadn't he used the same line on Bella in the past, before she went and befriended the next mythical beast she could find, and then jumping off a cliff?

His expression darkened for a moment and I apologized in my head, staring at my shoe sheepishly. "I promise. I wasn't thinking straight earlier, I apologize. I'll just get away for a while, maybe go to Alaska. Or someplace where I can be alone. Anywhere but here."

"Just remember we all love you,dear, and that you'll always be welcome here when you decide to come back." I looked up, finding that Esme had walked up the stairs, causing Edward to relinquish his spot on the last step. I nodded absently, feeling guilty as I embraced the woman who had been a mother to me for so many years. How much I wanted to be able to smile at her, and tell her everything would be alright.

"I'm sorry." My voice broke. "I... I have to go." I couldn't stand it anymore. It took me all my willpower to walk past Esme and Edward, walking down the staircase normally, before taking off running to the garage. I didn't want to have to face the rest of my family; I didn't think my broken heart could've taken any more goodbyes.

I climbed on my motorcycle, taking off as fast as it would go, concentrating on the necklace I was still holding in my hand.

Soon, I would be with her once more.


...Okay I did it again! XD

But I promise, in the next chapter, you guys will finally know the truth ; if Alice is alive or not. I'm almost done writing it. n-n

Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews!