Author's Notes:

Timeline: This is set about 3 years after Endless Waltz. The boys are 19-20 and Heero, Duo, Trowa and Wufei have been in the Preventers since the end of that war.

Pairings: 1x2, 3x4, Wufei/Sally

Summary: A Preventer mission goes wrong and Heero is killed while the other pilots watch. Will the new emotional trauma destroy Duo's sanity completely or will he use it to become Commander Une's new perfect soldier.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Gundam Wing.

Words in //italics// are Duo's internal thoughts

The elevator felt too small and Duo pressed himself against the back corner of it and concentrated on the hand rails as they dug into his spine. He did not want to be doing this and he wondered how his simple plan of sneaking into Lady Une's office, handing over his resignation, then catching the next shuttle off earth had gotten so easily derailed. His violet eyed gaze shifted to the woman in front of him and he swallowed. Commander Une did not intimidate him. He had lost too much in losing Heero to let her intimidate him any longer. He just wanted to go... and lose himself. Unfortunately to lose himself the way he wanted to he would have to cut the majority of his ties and he needed this woman's permission to do that. They would come looking for him otherwise.

//You just want Heero's ring Kid.// Duo rubbed his ear in frustration as the words echoed through his mind then forced his hand back to his side. He needed to stop the habit before it could become a habit. People would start questioning him about it if they saw him rubbing his ear too often and he was pretty sure they wouldn't take kindly to the news that he was hearing Deathscythe's voice again. The former pilot wrapped his hands around the elevator rails instead and closed his eyes for a moment as he thought about what exactly that idea meant to him. He was not insane. He knew that much. The slight mental fracture was a coping mechanism he had developed early during Professor G's training. Space was just too lonely and cold and Deathscythe's cockpit too small. It had helped to have someone to talk to, especially on the training missions where G had forced to stay in the cockpit for days without radio contact. Talking to and bonding with the machine had helped him stay sane.

The elevator chimed as the doors slid open and he silently forced himself away from the wall and moved to follow Lady Une onto the floor. They stepped into the hall together and Duo's nose crinkled as the smell of disinfectant assaulted his senses. He hated hospitals and he did not understand how Sally could stand to work down here.

"How do you intend to spend the duration of your leave?" Lady Une did not look back at him as she spoke but her voice carried clearly despite the bit of distance between them. She was trying to feel out where he stood emotionally and Duo knew that his answers would help determine how she treated him in the long run.

"I'll be working with Howard and the Sweeper group he has based out of L2." The older man was always looking for competent mechanics, technical engineers, and pilots. He qualified easily for all three and Howard had extended an open ended invitation to both he and Heero if they ever chose to leave the Preventers. It seemed like a good fit and Howard would let him work alone for the most part. He wouldn't need to rely on anyone if he didn't want to. The work would let him bounce from colony to colony doing odd jobs without forming lasting relationships that he would unavoidably destroy no matter what he did to protect them.

"You've spoken to him already?"

"Not yet." He was reasonably sure Howard would take him in again but not positive, and if the man wouldn't he would find something else. There was no way he was staying on earth though, that was for certain. Duo shoved his hands down into the pockets of his black jeans and looked at the floor as they continued walking. He could feel eyes of the various medical staff and patients on him as they passed offices and exam rooms but he couldn't bring himself to meet their gazes. He did not want to see the pity he knew he would see written across their faces.

"Sally?" Lady Une had stopped in front of the woman's office and gently tapped on the door as she spoke. Duo heard someone shuffling around inside and a moment later the door opened.

"Commander what do you need .... Duo." The woman's face softened at the sight of him and she didn't seem entirely surprised to see him. "Let the others know how you're holding up okay?" Duo expected her to say more but she seemed content with the 'less is more' approach. She didn't try to hug him, she didn't start crying, and Duo was silently grateful to her for not making a fuss over him. "Have you made any decisions about what you would like to do about the funeral?" She asked softly.

"No." Duo muttered bitterly, despite all the people he had lost in his life he had never been old enough before to actually influence what happened to any of them. He knew if this had happened on one of the colonies then cremation would be the only option available. There just wasn't space available for burials and there was a sanitation issue that came into play when the colony's water supply was constantly recycled, especially when the colony was in as bad shape as L2 had been. He shuddered involuntarily at the memory of drinking dirty rain water to survive and wondered for the millionth time why he was planning to go back there of all places.

//L2's home.// The words rang in his head with a force that they made him stop and another shudder rippled down his spine. //Yeah it is.// He agreed soberly. The silent admission made him feel impossibly cold and he noted that both Lady Une and Sally had stopped and were watching him. Duo forced his gaze up and met Sally's eyes for the briefest of moments. "As if I actually have any options right?." The words were laced with bitter cheekiness and were posed to both acknowledge the voice in his head as well as express what he thought his options were for Heero's funeral. He was going to have to have Heero cremated, just like everyone else he had loved in his life. The idea made his skin crawl

"Of course you do Duo! You have several options." Sally crossed her arms over her chest and glanced at the floor for a moment. "If you were living in the colonies you wouldn't but since you've been living on earth for so long you do. You can have a traditional funeral and have him buried or you can choose to have him cremated. It's what you want." She said as gently as possible.

"I don't... I don't know." Duo whispered softly. He felt tears well in his eyes and he stubbornly fought them back down. He was not going to let himself cry in front of his boss and the wife of one of his best friends. He couldn't.. //What do you really want Kid?// "I just want him back." He murmured softly and immediately hated himself for saying the words aloud. They couldn't figure out he was talking to himself. They would think he had lost it for sure.

"Oh Duo." Sally reached out and caught his hand in a surprisingly strong grip. "You don't have to make the choice by yourself if you don't want to. Wufei, Quatre, and Trowa will help you if you ask them to."

"I don't want their help!" Duo growled. He tugged his hand out of hers with a force akin to desperation. "I don't want to hurt them too!" Didn't anybody understand that he was going to destroy all the good things in his life? That he was trying to make sure it didn't happen?

"Duo! They care about you."

"Well I don't care about them!" He regretted the words the instant they escaped his lips and he looked up at Sally with wide helpless violet eyes as he tried to find the power to take them back. //Way to go Kid.// Duo wanted to scream at the voice to shut up but he struggled for something to say that would take away some of the blow's force instead. "He...Heero..." His husband's name stuck in his throat and his eyes watered again. "Heero wasn't supposed to die Sally. He survived everything the war threw at us... I... I thought he could survive my curse too and I lost him like it was nothing. Quatre, Trowa, Wufei... if I lost Heero that easily then the rest of them don't have a chance. I don't want Trowa and Quatre to know what I'm going through, or for you and Meiran to lose Fei because of me, because he was my partner and I screwed up." The mention of her daughter made Sally's face harden for a moment then she sighed painfully and shook her head.

"It's your choice Duo but they aren't going to stop loving you just because you push them away."

"They should. They'll live longer." He turned away and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration then crossed his arms over is chest and shuddered. "I just want to say goodbye to Heero and get his ring." He looked back at the two women pleadingly. He would never forgive himself if he didn't get it back "Please?" He asked imploringly. That was all he wanted. It was small enough that he would be able to keep it no matter where he ended up. "I don't know what I want to do about the funeral yet. Just lemme say goodbye first?"

"Of course Duo." Lady Une told him softly. "Sally?"

"Right." The blond looked like she wanted to say more about his relationship with the other pilots but she seemed to realize that right now it was the last thing he wanted to hear and led them down the hall to the morgue. She unlocked the door with her key and Duo shuddered as he passed through the door behind her. Every survival instinct he had cultured since he was a child was screaming at him to run but the adult in him was being reasonable for a change and forcing him to stay. "Here it is Duo." Sally whispered softly. Duo's gaze immediately snapped up and fixated on the silver chain and ring in Sally's hand.

"Heero." His lover's name rose unbidden from his throat and he tried to walk on feet that were suddenly numb and clumsy. He stumbled forward and caught himself on the exam table. The complete lack of grace in his movements almost made him burst into tears again and he suddenly couldn't breathe when his fingers finally closed around the chain. The metal links and heavy Gundanium ring felt ice cold in his hand. Duo was so used to them being warm when he touched them because Heero never took them off. He always had the ring on his finger when they were home or on the chain under his shirt when he was on a mission. Duo felt cold all over just holding it now and he didn't realize he was talking till he heard the words ringing off the morgue's metal walls.

"It was Heero's' idea to have our rings made out the leftover scrap from our Gundams." He found himself whispering softly. "As a positive way of remembering what we had gone through to be together." He rubbed his hand across his eyes and was surprised to find them dry. "I was such an idiot to think it would actually last."

"No you weren't Duo. The war has been over for years. You had ever reason to want to be happy together." Sally insisted firmly.

"I'm Shinigami. I don't deserve to be happy. I let myself forget that and this is my reminder." Duo clipped the chain around his neck then tucked the ring under his shirt. The metal was still frigid and the coldness pulled at his heart almost painfully. His gaze flitted momentarily along the wall of drawers and easily found the one with Heero's name written on it. "Can you guys leave?" He asked softly. He wanted to say goodbye alone if they would let him.

"I don't think that's a good...."

"You can have all the time you need Duo. Sally and I will be in her office when you are ready."

"Thank you Commander." Duo murmured softly. Sally seemed ready to continue protesting but Lady Une took her arm and guided her out. Within moments the morgue was eerily silent and Duo found himself alone to make a goodbye he still couldn't fathom making. He just didn't know how, or what to say, or how to say it and it weighed on him horribly.

As always reviews and constructive crit are welcome. They really help me with the writing process.

I know I promised a confrontation with Relena this chapter but the exchange with Sally and Lady Une ran so long I just couldn't fit it. What do you guys think of the chapter length I'm going for? I think between 2000-2500 words per chapter is about right. Should they be longer? Shorter? Let me know what you think.

Chapter Preview: Duo tries to say goodbye only to be interrupted by Relena's unexpected arrival.

ALSO! 10 points to your Hogwarts House if anyone can tell me the musical from which I took the title for this chapter from.