Chapter Five
Blue.
The pregnancy test in my hand was a vivid shade of the colour. I bowed my head clasping the plastic stick between my hands as I sat upon the closed lid off the toilet in my private en suite.
Blue...
I was going to have a baby.
I was going to be a mom.
A million emotions rushed forward, suspending me in time. There was a calm deep inside me as I registered them. Shock, fear, elation, they all clumped together and hit me at the same moment. I set the test down on the side of the bath and put my head in my hands.
I'm going to be a mom.
It wasn't a question of what I was going to do. I already knew what I was going to do. The decision had already been made for me after the incident with Hagen. My womb had ruptured in the hospital after I had been attacked by that son of a bitch. The doctors had manage to stem the bleeding and stop me from haemorrhaging to death but they hadn't been able to save much of my fertility.
The doctor had said I'd only get pregnant if I was exceedingly lucky, or with a lot off help. In this case I was simply dumb.
Mathew and I always used condoms, he was obsessive about the risks of unprotected sex. So really there was no question about the identity of this baby's father.
No matter what happened I was having this baby.
The question was what to tell Tim.
There hadn't been a repeat of that night in the parking lot. Our relationship hadn't taken off like it does in stories or the movies. It was simply too raw, I was finding it hard to forgive him for leaving me.
The two of us were cordial, in front of Daniel and then at the lab but those were the only words uttered between us. Tim had regressed, becoming sullen and interior like he was when I first arrived here. I didn't know what was going on in his life and he never stuck his nose into mine.
Did I like it that way? I never let myself think about that.
For now it was best to keep it to myself, at least until the doctor confirmed and dated, and then the decision was up to me. I placed my hand on my stomach over the growing baby in my abdomen. I wondered who it would look like, would it have Tim's eyes and my hair? Would it look exactly like Daniel? Or something like me?
Right now I wanted to enjoy this moment, but there were things still weighing in my mind.
There was no doubt I still loved him. It was deep and unconditional, it had survived death and every night it ate me up inside knowing that he could be lying there next to me, his hands smoothing through my hair as he murmured to me underneath the sheets.
I knitted my fingers together, and pressed them to my forehead. I didn't understand why this was so hard. Tim had done a terrible thing, but I understood it, I had done it myself once upon a time. I should have seen the signs, yet I hadn't. That bothered me. Where I distanced myself Tim had become more affectionate. I had thought he was going to propose and instead he had 'died'.
He had manipulated me, and that was my problem. I hadn't seen it coming, which left me open to more.
I had realized that the moment I had seen him standing there on the beach, the trust wasn't simply fractured, it was shattered. How could you trust someone who could do what he had done?
I knew what it felt like to be in the other person's shoes, feeling your life had been snatched away and then thrust back upon you. I knew how he had felt when I had done my own disappearing act.
Forgiveness, I felt wasn't something I could give at this point.
I wondered what that meant for my new baby.
Picking up and moving wasn't an option, neither was an abortion, and no matter what happened in time Tim would learn of this child and he would want an active part in it's life. It wasn't fair to deny him that.
Yet he didn't have to have a part in my pregnancy.
It had been three months since the nights at the restaurant regarding him, Mathew and Kate. Not much had changed since then.
Kate's relationship with Mathew had disintegrated, his mother was no longer speaking to him although his father found the entire situation amusing. Tim had moved out of Horatio's spare room and into a place just like his old bungalow over looking the beach. It was somewhere between The Crime Lab and Kate's house. Not too close and not too far.
Kate and Tim's relationship had developed into little more than acquaintances. She was mad, he got that, but it didn't stop his heart from physically hurting every time she pulled away from even the lightest accidental touch.
He was scared she would never come around. He wondered if this was how she felt when she'd returned. He felt abstract and devoid. He wondered how much longer he could stand it. He wondered how she had managed to all those years ago. She persevered and eventually their relationship had developed again, maybe he should do the same. Hope was pretty much alluding him at the moment.
He watched her as she walked past, Horatio and her were in deep discussion. Their heads were bent together in conversation as they talked deeply. He thought he knew why, Daniel had mentioned this morning on the way to school that Kate had been ill the past few mornings. He had been worried, he wanted her to see a doctor.
Tim remembered using the bathroom the other night after dropping off Daniel. He remembered knocking something into the sink when he was washing his hands, it had been a brown medicine bottle. He'd picked it up and glanced at the label, registering the vitamins but not their purpose.
Right now they were running through his head, like the tiny footsteps he imaged running through Kate's house. He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to know the truth, but there was never time. Daniel was always there and if not Daniel then work, or rather Kate's absence from work.
He tried to focus on the task at hand. They were still trying to identify the bank robbers from the incident this morning that Eric had been caught up in. DNA was running through the possibilities from the masks used to cover the perp's faces, while Ryan Wolfe played the video game trying to figure out the next level.
It seemed bizarre to him that crime had developed in such a fashion. A younger generation of criminals using the game as a template for how to live their lives.
Tim hadn't been sure what to make of Ryan Wolfe at first, their encounters were strained. He knew he made the younger man nervous and every time he tried to alleviate that, it seemed to get worse. He was no good at this mentoring thing, he couldn't put people at ease the way Eric did, or dazzle people with charm the way Calleigh always had. He was gruff and awkward, at least that's the way he felt. He had been more easy going when he was with Kate, more interactive and sociable.
Horatio detached from Kate, a smile on his face,. Kate looked worrisome, her arms wrapped around her abdomen. Protective, Tim thought.
Horatio was waving Kate off, leaving her alone in the corridor. The labs were quiet at this time of day. Tim found himself on his feet and slipping out of the door towards her. This was an opportunity he wasn't going to get again.
He ended up standing behind her, Kate turned to face him, her face etched in shock as she realized how close he was standing to her. It took him a moment to realize he was well within her personal space.
"Oh." she cried out in surprise, her hands resting on his chest to steady herself as she teetered suddenly.
Tim put his hands on her hips to brace her for a second. He found himself inches away from her face, their bodies almost touching as he looked down into her face, taking in her perfect feminine features. Kate took a step back, her arms wrapping around herself as she withdrew from his touch.
"I guess I'm a little unsteady on my feet," she said, forcing a smile before taking a step away fro him and down the corridor.
"Was that dizzy spell you had just then?" Tim asked, falling into step along side her.
He kept to her pace easily, even when he realized that she was trying to out walk him. He was making it awkward for her.
"I haven't eaten much today." Kate admitted contemplatively.
"Isn't that bad for the baby? You know lack of nutrients and shit." Tim withdrew his trump card and smacked it onto the metaphorical table.
Kate stopped in the corridor, they were standing in front of the evidence locker. Boa Vista was busy cataloguing evidence, her head bowed as she used a pen to write down each item. She wouldn't be bothering the two of them for at least a few minutes. Kate grimaced as she turned her head to meet his gaze. He saw the stubborn in the way she stuck out her jaw, a defensive action.
"You know." she stated, putting her hands on her hips and angling her body to face him.
Assertive, he thought as he looked down at her careful to keep his own facial expression blank.
"No, now I know," he corrected. "Before I simply suspected."
Kate looked down at her stomach, he found himself following her gaze and staring at slight indentation under her white blouse. His assumption that she'd gained a few pounds recently had been incorrect.
"So is it mine?" he questioned, pointing a finger towards the tiny bump underneath her clothes.
Kate drew in a deep breath, finally taking control of herself.
"It isn't your mistake, it was someone else's." she told him, looking away down the corridor distressed.
He felt something yank inside him, it stabbed savagely into his chest. He swallowed hard, but in the end all he could feel was injustice. She was being unfair and she was mistaking him for someone who was stupid.
"Mathew's?" he spat. "You fuck my brother and now your having his baby?"
"Since when was that any of your business?" Kate snapped, raising to her full height which was still several inches shorter than him.
"It became my business when you screwed me in the parking lot, I don't remember using a condom Kate." he reminded her, jabbing at her chest.
"You weren't the only one I screwed." she retorted.
He knew she was watching him closely, she was searching for weakness so she could push at it and make him go away. Tim held his ground and used the only weapon he could against her in this situation. Logic.
"Mathew's last visit before that night was six months ago. Now you don't look six months pregnant to me, you look about three." he informed her, tilting his head away from her as something caught his eye.
His brain registered what he was seeing in slow motion as Kate spoke. A gunman in a mask similar to the other, Boa Vista shaking and aghast at the gun pointed directly in her face. Horatio creeping behind, his mouth open shouting, his gun out.
"Oh fuck you, you know jack shit…" Kate spat.
The gun shot cut her off, Tim's hands were already on her shoulders throwing her to the ground as the automatic weapon erupted with the sound of gun fire. Glass exploded above him as he covered Kate's body with his. His hands pressed to his head keeping I down as the shards rained down on his body. The bullets patterned the wall right where they had been standing. He could hear Kate's laboured breathing beneath him and then nothing. His ears were ringing with the sudden noise from the gun fire.
"Kate…" Tim lifted his body off hers lightly as he spoke.
He knew he was heavy and his weight had pressed down on her suddenly overbearing. Kate didn't responded, her head was trusted to one side side. Her dark hair was splayed across the tiles, her eyes closed. There was blood on her pale cheek, he didn't know where it was coming from, something wet was sleeking across his brow. He realized he'd been cut by the glass.
"Kate." he said louder, staring down at her prone body underneath him.
He rose up onto his knees, his legs straddling her lower body as he studied her for blood and bullet wounds. Kate moaned, her head moving from side to side as her eyes fluttered open. She grimaced in pain, her hand going to the back of her head. There was a scuffle beyond them in the evidence locker. Horatio was standing over the body of the dead masked man, his gaze on Tim and Kate as Tim scrambled off her.
"Everyone ok?" he asked, his watery blue eyes showing concern as he analysed the two of them.
"No bullet holes." Tim confirmed, turning his attention back to Kate, who was still lying underneath him, taking stock of her injuries.
Tim's hands automatically went towards her head , smoothing the hair away from her face as their eyes met, he saw the panic in them and realized she was disorientated.
"Just lay still ok, you've banged your head." Tims soothed, his fingertips checking her scalp and feeling a goose egg on the back of her head.
"The baby?" Kate murmured, doing as she was told.
Tim's hand came to rest on her stomach gently. It was a motion he didn't realize he had made until he'd done it. It seemed second nature, almost natural.
"Do you have any cramps, or pain?" he asked her, not daring to glance between her legs for fear of what he may see.
"Only my head." she told him, swallowing hard.
There were tears in her eyes, she blinked them away, her own hands coming to rest on her stomach, feeling he knew for the baby.
"We need to get you checked out." Tim said, raising to his feet.
It was the only way to alleviate their worries. His heart was still racing in his chest, the adrenaline still cursing through his body. He shoved aside the argument they had been having because her need was his responsibility. She needed him to take care of things at the moment, to take care of her.
He bet over, taking her hands in his as she sat up, before pulling her as gently as he could to her feet,
"My doctor." she uttered slipping an embossed card out of her pocket.
Her hands were shaking. Tim enclosed her tiny hand his larger one and squeezed it reassuringly before withdrawing with the card.
"Trust me, it'll be ok." he tried to comfort her.
Kate's face was ashen, her hands cradled her stomach protectively as her eyes met his, wide and defenceless.
"I hope so."