Hello again! I hope that everyone had a good week.
Thank you again to Tiggrmommi, VJGM, Pomme_de_terre, and everyone who is taking the time to read this little story!
Without further ado…here you go.
I do not own the characters, only the story.
Thursday – San Quentin Prison
The rest of my day had passed in a daze. I went into the office and Angela sent me home after I wouldn't give her more than one word answers to any of her questions. I wished that I had never agreed to come into the office. I was still trying to process the events of the day when I got home. Getting close to him was something I couldn't afford to do. He was the subject of my interview, a man scheduled to die in two days. He was a murderer, a killer, someone who cared nothing about the value of human life.
Even I couldn't let myself believe those things. There was more to him than I had ever imagined there could be. He was still the person who had murdered all of those people but he was someone who firmly believed that he was doing the right thing. He felt justified in doing what he had to do. I went to bed that night and only dreamed of him. The dejected way he walked out of the room at the end of the interview was the last thing I remembered as I woke up covered in sweat.
I turned off my alarm and went into the shower trying to ready myself to face another day in that place. I wasn't sure how he had managed to survive so long in there, alienating himself from the world. I found myself wishing that he had never turned himself in. That we had met at another time in another place but those thoughts would get me nowhere. We were here now and I would conduct this interview to the best of my ability.
I pulled on slacks and a sweater and then pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I told myself that there was nothing unusual about me putting on a little extra make up. It was very hot inside those walls and I wanted to be sure it would last through the day. As I got into the car and started on my way I wondered what Edward I would get today. Yesterday ended on an odd note and I didn't know how to act when I saw him again. Would it be okay to smile? Would he try to touch me again?
I pushed all my thoughts aside as I parked and checked in. I tried not to think about the fact that this was almost my last day of checking in. Angela and I hadn't discussed whether or not I would be present for the execution, neither had Edward or I for that matter. It wasn't something that I had felt comfortable bringing up but it wasn't something I could avoid forever. Forever was something that we didn't have.
He wasn't there when I got to our room and so I sat and waited, fidgeting with my pen and double and triple checking my tape recorder when finally I heard footsteps in the corridor. I ignored the erratic beating of my heart, tried in vain to not look up when I heard the doorknob turn. He looked even more tired than the previous day if that was possible. I wanted to scold him and tell him to take care of himself, to get proper rest but when you only had hours to live why sleep?
He sat down quickly and waited for the door to close before he smiled at me.
"How was your night?" It was fairly obvious how his night had gone but it seemed like the polite question to ask.
"Long. How was yours? Did you dream? It has been so long since I have actually slept, I don't quite remember what it was like anymore." He seemed so eager to hear about it, to live vicariously through me.
"It was restless, my dreams were scattered." I hoped that he wouldn't press for more information but I should have known better.
"What did you dream about?" He seemed genuinely interested and he looked more alive as we talked. I tried to think of something that would sound believable but my mind was incapable of editing my mouth.
"You." His eyes lit up as he stared across the table at me.
"So not only do you have to spend your days with me but your nights as well?" He was much more lighthearted today than I had ever seen him.
"There is no escaping you." I started laughing but soon noticed that he hadn't joined in.
"About tomorrow night." My laughter died down immediately. "I would like if you would be there."
"You want me to watch?" I couldn't add the rest of the sentence. I couldn't verbalize his death in any way.
"I know it is a selfish thing for me to ask, possibly even cruel but I would like to have someone there who I can look at and try to escape what is happening. If I could look and see you there then I can leave this world with my last memories filled with something beautiful and pure." I struggled to swallow over the lump in my throat.
"I'll be there." I would not think about what this might do to me. While I might be able to offer him some slight comfort during his last minutes I would have to still live with what I might see. "Is that allowed?"
"I've spoken with my lawyer and he can arrange the necessary paperwork. I can give you his number or I can give him yours." I ripped out a piece of paper and wrote my number on it and passed it across the table to him. Then a thought occurred to me.
"Will your family be there?" We had never discussed them in depth and while I assumed that they would want to spend his last few hours together I had learned that people rarely did what you would expect them to.
"Yes, they are spending as much time with me as they can on Friday. You are welcome to join us." He extended the invitation as if we were discussing a dinner party and not the last few hours of his life.
"No, I wouldn't dream of intruding." I couldn't imagine what it would be like to watch his family try to say goodbye with a stranger in the room.
"You're right. That might be uncomfortable for them. I would like it though." He gave me a small smile and I looked away.
"I'm still coming in tomorrow morning if you are up for it." It was all I had to offer him. "I don't know what the schedule is like tomorrow but I will stay as long as I possibly can."
"I would like that." This time the smile stayed on his face a bit longer. "Could I bother you for one more favor?" He held up his hand to stop me before I had a chance to answer. "I know that I have no right to ask you for anything but this is relatively simple." This time he waited for a response.
"Go on, I can't agree to anything until I know what it is."
"I was hoping that you could dress a bit more casually tomorrow then I could feel like this is a little less like work for you. Don't get me wrong, I understand that this is your job but it would be nice to believe that someone was here because they wanted to be tomorrow, someone other than my family." He stared into the corner of the room. A sure sign that he was nervous about what he had said.
"This stopped being a job the second day Edward. I wanted this assignment, I won't lie. But as each hour I spend with you passes I find myself liking you and that was the last thing I ever expected." It was my turn to hold up my hand so he wouldn't interrupt me. "I didn't anticipate hating you, I thought I would be intrigued by you and slightly disgusted by your motives but you surprised me. You didn't do this for the notoriety, you didn't want praise and you didn't even welcome the attention. You did this because you felt you had to for the greater good of those around you. I almost couldn't believe that you were even capable of the things you admitted to doing. Yet there are moments when I realize how dangerous you are capable of being and yet still I can't seem to stay away."
"I am dangerous Bella, please make no mistake of that. I have done some things that no one should ever have to do but it was all necessary. I could have never imagined that my life would come to this. When I was little I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help people, to save them and now look what I have become. Some days I don't even recognize myself anymore. I still believe in what I did but it is getting harder to remember why as the hours go by." His fingers found their home in his hair again and then moved down to his eyes as he rubbed them vigorously.
"Perhaps in your own way you did save people. Not in the way you had originally intended but surely lives were saved through your actions." I couldn't believe I was justifying murder but I could see that this was eating him alive. Three days ago he was upset when I questioned his motives and now he had no fight left in him. Perhaps that was a good thing, what good would it do him to fight? Still I hated to see him so desolate.
"Thank you." His eyes were red from where his knuckles had dug into them. "Why don't we talk about something else for a while? I haven't been much of an interview so far have I? You have been more understanding than I deserve. What would you like to know?"
I looked down at the questions in front of me and they all seemed so pointless as I sat here. This man in front of me was waiting to die, had only hours to live and I was pretty sure that he didn't want to discuss his childhood, his job, his life in prison. I remember writing down the questions and thinking how if only I had the answer to these questions I might be able to figure him out, to give people insight into his mind and how everyone would be astounded that I was able to get out of him what no one to date had succeeded in getting. Now I felt ashamed of myself, he wasn't a stepping stone to my career. He was a flesh and blood person who was sitting here hurting in front of me.
"Why don't we just talk? There is nothing important on here that I need to know." He actually looked relieved. He was willing to do what had been promised of him, not out of desire but out of obligation and I knew without a doubt he would have answered any question that I gave him.
"I think I would like that very much. I hope that you don't mind if I ask the first question. Why did you want this assignment?" He never missed a thing that I said. Even when I whispered something to myself he heard me.
"I thought that I could succeed where others had failed. I thought that you would tell me everything and that this interview could be the turning point in my career." I looked down, ashamed that I had just admitted to using him to further myself.
"You don't want that for yourself anymore? You don't want your career to move on to bigger and better things?" He looked confused. "I wouldn't mind you know. If that was something I could do to help you out after all of this was over it wouldn't bother me. You have to look out for yourself Bella. Nothing you could do would hurt me. There will be no me to hurt soon." His hand stretched across the table as if he was trying to comfort me. I moved my hand until the ends of our fingers touched. "Really Bella ask whatever you need to if it helps you."
"I can't be that person, can't be the one who furthers themselves at the expense of others. I thought that this was what I wanted that somehow this would satisfy me but it isn't like I thought it would be." He moved his hand over the top of mine and patted it.
"You thought you would interview someone more exciting?" He laughed as he said the words.
"No," I laughed. "I thought I would be able to keep my distance and I've realized I can't."
"Is that such a bad thing?" He started to pull his hand away and I shook my head.
"In my line of work, yes, it is very bad. Some things can't be helped though." We sat and stared at each other for countless seconds.
"What did you expect? When you came here what did you expect to find?" His fingers tensed over mine.
"I expected to find someone who had no remorse. Someone who believed strongly in what he did and offered no apologies for it. I didn't think that you would be frightening or intimidating based on what I had seen of you in other coverage but I did expect someone who was a bit cockier. If any of that makes any sense." He nodded his head as if he understood what I was saying.
"I think that by refusing all press I gave the press free reign to develop their own preconceived notions about me. There was really no point in changing anyone's opinion of me."
"Why did your lawyer want you to do this interview then?"
"What you have to understand is that my lawyer is also my brother in law. If you don't recall I had no need for a lawyer since I had no trial, no appeals, and such. He is mainly my estate lawyer and so I am using him to get my affairs in order. This interview was set up at the insistence of my sister, Jasper's wife. She wanted people to understand me, my motives because even if she didn't agree with what I had done she knew that at heart I wasn't evil and wanted others to understand that." He laughed shortly. "As usual what Alice wants Alice gets since you are sitting here in front of me."
"Do you regret agreeing…" I wasn't exactly sure that he had ever agreed to it. "Do you regret doing this?" He shook his head immediately.
"I almost regret not doing it sooner. No that isn't true, I don't like dealing with people, don't particularly like talking about myself. I never have. I'm really not that exciting to be honest. Aside from what landed me in here I have lead a rather uneventful life." I almost laughed, aside from the little murder thing his life had been boring. I imagine that it would make anyone's life a bit more eventful. "If you don't think that you can do this anymore then what are your plans after this interview?"
"I haven't thought about much past this Friday to be honest." When I first imagined my plans for this weekend it involved celebrating my first successful interview and now I realize how naïve I was to believe that this experience wouldn't affect me.
"Funny, me either." I know that he was trying to be light hearted for my benefit and it only made me feel worse.
"Don't say that." I wasn't sure how I could manage the next day and a half, trying to pretend that everything was normal, that I could handle this. For him I would be strong though, he wasn't looking to me for support but I was here in a professional capacity and I had to maintain my dignity.
"Listen I am ready for this. It won't be easy by any means but I understood the repercussions of my actions when I started down this road. Don't let it hold you back from what you set out to do, you still have a life to live." I shook my head in agreement but looked down as the table in front of me blurred as tear filled my eyes. "Please Bella for me, promise you won't give up on what you set out to do. I've already sacrificed my life, don't sacrifice yours. You are meant for so much better. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve."
"I p-p-p-romise." It came out shaky and I quickly used a hand to wipe the moisture from my eyes. His fingers were warm as they came to my face and helped to wipe away the one tear that had escaped.
"It will be okay. One day you will forget me, forgot all of this and you will wonder why you ever cared so much." I wanted to argue, to yell at him for thinking that my feelings were invalid but he put a finger to my lips. "Perhaps that was rude of me to say. I have no doubt that this will affect you for some time but one day all of this will fade. Don't argue, I'm not saying it will fade because you don't care or are heartless but it will fade because it needs to in order for your life to continue. You can't dwell in the past." I knew that what he was saying made sense I just didn't want to hear it at the moment. "Why don't' we change the subject again? What kind of music do you like?"
I smiled at him, appreciating the effort he was making in order to cheer me up. We spent the rest of the afternoon disliking our likes and dislikes, keeping the topics light and low key. We shared a lot of the same interests from music to books and I was about to recommend a new book to him when I stopped myself.
"You don't have to censor yourself Bella. Just because I won't be around to read a new book you like doesn't mean I don't want to hear about it. Don't second guess everything that you want to say. Let's just talk." He smiled and nodded his head as if to let me know that it was okay to keep talking about it.
"How do you do that?" I felt horrible that he had to comfort me.
"Do what?" He had kept his hand in contact with me the entire time and he was rubbing his finger along my palm.
"How do you manage to comfort me at a time like this? You shouldn't have to." He stopped moving his finger and stared at my hand for some time before looking up at me.
"Your being here brings me comfort. This was the last thing I expected when Jasper told me about the interview. If I can return the favor then it is the least that I can do." He changed the subject yet again and long before I was ready our time was over for the day. He gave my fingers one last squeeze before the guard entered and nodded at me as he was lead away. His demeanor had changed instantly and I sat alone in the room for a moment, gathering my thoughts.
As I walked to my car I looked back at the prison and wondered where he was inside and what he was doing. I tried not to think about the fact that when I came back tomorrow there would be no more days left. I focused on the drive home and made myself wait until I got home to fall apart.
There isn't much to say after that other than thank you and I will be back next week.
Jaime