Bondage Style!
Chapter 22
Disclaimer: Naruto stuff belongs to Kishimoto
Author's notes: Upwards and onwards.
-o-o-o-
Genji had been a genin of Suna for a rather lengthy bit of time, over 15 years serving loyally and faithfully, through the good times and the bad. In that time, he'd also been one of the few to vocally protest the way their villagers, ninja, and Kazekage treated their jinchuuriki. It was a fairly large part of why he was still a genin, despite passing the chunin exams on multiple occasions with more than satisfactory recommendations. In Suna, speaking against your village leader was... frowned on to say the least.
His protests had little to do with the fact that said jinchuuriki was a poor, emotionally isolated boy who should have been taken better care of by his father. No, he simply thought it was plain common sense for a weapon to be raised as an emotionally balance and loyal ninja. There by, ensuring that they didn't have to fear someone else coming around, offering him a better life and him turning those oh so frightening demon spawned powers around onto them.
As he and his comrades reached Konoha's wall, he was treated to the sight that sent his stomach plummeting. Gaara, leaning ever so casually back against the wall, reading a small book next to a blonde haired boy in a black jacket and a Leaf nin forehead protector. As every instinct screamed at him to run, one of his cockier, chunin ranked comrades stepped forward and opened up his mouth.
"Oi, Gaara! What the hell are you doing here!? You're supposed to be..." The man began to speak, before suddenly having a gag of sand shoved into his mouth.
"Do you mind? I'm trying to read." Gaara glared back at the man, before the another tendril of sand snaked around, grabbed hold of the man's boxers, and used them to toss him towards the back of the group. "Some people, no manners."
"Well, that's how it is these days, especially when you're dealing with people of a more... limited intelligence." Naruto affirmed with a casual nod of his head as he would scribble in another note. "Though, I think they're waiting for you to explain yourself."
"So? Let em ask, or just keep waiting." Gaara shot back, his eyes never leaving the small book as he flipped it to another page.
"Well, I'm sure they do have some very valid questions." Naruto responded evenly as he would continue to scribble away in his notebook. "Among them, why you just utterly humiliated the idiot instead of killing him."
"You don't need me to answer that, do you?" Gaara finally tore his eyes away from the page, and shifted his gaze over to the boy next to him.
"Nah, I know why, but as for them? That's another issue entirely." Naruto paused a moment, as he noted amidst the sea of confusion, Genji's rapidly paling face. "Well, all but that guy. He seems to have a pretty good idea.
As one, the rest of the Suna nin turned their attention, in confusion, onto Genji, before turning back to Naruto, and staring blankly at the boy. Seeing that they just weren't getting it, Naruto paused a moment and lightly pinched the bridge of his nose as he put his pen and notebook away. "All right, as it seems you aren't quite getting it, I suppose we can spell it out."
"Naruto is very good at… explaining things," Gaara noted with a sage nod of his head.
"I do have a bit of practice I suppose," Naruto agreed with a nod of his own before he turned his head and shifted just a bit. "Now then, today, you're all here to invade Konoha, my village I should note, and something I'm really not too keen on happening…"
"Very true, it is a nice Village, so nice and green, full of life and very pretty cherry blossoms." Gaara added with another firm nod of his head, causing the Suna nin to shift their attention to him in confusion while Naruto rolled his eyes in amusement.
"All you care about is one, rather violent, cherry blossom." Naruto observed with a dry cut to his voice while he crossed his arms about his chest.
"True. But she is still very pretty." The red head shrugged slightly, a slight grin on his face, causing the Sand Shinobi to either take a step back in fear, or stare in shock.
"I prefer what I've got." Naruto countered before he turned his attention back to the group. "Now then, where was I? Ah yes, you're here to invade us. In fact, right now, Gaara here is supposed to be in the middle of Konoha, unleashing Shukaku to rain down death and destruction on the village."
"Which, I do have to admit, does sound more than a little fun," Gaara said with a slight note of disappointment in his voice, a sigh escaping his lips before shrugging a bit. "A shame we went and stuck him deeper down so he can't get out just by me going to sleep."
As the eyes glued to Gaara, Naruto rolled his eyes yet again and sighed slightly. "Oh, fine, go and ruin the punchline." Seeing the uncaring shrug the jade eyed boy sent him, Naruto sighed slightly then turned his attention back to the rest of the group. "Long story short, Gaara likes it better here. He has friends, a girlfriend, people that don't treat him like he's a demon, a girlfriend..."
"You already mentioned that part." Genji mumbled numbly as he stared at the pair.
"Yes, but it bears repeating." Naruto agreed with a shrug before grinning a bit. "So, naturally, one jinchuuriki to another, I went to old man Hokage to see what we could do for my new friend."
As they stared at the cheerfully grinning blonde, his words slowly registered in their minds and instantly the already pale looking ninja went even paler. Nodding in agreement Naruto let his cheerful smile grow a bit more menacing. "And, given that we'd already interrogated a Sound Nin and discovered their side of the invasion. Along with that, the fact that Gaara's sensei thought that while the tragedy of losing the 'author' and I use that term in the loosest sense of the word, of Icha Icha would be a tragedy, but a manageable one, losing both him, and the author of Sweet Silky Nights, also a Konoha nin, would be a bit too much, really played an important part."
"… We'd lose… BOTH!?" An outraged cry could be heard from somewhere in the Suna ranks.
"Indeed. Gaara here got his copy for the author himself a short time ago." Naruto agreed with a sage nod of his head. "Anyway. With all that said, what it boils down to is this. You guys treated Gaara like shit, so you don't deserve him. We're keeping him."
"… I am hardly a pet, Naruto," Gaara chided even as he subtly shifted his body, so the Suna shinobi could see his Sand protector had been replaced with a Leaf one.
"Details, details…" Naruto waved his hand airily with a slight smirk curling on his lips, before suddenly tapping his chin. "Although, I'm sure the girls could…"
"No." Gaara stated in a dead flat tone, before turning his attention towards the frozen Suna group. "Let's just deal with them already."
Taking a moment to glance from Gaara, to the rest of the group, Genji paused a moment, before opening his mouth to speak. Only, before anything could come out, one of his comrades, intimately familiar with the man's rants glared back at him. "Don't even THINK about saying, 'I told you so,' Genji."
The lifetime genin pouted slightly, what was the fun of being right, if you couldn't rub it in their faces, the last few moments of consciousness you had left?
-o-o-o-
Ino stared at the scene in front of her with a look mixed with awe and absolute horror. Next to her, Hinata merely gaped, her pale eyes wide in bewilderment. Next to the two teammates, Hiashi calmly sipped at his tea as he eyed the scene with a critical eye. "I'll give you a 10 for ingenuity, but a 3 for mental stability."
Inoichi ignored his friend as he continued to direct the singing and dancing Sound nin as they leapt about, embracing, singing, stripping down and stabbing each other with kunai. It had started out simply enough, a large contingent of Sound nin being intercepted by the men and their daughters. Moments later, the contingent had turned upon themselves at the application of Inoichi and Ino's combined Mind Body Confusion technique. Then, Inoichi had decided to get creative.
As the final two nin built up to a crescendo, then embraced one another, their bodies covered in the blood of their comrades, before they simultaneously rammed a kunai into the back of one another's skulls.
"Ok, seriously… what the hell, Daddy?!" Ino squeaked out as she stared at the suddenly silent battle field.
"Eh, what can I say? I've been hanging around you and Hiashi too long." The man shrugged, grinning cheerfully back at his daughter. "Shall we go see how Shikaku, Chouza and the boys are doing?"
"Hmmm… Or, we could go and see how the Inuzuka are doing." Hiashi offered, his eyes suddenly sparking hopefully.
Hinata palmed her face and sighed slightly as she muttered something rather unflattering under her breath.
"Now, now, just because Kiba is a filthy pervert, there's no need to say those kind of things about his Mother, Hinata." Hiashi chided lightly, before pausing a long moment. "Even if she does have a delightfully dirty mind."
"… If we see them on the way, we'll stop by and say 'Hi.'" Inoichi offered diplomatically, before smiling cheerfully. "Onwards then!"
"… You know, my family used to be sane." Ino noted as she settled into place next to Hinata. "Before you and Naruto-kun came into my life."
"And my father used to be a closet pervert." Hinata countered with a shrug and a sigh before she couldn't help but smile. "Still, would you really rather go back to how life was before?"
Ino didn't even pause as she shot her answer back at the girl with a grin. "Nope, not on your life."
-o-o-o-
Tenten was grinning in a way that made Shikamaru wholly uncomfortable. It was a grin, he'd learned, meant one of two things: Either she was learning something wickedly dirty about Sasuke and Haku's relationship, or she had a shiny new weapon of mass carnage she was waiting to try out. Seeing as how they were about to engage a compliment of Sound nin, he rather hoped it was the latter over the former.
The fact that Kankuro wore a matching grin, both assured him, and frightened him all the same, especially considering some of the ideas he'd given the two. After those brainstorming sessions, Tenten had begun hanging out with the puppeteer every chance she got, learning how to make the chakra strings he used to control his puppets. If he was honest with himself, Shikamaru had been hoping that the sessions would divert the rather… enthusiastic girl's attentions on the puppeteer.
Unfortunately, no such luck.
"Tsk, troublesome." Shikamaru sighed slightly before crouching down, a familiar hand sign and suddenly his shadow shot out, expanding and latching into one, then the dozens of other shadows nearby as almost instantly the group froze in its tracks. "Success. Whenever you two are ready."
Grinning madly, Kankuro threw out the bandaged bundle on his back, and suddenly his puppet, Karasu was hovering in the air above the frozen group. "Well, I have to thank you for being so generous as to be the test dummies for our new advance in puppetry."
"Oh, will you quit with the theatrics, kabuki-boy!?" Tenten interrupted as she glared mildly at the boy. "Make with the shiny and pointy destruction already!"
"See how it is?" Kankuro turned his head to his captive audience and sighed slightly. "The abuse I put up with! And I don't even get so much as a kiss outta it." A gesture made towards Shikamaru and the man continued even as he tugged on a particular string, and suddenly Karasu's back was loaded with an odd, heavy pair of sectioned boxes. "I get her all worked up, and he's the one that she drags off to have her way with."
"… you're also the one that steals his sister's underwear, wears make-up and reads Icha Icha." Shikamaru couldn't help but comment, before blinking slightly and hanging his head with a sigh. "Tsk, so troublesome, I've been hanging around Naruto far, far too much."
"… Seriously, are you going to kill us, or are you trying to make us kill ourselves from having to listen about your whiny, teenaged melodrama?" A voice spoke up from the Sound nin ranks.
"… And there we go, time to make with the carnage!" Kankuro noted as he tugged on a particular string, causing the boxes to suddenly open up, revealing an array of shiny, razor sharp kunai directed at the nin below them, then…. Nothing.
Frowning, Kankuro tugged on the string again, then again, before suddenly twitching as he felt Tenten's glare directed at him. Holding up a warding hand the boy quickly continued. "I swear! This never happens to me! It was working fine just last night! You can ask Shikamaru!"
Tenten paused a moment, a sudden line of drool dripping out of the corner of her mouth, before she quickly shook her head and growled at the boy, a kunai floating dangerously above her fingers. "You promised me shiny, pointy destruction!"
"I don't know what's wrong with it! I polished and oiled the joints up just this morning! The trigger was set! The charges pumping! I'm trying! I really am! But no matter how hard I jerk it…!" And then suddenly there was a slight explosion in the air above them, as the weapons suddenly erupted from Karasu's shoulders and fell upon the trapped nin with a sudden, merciless fury.
"Ha! See? I told you!" Kankuro shot back, as he smirked at Tenten. "Just a momentary misfire!"
With Tenten lost in an awed sea of appreciation, Shikamaru again ran the conversation through his mind and couldn't help but feel the urge to palm his face and hide, far, far away from the two.
-o-o-o-
Kabuto blinked slightly at the sight of Kakashi appearing in front of him, lazily slouched forward, hands in his pockets.
"Yo." There was no fear, no worry, only a decidingly relaxed pose as the man would seem to only half pay attention to him. "Been a little while, Kabuto-kun."
"Ah, you recognize me, eh Kakashi-san?" Kabuto paused a moment, before sighing as he removed his mask and lightly tossed it away. "Then I suppose I have no need for that then. Do you think you can catch me this time?"
"Well, ya see, last time I kinda got lost along the way…" The man drawled as he smiled back at the boy, his eye shifting up slightly in his head as he continued to lean lazily forward. "The road of life and all. So, this time, I went and brought a long a friend to help me out."
Frowning slightly, Kabuto couldn't help but glance around worriedly. "Please… please tell me it's not Gai-san."
"Oh, don't worry, Gai's busy giving those snake summons a headache." Kakashi's hand left his pocket as he waved it dismissively. "Nah, this is a new friend I made."
Just then, Baki appeared behind Kabuto, his arms crossed about his chest, causing the glasses wearing teen to relax slightly and smile. "Ah, but you see, Kakashi-san, you're not the only one to have made new friends."
"Oh, I know, Asuma, Iruka, Naruto, Lee… actually most anyone involved with the Leaf Genin teams that made it to the finals have made new friends." Kakashi agreed with another of his cheerful smiles. "Isn't that right, Baki?"
"Yes, I'd say so." The second one eyed man responded evenly as he continued to stand at Kabuto's back. "Asuma especially was rather interesting to talk to, one wind user to another."
A pit of dread sinking deep in his stomach, Kabuto turned his head over his shoulder and examined Baki. Stony face? Check. Jonin vest? Check. Suna forehead protector? Danger Kabuto! Danger! Leaf sign detected!
It was then, still frozen in shock as the full implications of Baki's allegiance hit him, that the sound of a thousand birds filled his ears. Right before a lightning blade crashed through his rib cage, and he suddenly couldn't feel his legs. As he glanced down, he noted the way he was supported solely by the hand sticking out of his chest. His legs, his hips, most of his stomach, was collapsing onto the ground below him, courtesy of a wind blade.
Kabuto managed a simple blink, before he slid backwards off of Kakashi's hand and hit the roof with a wet thud. The last thing he would hear, was Kakashi's voice, sighing. "Man… that's another shirt and glove I'm going to have to replace."
-o-o-o-
Kin huffed lightly as she crossed her arms about her chest and lightly kicked at the table as she sat on the couch. Outside, her Master was out and about, fighting to defend his home, and she was stuck here, under strict orders to not go out until someone came back for her. Glancing out the window she could see the distant flashes of combat, and she grumbled slightly before kicking the table again. It just wasn't fair!
-o-o-o-
"So, ah, Jiraiya, so nice of you to join the party…" Orochimaru noted nervously even as he hedged backwards bit by bit, that stare was getting to him. The outraged Jiraiya he could handle, the emotional Jiraiya he could handle, the jokester, the pervert, the author, the sannin, the sage, any of those things he could handle. All except this one aspect of his former friend he'd always been wary of.
"Normally, I might engage in this little banter, back and forth, traitor." The words left his lips in a cold, hard tone that made both Orochimaru and Sarutobi flinch slightly as it reached their ears. "But, unfortunately for you, I'm here to fix my past mistakes."
"Aw, I'm flattered, and you put me at the top of the list? Kukukukuku…" The humor, the bluster far more forced than was the norm for him as he shifted again, his arms loosely at his sides in a deceptive stance all three knew was far more ready than he appeared.
"Not even in the top three." Jiraiya responded with a cold shot as he shifted his stance as well. "I'm just through with putting it off, hoping that the Orochimaru I loved like a brother can still come back. He's dead, and gone. All that remains, is a twisted shadow of him that needs to be put down."
"Well, I see…" That dead pit in his stomach just dropped down to his feet as Orochimaru turned his attention to the Hokage. "And you, Sarutobi-sensei?"
"I have a mistake to fix." The man responded with a simple, thin smile, before Jiraiya made a rather pointed cough next to him and the man grimaced. "Well, several, but we decided to start with you."
"Then I suppose it's time to start things then?" Orochimaru began to make the appropriate signs, as he suddenly thrust his hands down towards the rooftop, summoning forth three coffins. Matching his actions, Jiraiya made signs of his own, and struck the roof with his foot, leaving Orochimaru to dodge backwards as row after row of tiles streamed forth and tore their way from their places on the roof and ripped through the coffins.
When he got a good look at the coffins themselves, the icy resolve on Jiraiya's face melted into one of burning cold rage as he flicked his eyes over to the snake sannin. "You… DARE?!"
As Sarutobi's eyes flicked from the coffins, labeled first, second and fourth, a look of comprehension dawned on his face and he took a step away from Jiraiya, even as he gave Orochimaru one, simple glance of simple, anger tainted pity.
"Well, it did seem like a good idea at the time." Orochimaru lamented lamely as he shifted slightly backwards. "Now, Jiraiya… old buddy, old chum… Can't we talk about this?"
"No." The word could have crushed a glacier with the frigid force behind it as Jiraiya answered him. "We can't."
What followed would live on as a moment of infamy in the convoluted legend of the three Sannin. When asked exactly what Jiraiya did to the Snake Sannin, Sarutobi simply turned green and refused to comment on the matter. What is known, is that despite everything he did, Jiraiya was unable to kill Orochimaru.
Not due to a lack of trying, the man's twisted experiments had created such a monstrous state, that the sannin was simply unable to figure out how. What he did do however, was to seal away the monster who had once been his best friend, deep in the bowls of Konoha. Waiting for Jiraiya to return with someone they both knew could figure that very how out.
When the Sound Four realized exactly what had happened, they'd been too bewildered to escape the four shadow clones of the Hokage. The way that Jiraiya's eyes had softened when he saw the foul cursing red head, send the recognition rippling through Sarutobi's own eyes. Though Tayuya would never know it, her resemblance to another, spirited red head had saved herself and her teammates from the worst that Konoha's T&I section had to offer.
All throughout the village, the route continued as cells of Sound and Sand nin were either defeated, or realized just how bad the situation had become and surrendered. When it was over and done with, the most extensive damage came to the eastern walls where one of Orochimaru's snake summons had broken through. Most of the rest had remained purely cosmetic.
-o-o-o-
"Wait… You're sending me on a what?" Naruto stared at the Hokage who was quietly leafing through the papers on a desk. "With HIM?!"
The accusatory finger had risen up, and was jabbed at a neutral faced Jiraiya who leaned back against the wall and remained silent as he listened to his sensei's words as the Hokage answered the teen. "On a mission, and yes, with him. In light of certain… developments, we need to have the last of the Sannin recalled back to the village. Jiraiya is the best suited to find her, and he's paid for an escort mission for you and your teammates to accompany him."
"But…" Naruto paused a moment before he slumped backwards and groaned loudly. "I just got done with all that invasion stuff! I was planning on taking a break, hanging out with Gaara and everyone else!"
"Meh, the other kid's Konoha nin now too, right?" Jiraiya cut in as he glanced at his sensei, getting a confirming nod of the head before he shrugged. "I'll foot the bill for him and whoever else he wants to bring. Not like I can't afford it."
"… You know, I can't be bought." Naruto shot back, glowering lightly at the man. "I make at least as much as you do."
"Not trying to buy you, kid." Jiraiya paused a long moment, closing his eyes as he slumped back and a sigh escaped his lips. "I've got a lot to make up to you. I know it. If it means that I need to foot the bill for your friends so I can spend some of the time getting to know you better, hell, like I said, not like I can't afford it."
Naruto spent a moment, glaring from one of them to the other, before sighing just a bit and slumping in defeat. "So, basically a bunch of genin are going to be escorting a sannin?"
"Since all the chunin exam finalists are now Konoha nin, we're going to wait until after you return to hold some actual combat trials to determine readiness." Sarutobi spoke up as he looked at the boy carefully. "You and your friends have already displayed the tactical and strategic thinking necessary for promotion, now we simply need to make sure that their combat skills are up to par."
"Their?" Naruto asked curiously as he arched a brow at the Hokage who snorted softly in response.
"Naruto, there is no doubt that yours and Gaara's combat skills are at least chunin level. Your place as a chunin is already assured. With Gaara, we need to do a bit of a mental evaluation, as well as a trial period for himself, his siblings and his sensei."
"So, what… You're saying I passed?" Naruto's brow was arched slightly as he crossed his arms about his chest. "This isn't just something you're both trying to do to make me not pissed at you anymore, is it?"
"Naruto, something as serious as this, I would NOT put my village's safety and reputation at stake to appease my personal wants." Sarutobi responded with a firm frown as he looked past his steepled fingers at the boy, before pausing a moment and offering him a slight grin. "That doesn't mean an old man can't hope though."
"I'm still pissed at both of you," Naruto said flatly, before grumbling slightly as he crossed his arms about his chest. "But at least I get to hang out with the girls and Gaara some."
"We're leaving in the morning, so have Gaara report here with who's coming with us." Jiraiya spoke up quietly before he gave the boy a lingering look, then walked over to the window, "I'll meet you at the North gate at 8." And with that, the sannin vanished out the window, leaving Naruto alone with the aged Hokage.
"… Please don't be too hard on Jiraiya, Naruto." The old man took a slow puff from his pipe even as he slumped back in his chair. "He lost so much in a very short amount of time. You, I and Konoha are all he has left."
When Naruto failed to respond, visibly holding back a biting comment that Sarutobi could see he wanted to make, the old man sighed once more and looked out the window. "Jiraiya was an orphan of the first Shinobi War. The only family he's ever had, have been his team, and your parents.
"He watched his brother turn into a monster and betray us all. He watched the woman he loved fall for another, then abandon him and Konoha when the pain grew too much. He watched the student he loved like a son, sacrifice himself to save this village, while he lost your mother due to complications when you were born."
Sarutobi took a moment to let his words sink in as he took a long puff on his pipe before he continued. "I'm not saying that he couldn't have done better. Or that I couldn't for that matter. But, I just want you to have a better understanding of the why for him."
Naruto simply looked at the man, wordlessly before he gave a slight, brief nod, before turning around and exiting the building, leaving the Hokage alone in his thoughts.
-o-o-o-
"So, mission tomorrow, you're coming with," Naruto stated casually as he slid down into the seat next to Gaara. "Escorting the pervert. Anyone you wanna bring?"
"… Why would we be escorting my brother anywhere?" Gaara asked curiously as his head tilted lightly to the side, staring at his friend.
"Wrong pervert." Naruto corrected with a soft little chuckle as he lightly leaned back.
"Hmm… That Gai person? Or, perhaps Kakashi-san? Or…" Gaara continued to list off a variety of different names, each one causing Naruto's face to fall a little bit more.
"I forgot how many perverts there are around here." Muttering slightly under his breath, Naruto shook his head and sighed. "Jiraiya."
"Ah, your godfather." Gaara nodded once as he settled back. "That does make more sense then."
"Do you have to remind me?" Naruto almost whined as he lightly glared at his friend, huffing slightly with a sigh before nodding his head. "Yeah, seems he's interested in trying to make it up to me. He's got a mission to track down the other Sannin, Tsunade and bring her back, so he hired off my team to go with him. I mentioned I was planning on hanging out with you, and since he was footing the bill for the escort anyway, he offered to pay for you and whoever you might want to bring with you."
"Sakura." Gaara answered immediately, without even a moment's consideration.
"Just Sakura?" Naruto blinked slightly as he looked at his friend oddly. "Not Kankuro or Temari?"
"Temari snores." Gaara stated simply and to the point. "Rather Loudly."
"And Kankuro?"
"He's Kankuro."
"True." Naruto grudgingly admitted before shrugging slightly. "Sorry, just… Kinda odd… Since I don't have any siblings and you have two…"
"Would you want a sibling like Kankuro?" Gaara countered pointedly as he leveled a look at Naruto.
"If it meant actually having a family?" Naruto responded, his eyes lifting up for a moment to stare at the ceiling. "Yeah, I would."
Shifting in slight discomfort, Gaara paused a moment, before the words left his lips. "Care to take mine off my hands?"
"Not on your life."
"Didn't think so."
-o-o-o-
The next morning found Naruto standing casually at the north gate with Kin happily standing next to him, with Hinata and Ino chatting quietly with one another off to the side while Sakura leaned back against Gaar's chest, his arms about her waist.
"So, this everyone who's going?" Jiraiya asked casually as he showed up, his lips twitching just a bit as he couldn't help but feel a surge of warmth at the couple and the.. well whatever the hell you wanted to call his godson's convoluted relationship with his teammates and the Tsuichi girl.
"I do believe so." Gaara agreed with a nod, before pausing slightly as he eyed the man. "Do we need to start informing the hot springs in the areas we'll be visiting about you?"
"Not for the foreseeable future." Jiraiya responded quietly, his eyes growing distant for a moment before he shook his head slightly. "Anyway. We'll be hitting a lot of gambling parlors, casinos and bars. You're free to gamble as you want, but no taking out loans. Stick to what you have on you, I'm not going to bail you out."
"And if I have to bail you out, I will not be happy." Naruto spoke up as he glanced meaningfully to his peers. "I do believe everyone here is aware of what happens when I'm not happy?" The smile he gave them sent a shiver down there spines while Jiraiya repressed a snicker as he nodded.
"Wait… you bail us out?" Sakura asked, her eyes blinking in incomprehension. "I thought you were an orphan?"
"I am." Naruto responded simply with a shrug as he smirked back at her. "I just happen to write better than the pervert here."
"Allegedly." Jiraiya responded to the barb by almost sticking his tongue out at his godson, before smirking a bit back at the widely blinking girl. "Kid's worth almost as much as I am."
"Naruto's… Rich?" Sakura just blinked as she tried to process the statement.
"Hell, add in his parents money and he probably has more than me." Jiraiya shrugged a bit as he idly glanced at a suddenly subdued looking Naruto.
"You knew Naruto's parents?" Hinata spoke up, knowing, remembering how much her teammate had wanted to know as much as he could about them.
"Yeah. He acts more like his mom than his dad." Jiraiya answered simply as he shouldered his pack. "All right, time to head out."
As Naruto remained silent, the bewildered members of his team followed after him, a curious looking Sakura and Gaara nearby.
-o-o-o-
"Hmm?" Naruto blinked slightly as the door to his room slid open, before scowling slightly from where he was buried in the clinging forms of Hinata, Ino and Kin. "My, the voyeurs around here are a lot more brazen than they are in Konoha."
Hinata blinked slightly before looking at the towering, blue skinned man with a massive, bandaged sword leaning easily on his shoulder. "Hmm.. I don't think he's a local, Naruto-kun. He's wearing a Mist forehead protector."
"Mmm…?" Ino blinked slightly as she leaned forward, peering at the slightly amused, slightly dumbstruck figure. "While black works, the red completely clashes with your complexion."
"Perhaps a purple instead of red? Or a delightful sky blue!" Kin offered helpfully as she leaned against the others.
"Well, he is still a voyeur." Naruto said easily as he casually nibbled at Ino's neck. "Really, some people, worse perverts than my god father."
"Oi, Itachi!" The massive man turned his head, glancing back to speak down the hall. "Aren't the jinchuuriki supposed to be lonely pariahs?"
That made the quartet blink slightly before the glanced at one another, even as the man grinned back at them. "Because, from where I'm standing, it sure as hell doesn't look like this brat's unloved."
As the door slid more fully open, it revealed the crimson eyed form of Itachi Uchiha glancing neutrally down at the group before meeting Naruto's eyes. "Well, you do seem popular, Naruto-kun."
"Great, this is supposed to be a nice, relaxing trip to pick up an old gambling booze hound, and what do we get?" Naruto grumbled slightly and shook his head with a sigh. "Spanky's crazy brother."
"… Spanky…?" Itachi twitched at that as his crimson eyes narrowed.
Next to him, the shark-like Kisame barked off a laugh as he leaned against the door frame. "Oh, I gotta hear this one. Spanky?"
"Well, he should be proud…" Naruto responded back with a casual ease as he leaned against the wall and slipped his arms back into his coat. "He DID teach the supposed genius of our generation of Hyuga the meaning of the word… 'Respect.'"
"… Spanky…?" Itachi repeated, the twitch growing into a regular pattern as he stared back at the quartet while Kisame laughed again.
"Oh, took him to hand eh?" Kisame chuckled even more as his grin revealed the savage, pointed teeth.
"By hand, by paddle, by crop…" Ino listed off with her fingers, before lightly tapping her chin a moment as she pursed her lips. "Why, I think he even got him with the whip a few times." She paused, before brightening considerably as she reached into her jacket and pulled out a familiar envelope. "I have pics of you don't believe us!"
"… Why are you carrying around pictures of Sasuke's disciplining of Neji, Ino-chan?" Hinata asked, staring at her teammate and frowning just a bit.
"You never know when you're going to come across one of his still rabid fan girls." Ino responded with a sage nod of her head. "The pictures break their minds so beautifully!"
"Twisted girl." Kisame noted with an amused chuckle.
"She's a Yamanaka." Itachi responded flatly as he almost glared at the picture envelope in her hand. "She was one of my brother's fan girls as I last heard."
"Man, are you out of the loop." Ino snorted softly as she lightly lounged against Naruto's chest. "Naruto-kun's where it's at these days. Uchiha… the whole broody, condescending pretty boy thing is sooooo last year. These days it's all about the blonde pranksters!"
"And the ex-psycho redheads." Hinata pointed out with an amused grin. "Sakura's been having to fend them off with a club."
"The redemption shtick works." Kin countered with a grin. "Hell, even LEE has more fan girls than Spanky these days."
"… Are you trying to destroy me?" Itachi responded with a ripple of annoyance showing on his face as Kisame grinned in complete amusement.
"Nah, if we wanted to do that… Well…" Naruto began before a loud voice could be heard.
"Itachi!" Sasuke's growl burned through the air as the angry Uchiha appeared, racing down the hallway, intent upon lodging his kunai in the man's body, only to be grabbed by the back of his jacket at the last moment and lifted into the air.
"Oi, this one looks kinda familiar…" Kisame paused a moment, looking over the violently squirming Sasuke before glancing back at the quartet. "You four know him?"
"HI SPANKY!" Came the chorused response as the four waved at the suddenly freezing boy.
Turning his head, Sasuke blinked slightly at the sight before growling as he crossed his arms about his chest. "Dammit, if I'm gonna be forced to look at so many scantily clad girls, you could at least have Naruto in the same position!"
Itachi's twitch suddenly grew into a spasm.
"Uncle Kisame…" A new, familiar voice could be heard, causing the towering missing nin to blink slightly then turn his head to behold Haku, walking calmly down hallway. "Why are you holding my boyfriend like that?"
"… Haku-kun?" Kisame blinked slightly before turning his head, his eyes growing owlishly large as he looked from Sasuke, to Haku, then back again. "… Boyfriend?!"
"Uncle Kisame?!" Came six chorused voices as the Konoha nins, former and current all stared incredulously at the man, before Itatchi registered the rest of what the boy had said.
"Wait… boyfriend…?" Itatchi's face was a rippling explosion of twitches as he stared back at Kisame. "Isn't the Haku-kun you were referring to a boy?"
"Yup, he is…" Kisame agreed, his voice stunned and subdued as he stared wide eyed at the glowering Uchiha in his hand.
"And that is most definitely the Haku-kun you refer to?" Itachi continued, his voice slowly growing toneless.
"Considering I can feel my boxers being turned to ice?" Kisame responded with a wince and a nod. "I'd say so."
"And he just called my little brother his boyfriend."
"Yes, he did."
"… Then… Sasuke… my little brother… is…. is…" Itachi seemed to struggle around the words, staring as his eyes grew wider and wider.
"Gay? Homosexual? Lusted after Naruto-kun almost as much as we do before he met Haku?" Hinata offered up helpfully.
"Is this true, Sasuke?" Itachi turned his head, staring wide eyed at his little brother.
"What, I'm not putting on a show for you with my boyfriend just because you don't believe me." Sasuke shot out, before pausing thoughtfully. "Though, if it keeps bothering you this much… Haku, baby…"
"… Spanky-kun, I am not making out with you in front of my Uncle Kisame just so you can fuck with your brother's head." Haku responded simply as he lightly glowered at his boyfriend.
"Oh, it's not JUST because I want to fuck with his head." Sasuke responded with a lecherous grin. "When do I NOT want to make out with you?"
Haku paused a moment, before lightly tapping his lower lip in contemplation, before smiling brightly. "Ok! As long as you're not doing it JUST to fuck with his head."
"Fuck." Itachi swore as his shoulders slumped in defeat.
"Hey now! We haven't gotten THAT far in our relationship!" Sasuke protested as he glared at his brother. "What kind of sick, degenerate…"
"Well, there goes that plan." Itachi continued, not quite hearing his brother's ranting. "5 years worth of planning, down the tubes because my brother's gay." Grumbling softly the last straight Uchiha sighed and pulled off his robs and handed them over to Kisame. "Sorry Kisame, looks like I've gotta go back to Konoha."
"Wha tha hell?!" Kisame finally dropped the Uchiha brat and stared at his partner.
"Well, SOMEONE has to fucking revive the clan, and if Spanky here's not going to do it, guess who it falls to?" Itachi grumbled even more as he sighed and shook his head. "It was so simple, I kill off the clan before they can start a civil war that would lead to Konoha's destruction other than my little brother. He hates me, he gets strong, he kills me and then goes and starts the clan over again from scratch with a nice Konoha girl."
He paused, before throwing his hands up in the air and sighing. "But NOOOOOO, Sasuke has to be gay! So, unless I go back Konoha, my clan dies out."
"… Wasn't that the whole point of you killing them off?" Naruto pointed out as he blinked slightly at Itachi before he reworked what the man had said in his head. "Wait... civil war?!"
"Dear old dad and the rest of the clan were planning on trying to overthrow the Hokage." Itachi responded as he swapped out his marred forehead protector with a fresh one. "Sarutobi tried to find a peaceful solution, it didn't work out, so, he was forced into a position he hated." Itachi paused, casually adjusting his retailored ANBU uniform. "Tried to even use me as a spy for him. Ugh."
"So… you didn't want to overthrow the Hokage?" Kin offered helpfully as she stared up the young man.
"Hello, genius!" Itachi lightly tapped his head and rolled his eyes. "The instant they started embroiling into things and actually began the violence, Konoha would have been so weakened that it would have been easy for her enemies to finish her off. Not that our 'brilliant' father could see that, arrogant bastard that he was." Again the elder Uchiha brother made a face and sighed. "Truth be told I'd be perfectly happy NEVER fighting or killing again. I HATED it."
"…" The rest of the group, even Sasuke, Kisame and Haku stared at the older teen in absolute shock.
"What? I did what I had to do to preserve peace." The teen responded defensively. "Doesn't mean I liked it."
"… THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT ME THROUGH THAT DAMNED GENJUTSU?!" Sasuke screamed as he glared at his brother.
"Mmm? Oh, I wanted you to kill me of course." Itachi nodded his head sagely and then shook his head. "Kill me, restore the clan and be nothing like the Uchiha of the past."
"… wouldn't it have just been easier to do it yourself in the first place?" Naruto offered curiously.
"Are you kidding me?" Itachi stared at the boy incredulously. "So, what, I'm supposed to just kill almost everyone I loved, then just sit down and start up a happy little family?!"
"I suppose that is a bit of a stretch." The boy admitted with a sigh before glancing towards Kisame. "So, Haku's Uncle… How's that working out for you?"
"… Haku… is this blonde brat a friend of yours?" Kisame asked delicately.
"Naruto-kun, or Ino-chan?" Haku put forth curiously. "Well, they both are really, but Ino-chan is a bit odd at times."
"Very, very true." Naruto admitted with a sage nod of his head.
"I'm not weird, I'm intriguing!" Ino protested as she pouted slightly.
"… Fuck." Kisame grumbled slightly before tossing aside his cloak as well. "Looks like I'm coming to Konoha with you Itachi. Someone's gotta make sure your deviant little brother doesn't take advantage of a sweet boy like Haku."
Haku beamed up at the blue skinned man and nodded happily while Sasuke just stared at the trio and turned to face Naruto. "Is… this as fucked up as I think it is?"
"Yup!" Naruto agreed, nodding his head sagely. "Enjoy the therapy bills!"
"So, how did you two meet?" Kisame's voice could be heard asking as Sasuke immediately blushed.
"Oh, Zabuza-sama took a contract with this horrible man named Gatou in Wave and I ended up having to perforate Sasuke-kun because he was protecting our target… But he looked so cute in those little shorts of his, I couldn't bring myself to kill him, and when Gatou betrayed us…"
Sasuke whimpered softly and hung his head in shame as he trudged after the procession as his boyfriend proceeded to rip his dignity to shreds with praise of how cute he'd been.
A moment later, Gaara popped his head into the room and glanced from Naruto to the various girls then back down the hallway. "Did we miss something?"
"Nothing important." Naruto responded with a shake of his head. "Just the sordid details of the reasoning behind the Uchiha massacre, Haku's Uncle Kisame and Itachi returning to Konoha because obviously a gay Uchiha can't resurrect the clan."
"Ah…" Gaara paused a moment, rubbing his chin slightly in thought, before shrugging a bit. "Have fun then."
It was that instant that Jiraiya appeared, his eyes hard and he glanced around, warily. "Did you by any chance see…?"
"Sasuke's older brother Itachi and a blue skinned guy named Kisame that looks like a shark?" Ino supplied helpfully. "You just missed them walking off with Sasuke and Haku, heading for Konoha."
"… They just… left?" Jiraiya blinked, then blinked again as he lightly set the woman down and stared at his godson and the girls.
"Well, more than a just left," Hinata admitted. "It was more of a Itachi and Kisame showed up, we mentioned Sasuke's nickname, and Kisame HAD to know the story behind that."
"And then, after Ino-sama and Hinata-sama filled him in on that, Spanky himself showed up, and got caught by Kisame. Then Haku showed up, wanting to know why his Uncle Kisame was holding his boyfriend like that." Kin offered helpfully with a smile as she snuggled back into Naruto. "Then we learned some really juicy details about the Uchiha being a bunch of stupid traitors that Itachi had to get rid of to prevent a civil war that would lead to the end of Konoha."
"… I swear, days like this make me wonder why I didn't just go with Tsunade-hime." Jiraiya muttered softly as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ok, no more talking about village secrets." Pausing a moment, the white haired man turned his head and glanced from the silent Gaara to the snuggling Kin. "Congratulations, you two are stuck as Leaf Nin for the rest of your lives. Now, I need a drink."
Kin and Gaara blinked at moment at one another, before Gaara spoke the question on both their minds. "Is... that supposed to be a bad thing?"
"I think it was his way of politely saying that if you ever try to defect from the Leaf, he'll kill you." Ino noted with a slight stretch before curling back into Naruto's side. "What with the knowing of Leaf secrets and what not."
"Ah, ok." Gaara and Kin both nodded their heads in acceptance before Gaara shut the door and headed back to his room.
-o-o-o-
It was several weeks later that they found themselves sitting in a restaurant eating dinner with Jiraiya sighing slightly as he leaned back in his seat. "I forgot to factor in how expensive it would be to feed you two."
The two individuals in question raised their eyes, one blue, one green to the man, then shrugged in unison as they returned to devouring the food in front of them. From next to them, Sakura shook her head, palming her face as she couldn't help but stare. "Where do they put it all?"
"I put it in my Ramen seal." Naruto offered with an innocent smile as he looked over at Sakura.
"Ramen seal?" Jiraiya spoke up, staring slightly at the boy as he couldn't help but feel his lips twitch up slightly at the corners of his mouth.
"What did you think I thought it was until I knew better?" Naruto countered with a slight smirk on his lips as he shrugged then leaned back, pausing a moment. "Huh, I wonder if Iruka-sensei will still be able to walk when we get back."
"Your Academy instructor?" Jiraiya clarified lightly as he studied the nodding blonde boy, before Ino spoke up with a smirk.
"Where do you think Naruto-kun gets his tendency to get involved with beautiful girls from?" The Yamanaka smirked regally as she lightly snuggled more firmly up against Naruto's side.
"Well, technically Iruka-sensei got it from Naruto-kun, not the other way around." Hinata reminded the girl with a slight smile on her face.
"He's seeing both Anko-sensei and Kurenai-sensei." Ino declared flatly. "And they've set their sights on him making jonin. So, between that and their off hours activities? No, I doubt he'll be walking."
Jiraiya blinked, then blinked again as he turned his head to stare at his godson for a long moment before blinking. "So wait, you actually DID hook up your favorite teacher with two incredibly hot kunoichi?"
"I just put him on a blind date with Anko-chan." Naruto shrugged slightly as he leaned back, smirking slightly. "Then gave him a little bit of advice. He snagged Kurenai-sensei all on his own."
Jiraiya paused again, staring at Naruto for a long moment, before the sannin proceeded to bash his head against the table, repeatedly.
Almost immediately, an angry, feminine voice called out. "HEY! Keep it down over there, some of us are trying to drink in peace and quiet!"
Pausing a moment Jiraiya stared, blankly ahead, before groaning again and hitting his head, even louder against the table.
"Hey! I said...!" A blonde woman, with rather full assets in a grey top appeared in front of their table, her brown eyes smouldering angrily before she paused, and stared. "... Jiraiya?"
"Hello, Tsunade-hime." Jiraiya responded dryly as he caught his cheek in his palm and nodded to her. "Fancy meeting you here."
"What, did sensei manage to convince you to baby sit?" The woman practically sneered in her smirk as she glanced vaguely over the group with slightly alcohol glazed eyes.
"Nope, just playing client to an escort mission with my godson, his girl friend, his friend and said friend's girlfriend." Jiraiya responded with a shrug.
"... Godson...?" Tsunade blinked slightly as she peered at Gaara. "Huh, I thought he'd have Minato's hair, not Kushina's."
"Um, that's Gaara, not Naruto." Jiraiya cleared his throat slightly.
"... Can I give you to him so you're his god father instead?" Naruto offered hopefully, before shrugging under the slight look of exasperation Jiraiya sent him. "A guy's gotta try." Pausing a moment, Naruto studied the woman for a moment before shaking his head and letting out a longer sigh. "So, this the drunken loser that you've been looking for?"
"... Drunken... loser?" Tsunade's eye twitched slowly as she turned her attention fully onto Naruto, as she growled at the boy. "I'm one of the sannin you little brat! Show some respect!"
Jiraiya groaned, loudly and hung his head as he remained silent, waiting for the inevitable as he desperately looked for a waiter out of the corner of his eye.
Naruto snorted in response as he gave her a long, flat look. "Lady, all that means these days is that you're colossally screwed up in the head. Hell, from what I can tell, the most worthwhile one of you is him." The boy jerked his thumb at Jiraiya and gave her a flat look. "And considering how I feel about the guy that calls himself my god father, that's saying something."
"... Why you arrogant little..." Tsunade was practically blazing now as she glared at the boy. "I should..."
"Tsunade Senju. By order of the Hokage, Hiruzen Sarutobi, you are formally recalled to Konoha, and ordered to present yourself to the Hokage, immediately." Jiraiya interupted, immediately drawing the woman's attention back to him. "If you refuse this order, you will immediately be branded a missing nin."
Tsunade blinked, then stared, dumbfounded at her former teammate. "... What?"
Author's Noes: Yes, I know that Orochimaru was sealed by Itachi and burned. However, at the time of the order, Itachi was still officially a missing Nin. Just as I know he wasn't actually immortal, I just used that for a plot device, and fortunately, this is AU. And, as for not writing out what Jiraiya did... It really, REALLY needs to be censored in a comedy fic like this.
I could write it.... but it would kill off the humor for the rest of the story.
I was going to put something else in this, but I've rather completely forgotten what, ah well, maybe I'll remember later.