Chapter 5: I Can't Do That Anymore
Warning: Angsty feelings.
Thanks to my betas: zigpal and especially AshDawnSoulmates. She and I spent hours coming up with the right songs.
Disclaimer: BtVS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission. Song sung in this chapter by Faith Hill.
Though she didn't give this song a dedication, Buffy knew who she was sing this to. He was the first person she met when she arrived in Sunnydale. His love for her was sometimes what helped her to survive, then almost caused her to be destroyed. She learned early on that her friends had expectations of her – him especially.
She even grew to think that their dreams for her life were hers. They couldn't stand Angel having part of her heart, so they pushed her to have 'normal' relationships – even when they chose partners who had supernatural ties. The fact that Xander pushed her to chase after Riley when he proved to be a liability should have been the final straw.
Though the words were from a wife to her husband, Buffy still felt the sentiment applied to her and the Scoobies.
Cut my hair the way you wanted
Watched you become important
Quit my job to make our new home far away
Now you're Mr. Successful and I'm queen of the treadmill
Trying to stay the size you think that I should stay
I used to dream about what I would be
Last night I dreamed about a washing machine
It would have surprised the blonde Slayer to know that at least two – possibly three – members of her audience understood who she was singing this to. They saw how Xander had put Buffy on a pedestal, and how he punished her when she failed to live up to his expectations of her.
When Wes was in Sunnydale, he saw it. However, he was busy trying to get her to be a Council-worthy Slayer, so he didn't care about her personal drama. If he had his way, her friends would have been cut out of her life entirely. Now he wondered if that would have been such a bad thing. Sure, they helped her live longer, but if this was how she felt, was that truly a good thing?
I keep on giving
But I can't stop living
A woman needs a little something of her own
I like happy endings
I don't like depending
I keep right on pretending
But I can't do that anymore
Over the years she tried to conform to the demands of her friends, but she couldn't anymore. She needed to live for herself now. That didn't mean she wouldn't care for them or her sister; just that she would do it on her terms, not theirs. When she got back to the hotel that night, she would tell them.
Now you say I'm being silly
But you don't know me really
You never take the time to ask me how I feel
Somewhere down deep I know you really love me
But you can't see that what we have's not all I needed…{chorus}
Cordy almost snorted out loud. The first lines of the last verse really did sound like Dweeb-boy. She was ashamed to admit that she had brushed off the feelings of the other girl as well. But in her defense, she never claimed to be her friend – at least not back then. She might have to offer the proverbial olive branch. It was clear that Buffy needed somebody, and if the Scoobies weren't going to be there for her, the seer would.
You try to tell me I'm not being fair to you
But life's too short for a selfish attitude…{chorus}
Oz wondered if it was too late to be Buffy's friend. Would she forgive him for leaving? Or was she so desperate for somebody to care for her, that she wouldn't worry about the past? He would have to find out. He was willing to earn her trust back if necessary.
Taking a sip of water, Buffy prepared for the next song. She first heard it the night Giles left after Willow's memory spell. But she was thinking of another person tonight when she sang it.
A/N: Next…'Goodbye To You' by Michelle Branch.