A few days after the skydiving, I was getting antsy again. It seemed as though, if I didn't keep myself occupied, I started to remember, started to feel again. As silly as it sounded, I didn't want to feel. I wanted to run, to hide away from the pain I knew the memories would bring. Charlie and Renee never crossed my mind. If they did, I quickly thought about something else to do, something that would distract me. A lot of the time, that distraction was Edward.
We were so close now. We spent hours on end just talking. Our conversations would vary, and if you weren't alert every minute, could take a drastic turn. One minute we'd be talking about a movie and the next we'd be talking about the end of the world.
"I don't know why you think I can let you hear me." I muttered, as once again, we went over him trying to stretch my power. Or whatever he thought I had.
"Because I have heard you." Edward said, throwing his hands up in frustration.
"Well maybe you were just concentrating hard."
"I concentrate all the time! Usually on you, also." He sighed, fully exasperated.
"Well someone needs a hobby." I said. It was far too much fun to rile him up. Emmett and Jasper called him Eddie, or sent him nasty mental images. I created a battle of wits.
"I have hobbies," he growled, "I have plenty of hobbies."
"Name four." I retorted, crossing my arms and reclining on the couch. How did he not see I was purposefully winding him up? Edward counted them off on his fingers slowly.
"I play the piano," one of his slender fingers was extended. "I read, diligently," another of his fingers went up. "I compose music, and I listen to music, extensively." All four fingers were up. He raised his eyebrows too, his breathing slightly heavy. I could see his clenched jaw.
I focused on calming down, almost trying to make my mood move to him. He was far too easy to wind up.
"You're winding me up?" Edward asked, looking frustrated, amused and amazed all at once.
"You heard that?" I asked. That was definitely mind-reading. What had I been feeling? Calm? No – it was more than that. I had the feeling of wanting to spread the calm, spread my emotions to Edward. Only I wasn't spreading my emotions, I was spreading my thoughts.
I tried to replicate that feeling and began thinking about anything that popped into my head. Butterflies flew into my mind, pardoning the pun, and I began to think about all sorts of shapes and colours, types of moths and my vague memories of going to a butterfly conservatory.
.
I was running on the cobbled pavement, careful not to run too fast. I could see all sorts of plants around me, and the air was thick, heavy and wet. We were indoors, with the ceiling made entirely of glass. I could hear a running waterfall somewhere, and I could see a bridge. When I walked onto it I saw the stream, filled with catfish. They swam over to me eagerly, obviously used to people feeding them.
I gripped the hard wood carefully and climbed up slightly; I wanted a better look at the butterflies. I could hear birds all around, singing beautifully, and I knew that if we came back when it was dark there would be different kinds of birds singing and darting around the conservatory. A butterfly landed on me then. I had worn a bright yellow shirt, knowing that the butterflies would be attracted to it. I looked at it, watching it carefully open and close its wings.
"Bella, get down from there! I don't want you falling! The nearest hospital is miles away." Renee called. I turned, to see her smiling, but worried face, as she watched me on the bridge. She had a butterfly on her hair, and didn't know it. I smiled at her silly expression.
.
Edward was watching me curiously. He was frowning slightly – he had obviously seen the memory. And it was too late for me. I had seen Renee. Despite my apparently joyous attitude, I was not as peaceful as I claimed to be. My mother was an essential part of my life. She was – is, my best friend. And she was convinced I was dead.
I could never see her again, lest I be the cause of her death. The room appeared as though it were shaking, although I knew it was only me. I closed my eyes and tried to forget, tried to bring back that false sense of happiness, but I was too far gone.
Renee's face stuck with me like glue to paper and tearless sobs ripped themselves from my chest. I half expected Edward to wrap his strong arms around me and reassure me. I wanted him to tell me that everything was alright, that it would all be okay. No such presence, no such reassurance and comfort appeared. I heard the door to his room shut and the bolt lock. I curled up as tightly as I could, into a ball and continued sobbing. Not surprisingly, Jasper wrapped his arms around me, however he didn't stop the tirade of emotions pulsing through me.
"Stop it, please. Make me happy again." I pleaded as another memory washed over me; a failed cooking experiment Renee had tried. Something to do with gummy worms and chicken.
"No, you need this. By the extent of the emotions, I'd say this has been bottled for a very long time. You need to let them all go, need to feel them fully. The damage if you don't would be endangering to your mental health."
So instead he held me. I could hear murmuring upstairs; Edward was talking to someone. It didn't matter, not really. All I wanted was the pain to go away. The hole in my chest was aching so badly. I wanted my scatterbrained mother to try and hug me, to quote some wise words from a sci-fi or romance novel she'd read. It always seemed to help, even if it was funny. I smiled a little as I continued to recall, the happier memories hurting but helping a little.
Jasper's strong arms stayed firmly locked around me as he continued to share my emotions, share and understand. He was learning about me now, in a way that nobody in the family had yet. He was seeing Bella. The Bella I didn't want them to see. The one who regretted coming to Forks, the one who wished everything was normal, the one who almost hated Edward for stealing every part of normalcy from me. But she also did love her new family. She was comfortable and accepting, grateful and happy that she had eternity to spend with such varied and loving souls.
Some part of my mind wondered where everyone else was. The rest was trying to clear up the pain pulling at my chest. It took hours for the pain to subside. The dark night had been replaced with the beautiful orange-red spectrum of the dawn, so we had definitely been curled up on the floor together for a few hours, at least.
I was feeling better though. My breathing was normal, my eyes were still closed, as I let memory after memory wash over me. They didn't hurt as much anymore, just twinged a little. Renee, Charlie, my house in Phoenix, my old room in Forks, summers where I'd spent my time at the tide pools, watching the aquariums of fish.
Eventually I ended up feeling nothing, just calm. With my eyes closed and a feeling of peace around me, my brain not thinking about anything, I was as close to sleep as I could be. I opened my eyes and saw Jasper's calculating expression.
"See? That wasn't so hard." He smiled, his accent shining through. I chuckled weakly.
"For you maybe." I said. I leaned forward and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Alice is very lucky to have such a caring husband Jasper. Thank you."
He smiled lopsidedly and tipped an imaginary hat.
"My pleasure ma'am. I'm just glad I can help such a strong lady. I'm honoured to call you my sister." He said as he pulled us both into standing positions. He leaned forward and hugged me hard. "Don't wait too long to do that again, 'kay?"
I nodded gently. I looked towards the stairs, wondering how I was going to fix things with Edward now. Jasper pulled my chin up, indicating that I should just stay strong and 'go with my gut'. I nodded and started to walk up the stairs, running my hands through my hair anxiously. At Edward's door, Carlisle stood, his back to the wood, and his head in his hands as he talked mentally with his son. He looked at me and smiled softly, his eyebrows cocking slightly. I nodded to indicate I was okay and he wrapped his arms around me.
"Break down the door if you have to; I haven't been able to get an actual response for hours." Carlisle pulled away, a sorrowful look on his face. I smiled. It was possible that Jasper was toying with me, but I didn't think so – the smile was real. I was actually calm, and a little sad, and a lot happy. I just had to help Edward now.
"Edward?" I asked, knocking gingerly. I heard no movement. The lock did turn however, after a few minutes. I opened the door slowly, not really knowing what to expect.