Prologue
Dusk was looming, the red sun painted the gloomy lawn, sad. As sad as Chris was feeling. This time, every year, he dreamt of his death and the death of his little sisters. The death that goes on in his mind over and over again like a looping film on the big silver screen. He could still remember the feeling of her in his arms, the smell of her that last day she was with him.
"Mommy wants you inside." A soft manly voice said to his ears startled him. Chris just smiled in return. "You missed her don't you?" The man asked again as his hand touched his eleven years old son's right shoulder. "Your mother told me you remembered everything that had happened before."
Chris shook his head. "Not everything." He spoke. His voice a little horsed form crying and not talking to anyone the whole day. "Only those I have written about and those that comes in my dreams. I need to know, dad. I need to know. Was it my fault? Was it me who killed her?" He questioned his father in despair.
"Oh, Chris." Leo sighed as he pulled his son to his chest as he started sobbing again. "You didn't kill anyone. You did not kill your sister. It was all fated to be like that. You didn't kill anyone, son. No one blamed you except yourself." He said quietly to his son as Chris was still crying on his father's chest. "Come on now, your mother is worried about you." Leo cracked a smile at his son as he pulled away from Chris and wiped his son's tears with the pad of his thumb.
Chris's eyes were red and puffy from the crying as he walked in the door to the kitchen with his father. "Little baby had been crying again." Wyatt said in a sing-a-song voice. Chris's face crimsoned with embarrassment. "What is it this time? A pigeon died?" Wyatt quipped teasing his little brother further. Chris flushed face suddenly went white as his hands clasped on his head.
"You see Chris, power is everything." Fifteen years old Wyatt said as they sat in the back yard. "Look at that bird." He said pointing at a white pigeon. "I can kill that bird if I want to and I can leave it be to live its life." He smiled.
"Wyatt, Andy's here. Please don't do anything stupid in front of her. She is still a little baby." Chris said softly as Andrianne looked up to Chris as she heard her name being uttered. Chris just smiled at the little girl in his lap.
"Who died and make you dad?" Wyatt questioned his younger brother harshly. "Well, even Andy should know that life is not all happy and good." He continued as he waved his hand at the bird. The pure white bird was then soaked in its own blood as the head was decapitated. Andrianne screamed as she buried her face in Chris's shoulder and her arms wrapped around her brother tightly.
Chris just shook his head at his brother as he was hushing Andrianne's crying. "She's just a kid, Wyatt." He said before he went into the house quietly. "That was just a trick, princess. That was not real. Big brother was just playing, okay. Everything is fine."
"That's enough, Wyatt." Piper said as she went to Chris's side. "Those visions again?" She asked as she squatted beside Chris as her hand lay on the small of his back. Chris just nodded quietly. "What is it, Chris? Tell me what you saw." Piper coaxed, hoping that she could get some things out from Chris. Ever since he was eight, the very first day he had been having the dreams, he had been bottling up his felling to himself and shutting all others. Especially Wyatt.
Growing up merely one and a half years apart, Wyatt and Chris was more than brothers. They were each other's best friends and confidante. Wyatt was at the basement with Leo and Piper was in the attic with Chris cleaning up their house for Paige and Phoebe's family to move in with them after the renovation made. It was then he found a small lavender dress with a folded letter in it. A letter that he had not yet shown his mother or anyone else. The letter that he had a bad feeling about it. And the letter he himself has not read.
"Ma, do you believe in destiny?" Chris said suddenly as he sat at the dinner table facing Piper. Piper froze. Wyatt and Leo who was also at the table looked at him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." He said quietly.
"Wyatt, can you leave your brother with us for a moment please." Leo spoke suddenly, instructing his eldest son to go to his room until he is called. "Please. We need to have a word with your brother." He said gently.
"I'm fine dad. There is nothing to talk about." Chris said as he looked at Wyatt. "It's just these visions, sometimes they feel too real." He said. "The pain, the smell sometimes it feels like I am really there. But I got nothing more than cuts and bits of little picture from a complete picture. Nothing more."
"Chris, we need to talk. Your mother and I think you know something but you are not telling us. There is something you are hiding from us. So, Wyatt, we need to talk to Chris alone." Leo said as Wyatt sighed and stomped his feet up the stairs.
"There is nothing dad. Mom, please." Chris pleaded. "There is nothing to tell."
Piper sighed. "Not even about Andrianne? Your sister. I know you missed her. I know you remember her." She said. Chris was stunned to hear his mother's words. "I've seen how you care for her. I've seen how you love your sister. I have promised you we will be back together right? I tend to keep mine. But Chris, you can't keep bottling up your feeling. You can't hide forever."
"Mom, what if we are destined to die when we did? What if I could not be a good brother to her? It's different mom, it will never be the same." Chris said as tears streamed down his cheek.
Leo did not expect that Chris was feeling that way. That Chris would die in his arms again. The Andrianne would die in his. "It will be different Chris. Everything is. But everything is better. It will be better Chris. Trust me it will."
Chris shook his head. "Do you remember how much it hurts dad? How much it hurts when I die?" Chris asked. Leo just looked at him wanting him to say more. "It does not hurt as much because you know I was going to be born. But I don't. I don't know if she will be coming back. If she will be my Andrianne. I have already killed my sister once. I killed both my sisters. Please dad, I don't, I can't watch Andrianne suffer again. Not because of me."
"Christopher, you did not kill your sister. It was an accident. Andrianne died because of cancer. You did not do that to her. You cared for her more than any other brother could. More than we could. You've seen how she turned out. You cannot be carrying these weights with you all your life. It is not right. We are your parents. We are responsible for this." Piper said shaking her son.
Leo soothed her down a little as he took Chris by his arm. "Come with me. I want you to see something. Something that I don't think you remember." He said as gently he pulled his son out towards the lawn.
"Sometimes when you were not around and I missed you so very much, I will look up at the sky hoping that you are seeing the same star that I am seeing. Sitting at the very same spot as I am." Andrianne's soft voice was as if whispering in his ears.
"So you only missed me when you're here? Do don't miss me at home?" Chris questioned. "I forgot, you have Ryan." He teases Andrianne. She smiled but even he knows that Ryan is nothing more but a brother to her. Her protector, his friend.
Andrianne just sat down beside Chris as she leaned her head to his chest. "When I could not think of other thing to do, I write. I write everything on a piece of paper. Just one piece for one day. Everything. Then I stash it in my secret place, hoping one day someone might find it and feel the way that I feel."
Leo took out an aluminum flat box out from one of the lawn gnomes that they had had for almost twenty years. "The last night Andrianne was here, I saw her here. Burying this. I never had the chance or the reason to take it. But I know this is not meant for me. I saw it once though; it has your name on it." He said handing Chris the box. "I never forget the feel of lost I felt that day. It was the day that changed me. But I needed time. I don't know if you and Wyatt can forgive me for what you had been through, but I am really sorry for it. I'm trying to fix what I can."
Chris carefully opened the box. A few rolls of paper pregnant with a familiar writing. "How is it so simple for you and mom to forget Andy, to forget Lea?"He looked up questioning his father.
"We never forget. We just think of it as fate. If god ever wills it, we will meet them back someday." Leo answered him as he walked back towards the house. Chris trailed behind him. "Chris, Lea is not Andrianne. She is not the replacement of Andrianne. She's not a substitute." Leo said softly.
"I should have been there with her. I'm her big brother. I wasn't there. I left her alone. She died because I let her die. She died because of me." Chris said almost shouting at Leo.
Piper and Wyatt who was talking quickly rushed towards Chris and Leo. "Am I not Lea's brother too? Am I not equally responsible as you are?" Wyatt said as he neared Chris.
"It's different with you. It's has always been different." Chris said turning his head towards Wyatt. Holding in his anger, his frustration towards himself, his family and everything in-between.
"Why?" Wyatt asked. "Because I was one when Andrianne died? Or because I was with dad when Lea passed?" Wyatt questioned him.
"Because you never have gone through what I have. I lost both my sister. I held them in my arms. I felt their last breath. I felt their heart slowed and I had her blood all over me. Because, I let mom go, when I should have not. I let my sisters go when I should have been protecting them." Chris shouted as he fell to his knees. "Because, I remember. Make me forget. Just for a day. Make it go away. Make the guilt go." He begged. His eyes wild searching for a soul to help him.
"No one blames you for what had happened. No one gotten hurt by your action." Lea's deep soft voice echoed in Chris's ears. "Why do you have to burden yourself with worthless things all the time?" Often she asked him that question, but never once he had an answer for her.
At that moment he had the perfect answer for Lea, or so he thought. "Because I have to protect you and our family from getting hurt anymore." He whispered so softly that it was barely audible.
"Let me take him." Leo said to Piper. He carried his eleven years old son to his bed.
"I need to tell him something. Something to make him sleep better tonight." Piper said softly to Leo. Leo just laid his son down on his bed and kissed him good night. He turned and smiled at Wyatt then he escorted the elder son downstairs for dinner. "You might want to know this. Even your father has not known about it yet." Piper said as she wiped the left over tears on Chris's face. "I'm pregnant again. I'm sure this is Andrianne." She smiled as she took his hand and laid it on her stomach. "She needs her brother to be strong. A brother that can guide her and show her about life. She needs you Chris. I need you." She said as she kissed his forehead gently.
Chris mouth cracked into a sincere smile for the first time in many months. "Thank you mom." He said quietly. "I'm sorry for just now. I just need to tell someone. I had Lea and I lost her. I had no one." he spoke.
"You have me. Just tell me if you need to talk. About anything." Piper said. She stayed a while longer with her son until he finally fell asleep. The aluminum box was placed on his bed side table just in case.