5. Marshmallows

This was it. Merlin took a deep breath and tried not to jiggle impatiently on the spot as he looked out for Arthur. He had given Dragon the bucket of syrup and hopefully the worst of the cold would be gone now. And he had the turkey, which Dragon should appreciate. Arthur had been so close to him in the field… a warm blush crept its way over his face.

"Merlin?"

Merlin jumped and let out a small scream. His blush, rather than going away as he wished it would, deepened to a rosy red. "God – You appeared out of nowhere!"

Arthur laughed. "Yeah. Well I've got the marshmallows – where are we going? And why do you have a turkey?"

Merlin smiled. "Let's go visit Dragon."

Down in the cave Dragon was humming a Christmas tune, but he quickly stopped when he saw the two men and cleared his throat. "Hello Merlin and Arthur."

"Hello Dragon – how's your throat?"

"Good for keeping our agreement," he growled happily.

"Here Arthur, grab a stick."

"What?" Arthur raised an eyebrow in surprise as Merlin tossed him a long metal pole, before beginning to put marshmallows on his own. Arthur copied him.

"Might I ask why these sticks are so big?"

Merlin grinned. "Stand back. Dragon, the honour's all yours." They both moved to one side as the dragon opened his mouth and let out a scorching blast of flame. The marshmallows turned to ash and fell from the poles instantly. Merlin laughed, and Arthur joined in.

"Try again, this time a little less, um… fiery." Rather than being insulted, Dragon did as asked. After a few minutes, cheeks full of delicious marshmallows, Arthur asked, "How do you manage to breath out for so long?"

"Circular breathing," Dragon explained. He began to hum again, swaying slightly on the spot, almost as if dancing.

"Is he ok?" Arthur whispered to Merlin.

"Erm…" Merlin thought for a moment, and then his eyes widened. "Ah."

"What?"

"That bucket of cough and cold medicine… well I'm not an expert… there's a small chance it might have fermented slightly…"

"And become alcohol? You're kidding? You've got the Dragon drunk?" He burst out laughing, clutching his sides. Meanwhile, the Dragon appeared to be inhaling some of the helium from the large amount of balloons Merlin had magic'd there when he was drunk.

"Merry Christmas ever-ry-body!" Dragon said in a high voice, sending Arthur and Merlin into more fits of laughter. And then, totally unexpectedly, he began to sing 'All I Want For Christmas Is You', and even more unexpectedly, he sang it really, really well. If he turned his head away Merlin could almost believe Mariah Carey had somehow appeared in the cave. He laughed at first, it seemed so out of place, but his laughter quickly became forced as the lyrics took hold of his mind. He hoped Arthur hadn't notice the transition. I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know…Arthur's blond hair and sparkling eyes seemed all the more striking tonight. He was handsome; undeniably, powerfully, and totally charming, and at that moment he filled Merlin's whole world with his smiling face. He was barely aware that he had stopped laughing completely. …And I, I just want to keep on waiting, underneath the mistletoe…His feelings bubbled inside him, and formed a familiar pressure in his chest, like he would explode. Arthur had stopped laughing now, was just smiling, turning his head almost in slow motion to direct that smile at Merlin… Make my wish come true – all I want for Christmas is you…

"Well, it's Christmas tomorrow Merlin."

"Yes." A few more minutes passed. They ate their marshmallows silently as they listened to Dragon sing. …Oh baby, all I want for Christmas is you… Don't look at Arthur don't look at him don't…

"You alright Merlin? Dragon's singing is a bit… unusual isn't it?"

It didn't feel like there was any oxygen to reply with. "Yeah," he agreed, nodding. So there was oxygen after all. He just didn't seem to be able to use it.

"Well."

"Well." Dragon's song seemed to be lasting forever, or was time just moving more slowly? Neither of them spoke. Was Arthur offended with Merlin's silence? He wanted to speak, make himself feel less awkward, but he didn't trust his voice not to break.

"Well merry Christmas." Arthur stood up. Was he leaving? He stretched. Merlin panicked. No, he couldn't go now…

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know," Arthur admitted. Merlin waited for him to continue. He didn't.

"Dragon's singing isn't that bad."

There was a long pause. "That's not what's bothering me."

"Then what is?"

There was an even longer pause. "You are."

No…He didn't feel the same, he was going to let him down gently in the field but couldn't bring himself to do it and left quickly because Merlin was his friend…He wanted to let him know where he stood because he didn't want to upset him… Merlin choked back the tears and ran past Arthur and out of the cave.

"Merlin? Where are you going?" came Arthur's concerned voice, following him. Merlin barely heard.

Outside the first snowflakes were starting to fall, a perfect Christmas eve. Such a beautiful night didn't deserve such a wretched ending. His feet worked of their own accord, taking him somewhere, anywhere.

"Merlin!"

No, no…why did you have to speak? At least before I had hope… Merlin's throat burned with the tears he couldn't bear to show.

"MERLIN!"

The cold seeped in through his clothes, numbing his fingers and toes, but not his heart, leaving it mercilessly raw and burning.

"Merlin? Hey!"

He was slipping behind. Good. That meant Merlin was losing him. A tear sliced its way down his cheek as he realised his choice of phrasing… losing him…

"MERLIN! COME BACK!"

Merlin wanted to turn around and go back to Arthur, if only to be near him, but knew that do so would be fatal. If he wanted any sort of emotional stability in the future, he would put off this conversation forever, and fill the knowledge of its potential existence with a million trivialities.

"Merlin!"

Tears were blurring his vision into a large grey mass of nothing. He blinked them away, and saw that he was running into a large square, a fountain gurgling at its centre. Weary, he slowed to a walk, trying to breathe past the lump in his throat.

"Merlin…" Arthur was panting for breath after trying to run to catch up with him. "Merlin? What's wrong?" He put a hand on his shoulder but quickly withdrew it when Merlin flinched. "Merlin?" he whispered. "What's wrong?" he repeated. Slowly, Merlin turned around to face him, trying so hard not to cry he couldn't breathe.

"Speak to me." Snowflakes were collecting on Arthur's eyelashes. They looked so pretty Merlin wanted to smile despite himself. Arthur saw his lips twitch and smiled back.

"What the hell did you run off for?"

"You were…going to…"

"Say what was bothering me? Yes… and you just ran off!" Merlin didn't reply. Arthur gave a slightly hysterical laugh. "You really didn't want to hear me say it that badly? Well perhaps you were right…perhaps I ought to keep quiet…"

"Don't say it…" Merlin whispered. Arthur inhaled sharply and turned away for a moment, putting his hand on his forehead. Then he turned back again.

"I know how you feel, Merlin, but I still have to say it…"

Merlin held his breath. If he breathed he would break down right there. Ignorant of this, Arthur grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him up against the fountain.

"I love you, Merlin."