A/N: The reviews totally made me laugh out loud. It's a little out there, I know, but I like to think it's leading somewhere. And just to ease your fears, my endgame pairing probably won't leave you in tears.

Serena frantically tapped the button in the elevator. Dan had always smiled quizzically at the habit while trying to explain that elevators only had one speed, but she was nothing if not persistent.

She bounded into the dining room, quickly spotting her mother's tightly bound gold bun.

"Mom!" she called, carelessly throwing her clutch towards a nearby side table. Lily stood at her voice, preparing for Serena's excessive attention.

Serena threw her arms around her mother's neck, sinking into the comfort of cashmere and Chanel no. 5.

"You're late," Lilly chastised affectionately.

"I know. This whole work thing totally gets in the way of my social life." She finally let her eyes travel around the table. She wondered if pinching herself would be impolite.

"Hi Serena," Rufus said in his easy friendly manner.

Serena quickly constructed her socialite mask of calm and polite. "Hey guys."

Apparently the whole Humphrey clan was hungry. Jenny gave a small wave. Dan nodded at her awkwardly, his smile filled with self-derision. She was supposed to be angry at him, but couldn't stop a small smile at his charming nervousness.

Serena took the last seat left, which was between Chuck and Dan.

"Let's eat," her mother said with a smile that showed no signs of faltering. Immediately the serving staff took their cue.

Eric focused on his food, as if not sure where to look. Unbothered by the undercurrents, Jenny chatted happily to Lily. Dan and Rufus managed to pull the stoic Bart into guy talk. Chuck didn't bother to hide his disgusted fascination at the entire scenario. And Serena knew things were bad, because Dan didn't do guy talk and Bart didn't do Humphrey talk.

She leaned in closely to Chuck. "What is going on?" she demanded. Her current version of stability was reliant on the fact that she never have to see Dan, that Blair censor her minions so his name and his gorgeous Hollywood girlfriend's name was never heard, so that she never had to think of him or anything else that she use to want.

Chuck gave her a look so dark, she actually moved back. The look disappeared so fast she wasn't certain she hadn't imagined it. "Brooklyn Senior found Lily's sculptor and apparently security's just letting anyone in," he mocked dully.

Serena's face scrunched up, trying to imagine how this bizarreness could have happened. "Isn't it kind of inappropriate to invite my ex-boyfriend and her ex-whatever to a family dinner?"

"Inappropriate?" Chuck laughed humourlessly. "Yes I suppose it is, though it's only fair Lily's mistress gets to eat as well."

"I guess so," Serena said confusedly. She didn't want Rufus to starve or anything. But most of her attention was focused on the boy on her other side. He was making witty remarks, trying to take the attention away from how awkward this all was.

Their last break-up had been awful. Beyond awful. It was all I love you and that's still not enough to make me put up with your huge ball of crazy. He hadn't actually called her crazy, but she'd gotten use to translating the undertones of "flighty".

Bart excused himself before the final course, apparently having work to get back to. Serena felt bad for him. For an hour a day they sat down and ate and felt almost like something normal. And now even their pretend family time was ruined by the Humphreys.

At least Bart had an excuse to flee.

Dan leaned in, clearing his voice. "Sooo...How do I make this less awful? I get the feeling no amount of crème brûléeis going to take away that taste of braces-with-voice-breaking-zit-popping awkwardness."

"Um, less awful would be this dinner ending in a murder-suicide," she giggled.

"Damn, well I recommended Kool-Aid, but my father was kind of insistent about the whole wine thing."

"Social conventions," she sighed in faux annoyance. He grinned at her and she felt herself melt into his doe eyes. It almost felt normal, almost felt like he hadn't left her alone in her screwed up life.

But he had and he'd been right to. She was a mess and couldn't fix herself let alone a relationship. She went back to her food, noting that he was right about that too.

Crème brûlée didn't help.

She excused herself the minute it wouldn't be impolite, knowing her mother could entertain dinner guests for hours. Chuck smiled knowingly at her departure and Eric shot her a dirty look. She covertly poked her tongue out at them.

She found Bart poring over papers in his office. Unconcerned about disturbing him, she threw herself into the chair across from his desk.

Bart didn't raise his eyes from his files. Only one person had so little concern about giving him his private space.

"I can't believe you escaped and left your only son out there."

Bart gave her a miniscule smile. "I can't believe I left our guests alone with my son."

She laughed brightly. Bart making jokes for her was always a little thrilling.

Thrilling. It described a lot more. She was well aware of how wrong this thing between them was. Even thinking about it felt wrong.

Bart had gotten too close. This had been done before. The stepfather's role was meant to be background noise, a bit player at best. But Bart had wanted to get involved...So she'd acted out. It was meant to make him uncomfortable. Idle comments to make him think all sorts of things he hadn't wanted to, wasn't supposed to. It wasn't the first time. Poor Klaus couldn't even be in the same room as her without blushing. And Klaus had left. Left her and her brother and taken her mother. And when her mother had left Klaus, she and Eric wouldn't have even noticed except that for a brief time between partners their mother had forced them to eat breakfast.

For some reason making Bart uncomfortable hadn't been enough this time. Dan had dumped her for the third time, her friends were just starting college and she was... a disaster. And Bart had been there, all ridiculously straight posture and business-attired togetherness.

He was her antithesis.

And somehow, making Bart Bass tremble under her touch, fall apart at her finger tips...it was oddly satisfying.

Bart watched her with those ice-blue eyes. "It was rather ill-advised of your mother to invite them here."

"Yeah," she said, forcing herself to swallow.

His perfect features were as unreadable as ever. "I'm sorry you had to be around that Humphrey boy." It was probably meant to sound sympathetic, but he sounded the same as he always did.

"Me too," she said quietly, trying to convey more with her eyes. She was sorry she'd had to see the boy, who'd broken her heart again and again, sorry he'd had to see Rufus salivate over his wife, so sorry that her mother could never even see.

He stood up from his desk, coming around to her side. He brushed her hair back with a cool hand, before placing a chaste kiss on the crown of her head. "Want me to order you up some strawberries and chocolate dip?"

She gave him a brilliant smile. Strawberries always made her feel better and he knew that. "I think you know the answer to that," she replied, pleased that he cared enough to try and be just a little soft.

But even she wasn't screwed up enough to think being a poor stand-in for her mother was a safe way to feel better about herself.

XOXOXOXOXO

Chuck sat back down, shoving his cell phone in his pocket. He'd chosen the seat next to Brooklyn Junior. Humphrey turned wide brown eyes in his direction.

"So how's CUNY?" he asked, fixing a look of bland politeness on his face.

Dan pressed his lips together, eyeing him warily. "I wouldn't know, on account of the fact that I go to NYU."

Chuck smiled apologetically, letting his eyes rake dismissively over the other boy. "It really is a shame what's happened to our private institutions."

Lily stood offering to show the Humphreys her newest painting, some awful suprematist composition for the twenty-first century (like one hadn't been bad enough). Lilly, Rufus, and Jenny left. Chuck motioned with his eyes for Eric to follow. The youngest van der Woodsen shot him a questioning look, but disappeared down the hall with the others.

Dan moved to stand. "Well I'd like to say it's been a pleasure, but—"

"Sit down," Chuck hissed. Dan frowned, his lips opening to protest.

Chuck shoved Dan's chair forward as hard as he could from his position. The impact forced Dan's legs to buckle and he fell back on his seat.

"What the hell, man?"

Chuck leaned towards him, knowing his usual smirk was back in place and just a little bit of evil peeked through his gaze. He had never hated Brooklyn. You don't hate those lower than you. But somehow—and he'd stretched his imagination trying to understand the logistics—Brooklyn had moved above his station—he'd dated Serena. And for all of her many flaws Serena was an Upper East Side native, she had ruled the ruling class.

And she had been one of his closest friends—still was whenever it counted.

Then Brooklyn had moved against Blair, his girlfriend, Blair Waldorf. It was ridiculous. And, as if that wasn't enough to seal his fate, Dan had dumped Serena. Blair had given him every excruciating detail of how Dan had suddenly decided he was too important, too mature to deal with Serena's problems. So he'd broken up with her, the woman he hadn't even deserved to look at.

Then Serena had drank and spiralled, and somehow ended up screwing his father on his work desk.

And it all came back to Dan Humphrey.

"I'm only going to give you one warning. And you're lucky I'm bothering," he spat, voice laced with violence.

"Rest assured, I'm grateful."

How he despised this poor, poor excuse for a man—his goofy good guy exterior, thinly veiling his completely undeserved sense of supremacy.

Chuck decided to continue as if Humphrey hadn't spoken, "You don't come back here. If your father needs to make a booty call, you stay home. I don't care if you have to take the trash out for a week, or whatever your kind does for punishment. You come back here, if I even see you on the UES—you'll be finishing of your degree at community college and Little J will be walking through metal detectors to get to class."

"I haven't done anything," Dan argued reasonably.

"You existed. In the past, I let that slide because Serena was a powerful ally."

"She was my girlfriend."

Chuck wasn't sure why he had to explain this further. Because I said so sat on the edge of his tongue, but he didn't want to sound childish. "Was," he sighed. "But now you're nothing to no one who matters. And really I'm being kind; I could have just let Blair at you."

It was true. After four hours spent wiping Serena's tears and prying cocktails from her grasp, Blair had been prepared for war. When Humphrey had challenged her and messed around with Georgina, Blair had wanted his head on a fucking pike. And if Brooklyn didn't watch himself, she might just get her wish.

"Get out. I'll make your excuses to your father."

Chuck pulled out his cell phone, not waiting to see if Dan complied. He scrolled through his contact list for Blair, smiling when he heard the door slam.

Meet at 1812 in 20

-C

Blair wasn't currently talking to him, so he needed a little bait. He attached the photo he'd taken only ten minutes ago. In showed Serena in profile, Bart was pressing a tender kiss to her forehead, one hand stroking her hair.

Blair would come.