Wow, this chapter's really weird...
Yup, I was definately on crack while writing this.
The first chapter was only 2 pages long, so I tried to make this one longer...
And lo and behold, it's 7 pages long:)
Enjoy! xD
Monday
"WAKE UP MOTHAFUCKA'S! TODAY'S A NEW DAY FOR US NIGGS, FO'SHO!" an extremely loud voice shouted, vibrating through all the rooms. It was meant as a new alarm clock, and it worked about ten times better.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" Hidan cursed loudly, falling off his bed after nearly having a heart attack.
"Damn, I wasn't dreaming," Sasori mumbled, somehow mysteriously revived and in Hidan's bed.
"What the hell? Sasori, I thought you were dead, seriously," Hidan cried, astounded.
Sasori merely chuckled and stated nonchalantly, "The leader revived me."
"But Deidara told me that a pink-haired girl and your-"the religious man paused, trying not to laugh, "A pink-haired girl and your own grandma-"Hidan's contained laughter totally wasn't contained anymore, you know what I mean? Poor Sasori- Hidan was cracking up at the image he had conjured in his mind.
The puppet-master shook his head. Now that he was alive again, he would never be able to live it down.
"AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Whew, sorry man, I'm just ahahahAHAHAHAHA!!!" Hidan whooped, wheezing from laughing so much.
Sasori sighed and mentally slapped himself. I should've ran away from the leader the moment he revived me, instead of going back to the Akatsuki like a dumb idiot, he thought.
Suddenly, the door opened and in stepped Tobi, in his light blue pajamas. "It's breakfast time, Hidan!" he chirped cheerfully, and then noticing Sasori and Hidan together in the same bed. "Hidan, I didn't know you swung that way!" Tobi cried, actually disgusted.
Sasori and Hidan, completely confused, just stared at him like they were brainless chickens with their heads decapitated.
"What?" Sasori finally managed to ask. "What are you talking about?"
At this point of the conversation, Itachi and Kisame popped their heads through the doorway, wanting to see what in the world was taking so long for Tobi to ask Hidan to come to breakfast.
Then, they saw what Tobi was looking at.
"Wow, that's an interesting sight," Kisame described aloud.
Itachi, the emotionless prick he was, just stood there, speechless (not that he talks that much anyway).
Deidara and Kakuzu, having just finished their breakfast, spotted Tobi, Itachi, and Kisame huddled in front of an open doorway, frozen. Curious, they stuck a head in too, wondering what the hell they were looking at.
The first question that came to their minds, of course, was: Didn't Sasori die?
The second question was this: Wait… why are Tobi, Itachi, and Kisame staring at- HOLY JAMA LLAMA!
"You're gay? Hidan, I didn't know you swung that way!" Kakuzu exclaimed, remembering all the times Hidan had hit on females in bars and diners.
"Seriously guys, what the fuck are you talking-"Hidan stopped and turned to look at Sasori, who didn't have a shirt on, only a pair of blue plaid boxers. He looked down and realized he didn't have one on either, only a pair of black boxers just like Sasori. He fit the puzzle pieces together in his head and then came out with the wrong answer:
"HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed, horrified, and tossing a pillow at Sasori's head. "Did you rape me while I was sleeping?"
Sasori, who was innocently baffled, inquired angrily, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Hidan (who was unable to believe his ears) yelled loudly, "Don't act like you're so innocent! I'm pretty sure I wore a pair of pants before I went to bed last night!"
The redhead froze. He had worn a pair of pants last night, too. "So did I," he stated, confused.
"Huh? Then what the-"
"I took them off. I didn't want you two to wrinkle those expensive clothes!" the leader announced, suddenly appearing in the room.
"Holy shit! Are you serious?" Hidan screamed, his voice rising to the high pitch of a little girl's. Realizing this, he cleared his throat and recomposed himself. "I mean: WHY THE HELL DID YOU?" he bellowed, hurt by the lack of privacy he had in this organization.
The leader sighed and informed him, "I just told you that I didn't want you to wrinkle the expensive clothes." He repeated the last four words slowly, so that Hidan would finally get it in his head.
"Oh… but still- that's wrong, seriously!" he shouted back.
"Whatever. I don't have time to take care of immature brats like you, so hurry up and come down to breakfast. I baked it myself. Oh, and your food's probably ice-cold by now."
Sasori and Hidan stared at him. The leader actually cooked?
"Everyone else already ate but you two. We're waiting on you guys, so we can start up today's lesson on Hip-Hop," the leader stated.
"Oh, right, right," the two nodded, finally understanding, and stood up to put on some clothes.
"You guys are idiots," Kisame sneered, walking out the door. Everyone else followed behind.
"I will see you guys on the G.F.H. (A/N: Giant Freaky Hand)," the leader smiled, disappearing once again.
That was fucking weird… Hidan thought, shuddering. I wasn't dreaming after all. Wait, but what was Sasori doing in my bed, anyway?
"Sasori, why were you in my bed?" he asked casually.
"Well, I couldn't find mine, so I just went in yours. We're both men, after all," Sasori articulated calmly.
"What happened to your bed?" Hidan asked, puzzled.
"Well, when I was a puppet, I didn't really need a bed, so I never really had my own," he explained.
"Whatever," Hidan sighed, slipping a black fishnet shirt on, along with a pair of black pants.
Sasori just threw on a plain white T-shirt and a pair of black shorts. He somehow had the feeling they weren't going on their usual missions today, so he just wore some plain, comfortable clothes.
They padded to the kitchen (which they didn't even know they had; the leader must've built it overnight or something.) barefoot, looking around.
Somehow, the Akatsuki lair had almost completely changed overnight.
It used to just be a simple cave with rooms built in the walls with the giant freaky hand in the middle, but now it looked like a modern house. It also used to be really dark, so you could barely see the other person's body. Now, it was lit up with several beautiful, crystalline chandeliers.
There was a big kitchen on the right side of the Giant Freaky Hand, a long dining table on the left side. In front of the G.F.H., a couple of dark blue couches encircled a wooden coffee table. A big, wide-screen TV was in front of the arrangement.
"What the fuck happened?" Hidan breathed, glancing at the changed lair.
"Why the hell do you say 'fuck' all the time?" Sasori mumbled, getting tired of Hidan's constant cussing, although he himself swore, too.
"Why are you so curious all the time?" he mocked back, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
Sasori merely ignored him and continued walking to the kitchen.
Damn, the ceiling and the newly added furniture aren't the only things that changed. The entire floor of the fucking room is covered with a plushy white carpet. Wow, it's so soft… Hidan smiled, digging his toes into the soft carpet.
Wow, who knew Hidan had a carpet fetish?
Shut up, you stupid narrator! The silver-haired man shouted.
Err, whatever you say, little man! (Cough!) Carpet fetish! (Cough!)
Anyways, back to the story:
When Sasori and Hidan had finally arrived at the kitchen, they spotted two plates of perfectly-cooked eggs and two glasses of milk. They both grabbed a fork and dug into the eggs like a pair of starving, savage beasts!
Wow, men are such barbarians!
Sasori shook his head. He could've swore that he had just heard 'Wow, men are such barbarians!' echoing through the lair. He must've imagined it. He picked him his grease-covered plate, along with his empty cup, and dumped it into the sink.
Hidan, on the other hand, just left his silverware on the counter, and jumped up to the G.F.H., where the leader and the others were waiting. Sasori followed after him, but discovered that Tobi was standing on his platform!
"This is my platform," Sasori informed the masked-man coldly.
"No, this is Tobi's platform now. He is a good boy!" Tobi exclaimed happily.
Sasori just glared at him. "You've got to be kidding me."
"Actually, the platform's both of yours. Sasori, you died, so Tobi took your position in the Akatsuki. However, since I revived you, I guess you guys will just have to share the platform," the leader shrugged.
Tobi was pleased with this. I get to share my platform with Sasori, the former Akatsuki member! What a great honor this is! He thought enthusiastically.
Sasori, on the other hand, did not feel as 'honored' as Tobi did.
"Now everyone, please pay attention!" the leader cried. "I presume everyone has brought some sheets of paper and a pen, or pencil, to take notes with?"
Sasori and Hidan looked at each other. They didn't hear about this.
"Sasori, Hidan, I'm assuming you two don't have your supplies with you?" the leader questioned, sighing.
"No sir," Sasori replied monotonously.
"Here, catch," the leader commanded, throwing them each a notepad and some pens, "And please don't forget next time."
The two nodded. They flicked the cap off of one of the pens, ready to write.
"Now, let's start with the vocabulary. The word 'With' must be pronounced like 'Wit'. 'Alright' must be mashed together into 'A'ight', and 'For sure' must be smashed together to form 'Fo'sho', got it?" the leader asked, the question sounding more like a sharp command than a query.
Everyone nodded, writing down on the notepad furiously.
"Okay then. 'What's up' can be said as any of the following: 'Whattap', 'Wassap', or simply 'Sup.'
"Instead of calling each other 'Friends', or 'Teammate,' we shall call each other these two words: 'Homie', 'Man', or 'Pimp.'
"The adjective 'My' will now be called 'Mah.'
"Of course, don't forget to call our lair, or home, a 'Crib.' For example: 'Hey man, wanna come ova' to mah' crib?'
"Oh, I forget to mention that any word that ends with 'er' will be changed to 'a', such as 'Over', or 'After'.
"Last but not least, any word that ends with 'ing' such as 'Feeling', will be changed to 'Feelin'. Just cut off the 'G' at the end- you just don't need it," the leader lectured.
Everyone let out a sigh of relief when they found out that the leader was done. Their hands were sore from taking notes, and their rear ends hurt from sitting on the fingers of the G.F.H.
"Shall we move on to our Walking Lesson?" the leader inquired enthusiastically.
The S-class criminals looked at each other. Huh? Walking lesson? They already knew how to walk!
"Oh, I know what you guys are thinking. However, it is not your average walk. It is the 'Nigg' walk. The Walking Lesson's going to be your first test, so be prepared!" the leader declared.
"What? We're taking a test already, yea?" Deidara cried, unpleasantly surprised.
"You guys will do fine, don't worry," the leader beamed. "Anyways, everyone watch me."
The Akatsuki members watched the leader with great interest. What kind of walk was it? Oh, the suspense!
Suddenly, the leader unzipped his cloak to reveal a red, baggy football jersey over a white T-shirt. Of course, he wore a pair of pants that perfectly matched the top, along with the sparkly 'bling'. He wore black basketball sneakers, and slapped a cap on top of his head.
He turned it backwards, leaned back very slightly first, and then shoved his heads in the pockets of his shorts. Then, he started walking.
It was like any other normal walk, except that he had his hands in his pockets and was leaning back. It seemed easy enough to do.
He stopped, and then stood up straight. "Who wants to go first?" he asked loudly.
"Ooh, Tobi does!" Tobi exclaimed, very excited.
"Okay, little man. Go ahead."
Tobi jumped down from the platform and copied the Leader. However, he didn't any pockets in the cloak so he was a little off.
The leader didn't mind, though. After all, he was pretty close.
"Good job, Tobi, good job!" he clapped, pleased with his student's valiant effort.
"Tobi's a good boy?" Well, you can guess who said that.
"Yes, Tobi is a good boy. Now, who's next?"
Hidan smirked. He was confident that he could do much better than that masked weirdo. He jumped down, stuck his hands in his pockets, and leaned back slightly. He managed it perfectly. Jashin was obviously blessing him today.
"Great job, Hidan!" the leader blurted out, impressed with Hidan's natural 'Gangsta' personality.
After Hidan came Kisame. He, unfortunately, did not do it very successfully. Samehada and Gravity seemed to be in love. It kept pulling him down whenever he leaned back. Frustrated, he tossed his sword aside, and tried again. It was better this time, but not perfect. Poor, poor fishy.
After Kisame came Itachi. The Uchiha, who had the Sharingan, was able to copy the walk extremely accurately.
Deidara, Kakuzu, and Sasori did the walk decently, just enough to pass the test.
"I am so proud of you guys!" the leader sniffed, wiping away a single tear. "Now, let's have a verbal test."
Everyone groaned- another test.
"The test is going to be like this: one of you guys come up to me, and we'll talk in the 'Nigg' language, got it?" the leader explained.
They nodded, and quickly took a peek at their notes, trying to cram all the information in before the exam.
"I shall go in alphabetical order! Therefore, the order is this: Deidara, Hidan, Itachi, Kakuzu, Kisame, Sasori, and Tobi."
"Damn, I'm first, yea," Deidara sighed, leaving his notes on the platform and leaping down onto the palm of the G.F.H.
"The test will begin right….now!" the leader announced.
"Yo, sup?" The blonde asked, feeling a little foolish.
"Nothing much, man. Wanna go hang in mah' crib?" the leader drawled.
"Uh, y-yea, sure b-b-brutha. Do you have any hot…err… s-sluts there?" Deidara stammered, trying to remember the correct vocabulary.
"Fo'sho! They're all waitin' fo' you."
"Um…okay?" he inquired, unsure of what to say.
"WRONG! You fail. Hidan, you're up next," the leader sighed.
"Dammit," Deidara slumped, hopping back onto his platform. This stuff was hard!
"Alright, here we go," the leader said. "Wattap man?"
"It's a'ight, it's a'ight. What 'bout you, dawg?" Hidan asked, mentally slapping himself. Where the fuck did 'dawg' come from? He thought, feeling like a total idiot.
"Nothin' much. Just hanging with mah' bitches, ya' get what I'm sayin'?"
Hidan paused. Now what do I say? He closed his eyes, and slowly replied, "I bet those hoes are sizzlin'." Shit, I totally made a fool of myself!
The leader, genuinely surprised, merely smiled. He's catching on quick. "Fo'sho, homie! Here comes one of 'em." He pointed behind Hidan.
Hidan, catching on the game, turned around. "Whoo, look at that ass, man!"
"Fuck, that's one hot mama."
"Damn, I'd love to grind wit' her, you get what I'm sayin'?" Hidan was enjoying this. Why had he never talked like this before?
"End of test," the leader proclaimed. "Hidan, you get a perfect score. You're a natural."
"Seriously? Hidan asked, astounded. He was a natural? He felt deeply honored, as if Jashin had personally chosen him to be his assistant or something.
"Next is… Itachi!"
Itachi rolled his eyes discreetly. This was so foolish. Nonetheless, he jumped down in front of the leader.
"Ready, Itachi?" the leader inquired.
"Yes."
The leader was very curious to see how the stoic Uchiha would do. Somehow, he had a feeling it was going to be really weird to see the emotionless shinobi talking like a gangster.
"Sup man?" Itachi asked monotonously.
"Sup. So, 'bout that concert last night… don't you think those ladies were hot?"
"Yea, they were sizzlin'." He replied coldly.
The leader contained his laughter with much difficulty. It wasn't that Itachi was doing bad, but… I mean, you know. It was just very…unusual to see him talking like a pimp.
"Man, you're such a pimp. You had those ladies hangin' all ova' you!"
The Uchiha froze. What? Did the leader just say that the ladies were hanging all over him? And what the hell was a pimp?
"What do you think I am? A whore?" Itachi hissed angrily, taking this far too seriously.
"Well, technically a pimp does mean 'man-whore'," the leader said lightly, not understanding why Itachi was angry all of a sudden.
Itachi activated his Mangekyou Sharingan on the leader.
The leader (who had stupidly let his guard down while teaching), had fallen into the genjutsu easily. "Where the hell am I?" he asked, looking around at the red and gray-colored world. Suddenly, he saw himself getting his hair shaved off. "No, my beautiful hair!" he screamed, tears streaming down his face.
"71 Hours, 59 Minutes, and 59 Seconds left," echoed Itachi's voice.
Meanwhile, outside of Itachi's mental world stood the rest of the Akatsuki, wondering what in the world was going on.
About 2 minutes later, the leader started foaming at the mouth. A second after, he passed out.
"Itachi, did you just-" Kisame started to say.
"Yes," the Uchiha stated coldly.
Hidan and Kakuzu carried the knocked-out leader to the living room and left him on the couch. The lesson was over for today.
AkatsukiAddict: Man, I worked really, really hard on that chapter!
Reader: Doesn't seem like it.
AkatsukiAddict: What? Seriously?
Reader: You know what? I'm not even going to review for this chapter!
AkatsukiAddict: NoooOOOOoooooOOooo! Sweet mother of bananas! T.T
Moral of the conversation: Please review.
You guys have no idea how happy it makes me whenever I see a review for this... :)