Wow, I haven't updated in almost a week. O.o
Anyways, this chapter is probably even more messed up than the last one...
I had more crack... T.T
Anyways, enjoy! xD
Tuesday
"WAKE UP MOTHAFUCKA'S! TODAY'S A NEW DAY FOR US NIGGS, FO'SHO!" bellowed the Akatsuki's new alarm clock.
"Sweet mother of bananas!" cried Kisame, falling off the bed. Damn, that stupid new alarm clock rung again. Hopefully the leader would snap out of his 'Hip-Hop' mode and get back to normal- whatever 'normal' for the Akatsuki was, anyway.
He dragged himself to the bathroom and flipped the bathroom light on. Man, he was unbelievably tired.
He squirted some blue toothpaste on his toothbrush and started scrubbing his shark-like teeth, which were covered with shiny, diamond-encrusted silver grills. He spat in the sink and rinsed his mouth with cold water.
Smiling at himself in the mirror, he talked to himself, "Wow, I look sexy today. Fo' sho."
He froze. Did he just say 'Fo'sho'? Oh crap; the leader's 'Hip-Hop' mode was seriously getting to him. He mentally slapped himself and washed his face, hoping the cold water would bring him back to his fishy senses. Wiping his wet face off on the towel, he took out the hair gel and spiked his blue hair to perfection.
"Whew, I sure look fine," he mumbled cheerfully, walking back into his room. He stripped and slipped on a pair of black pants. Pausing to glance in the mirror, he stared at himself in awe.
"Man, I'm so smexy," he sighed, gazing lovingly at his six-pack.
Wow, what a conceited fish!
Kisame suddenly turned around. He was almost positive that he heard: "Wow, what a conceited fish!" echoing throughout the room. He shrugged- maybe it was his imagination.
He wormed (even though he's a fish. Haha, get it? Uhh… never mind) into a fresh blue T-shirt and stepped into his Special Akatsuki Shoes (S.A.S.).
He yawned loudly and jogged to the kitchen, famished.
"Morning," Itachi greeted emotionlessly.
"Morning, Itachi," Kisame chirped back. "You're looking smexy today."
The two men froze. What did Kisame just say?
Kisame, not realizing what had slipped out of his mouth, was horrified. He was saying it to himself, not to Itachi, but it obviously seemed that way.
"What the schnitzel?" Itachi gaped, actually shocked for once in his life.
"Ach, Verzeihung, gnadige Frau!" Kisame exclaimed, suddenly speaking in German.
Itachi, being the weird genius he was, knew German for some random reason. Why the hell did he just say 'Oh, pardon, Madam'? Itachi wondered.
"Um… DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!" the fish-man shouted violently, unable to speak anything but German.
Itachi slowly backed away. He turned around impulsively, and ran.
Kisame, who was completely confused, started walking behind.
The Uchiha had finally made it safe in the kitchen, where all the other Akatsuki members were standing, holding their plates in one hand and eating with the other.
They looked at him curiously, wondering why the hell the usually stoic man was panting heavily, like he had just been running for his life.
Kisame, who had finally caught up to him asked, "Wie geht es Ihnen?"
"Ah, get away from me!" Itachi shouted, taking out a kunai from his pocket, "I heard what you said before!"
"Es tut mir leid," Kisame apologized. He didn't understand why Itachi was so afraid. He just yelled, 'DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN!' which just meant, 'YOU NEED A SICK SISTER!' Or at least, that's what he thought it had meant.
"I don't taste like schnitzels! Go away!" Itachi yelled, cowering behind a very confused Sasori.
"Wie geht es Ihnen?" Kisame asked again, trying to start up a peaceful conversation. He had just questioned: 'How are you?'
Itachi, finally realizing that he had misunderstood, calmed down. He recomposed himself and replied coldly, "Danke, gut. Und Ihnen?" It meant: Fine, thanks. And you?
"What language are you guys speaking?" Hidan inquired, raising an eyebrow.
"German," Itachi answered calmly.
"And since when do you guys speak that fucking language?" he questioned, a little freaked out.
"Ich-" Kisame started to explain, but Itachi had interrupted rudely.
"I had studied German as a hobby when I was young. Kisame, on the other hand, just started speaking it."
"Itachi, are you feeling okay? You're acting weirder than usual, seriously," he stated, starting to feel sorry for the Uchiha.
"No, I'm not feeling like myself today," Itachi admitted.
"You totally freaked out like a little girl, yea," Deidara snickered.
"Shut up or I'll slit your throat," Itachi threated angrily.
He obeyed, frightened.
Kisame sighed and grabbed a plate of toast and sausages off the counter. He wolfed it down in five seconds flat. Itachi, in contrast, delicately took the plate and ate it daintily with a fork.
"…This is delicious," he admitted quietly after he finished.
"It is," Kisame agreed.
"What the-! Kisame, you just stopped speaking in German, yea!" Deidara exclaimed.
"What? Huh? Oh yea, I did!" The Fishy grinned sheepishly back. The strange German curse was broken!
"Guys, I don't think we're acting Out Of Character enough," Sasori suddenly stated randomly.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Hidan questioned, raising his eyebrow. Kisame and Deidara stared curiously along with Hidan.
The puppet master cleared his throat. "Never mind."
"You're fucking weird sometimes, seriously."
Sasori accidentally thought aloud and yelled, "OH YEA? HAHAHAHA, AS IF YOU'RE NOT A WEIRD PERSON YOURSELF YOU DELICIOUS, SCRUMPTIOUS PIECE OF CHICKEN!"
Now everyone was staring. What the gay raisin had just happened?
"Oh shit, I just said that aloud didn't I?" he asked, horrified.
They nodded.
"Damnation!" he cursed, slapping himself several times.
"Why are you slapping yourself?" Tobi asked, baffled.
Sasori laughed like a maniac and replied, "Because I've just gone nuts, that's why!"
"Sasori-danna, I think you need to go lie down," Deidara told him, slightly worried about his former partner.
"Hah, as if lying down would cure my insanity!" Sasori scoffed.
"Damn, he's seriously gone mad," Kakuzu muttered under his breath.
"SWEET CANDY CANES, WHAT THE BAZOOKA DID YOU JUST SAY?" You all can guess who said that.
"Why are you talking like that?" Kisame questioned.
Sasori cleared his throat. "I don't know. It's fun," he explained monotonously, back to normal all of a sudden.
The Akatsuki members, who were very freaked out, stepped back slowly from the redhead.
This was when the leader popped in out of nowhere and cried, "We're going on a field trip, children!"
"What the hell?" Hidan cried, astonished. Was everyone losing their minds? First, it was the leader. Then, Itachi came running into the kitchen a mere thirty minutes ago, panting and yelling like a frightened little boy. It seemed that Itachi and Kisame both went mad at the same time or something, because Kisame shouted something back at Itachi in German, and the Uchiha started bellowing back at in that guttural language, too. Now, it was Sasori who had gone to the crazy side. Who was to be next?
"Now don't be so grumpy, Hidan! This field trip for you guys is a reward for your hard work and dedication!" the leader smiled.
"…You've got to be shittin' me," Hidan stared, appalled. What did the leader think they were- little kids or something?
"Shut up Hidan. Everyone go change, make sure your grills are nice and shiny, and meet me back here, okay?"
The religious man sighed tiredly. What the fuck was going on in this organization?
He slowly walked back to his room, filled with doubt and confusion. He washed his grills, changed into his Hip-Hop uniform, and slapped a cap on backwards. He glanced at himself in the mirror and frowned. He looked so… weird.
He grabbed his rosary beads and gingerly placed them in the pocket of his hoodie. At least Jashin still loved him.
Exiting his room, he examined the other people. It was then that he realized that someone was missing.
"Kakuzu, didn't we used to have like, a girl in this organization?" he asked his teammate, thinking of the blue-haired lady with the flower on her hat.
"Yea, she quit," Kakuzu replied coolly.
"Why?"
"Ever since she heard the leader was getting into the 'Hip-Hop' thing, she announced that it was 'very degrading to women' and that 'men will always be inferior.'"
"…Wow," Hidan raised an eyebrow. That was so like her. She always accused the other Akatsuki members of being sexist whenever they paid a prostitute to sleep with them. When Hidan had asked her why it was sexist, she merely slapped him and stomped angrily back to her dorm, slapping the door loudly behind.
"Hey y'all!" the leader yelled, grabbing everyone's attention. "I'll be talkin' like a real thug from now on, so y'all can learn faster, a'ight?"
"Holy shit," Hidan muttered under his breath. The leader was going to be talking like that every single fucking day? Damn, this sucked ass.
"In exchange, y'all gotta talk like me, too, you get me?"
Double damn.
"Are you kidding?" Sasori questioned monotonously.
"Nah man, course not. Does it look like I'm playin'?" the leader smirked.
"No, but-"Sasori started to say, but the leader interrupted: "Man, listen to me or I'll bust yo lip."
The puppet master clamped his mouth shut and rolled his eyes discreetly.
"Anyway, let's go homies!" the leader commanded, jumping quickly out the cave and hopping onto a tree branch. Everyone else followed, leaping from tree to tree.
"Wait, where are we going?" Kisame inquired curiously.
"We're goin' to Nigga City, foo'. It's hidden near Suna, in the desert," the leader explained.
"I've never heard of 'Nigga City' before," Itachi stated calmly.
"Of course you haven't. I'm the only one who knows it, dawg," the leader drawled.
"…" Itachi just gave him a look, and then shrugged.
"Yo, it's here!" the leader announced, halting to a stop.
Everyone else paused and looked around. Where was it?
The leader concentrated some chakra onto his right hand and chanted some archaic spells that probably not even the frightening Orochimaru knew. A green portal suddenly opened, and the leader stepped in.
The others entered the vortex cautiously. Reaching the other side- or other dimension- they froze and stared. They had arrived in some kind of crazy bar. There were girls in scraps of clothing doing some kind of freak dance with other guys, or in some cases, other girls. It appeared that they were grinding each other.
"Holy shit, what the fuck is this place?" Hidan gaped, appalled.
"Hidan… I'm scared, yea," Deidara whimpered, his eyes instantly widening upon seeing one girl bend over in front of a boy, her butt right in front of his…
…sweet mother of bananas.
"Welcome to New York, children!" the leader smiled. "Y'all are now in my club, a.k.a. the 20/20 Club."
"Leader, what kind of hellhole is this?" Hidan asked, dumbfounded.
"Don't call me 'leader'. It sounds so… archaic. My real name is 'Jay-Z', y'all get me?"
The frightened shinobi stared at him. Jay-Z? Who the fudge was that?
-To be continued-
DUN DUN DUN!!!
The leader is really Jay-Z? HOLY JAMA LLAMA, WHAT THE FUDGE?!?
(coughs)
Please review:)
And for my reviewers... you guys ROCK, seriously. I love you guys so much. :D