Whew, I'm beat. I was writing this chapter without taking any breaks.
It was pretty fun, actually.
Once I get into it, I enjoy coming up with strange ideas for this story…
Anyways, enough with my blabber. Read, please. :)
Tuesday Part II
Kakuzu coughed, attempting to break the awkward silence.
Hidan, understanding his partner's motive, joined in by placing his right hand on top of his left hand and bending his thumbs up and down, resembling an 'awkward turtle.' It worked, and the irritating peace was broken.
"What the hell is that supposed to resemble?" Kisame questioned curiously.
Hidan, smirking at the fish's lack of intelligence, merely retorted back, "An awkward turtle, dumbass."
"I see…" Kisame murmured, nodding.
Itachi cleared his throat and said, "Hidan, you can be so childish sometimes."
Hidan, completely outraged by this insult, yelled, "WELL, AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' PANSY LIKE YOU DO, YOU MOTHER FU-"
"Language, Hidan, language!" Sasori sighed impatiently, cutting into Hidan's tirade. "I think you seriously need anger management, or a therapist."
"A therapist? I don't need no fuckin-"
"Yea, you do," he interrupted again. "And it might help if you substitute the word 'fudge' instead of 'fuck'."
"Fine, fine. Will that make you shut about the way I talk?" Hidan asked irritably.
"Yes."
"Okay then. As I was saying: ITACHI, YOU MOTHER FUDGER! YOU FUDGIN' DUMBFUDGE! FUDGE YOU, YOU HEAR ME?? FUDGE YOU!!!" Hidan bellowed into Itachi's face, feeling slightly foolish. He felt like he was ranting about chocolate instead of trying to curse at his teammate.
Wiping off Hidan's offending spit which had landed on his face during the angry outburst, he calmly stated, "I am only speaking the truth."
Deidara, who was in a very bad mood because several drunk men had come up to him-thinking that he was a girl-and asking him out, screamed, "HIDAN, ITACHI- KINDLY SHUT UP BEFORE I SHOVE SOME CLAY DOWN YOUR THROATS AND BLOW THEM UP, YEA!"
"You and what army, bitch?" Hidan spat.
Sasori, who was fed up with the pointless argument, knocked them out by banging their hands together. He sighed and smiled. Peace at last, he thought happily.
"That was completely unnecessary," Itachi uttered, glancing down at Hidan and Deidara, who were unconscious.
Sasori sighed again and swiftly knocked the Uchiha out, too.
"Does anyone else have something to say?" he questioned coldly.
The others shook their heads, shocked by the puppet master's sudden act of violence. Usually, Sasori only fought when he was in danger or in an actual match- not when people were merely annoying him.
"Dawgs, anyone up fo' some drinks?" Jay-Z inquired, holding up a tray of orange Martinis.
"Sure," Kisame and Kakuzu said, shrugging their shoulders and grabbing some off the tray.
"Jay-Z, can I get out of here? This loud noise is giving me a headache," Sasori groaned, rubbing his temples.
"Go fo' it, dawg," Jay-Z drawled.
Sasori made his way through the dancing crowd, trying to leave the horrendous place. However, a few girls in super short mini-skirts and tube tops blocked his way, smiling seductively.
"What's a good-looking man like you doing all by yourself in this place?" a blond girl asked, lowering her eyes and attempting to seduce him.
Sasori, staring at the numerous layers of eyeliner, eye-shadow, and mascara surrounding the rim of her eyes, merely gaped. It was as black and thick as the rims around Gaara's eyes.
"Bitch, get outta mah' way!" a brunette shouted, shoving the blonde aside. "Hi, my name's Katherine, but you can call me 'Kathy'," she smiled, leaning over to him and literally sticking her fake implants in front of his eyes.
Sasori, who was desperately trying not to rudely grimace in front of the scary, very disturbing skanks, averted his eyes to the floor.
"OH EM GEE, SLUTS!" a redheaded girl shrilled loudly, bumping the other two girls away. "He's a redhead, so he clearlylikes other redheads, duh!" she scoffed, flipping her hair.
"Um, I don't-"Sasori started to say, but the brunette interrupted: "Hey, don't listen to her. I know no guy can resist this," she smirked, pushing her abnormally huge boobs together and shoving him in front of the poor Akatsuki's member's face.
Sasori, who was now very frightened, started to back away, "Look, I really-"
He abruptly froze and stopped talking.
The blonde had flashed him.
Yes, she had taken off her skimpy top. What was even worse was that she didn't have a bra underneath.
So yes, ladies and gentlemen- unfortunate Sasori was getting the full frontal view.
Gaping in horror, he clamped his eyes shut. No, it was not because he was gay, but it would've been disturbing for any non-perverted man.
Well, he could've been gay. No one knows for sure. But the next situation definitely proved he wasn't gay, either.
"Eww, slut alert!" a high-pitched male voice shouted from behind Sasori.
The redhead opened his eyes and turned around. A group of handsome, muscled men were behind him. Some had tattoos, some had numerous piercings, and some even had eyeliner on themselves, like they were women.
"Don't worry babe, we'll save you," a guy with spiked blond hair assured Sasori, winking at him.
Sasori shuddered slightly and took a deep breath. It's just a dream, it's just a dream… he thought to himself over and over again.
A man with black hair and a lip ring slung his arm around Sasori's shoulder protectively.
Holy crap, Sasori thought, immediately stiffening. What the hell is he doing?
"Baby, we're here for you," the gay man breathed into his ear, his voice husky and deep.
Holy jama llama, holy jama llama, holy jama llama… he thought over and over again, now even more disturbed.
With his free arm, the guy took a key out of his pocket.
Puzzled, Sasori asked, "What's that key for?"
The man chuckled and replied, "For us, of course."
Sasori, not getting what the guy was implying, was joyous. A free hotel room? Everyone loves free stuff!
But, of course…'free' never actually means 'free'.
"I'm tired, so can we go up there now?" he asked, yawning.
The man laughed and grinned evilly. "Anything for you baby. But you gotta be on the bottom. I'm always on top."
Bottom? Like the bottom bunk bed or something? Sasori wondered, baffled. What is he talking about? So cryptic…
Poor Sasori. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.
The two men made their way up the stairs and into the hotel room.
Suddenly, something happened!
Well, of course something happened…uh, let me rephrase that:
Suddenly, something horrifying happed to Sasori! The most traumatic and shocking thing was going to hit him! Oh noez!
OH NOEZ!!!
(Cough.)
Sorry, moving on:
The perverted gay guy impulsively grabbed Sasori and pinned him down on the bed!
EW GROSS! DISGUSTING! REPULSIVE! HOW INAPPROPIATE!!!
Surprisingly, Sasori shouted something similar to what the narrator shouted:
"EW GROSS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??? THIS IS DISGUSTING, REPULSIVE, AND VERY INAPPROPIATE!" Sasori shouted and screamed, kicking the pervert in the nuts and throwing him off onto the floor.
"WHAT THE SCHNITZEL WAS THAT FOR???" The guy cried, in extreme pain while trying to stand back up, clutching his balls.
"WELL, WHAT THE GAY RAISIN WAS THAT FOR? YOU WERE TRYING TO RAPE ME, FUCKIN' SWEET MOTHER OF DANCING PENGUINS!" Sasori babbled stupidly, acting completely Out Of Character.
"WELL, I'M SORRY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GAY, LIKE ME!" the guy yelled back, giving Sasori the 'bird'.
"WELL, EXCUSE YOU!" Sasori huffed, stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind him. After that he started acting even more Out Of Character and started crying.
"I'm so alone," he whined. "I'm going to go cut myself even though I didn't even get raped!"
So, he ran to the nearest restroom and for some reason, had a razor perfect for cutting. Slice, slice, and slice away at his arm! Oh, how fun and joyful this is!
Anyways, after he had sliced and diced his arm away, he laughed like a maniac and started drinking his own blood, like a famished vampire!
No, not really.
He just walked out of the bathroom and started crying again like the fake Emo he was, yelling, "I WANT MY MAMA!"
Oh my. That's even worse than drinking blood…or is it?
Anyways, we shall leave Sasori to his temporary Emo state. Let's go back to what Hidan's doing.
x-H-I-D-A-N-x
Hidan opened his eyes, blinking from the bright light. He was in some kind of apartment.
Huh, that's weird, he thought, sitting up and observing his surroundings. His shirt was missing, but he had everything else on including his hat, pants, shoes, and bling.
Hearing footsteps, he leapt out of bed and got into his fighting stance. Maybe a crazy lunatic had kidnapped him while he was sleeping.
Unfortunately for him, he was right. In the 20/20 club, there was a mad serial killer running loose. Obsessed with chainsaws and any other tools of torture, he found his victims randomly and they went down, one by one.
Hidan was one of them.
But of course, he's immortal- so don't worry about him dying.
The confused religious man raised his eyebrows when he saw a big, burly man, who had a dark mask covering his entire face but his eyes, and was grasping a whirring chainsaw in his arms, coming toward him.
"What the fudge?" Hidan breathed, backing away slowly.
Cackling, the madman stomped loudly toward Hidan, grabbing a pair of scissors from a nearby table.
"Shit," Hidan cursed when he had backed into a corner. He was trapped.
"Don't worry, it won't take that long," the masked man sneered evilly.
Clutching the scissors in his hand, the man snapped it in half and used one of the blades to draw a long line across his right cheek.
"I've always hated pretty boys," he growled. "They were so conceited, so loved. But your face won't be so pretty after this," he laughed madly, drawing another line, this time on his forehead.
Well, this isn't so bad, Hidan thought. Just a few little cuts so far…
That was when the chainsaw started whirring again.
Oh shit, never mind.
Off went Hidan's left arm. Oh no!
Off went Hidan's right arm. Oh no again!
"Yay for blood!" the masked man cheered happily.
"Ahh, that fudgin' hurts!" Hidan swore loudly, grimacing in pain.
Pausing, the insane murdered looked at him oddly. "Wait- aren't you supposed to be like, screaming right now?"
"Uh, sure," Hidan shrugged. "Ohh, the pain, the pain," he cried, acting horribly.
"Oh yea?" the man cried, frustrated with Hidan's lack of panic. "I'll show you real pain!"
Turning off his chainsaw, he grabbed a bloody fork out of his pocket and stuck it in Hidan's eye! Ouch, that must've hurt.
"Mmm, pain. Jashin, this is for you! Accept my pain as an offering!" Hidan shouted, feeling the presence of his god. Instead of being in pain, he was in ecstacy, overwhelmed with happiness. Wow, it's amazing what religion can do for your soul!
Shaking with anger and frustration, the chainsaw man took out some nails and a hammer from his pocket. "WHY WON'T YOU SCREAM???" he roared irately, sticking a nail in Hidan's chest and pounding it in deeper with his hammer.
As more and more nails went in, the happier Hidan felt.
"YES, YES! I SEE YOU! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE, JASHIN, PLEASE STAY WITH ME!" Hidan exclaimed. The connection between him and Jashin was feeling stronger than it had ever felt before.
"NO, NO, NO! SCREAM WITH PAIN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???" the outraged chainsaw dude howled, now sticking pencils, pens, and scissors in Hidan's body. Then, he bashed Hidan's bloody body with a hammer, creating colorful bruises everywhere.
"YES, MORE, MORE! OH, YES! HARDER, YOU CALL THAT HAMMERING?? HARDER, HARDER!!!" Hidan screamed, sounding very wrong, if you know what I mean.
The neighbors, unable to fall asleep, had contacted the police not too long ago. The cops were there now, sirens blaring outside the building.
Busting through the door, the police officers ordered sternly, "Drop your weapons!"
The chainsaw man was mad, of course, so he just stared at them dumbly.
The police officer sighed and shot him without hesitation. After all, he was holding a bloody chainsaw and had a dark mask on. How much more suspicious could you get?
Anyways, after he fell, Hidan was now visible to the cops. Since the serial killer was standing right in front of him, his big frame was covering him completely. After he fell, the police gaped in horror.
Hidan had both of his arms chopped off, had nails, pens, pencils, and scissors wedged into his body, and was covered with various cuts and bruises.
"Oh my God," a female officer breathed, her eyes filling with tears.
Since the sudden pain had stopped, Hidan had stopped smiling and was now looking worn out and sad. Therefore, the police officers mistook his forlorn expression as a traumatized person instead of a person who was merely tired after his joyous reunion with his god.
Hidan, just now noticing the five officers standing in the doorway, let a tear trickle down his face.
"It's over," he breathed sadly.
The police officers, mistaking his statement 'It's over' as in, 'The torture is over', instead of 'My meeting with Jashin is over', started crying themselves. The poor, poor man, they had thought. Why hadn't we come here sooner?
"Someone, call the ambulance," a male officer cried, wiping away his tears and trying to regain his composure.
"Of course," the female cop nodded sorrowfully, typing in '911' and ordering an ambulance immediately.
The other cops ran up to Hidan and removed the pens, pencils, and scissors carefully, trying not to damage him anymore.
"Wait, if we pull them out, won't he lose even more blood?" one officer asked.
"Yea, but think about the lead and ink poisoning. That's worse," another officer answered wisely.
"Ahh, I see," he nodded, pulling out some more pens.
"Damn, that hurts," Hidan muttered, scowling.
"Think of a happy place," one of the cops suggested, taking pity on him.
"Do I look like I'm in fudgin' Kindergarten or something? Seriously, man."
The officer, who was puzzled with the term 'fudgin', frowned. Maybe the man was going mad from the torture and pain he had gone through.
Hearing loud sirens blaring outside, the police officers concluded that it was the ambulance. They carried Hidan carefully out the blood-stained apartment, and the medics wheeled a stretcher to them.
"Ouch, what the hell happened?" one of them questioned, astonished at the countless wounds Hidan had.
"Chainsaw lunatic," a cop replied shortly, unable to look at Hidan's mutated body any longer.
"Damn, that must've hurt," the medic whistled, examining his wounds while placing the stretcher into the van.
"Of course it didn't," another medic added sarcastically.
"Hahah, very funny," the previous medic glared back, sticking a needle, which had a thin tube attached to it, into Hidan's arm.
"Man, you PMSing or something?" he asked, placing an oxygen mask over Hidan's mouth.
"I'm not a girl. Geez, Dave, you at least know that much," the 'PMSing' man shot back, sticking another needle into Hidan's arm.
"Shut up, Mike. You know I'm smarter than you," Dave scoffed.
"Yea, right. Stop joking and shut up," Mike huffed.
Hidan, fed up with the irritating bickering, stated, "If you two don't shut up, I will rip out your vocal cords. That'll make you shut up."
Mike and Dave, shocked by this threat, said, "You know, I think you kinda deserved that torture."
"Ouch, you hurt my feelings," Hidan said sarcastically.
"Wait, aren't you supposed to be dead by now?" Dave asked, raising and eyebrow.
"I'm immortal," Hidan informed him calmly.
The two medics laughed at this and said, "Yea, and we're black."
They paused and looked at each other.
"Dave, we are black," Mike told his friend.
Dave glanced at his dark brown skin and said, "Crap, we are."
Hidan sighed. What retards.
After that conversation, the two medics kept quiet until the vehicle arrived in front of the hospital.
Some nurses and a doctor ran out of the building and helped wheel Hidan into the hospital.
"Damn, what happened to him?" the doctor asked while opening the door to the emergency room.
"Chainsaw lunatic."
"Ahh, I see."
"Where are you people taking me?" Hidan asked, no longer feeling any pain.
"The emergency room. We have to clean your wounds with alcohol and sterilize them, so they won't get any infections. Then, we have to stitch some of your cuts together, because of them are really deep. Afterwards, we have to take care of your arms. Well, actually…you don't have any arms. But you know what I mean," the doctor said.
Was that supposed to be a joke? And clean his wounds with alcohol? That stuff hurt more than actually receiving the wound itself!
"Guys, I don't need medical care. Do you have my arms with you?" Hidan asked.
"What? Don't be ridiculous! And yes, we have your arms with us," Mike replied, astounded. What a crazy man! Maybe the great amount of blood loss had affected his way of thinking.
"Where are they?" Hidan demanded.
"What?" Dave asked, confused.
"I'm talking about my arms, idiot. Where the hell are they?"
"They're right beside you," one of the nurses informed him quietly.
Hidan looked to his side, and sure enough, there they were.
He sat up, bit one of them, and stuck it between his legs. Then, he opened his mouth and clamped it on the other arm.
The stretcher stopped rolling because the doctor, nurses, and medics were gaping at him.
"Ew, what the hell are you doing?" Mike inquired, backing away.
Hidan, unable to reply because of his arm in his mouth, wriggled himself off the stretched and started hopping toward the exit with his arm between his legs.
"Catch him!" the doctor cried.
But everyone was too stunned to move. I mean, how often was it that you saw a chainsaw victim hopping away from the stretcher with an arm clamped between his teeth and legs?
By the time everyone was able to process what was going on, Hidan was long gone, hopping his way back to the 20/20 club. The hospital and the apartment weren't too far from it, and since it was very dark outside, not many people were out on the streets.
After all, there had been a warning on the news about a crazy serial killer being out on the loose.
x-H-O-T-E-L-x
When Hidan made it back to the hotel and Sasori had stopped being Emo, they found everyone else waiting for them patiently in the men's restroom.
"What the hell happened?" Kakuzu asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Ch-ahh-eehn Sa-ahh Keeh-ler," Hidan said, muffled by the arm in his mouth.
Kakuzu reached over and took the arm out of his jaws.
Hidan sighed and repeated, "Chainsaw killer. He tortured me and I escaped." He didn't like explaining the whole story, so he skipped the description and the part about the police and the hospital.
"Why are you so calm?" Itachi inquired monotonously.
"Why are youso calm?" Hidan mocked back.
"…never mind," he sighed, discreetly rolling his eyes.
"Hey guys, I know this is random, but haven't you noticed that we've all been acting more Out Of Character than we ever had, yea?" Deidara questioned.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Hidan scoffed.
"Well, I think everyone but you have," the blonde stated.
"Huh?" Hidan questioned, still baffled.
"Forget it."
"Hidan, want me to sew your arms back on for you?" Kakuzu asked.
"See? Kakuzu's acting totally Out Of Character right now, yea!" Deidara exclaimed.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kakuzu inquired.
"You never offer to sew anyone's limbs back on. We always have to beg you to, yea."
"Oh, yea. Well, I got tired of that, I guess," he stated.
Deidara shook his head. No one was themselves, except for maybe Hidan. But he was always crazy, even without being Out Of Character.
"Yo, wattap my homies?" Jay-Z asked, entering the bathroom. "Why you all in here?"
"We were waiting for you," Itachi replied coldly.
"I was dancin' with some bitches, ya hear me?"
"Bitches?" Kisame asked, puzzled. Why couldn't the leader just say 'girls' or 'women'?
"Straight up, G."
"What does the 'G' stand for?" Sasori asked, suddenly curious.
"Hey man, no questions, a'ight? Let's just go back to our crib."
No one had any objections, as they were just as tired as he was.
"We're not coming back here, right?" Sasori questioned, still slightly disturbed by the 'incident'.
"'Course we are, dawg. Don't be playin'!"
"Damn…" he swore under breath. Man, he hated this place.
"By the way, where are we anyway, yea?"
"New York City, fo'sho!" Jay-Z answered loudly before ripping a portal open and jumping in.
The other Akatsuki member shook their heads sadly before entering in themselves.
At this hip-hoppin' rate, they would never take over the world.
x-E-N-D-x
Hope you guys found that funny, or at least a little amusing... O.o
Please review- tell me what was funny, spazz out, laugh, add text faces, whatever.
Because it makes me very, very happy. :)