Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds

The alarm rang out unnecessarily the next morning, Penelope hadn't slept to be woken up, she'd spent the night in random bouts of tears after the first round of dreams plagued her with even more remembrance and errors.

She hauled herself out of the bed and went for a cold shower, realising when she was dressed and ready that she had too much time on her hands she decided to go to work early, fill up her time that way, distract herself. She skipped breakfast that morning, she wasn't hungry and she wasn't in the mood to be the eccentric Garcia anymore. She couldn't build that wall anymore and she didn't see a point.

Pulling into a space, she bit her lip, Derek was there and it was like some form of torture. Hurriedly she grabbed her bag and headed for elevator. Derek had seen her and frowned it was too early for her to be in, he watched her get out, her hair hung freely, and if he had to admit it, limply and her normal dress attire was missing. He didn't realise she owned anything remotely near drab. Again his heart yearned for her but his head held him back. All he knew was that he needed to talk to her, not hold back, but give her the ugly truth.

He raced after her and flew into the awaiting elevator with her, she looked down, left, anywhere but at Derek so after a couple of moments silent, the only noise being the elevator shaft he learnt across and stopped it altogether.

'What are you doing?' Penelope asked, her vibrancy and normal Penelope Garcia was only a slight hint.

'We need to talk.'

'Thought I'd royally screwed that chance.' She muttered under her breath, more to herself than him.

'How have been holding up Penelope?'

'Just fine.'

'That's bull shit and you know it.' Penelope turned to him shocked, stunned almost. 'You know you've been well off being Penelope Garcia for months.'

'Well getting shot does that.'

'Yeah, don't we all know it? It didn't just affect you. For months we've stood by, seeing as helping you failed us, that's all we could do after you drove the wedge between us all, making us 6 against 1... You know you've hurt a lot of people with your actions, with your little love fest.'

'Like it matters.' She snapped back and she could feel the lack of sleep now wrecking revenge.

'Like it matters?' Derek retorted in disbelief. 'Maybe we should've been more forceful but it's a 2 way thing. We don't know you anymore Garcia; you're not the same Penelope we love, far from it.' He said and pushed the button to restart the elevator and silence descended.

When the doors opened, Penelope stepped out. 'Seems one tiny piece of metal really does more than kill someone.' She said and stalked off to her office, leaving Derek to stand and stare at her words.

Penelope near enough sunk into her workload, praying it'd swallow her and be done with it. She didn't leave for food or drink she was too preoccupied, she just worked and roll round 5 she got up and left and headed for the nearest bar.

It wasn't just to forget about life, it was for courage so she could scrub the bloodstain that haunted her.

Sitting at the bar she really did wallow in self pity, she'd destroyed her life from the inside out. She was drinking strong, going through double vodka like there'd be no tomorrow and she couldn't care less. She looked over at the door and saw a new group of punters, except to this lot she ducked her head and ignored them, the team had just streamed in and they all looked ready for a break and a wind down.

For Hotch and Rossi that usually meant a scotch and a good chat, for JJ and Emily it usually meant tempting Reid with one extra drink and a dance and for Derek it always meant that he'd pick up another leggy female that could bend and flex. The whole idea tore her heart to shreds once more.

'Garcia?' She heard her name get called and didn't like the wariness to it, as though the person shouldn't really be calling out to her. She looked down the bar, and saw the Derek, he smiled somewhat awkwardly at her and she rose her glass before downing it, when she looked back she saw him gone and then he was next to her. 'Drowning your sorrows?'

'What's it to you?' She asked somewhat slurred and mumbled, and rattled the ice in the glass, the bar tender just refilled the glass for her.

'You're alone in a bar doing neat vodka, doesn't take a scientist. Why don't you come and join us?'

'Because that's not what they want and to be honest I need to go live my nightmare of a life and that involves cleaning.' She said and downed the drink without a flinch.

'Cleaning?' He said stopping her getting up. 'I don't understand?'

'What's there to understand Derek?' Penelope asked him, her eyes brimming and he saw them glistening in the light in the bar. 'I'm a screw up, I got myself shot, I lost what I had, so I better go face the music.'

'Baby you're confusing me.' He told her and he stood shocked, he'd let baby slip out and he knew it didn't feel wrong. 'Explain to me... please.'

'Call all those glasses there, not just a self pity party but my way of getting a front up to deal with my nightmares.' She said a tear fell so she released herself from his grasp. 'Live a good life Derek.' She told him and left the bar. Derek shook his head, something was bugging him. He turned and walked to the table.

'Drinks?'

'We have other issues.'

'Like?'

'Penelope.' Everyone sighed; they didn't want that worry, even though Hotch and Rossi's body language told him to continue, Emily, Reid and JJ's told them otherwise and made him uncomfortable. 'I know she's been a bit off course.'

'A bit.' Emily snorted.

'Okay well off course and out of line with the way she's spoken to us but I just found her at the bar downing neat vodka.' Derek watched Hotch run his hands over his face, he didn't want a relapse of Elle but it seemed they were heading for it. 'Problem is, she was being pretty cryptic with what she was doing.'

'Cryptic?' Rossi asked sitting forward.

'She told me that she's a screw up, got herself shot and lost what she had and now she was going to face the music.'

'Nothing cryptic there.'

Derek shook his head. 'She had at least 5 glasses in front of her, plus she must've been getting refills in one and she said it was a way to get a front up to deal with her nightmares... she said they weren't all for her pity party and then she said she had to live her nightmare and that involved cleaning.'

'Anything else?'

'I'm just worried, she told me to live a good life... what if she's going to do something stupid?'

'She won't.'

'I stopped the elevator earlier with her in it, as she got out she told me that a piece of metal does more than kill a person.'

'I think this calls for us to sort this mess out.'

'Hotch.' Emily started. 'You can't be for real; she's blanked up for the last couple of months and now because she's having a downer we all jump.'

'Em, he's right... she was shot...'

'Yeah and she went and had an EVAL and passed... so what she did was rude.'

'We all know how to pass an EVAL Prentiss.' Rossi told her point blank and she knew then he was right. 'I think you find our friend pushed us away because of everything Battle left her with.' He then headed out to the door, Derek closely followed, the others following in pursuit.

Penelope tried her hardest to scrub the marking away, but it wouldn't budge, no matter how hard she scrubbed the stain was there permanently so she scrubbed harder and her fingers were numb from holding the brush so hard but she couldn't care, she didn't care, her nails were broken and had splinters in she wanted the mark gone.

So she continued to stay there knelt, while she scrubbed, images of herself filled her mind, remembering the pain, the fear, the dread, the loss, the slow ebb of life as it fled her body from that bullet hole in her chest. The bullet might have not hit her heart but it'd truly affected it.

'Baby girl.' Derek called out as he entered the court yard and saw Penelope on her knees, desperately scrubbing as though her life depended on it. His heart broke, this was cleaning she was on about. 'Pen...'

It was then that all they heard as the angry scrubbing stopped was a painful sob ringing out.