Jinchuuriki Gathering

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Felix wanted rings, so we have TOE rings. But no cloaks/straw hats/nail polish. Because I'm not Konan to enforce a uniform. C'mon, who KNOWS she designed the outfit?

For YOUR amusement, the derivations of their names!

Sanbi- ita (board) Kame-tortoise. I suppose the board thing appealed to me by way of a surfboard. The tortoise thing hardly needs explanation.

Yonbi- iwa (rock) Hisoka: reticent, reserved. He seems like the Viking dwarf of an adventuring party. What can I say?

Gobi- Sugi (cedar) Takeshi (bamboo) I loved the earth allusions, and the contrast of plants.

Rokubi- Asafuka (shallow deep) Katsutoshi (to win cleverly). Asa is shallow, fuka is deep. The kid looked like he could swing both ways, and looked definitely like someone who had a brain in that pretty little head.

Sanchibi- Mizumaki (water) Akemi (sunrise) Because I was dying to name someone sunrise, and she's from the Waterfall Village.

Hachibi- Kuromori(black forest) 'Killer Bee' Kumakichi (fortunate bear). The black forest thing, I'll admit, is a low blow to his ego. Yum, chocolate. The bear…I thought of him as soon as I saw the name.

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"Tobi is so happy to be able to pour tea during break time because it is an honor, it is, and Tobi is so happy that his sempai is so much nicer than Deidara sempai. Not as pretty, but very nice to Tobi."

"Tobi," his sempai, Katsutoshi, said with false sweetness, "If you do not shut up, I shall strike you with a poisonous bubble, and your buttocks shall rot and fall off. Rather like a leper's."

"Tobi takes back what he said about sempai. Why does Tobi never get the nice sempai…?"

The partners had been assigned shortly before they left headquarters—Tobi and Katsutoshi to track down Deidara and Sasori, Killer Bee and Nii to trace Hidan and Kakuzu, Kame and Akemi to hunt Zetsu and Orochimaru, Hisoka and Takeshi to pursue the elusive leaders, and Naruto and Gaara to find Itachi and Kisame. The Leaf jinchuuriki had been adamant that he get to confront the bitchy brother of his best friend, and Gaara had been equally immovable in his insistence to watch over his royal blond bakaness.

Their orders had been clear—locate the teams. Tag them with tracker bugs (Naruto had been persuaded to seek Shino's help here) and return to regroup for a final attack. They would use the toe rings they'd been issued to locate each other. They all knew what had nearly happened to Gaara—how the Ichibi had been extracted. How, if they hadn't bonded already, he would've never reentered the boy's body upon his rebirth. If anyone had queries or concerns as to why Gaara wanted a demon in his body, no one was man enough (or, in the spirit of political correctness, woman enough) to voice them. They liked their genitals on their bodies, thankyouverymuch.

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"Let me outline the plan for you," Takeshi said to his partner, "You put the bugs on the bastards. I'll steal their belongings."

Hisoka stared at him in consternation. "Aye, that'd about work, except we dinnae know where these elusive leaders are or even what they be looking like! And then to get close enough to bug them is one thing, and leave aside the fact that stealing their stuff is entirely against me moral code and I will stop ye with force if I have to, you're bleedin' genius!"

"I try," Takeshi said, brushing past the redhead. Hisoka suddenly felt the irresistible urge to bang his head against something hard.

Naruto had assured them that no one was attacking anything until all the trackers had been planted and all the members had been accounted for. It was for this particular team that he'd said so, but there wasn't much reason to dally. Takeshi could track an ant in a forest, and Hisoka was no slouch himself. Between the two of them, and despite their incompatible methods of obtaining information (torture versus charm, naturally) they deduced that the leader was a male and had a female companion and that the duo was currently residing in a small off-the-beaten-track town near Iwagakure. Once they got to the town, tracking down a blue haired female with an obscene amount of peircings was as easy as pie.

Getting the bugs on them was considerably much harder, but they managed when they began to molest each other quite passionately one night. Takeshi kept a straight face until they'd retreated back to camp, and then doubled over laughing at the stricken expression on Hisoka's face.

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Akemi shot out a hand to stop her companion. The limb splayed across the pre teen's chest, and earned her a glare. "What?" Kame hissed.

"I think that's them," Akemi speculated.

"If it is, that's terribly convenient."

"I'll say," the mint greenette murmured, peering closely, "But looks like it's true. There's the snaky fellow…urgh, what a tongue…"

"I think it's rather sexy," Kame offered, "Especially with all that lovely dark hair."

"You're way too young for him anyway," Akemi scoffed.

"I am not!"

"You so are!"

Kame opened her mouth to continue the argument, but as a green tendril crept over her partner's shoulder and wrapped around her caramel throat, she decided to let the subject drop for the moment.

"Sanbi," she intoned, and the tortoise rose up within her immediately. She swiped aside the paralyzing tendril and threw the older, immobile female across her back and began to beat a retreat. Unfortunately, the plant—it was Zetsu, wasn't it? The bipolar man-eater—followed at a disquieting speed.

Orochimaru slithered to block her escape route, and yes, the man was sexy. Not that she'd tell it to his face, of course. No need to give the enemy a swollen head. Not in the figurative sense, in any case. (Ooh, innuendo and threath in one. Kame was good at this.)

Kame unsheathed the giant flower adorned pike from her back strap. "Eat this," she smirked, and lashed out against the dark haired bishie. He dodged it—almost, but he would hardly expect the shadow of the weapon to knock him off his feet and spin him into the under bush. In a deft motion, Kame let the tiny insects that had taken temporary residence on her body loose. They would find the Akatsuki, and stay on them.

A cold feeling snuck over the young female, and she glanced uneasily at her weapon. Her eyes widened as she realized the green flower was her downfall; the plant foe had somehow persuaded it to exude the sweet smelling toxin it held. And Kame didn't have her gas mask on.

"Well this fairly stinks," she whispered faintly to herself before the darkness fell over her. She could've sworn she heard the dark haired man laughing, but figured she had bigger things to worry about. Staying alive, for instance.

A last instinct kicked in, and she found the will to drag her right foot against the bark of the branch she was slumped on, igniting the mark on the brass band on her fourth toe.

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Nii felt uneasy. Despite the fact that she was now basically guaranteed revenge on the men that had attacked her, she was positively sick to her stomach. She suspected it had a lot to do with Killer Bee's rapping. But there was also a small part of her—you might call it woman's intuition, but she'd probably smack you for it—that suggested that plans rarely work out well.

"Hey there boo/ Whatcha up to?/ keep your eyes on the prize/ lets follow the guys!"

Nii rolled her eyes. She would rather work with her pain in the ass father than this idiot, but Naruto was smarter than he looked. He'd paired them up specifically because Yugito had the ability to keep a clear head (well, unless her honor was impugned or some such samurai shit) while Bee lost his cool over the stupidest things.

"Maybe you could keep the rapping down to a dull roar?" she suggested, "We'd rather not give away our position before we really need to."

"Righty-tighty."

Righty-tighty…? Kill me now, she prayed to her gods, but they kept mum. Well, at least it was only two words.

Hidan and Kakuzu set up camp out under the open skies of the prairie, and fell asleep arguing over whether 'fuck the motherfuckers' was a Jashin prayer or a prepositional phrase.

"Aren't they sweet?" Nii commented sarcastically. Her blood rushed loudly in her ears at the sight of them as the humiliation of being so spectacularly trounced came back to haunt her in full force. She began to shake with the force of her anger, and Killer Bee gripped her shoulder tightly.

"Calm down baby doll/ there's still time before we let loose/ wouldn't want to trip and fall/ just cuz you blew your fuse," he hummed quietly. She stilled, more from the charming lunacy of the words than from anything else. A quick nod and a whispered session between the partners sorted out their plan of combat, and they put it into action swiftly and silently.

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Gaara glanced at Naruto, who bared his teeth aggressively to show his readiness. Tracking down the Uchiha and his accomplice had been easy to the point of suspicious. And now they had to bug the bastards, who seemed to not want to sleep. The insects could find them themselves, but only if the target was within ten feet, at least. Naruto and Gaara were at fifty yards, and even that was pushing it.

The sand user's brain clicked, and the presence of an idea etched itself into his subtle smirk. Naruto picked up the clue, and raised an eyebrow. Gaara nodded to his sand gourd. "We put the insects in there, and the sand blows in on the breeze."

"Brilliant," Naruto whispered, and Gaara nearly grinned.

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Katsutoshi wondered what would be more painful—standing his idiot partner for god knows how much longer, or surrendering to the tender mercies of the sadistic Akatsuki they were stalking.

"Danna, art is fleeting, un! It's the moment of awe for beauty—if the beauty is always there for you to see, it's not so beautiful because it's commonplace, h'mm!"

"You're a stupid little brat, that's all you are. True art is eternal, and undying. It's in the sun and the rain, the sky and the earth. Without this art, there is no life."

Tobi wiped away a nostalgic tear from under his mask. "Tobi is to miss the times he was partaking in riveting discussions."

"Tobi is to shut up if he doesn't want to partake in the putting of my foot up his arse," Katsutoshi growled, but too softly for the man to hear. He'd learnt quickly that Tobi cried. A lot.

"The best way is to blow them up, un!"

"The best way is to skin them alive. Much more painful."

The dark haired bubble blower didn't even want to know. Eventually, the blond fell asleep, and the redhead lay next to him, snuggling his partner as he gazed at the infinite stars. The demon vessel was a little surprised—he'd never really had much experience with gay relationships before. Before he felt jealousy bloom—jealousy that this pair of evil pricks could find love and acceptance in the world, but he couldn't, Tobi hugged him something fierce.

"Tobi is to miss the times he was allowed to hug a sempai."

It was only because the idiot sounded so lonely that Katsutoshi let him hug. Definitely not because it made him feel just the tiniest bit welcome in the world.

"Sempai smells funny."

And definitely not because he was attracted to the daft thing.

The bugs were planted without incident (once the redhead seemed to fall into a stupor), and the duo sat back to wait for the summons.

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A reviewer (anonymous) Tobi-is-a-good-boy says that the Yonbi's name is Roushi. Now, not that that's not a fine name, but I really love Hisoka. And I shall keep it. Because I am the goddess, and any who disagree with me shall be smite'd (smitten?) and thrust into the seventh level of hell.

So there. Nyah.