Cullen approached her cautiously, pulling up a chair by her bedside, "Yes … I'm still here."

"Then …" Illusen trailed weakly and her blue globe began to flicker, "not the Fade? Er - I'm … I'm not in the Fade?"

"You've just woken up recently," Cullen confirmed with a nod. "You were dreaming, but you're not anymore."

"But when did it stop?" Illusen cried, tears swelling in her eyes as her globe flashed a harsh bright blue. Cullen looked puzzled and his mouth hung agape as he faltered. "Did you try to kill me, Cullen?"

"What? N-n-no of course not," he stammered, shaking his head and holding up his hands as he looked down away from the girl. He was lying, and Illusen could tell, just as he always lied to withhold pleasant information from her, now he would try to hide this. She didn't mind. She didn't want to know.

"Oh," was all she could find to reply as her globe flickered some more until it faded out of existence entirely. "Well … you could now, if you wanted. Kill me, I mean."

Illusen's mind was starting to formulate mildly coherent thoughts, or at least, she thought so, and she was thinking about what Eamon had said: she had defeated the Blight. She should be dead, and that she wasn't was arduous as it meant she would have to live her life alone, prodded by curious Grey Wardens, shunned by the Templars at the Circle Tower, abandoned by her king lover, and forgotten by her one-time companions. Her deeds would be remembered in greatness, but her sacrifice would leave her a burden upon the world. That she lived could only mean that she had fulfilled Morrigan's deed. She had an Old God growing inside her … and she deserved to die for it. She let her head loll against the stone wall and looked at Cullen at an angle, batting her eyes in as much of a soft and sad way as she could, not wanting to show the extent of her torment anymore; now that she knew this was real.

A hungry look glazed Cullen's eyes for a moment. His lower jaw barely touched his upper jaw but he felt as if his teeth were grinding together. He had to stand up and turn away to the wall and scratch at the top of his head to clear his mind. Guilty, sinful thoughts of taking advantage of the mage, as he would never have the opportunity to do again (with her or another), and then killing her and presenting no witness and saving the world from her terror as a mage was … too great a task. The templar truly only sobered up however when he thought of having to decapitate the woman with whom he would share relations with. He turned back to her and shook his head. From pursed lips he replied, "No. I couldn't …"

Illusen smirked in such a way as it implied she had expected as much, but at the same time her eye twitched indicating that it relieved some of her nervousness. Still, she taunted, "Is it not your duty as a templar? … Has someone not told you to kill me if I became a danger to Fereldan?" Cullen fumbled for a response but Illusen's eyes flared and the room shook slightly, "I have!"

Cullen furrowed his brow and flexed his shoulders angrily before striking out and grabbing the mage by the jaw. He held her up against the stone wall and squeezed.

"My duty," he said curtly, "is to ensure you do not harm anyone. I'm doing that."

He shoved her away and took a step back, sighing in exasperation. He was surprised that she had been so ready to talk with him once the others had left the room. He had suspected that she would have continued screaming, lost in her madness, perhaps shattering items within the room. He had expected chaos to rival or surpass that which he had witnessed in the circle tower during the murder of his brethren, it was even somewhat disappointing that this was not the case, as it implied there was more strength in the mage or that she was still spared the horrors they had been subject to that day.

Illusen stared, mouth agape, at Cullen. She was taken aback by the manner of which he insulted her; with his gentle words ordering her to hold her tongue or else go away, and his tender force alluding to him having more self-restraint than he let on. The mage pouted as she looked away and squeezed the end of her bed as she thought of all she had learned about the templars and their vow of chastity. None of them seemed to be able to take it in stride in the same way that most priests did; she felt that thinking this of all priests would be presumptuous considering her experience with Jowan and Lily. In either case, it seemed an odd thing to ask of a man who would do nothing but watch over some of the most sexual beings in Thedas.

She couldn't help smiling as her eyes fluttered up to glance Cullen's armor for a second as she thought of Gregoire. No wonder he was so gruff, having grown along side the First Enchanter, who had probably had more than a few consorts in his younger years. Worse still was that Templar in the Circle Tower who had undoubtedly allowed (if only subconsciously) that Desire Demon to take hold of him, that he might feel the warmth of family life. Despite Alistair's initial reaction to her suggesting their relations, the way he warmed up to the idea was very much how Illusen expected Cullen would have been, had she pursued him, or perhaps Cullen would still be as he was now: aggressive and withdrawn. She wondered why these vows were necessary if this was what was done to them. To have the brothers of the Chantry take the vows made sense as they lived the same lives as priests, and so lived at the same pace of contemplation; but templars were so much more socially involved and so disciplined, it was odd that the Chantry did not feel they could trust them to be mature enough to love another as well as hold true to their responsibilities.

Slowly, Illusen took to her feet.

"Cullen?" she called.

His brow still furrowed, now in confusion, he replied, "Yes?"

"Thank you," she said with sincerity, and moved to kiss his cheek. The man let it happen, but then wrapped one of his large hands around her skull and shoved her away onto her bed.

It was cruel, but only as cruel as Illusen's action had been. She understood and was annoyed with herself that she hadn't before taking action. Still, there was some satisfaction in seeing his face grow aglow and the disorientation in his eyes as he processed what had happened and held onto his cheek as if he'd been scalded. Though the mage felt guilt, she felt no shame.

Cullen could have taken out the wall. He was so infuriated at being patronized. He could have cried. He was so depressed from being tortured this way. The templar turned towards the door and spoke, "I'll have someone bring you a meal. Someone you might treat with respect will be by soon."

Though he couldn't see her, Illusen nodded and let the man leave in peace.