Jinchuuriki Gathering
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!
A/N: I play Russian roulette every day, a man's sport, with a bullet called life.
"Sugar", by System of a Down. That's the song I used.
Kuro=black. Shiro=white. So when Kisame says kuro-Zetsu-san, he's talking to the dark side of the plant dude's face. And shiro-Zetsu-san is when he's addressing the paler side.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Naruto struggled towards consciousness. His mind fought his rebelling body's attempts to stay still and panicked, sending bursts of electricity through his nerve systems. The blond groaned and thrashed his way to wakefulness. He had to help his team! He had to defeat Akatsuki! He had to—he had to—
"Awake at last, the sleepin' beauty be."
Well, poo.
The team he'd intended to help looked mournfully back at him as he struggled to sit up. They were all nine of them in a low ceiling-ed dungeon barely twenty feet across and twenty feet deep. Naruto could feel the subterranean-ness of the whole set up in his bones.
"Why hasn't someone blasted us out of here?" he asked. The grill gate on the right side was metal. Nothing that could stand up to their powers.
"We've all been doped fool/ I know it ain't cool/ But we've got no power/ Even the girl with the flower."
"Kame's jutsu isn't based on her own chakra," Takeshi explained, "So she should've been able to use her pike to get us out of here. But they took it away."
The blond groaned and rubbed his eyes. "Okay. Okay. Okay. We need to sort things out right now. Is everyone one here? Gaara?"
"I'm right here, Naruto."
"Nii, Kame, Akemi?"
Their voices chanted confirmations back at him.
"Hisoka, Takeshi, Bee?"
"Aye lad. We be here."
"Katsutoshi?"
The bubble blower lifted his head up and stared at him blankly. "The little shit is a traitor," he said. "Tobi. He betrayed us."
Naruto shifted over to him and patted his back. "It's my fault," he said, "I used a mind-search jutsu I learnt from Ino—a Yamanaka—to make sure he wasn't lying about his intentions. It must have been faulty. I got us into this mess; I take responsibility for it."
Gaara cocked his head, as though listening to some musical notes of truth. "A mind-search technique from the Yamanaka clan? The one that uses the water lion seal?"
Naruto nodded. "Yeah, that's the one. Alright team, listen. We form a plan to get out and then carry out what we were gonna do anyway: total annihilation of these smug bastards. I call dibs on Orochimaru, and I say we let Katsutoshi take care of that traitorous fuck, Tobi."
Hisoka growled his approval, but Gaara tutted. "Wait."
Naruto turned impatiently to the redhead. "What?"
"The water lion seal—did you use it before or after the key note sign?"
"After. I did exactly like Ino told me, but I told you, something must've gone wrong—"
"What if something didn't go wrong?" Gaara said quietly, "What if Tobi wasn't lying about his intentions?"
Akemi snorted. "Um, Gaara, weren't you there when the little crap weasel removed his mask and told us all that he was selling us out?"
"Were you?" the boy reproached her, "He said his name was Madara."
Takeshi shrugged. "So he lied about his name as well, so what?"
Gaara turned in exasperation to Katsutoshi. "You! You there, you have a brain. Surely you must know, the Yamanaka jutsu is so simple, even Naruto could accomplish it. And accomplish it well, with no room for error!"
Katsutoshi drew up his knees to his chin and moped. "Leave me alone, carrot top, can't you see I'm bemoaning the loss of my idiot partner?"
"…Am I surrounded by morons!?"
"Gaara," Naruto said sternly, "What have I said about showing emotions?"
The one-tail vessel stood, managing to be menacing in the cramped quarters. "Forget detachment, Naruto! We are in mortal danger and not a single fool amongst us realizes how different Tobi is from the bastard that betrayed us! Tobi is not Madara, and Madara is not Tobi!"
Nii knitted her brows together wonderingly, working it out. "You mean…two people sharing one body?"
"Why not?" Kame said suddenly, eyes fastened on the redhead, "Its not unheard of."
"Exactly," Gaara almost smiled at her.
Everyone fell into quiet reflection over this revelation, and the song snuck in through the bars of the prison to tap their shoulders for attention and breathe into their ears in spine tingling syllables.
"The kombocha mushroom people, sitting around all day…damn it, would you shut up? Who can believe you? Who can believe you let your mothers pray? Sugar!"
Another voice joined in, salty and grating. "I got a gun the other day from Sako, its cute, small, fits right in my pocket—"
"Kisame! Not you as well, as if this dolt singing isn't enough to make my head ache…Sugar! Every time I try to go where I really wanna be it's already where I am—'cause I'm already there!"
"Nice slide, kuro-Zetsu-san!
"No one is listening to me. The prisoners will take us for idiots. But we are all of us idiots in one way or another, no, Shiro? Shut up, Kuro, as if you know anything, you thrice damned hippie—"
"Oh, don't fight again with yourself, Zetsu-san! Look, the jinchuuriki are watching!"
And indeed they were. Mouths agape, eyes widening/twitching/blinking rapidly, they were gawking at the two dread S-class shinobi that had oh-so-nonchalantly arrived in front of their caged existence.
"Excuse me," the black half of the green one's face moved to say, "May we please speak to your leader? Don't be so polite with them, they're our prisoners about to become our allies we don't have to treat them as equals fully capable of handling themselves against us—"
The blue one nudged his bickering companion to the side and smiled at the group of people staring at him. It was a terrifying smile, all teeth and no kindness, but it jolted them into action. Naruto was propelled to the front of the group, blond hair sticking to his face in sweaty streaks.
"I'm the leader, and I swear I'm gonna kick your ass when we get out there and we will get out there—"
"Hush, kid," Kisame shushed him, "Yikes, but you talk a lot. Zetsu san and I are here for a reason, its got nothing to do with eating you or skinning you or whatever you might be scared we'll do to you—"
"Perhaps the message isn't getting through to your thick skull," Katsutoshi said loudly, "We're going to obliterate you."
"Don't talk to the man that way, can't you see he's trying to negotiate something?" Takeshi snapped at the boy, causing a small uproar. In the confusion of limbs and hurtling words that followed, Nii Yugito and Killer Bee fought their way to the blue skinned Akatsuki member.
"You were saying something?" the woman prompted.
"Uh, yeah." Kisame tore his gaze away from the scuffle behind her to nod. "We're here to make a deal with you. We'll bust you out of here, but we're planning a coup d'etat of sorts and we'd like your help."
"Kisame, don't just tell them the plan, this is why I said I'd do it you have no skills for this sort of job he's perfectly capable oh to you the entire world is capable and I'm the only halfwit that's not true and you know it, I'm extremely fond of you, you're my better half spare me your droll wit, you dirty now, now there's no need for name calling, Shiro—"
"Right, I think you can continue telling us the deal/ what's in it for us if we help you get behind the wheel?"
"Uh," Kisame said, "You go free."
Nii raised an eyebrow. "Who's to say you won't just drag us all off to get our demons sucked out anyway after we help you with whatever it is needs helping?"
"Because—damn it, Zetsu-san, and Zetsu-san, Tobi's your lover, you tell these people your motivation or lack thereof in hunting them!"
"Will you tell them the story or shall I? I've got it, thanks. Your welcome. Fine, now shut up well no need I said for I'm not calling you names, would you just shush!? Fine, fine…Alright," the pale face glared at them, "Listen up."
"Hold on a second, dog/I'm gonna get the whole hog," Bee muttered, turning to his squabbling team. "Yo, peeps/ this dude's speaks!"
"Is that the best you can really do?" Nii frowned. He shrugged. "I'm working on it yet/ It'll get better, I bet."
"It can hardly get worse, in any case."
"Why are we listening to the plant dude?" Akemi raised her eyebrows, "He was the girl eater that hung out with the snake guy."
"Part of the job description, to act frightening," Zetsu nodded, "I apologize now, of course, since we will shortly be allies—wait," he added as they began to raise their voices, "Let me finish. The boy who joined your ranks as Tobi is first and foremost my lover even though he's really too young what are you doing? What are you doing? Did I not say I was going to speak, did you not say you'd let me, you liar name calling again just like the child you are maybe you and Tobi aren't such a bad match after all oh as if you're not in love with him as well we're the same person after all we share a mind and it drives me nuts to do so, let me assure you I love him too but that doesn't mean—"
"Perhaps," Kisame said quietly, "I could finish the story?"
"Fine," Zetsu said furiously, "I have words for this 'better half' of mine anyway." And together, the single man sunk into the floor.
"That's really creepy," Naruto commented to no one in particular.
"You'll have to excuse Zetsu-san," the blue man explained, "He's not used to interacting with anyone much. He's nervous."
"Yeah? Which side of him?"
"Naruto," Akemi suggested, "Shut up."
"Tobi is actually Uchiha Madara," Kisame said, "But he doesn't know it. Madara has survived into the present day by a method that is essentially the opposite of Orochimaru's. Orochimaru takes over another person's body and mind—but Madara adopts another person's body and mind into his. Tobi is the third or fourth person he's done it to. But the thing is, the other people succumbed to Madara's power, they let their bodies go. Tobi fought, Tobi stayed. Madara tried to kill him at first, but then he realized the value of having a whole different person living within him."
"He can infiltrate organizations," Hisoka said, "Without having to lie."
"Precisely what he proceeded to do," Kisame agreed, "And he also used Tobi as an alter ego in Akatsuki. Leader-sama—Pein—I think knows the real Madara. But he's spared from the tedium of having to act when he's around us—he lets Tobi take over, and Tobi manifest, and Tobi live. Tobi wouldn't alarm a fly. Or harm one, come to think of it…"
"But he forgot to include something in his calculations, didn't he?" Hisoka said, "Tobi was able to act under his own free will. And Tobi is gay."
"And Tobi is gay," Kisame agreed again, impressed by the redhead's deductions, "A soppy fudge packer with the flaming hots for Zetsu-san. And Zetsu-san—"
"Reciprocates," the four tail vessel supplied.
"Yeah, that. I can tell you he wasn't thrilled when he found out Tobi wasn't who he thought he was. Moped for weeks. Wasn't at all good company—not that he was to begin with, you understand, the two people in one thing gets old pretty damn fast…"
He stopped talking to mull over memories. Takeshi coughed loudly.
"Oh, right. So that's why Zetsu-san wants to kill Madara, drive him out for good and put Tobi fully in charge of the body. But he can't do that unless Pein is defeated. And he can't do that without help."
"What's your story, then?" Hisoka asked, "There's gotta be more to this, me beard be tingling."
"Well, if your beard is sure," Kame muttered. Akemi shoved and shushed her.
Kisame nodded. "Truth is, Zetsu was never really keen on the whole world domination deal. Its not like the girls will be fawning over his armless body anyway, even if he wanted them to. What does he get out of it? Not a whole lot. And when he found out he'd likely lose the one shred of happiness in his life if Madara won, he said bollocks to the whole thing.
"Now, me? Me, I want this to all blow over because of Itachi. He's my partner, and while I may not be interested in his ass, I do care about him. In my own, perverse way. He's never happy, hell, he's never anything—except around his brother. I've noticed that. The few times we ran into the brat, when he was in the Leaf Village and a few times when he was under Orochimaru's tutelage—Itachi was so alive for days afterwards. I like traveling with a partner who shows emotions. Makes for good conversation. 'Hey, I thought I saw your face twitch the other day'. 'Oh, oh yeah, that's 'cause I was suffering extreme depression and was telepathically attempting suicide'."
Nii chuckled. Bee scowled at her. "What?" she said, "It was funny!"
Hisoka nodded. "I see. And you want to break us out to comprehensively defeat them."
"Basically, yeah."
"Alright, that's it!" Kame said, "How come only Hisoka gets dialogue with the blue dude? What, we're not good enough to interact with the enemy-turning-ally?"
Naruto shrugged. "He had the initiative."
Kame told him where he could stuff his initiative, and he slapped her upside the head. "Watch your tongue," he said darkly, "Something might cause it to…oh, fall out."
She muttered rebelliously under her breath, but kept the peace.
Gaara looked at Naruto. "You're the boss," he said, "What say you to their proposition?"
"I was looking forward to obliterating all of them," Naruto admitted, "But I suppose I can live with excluding him and the plant thing. Kisame, I accept your deal on behalf of the jinchuuriki of the world!"
Kisame clapped his hands together. "Excellent! I'll just go call Zetsu-san back and he can break you out!"
"Before you go!" Katsutoshi called after him, "I have a question."
"Yes?"
"Well, if the plant man is indeed a plant man, how would he and Tobi ever…um, make love?"
Kisame folded his brow in and over itself until it was a dark mass of furls. "You know…I don't actually know. You should ask that when I bring him here," he added, and hurried away.
Akemi nodded at Katsutoshi.
"Oh, sure, that won't be awkward at all."
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FOR FELIX. Who kept nagging. 8D