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Dance In The Dark

He won't look away, but he won't look back.

I'm being pushed away from the surface, so far into the ocean that all I can see is blue for miles and years and eternity.

I'm caught in an undertow, and I can never escape it.

I'm drowning.

----

I have everything planned.

I know how this will end.

I know what I'm going to do.

And even though I won't be here, I know what will happen after.

I've already written my letter to Atem.

I left it on my desk at my apartment so when he comes looking for me, it'll be the first thing he'll see.

In the letter, I apologized for what I'm about to do.

I thanked him for being there for me when no one else was.

I wrote down how much I'll miss him.

How much I adore him.

How much I love him.

And how much I wish things had been different.

I put in my letter that I wish it would have been us that had wound up together.

It should have been us.

We could have made something wonderful.

But fate thought otherwise.

And now, the corner I've been backed into has run out of air.

And I can't breathe anymore.

"Yuugi."

My boyfriend.

He's in one of those moods again.

"Get in here."

I walk into the kitchen and gaze at him from the doorway.

"Yes?"

I hate him for what's he's done to me.

I hate him, as much as I hate myself for letting him.

"Take a run to the store and get me a pack of cigarettes."

I told Atem to meet me at my apartment at ten o'clock.

But by then it'll be too late.

I want him to get my letter tonight though.

I don't want him to go on another day without knowing how much he meant to me.

"Okay," I say.

I don't leave right away.

I just stand in the threshold and stare at him.

I wonder what happened to the man who swept me off my feet.

The one who bought my flowers every Tuesday and would call me just to tell me he loved me.

The one I, in some degree, fell in love with, too.

The one I thought wasn't capable of hurting me like this.

I guess I had it coming though.

In some sense, I used him, as a replacement for Atem.

I directed some of the love I held for Atem at him in hopes that he could fill the void in my heart.

But standing here, I realize that all I was trying to do was find someone who could distract me from the obvious.

I realize now that Atem was, is, and will forever be my everything.

My only.

"Are you just going to stand there all day?"

I focus back in on my boyfriend's face.

I used him.

And thus, I was used.

Fair game.

"Sorry. I'm leaving now."

I take slow, deliberate steps out of the kitchen and down the hall.

The bottle of pills shaking in my jean pocket is almost soundless.

But I can hear them perfectly.

I grab my coat of the hook behind the door and slowly put it on.

When I come back, I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom.

I'm going to take every pill.

And then I'm going to wait.

I planned it all.

I know the ending to my story.

I take the deepest breath and open the front door.

And, for a moment, I thought I had already died.

I wish I had.

Atem stands on the other side of the door.

His eyes are narrowed, his lips thin, and the lines that make up his face are tight and stiff.

I frantically search the ruby eyes that are locked with mine for any indication of why he's here.

Then I look down to the clutched letter in his hand and my eyes go wide.

I glance back up at him.

I open my mouth to explain.

But nothing comes out.

Besides...

What else is there left to say?

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