Where Words Fail

Book Six: It's All or Nothing

Bonus Chapter 2: Would you do the whole thing all over again, knowing what you know now, knowing what you knew then?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is a fan fiction - nothing more, nothing less. It has been made purely for entertainment purposes, and is not meant for commercial gain. Avatar: The Last Airbender and all characters, places and concepts are copyright of Nickelodeon, Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. All original characters are copyright their respective owners and are used with their permission.

SCENE DIVIDE

Then

A visitor.

For me? Seriously?

Who would come to see me? I hadn't had any friends in the military - or hell, before the military - and if any other Freedom Fighters knew I was still alive, I doubt they would have dropped by to say hello.

The guards sat me down in a wooden chair - rickety, uncomfortable, made my butt hurt - in the middle of a rust-colored room, the walls, floor and ceiling made entirely of metal. Even though the sun shone through a barred window, casting a series of glowing rectangles across the floor, it was cold in there - chilly, but not enough to make my teeth chatter or anything. The mystery kept me occupied enough to not really notice other than at the back of my mind. Two guards stood on either side of the heavy, sliding door connecting the room to the corridors beyond, where all sorts of administrative jargon took place. I didn't know. Didn't really care - I was just a prisoner and tried making the most of my days. The workings of the prison itself didn't do anything for me. Boring facts I'd never really need to know - I may've learned something about that in boot camp, but I never really paid attention. Could you fault me? I had been out-of-shape at the time, and was more intent on following the drill instructor's orders without having a heart attack. (Being a Freedom Fighter had done wonders for the weight situation, though...and I had enough free time here where I could work out. I'd gotten pretty trim since going AWOL, and heaven forbid I actually get in shape!)

Beyond the door, I could hear the echoing, reverberating sounds of footsteps bouncing against the corridors. Voices, distant, buzzing and muffled. The low rumble of machinery churning and wheeling. There was never a moment of true silence in this place - even as you slept, all that cranky-grindy stuff rumbled all around. It was hard getting used to that...but I had adapted to living in a tent, sleeping on hard, wooden floors, where mosquitoes would nip at you during the summer and the only thing you could really do was take it in stride.

I mean, I guess prison wasn't so bad. I still cooked for the inmates in exchange for some extra free time and rations (although no redemption came from that), and I'd already started learning which of my peers to avoid and which ones were pretty decent, their crimes set aside. But...well, it wasn't anything compared to the forest.

From outside, I heard a few sets of footsteps becoming clearer and more prominent over the background noise - stopping right beyond the doorway, still out of sight. And then a voice: "This is where the prisoner is being held?"

"Yes sir," replied another voice, lower, not as formal or rigid as the first. "There are more guards inside."

"Ah." A pause, and then, "What are your names - you two, in the room?"

The two guards inside turned - looked out into the corridor, at the faceless voice addressing them. After a moment, one of them said, "My name is Bao, sir. My partner is Wei."

"Very well, Bao and Wei. You're dismissed."

Bao paused, frowning, hiking his eyebrows. "Are you sure, sir? The prisoner might be dangerous - "

"I think I can handle him if he stirs up trouble, guard."

Trouble. Heh heh...yeah, sure, I would do just that, right. I grit my teeth and folded my hands between my legs, glaring down at them - felt sweat making my back slick, my face growing hot. I didn't know who my mystery visitor was, and it was scary being in the dark like that. Hell, even his voice was intimidating. He said he'd be able to handle me - I've heard stories of military personnel making home calls and roughing up their 'favorites,' be it criminals that may have harmed them on some personal level, or prisoners who had been slippery and evasive to a point, just to rub their vulnerability in. I hadn't made any enemies like that, at least not that I remembered...

...oh. Dead soldiers from the slave line incident...okay, so maybe there were a few people who had it out for me. But really, I hadn't caused the fight at the garrison! That had been all Smellerbee, and all I did was steal a key and free some slaves. Unless somebody was able to make that connection and didn't care so much for the details - only that I'd assisted the renegade Earth Kingdom girl.

Oh man, oh man, this could go bad in so many ways.

After a moment's hesitation, shrugging at each other, my guards shuffled out of the room, saying to my visitor, "He's all yours, sir," before vanishing from sight. Okay. Okay, Spatula, keep your stuff together...it wasn't working. My hands shook, and my throat kept closing up on itself. I was in so much -

My visitor crossed the threshold into the room and slid the metal door shut behind him. I looked up instinctually - saw the uniform, shied away as I had done in the army, because uniforms meant authority and the authority hadn't liked me very much - but then, I scrolled up, saw - the face, with a narrow chin and accentuated cheek bones, hair trimmed short and kept into a topknot, his eyes a glimmering, golden color -

"Jiege!" I shot up to my feet, the chair squealing against the floor - it was him, it was Jiege! He'd found me! All of the tension and worry I'd been burdening myself down with evaporated, nonexistent, it didn't matter anymore because my big brother had come back into my life -

- but, but he didn't smile. He didn't give me that smile he had done when I was younger, where the corner of his eyes crinkled, and you could feel his love for you radiating outward, like the rays of the sun. I felt my heart do a somersault inside my chest - had that pride I figured he'd felt for me - had I been deluding myself? He stared at me, gaze hard, and said, "Sheng."

My name. My old name, at least, I still went by Spatula even now, because even though I'd botched my chance with the Freedom Fighters, I'd learned too much from them to turn my back on their fantastic culture. There had been ice behind that word - a single word! - that I hadn't ever heard before, even when my older brother had to scold me.

I could already feel my resolve weakening, and I slumped back down into my chair - the floor was a lot more interesting all of a sudden, and it didn't glare back at you with eyes that you knew so well that still managed to be so foreign. My mind started buzzing, I could feel it in the back of my skull. All this time - I thought he would be happy to see me, but maybe...maybe I'd been too much of a dope. It wouldn't have been the first time.

This would be so different if he'd come to see me in the kitchen.

"It was true, I guess, when I got that letter from your unit saying you'd gone AWOL," Jiege said, clasping his hands behind his back. I fidgeted, bit my lower lip - I hadn't imagined our reunion unfurling like this. I mean...I guess the last time I'd really thought of seeing him in person, we'd both be successful in our own military divisions, and we'd be able to share stories of the war and all of our conquests. Different times. "They said you'd liberated some of the Earth Kingdom slaves your unit was collecting. That you put a coup into motion that cost several soldiers their lives."

"They say a lot of things," I mumbled, keeping my gaze on the floor.

"They also say you turned traitor." Jiege continued, and - I'd always known that it was true, but hearing it put into words, given that sort of weight...for the first time since I'd abandoned my post I felt like, maybe I had made a mistake. "That you ran off with some Earth Kingdom mutt."

I drew a deep breath - tried to find calm, to keep my thoughts straight, but everything Jiege said was true, and I didn't regret it, but oh Spirits, he thought I'd made a mistake anyway, and I wanted to, to say something in return, but my throat had sealed up and my tongue got fat and clumsy and nothing came out.

"You threw away your entire military career." It was hard to pick out Jiege's tone - partially because I couldn't think properly, but a lot of it had to do with the fact that I'd never heard him so cold, and I didn't know what to make of it. "You abandoned your nation and sided with the enemy. This is all true, right? Your unit wasn't lying?"

Say - say something, idiot! Come on - make your mouth work the way it's supposed to. But nothing came, just dry, hot air, and -

"Sheng, is it true?" I flinched, and this time I could at least hear a sharp, piercing quality to his tone, and - and he'd never had to speak to me like that!

I stammered, a million thoughts scrabbling for purchase, trying to slip through and reach my tongue, everything from excuses to being indignant to playing stupid to, to - "Y - it - I - um, um - y-y-yes." My head grew heavy, and I wanted to look up at him, to be half as courageous as he was, but I couldn't, I just couldn't, he'd been my idol growing up and he didn't approve of...

"And your letters. The ones I started to receive a few months ago." Jiege's voice softened, but just barely, and I grabbed the sides of my head. "Those stories, of the orphaned children in the forest, where the leaves are red all year around. Are those true, too? Or did you just make them up?"

"Th-they're true." I licked my lips - they'd gone dry, I wasn't sure when.

Jiege paused, and at last pulled over another wooden chair that had been stuck in the corner of the room. He turned it around and sat down, and - and he said, "They were, huh? It sounds like a helluva place. I want you to tell me more about it...Spatula."

...Wait - what? His voice had gone light - and, and warm, and I knew that tone, I did, and at last I brought my head up, looked at him properly - his eyes sparkled like they did when I was growing up, like they did the last time I saw him face-to-face, and a grin lighted his face. He crooked his head to the side and slung an arm over the back of his chair. And he'd called me by my new name! All of the tension, the nerves, I sloughed them off, it was excess weight I didn't need anymore, because Jiege didn't disapprove.

"You - you're such a dick, you know?" I laughed and shook my head. "I seriously thought you were mad at me!"

"Well..." Jiege looked away, at the wall, and he frowned. "At first...I guess I kind of was, when I first found out. I didn't understand it - you'd been more passionate than any other kid your age about serving the Fire Nation. But once I let it sink in...I stopped being angry, but I was still confused. And worried!" He gave a quick laugh. "Sudden, unexpected defection or not, you were still my little bro and I had no idea where you'd gone, or even if you'd abandoned your post willingly."

"Ah - um...sorry." I cleared my throat and added, "For making you worry, I mean. There were just - a lot of circumstances, and I couldn't write. I really wanted to, though!"

"You explained as much a few letters ago," Jiege said, smiling. "I'm just glad that you're okay, is all."

"Well, relatively speaking." I rolled my eyes, and Jiege laughed again.

Just like that - so quickly, so suddenly, I had my big bro back, and even though I was in prison, and my military career was ruined and I had screwed up with the Freedom Fighters, nothing could have been more right in the world.

"Now - there's one thing I absolutely have to ask you." Jiege shifted his weight and frowned again. "One thing that will help me make sense of this whole mess, because I still don't know if I get it."

"Shoot."

"Do you - was it worthwhile?" he asked, slowly, as if he might be treading onto a minefield. "Do you regret it?"

"Mmm?" I quirked my head. That was an easy answer - there wasn't any doubt, at least not anymore now that I knew he wasn't going to, like, disown me or something. No more of that second-guessing garbage. "If I had the chance to go back and do everything over again - knowing what I know now, and knowing what I knew then - I'd still do it. I did my best...I have no regrets."

Jiege smirked. "That's all I needed to know. As long as you think you're doing the right thing...that's what's important."

I grinned.

"Now, tell me about these forest people of yours..."