Title: Always Alone
Rating: K+
Pairing: Hisagi Shuuhei x Kira Izuru
Preview: The dreams and the thoughts hurt so much but I have to face them alone
Warnings/Thoughts: Character Death, Slight Spoilers for 318/319, -104/-103
Prompt: 032. Night
He was woken up again.
Shuuhei knew why, it happened frequently even with Shuuhei lying in bed next to Izuru. It would begin with the blonde sifting, then gripping the sheets or sometimes Shuuhei, then Izuru would jolt awake, sometimes sitting up, other times his eyes just snapped open. It was a routine Shuuhei knew well and he always woke up whenever the nightmare that Izuru suffered from escalated. This was because Izuru's reiatsu would start to flare and the shift from calm, sleeping reiatsu to painful, sorrowful reiatsu this sharp shift would always wake him up. It was a large change in reiatsu.
This time Izuru had sat up and Shuuhei followed him, rubbing circles on his back to ease Izuru into being calm again. It was always the same nightmare, one of Ichimaru Gin, Izuru missed him but he was long dead, all the traitors were. Soul Society was in peace. Shuuhei assumed these nightmares came back because Izuru had recently achieved bankai and was probably going to be promoted to taichou of his division soon. Just like Shuuhei was, these nightmares were fierce during the time when they had returned from guarding the pillars.
Izuru remembered all too clearly when his taichou died, also the pain that he felt when Gin left all his good byes to Rangiku and none to him. Shuuhei had done his best to sooth these feelings; however Gin was someone he didn't get along with so Rangiku had done most of the soothing for that. Izuru's nightmares had disappeared almost completely until he achieved bankai. They weren't full force again but they were certainly strong. All Shuuhei could ever think of doing was whispering sweet and comforting words to him.
Izuru gave Shuuhei a weak smile "Gomen na… I…"
"It's okay… you don't have to apologize, I understand."
'More then you know…'
Izuru nodded and calmed his breathing "We can go back to bed now."
"Don't want anything?"
Izuru shook his head and looked away "I just want to sleep."
Shuuhei gave a squeeze to Izuru's shoulder before lying back down and once Izuru had fallen back asleep he removed himself from being wrapped around him to look at the wall. He knew how Izuru felt, he felt the same way when he had to take Kaname's position. He felt the same over Gin like Izuru did because Kaname didn't get any last words when Kensei killed him. Shuuhei shuddered at the memory that he couldn't forget, that never healed. He was okay though, he was fine, the memory didn't hurt that much, he was over it.
That's what he told himself.
Izuru knew that. As he let his eyes finally slip open, knowing he had once again faked sleeping to not let Shuuhei know. Izuru couldn't let Shuuhei know that he knew that Shuuhei had nightmares too; Shuuhei just thought Izuru slept through it. Shuuhei didn't know that Izuru was a lighter sleeper than him, at first, Izuru was going to get up when he first spotted it. However when he caught the look in Shuuhei's eyes, he didn't, he simply slitted his eyes like Gin did and watched him. Shuuhei was hurt but he also didn't want anyone to know so Izuru left him be.
Izuru figured that maybe this was what Shuuhei wanted, to be the one to be strong in the relationship, he couldn't be the weak one at any point. Maybe it was because Shuuhei believed Izuru was fragile and maybe he was. However he had found his strength, through Shuuhei, Rangiku, and Gin. Izuru offered his hand in subtle ways but Shuuhei never took it. Izuru started doing it in less subtle ways around the time his training with Wabisuke started to get close to achieving the level they needed for bankai. Still Shuuhei did not take Izuru's hand and get helped.
This hurt Izuru more then he thought it would.
He tried to think of a reason why Shuuhei didn't trust him with such important information like Izuru had. All he could come up with was horrible reasons, leaving him feeling horrible, weak, and alone. He didn't connect with Shuuhei like he should and he hated it. He wasn't right for Shuuhei but he was afraid to leave Shuuhei, he couldn't leave Shuuhei alone no matter how much it hurt him. No matter how distant he felt from that man for not letting or telling him anything. Maybe, Izuru figured that he himself was afraid to get that close to Shuuhei but even with that fear he wanted so badly to end Shuuhei's pain.
He didn't know what to do, to the point Izuru had stated openly that he thought something was wrong with Shuuhei, that something was bothering him. Shuuhei had looked at him seriously and told him nothing was wrong, he lied right to his face. The nightmares he had were no longer about Gin anymore, it was about Shuuhei. What if Shuuhei was lying to him, not just with this problem? What if Shuuhei lied about loving him? Or about wanting to spend every second with him? What if Shuuhei just thought of him as something to fix? Izuru told himself he didn't want to know. He didn't want to find out if Shuuhei was lying about anything else, it was okay. Izuru supposed he could force himself to live this lie. He would live this lie because he loved Shuuhei too much to let him go.
It was for this reason that Izuru, "in his sleep", shifted closer and managed to slip his arms around Shuuhei, hugging him. A rare thing for Izuru to do, he rarely gave hugs but the shudder told him that Shuuhei felt alone right now. Izuru pressed his head to Shuuhei's back and mumbled something inaudible to further fake the fact he was asleep. He felt Shuuhei tense at first and then relax when he thought Izuru was asleep and Shuuhei, although Izuru couldn't see or tell, smiled and put his arms over Izuru's. Izuru gave a sad smile as he pressed closer.
Izuru was sorry he couldn't be enough for Shuuhei.
A/N: A sad fic that randomly popped into my head.
Translation:
Reiatsu = Spirit Pressure
Taichou = Captain
Gomen na = I'm Sorry (Male Speaking)