Chapter Eight

Alex woke to the warm, rich smell of coffee. She yawned, blinked, and looked into Tom's dark brown eyes.

"Hey, sleepyhead," he said gently.

"Hey, yourself," she answered. She started to sit up, realized she was naked, and, suddenly shy, pulled the covers around her. "You brought me coffee."

"Yea," Tom answered. "I've seen you in the morning when you haven't had caffeine…It's not pretty." He smiled as she took the cup and tried to keep the covers around her. "You know," he said softly. "It's not like there's anything I haven't seen…"

Her face reddened slightly, and Alex looked shyly at Tom over the top of her cup. "I…I'm not real…uh…experienced with this part…"

He softly pushed her hair back from her face.

Strengthened by the coffee and Tom's kindness, Alex went on. "Truth is, I'm not all that experienced with any of this."

Tom frowned.

"It's ok," Alex said quickly. "It's not like you're corrupting me or something…"

"C'mon," Tom said with a smile. "I'll get you some breakfast."

He treated her like a princess through the next few months, always picking her up for their dates, sending her flowers for no apparent reason, and showering her with presents. Tom discovered that Alex, while enormously grateful for any token of appreciation, was not a great fan of jewelry, so he presented her with clothes, books, and other, as Alex put it, "more useful" items. Some of her friends commented on the improvement in her wardrobe; she managed to allay her parents' suspicions by keeping part of her gifts at her sister's apartment (in return, Mary got to borrow the clothes she liked). Alex often felt overwhelmed by Tom's gifts.

"I can't begin to thank you," she said one morning as they enjoyed coffee together after a particularly enjoyable night. "And I can't give you anything in return."

He gazed at her. "You give me you," he said quietly. "And that's something I can't begin to give you anything for." Alex felt her insides turn to mush.

At work, they maintained a highly professional relationship—if anything, Tom and Alex approached each other in a more formal way. At first, Alex found the secrecy, which she desired as much as Tom, uncomfortable. Aside from her unhappy experience with Tommy Flynn, she wasn't accustomed to hiding things from her parents. Living at home complicated everything, and both parents commented on her sudden closeness to her older sister. Alex explained that Mary's apartment was closer to campus—which it was—although she didn't add that she rarely slept there on the nights she claimed. There were more late night study sessions, only about half of which involved books and other students. Her life was much more complex, but Alex thrilled to the great secret of her first serious romance. It was intoxicating to meet Tom in out of the way places for brief encounters or preparing ruses so that no one knew where she was spending the night. Her older sister was her one ally, and Mary seemed to take as much pleasure as Alex and Tom in the conspiracy. The two sisters frequently giggled over quick cups of coffee after Tom dropped Alex off at Mary's apartment in the morning.

And Tom…Tom was wonderful. Gentle, funny, kind, he reveled in giving Alex pleasure, in making her happy. Alex didn't consider whether they had a future; she lacked the time. She enjoyed what she had.

"I wish," she said one unusually relaxed morning as they lingered in bed, "you were the first."

Tom smiled at her. "That's a very sweet thing to say."

There were clouds in this scenario. Alex's mother decried her lack of social life; Alex's schedule was even more crowded; her already limited contact with other students outside of class became even more restricted. But, in love or something like it, and her classes going well, Alex was blissfully oblivious to any potential storms. Thanks to her work for Tom and his contributions to her closet, her bank account was remarkably healthy, enough so that she considered moving into an apartment or dorm for her sophomore year.

"I plan to take some classes this summer," Alex told Mary one day as she waited for Tom to pick her up. "And work, of course. Unless I really blow my finals—which I WILL NOT—my scholarship will be fine. I'm going to apply for a few more, and think I have a chance at least two or three. With a little luck, I can graduate in three years and head on to the academy."

Her sister turned from the dishes she was drying. "Lexie…you're still sure about police work…and the NYPD? I know Dad's thrilled, but he's also warned you…and so has Mike…and Uncle Tim…"

"And Grandpa and cousin Matt and everyone," Alex laughed. "I know…I know it's what I want…or at least it's what I need to try. I don't want any "what ifs" about this."

Mary shook her head. "Mom will have a fit."

Alex sighed. "I think Mom will have a fit no matter what I do…we're like oil and water…I love her, and I know she loves me, but we just don't click…never have…"

"While you and Dad always seem to connect," Mary laughed.

"Yea, well almost always." Alex smiled. "I don't think he'd be too thrilled about Tom."

Mary handed Alex a cup of coffee. "Seriously, you are having some fun?" she asked. "You don't have to go crazy like me…" Alex grinned. "But you should have some fun in college…you've always been so serious…studied and worked so hard…I don't mean to butt into your life…"

"But you will," Alex laughed.

Mary returned the laugh. "Yea, I will…but you know you scarcely dated in high school, Lexie…you don't have a lot of experience…I don't want you to miss out on things…"

"Hey, you're the one helping me carry on this secret affair," Alex said. "I'm sorry," she said in response to Mary's frown. "Don't worry…both Tom and I…we know it's not that serious…"

"Ok," her sister said, although Alex detected more than a note of skepticism in her voice. Mary turned back to drying the dishes. "Oh," she said over her shoulder. "Guess who I saw yesterday?"

Alex's attention was now on her psychology textbook; it was not her favorite subject, but she believed she should learn how to out think criminals even if she didn't want to know why they did what they did. "Who?" she asked offhandedly.

"Tommy Flynn," her sister said, and a cold hand gripped Alex's heart. She struggled not to choke on her coffee. Mary, fortunately, had her back to Alex. "You dated him in high school for a while, right?"

"Uh…yea." Alex managed to keep her voice even.

"Whatever happened to the two of you?"

Alex tried to act as if her psychology text was the most fascinating book in the world. "He…he was a jerk," she finally said.

"Yea, I heard that from some people after you broke up with him." Mary, drying a glass, turned back to Alex. "Well, the mighty have really fallen. He's working as a janitor or something like that for one of his uncles…and apparently he won't have that much longer if he doesn't stop drinking and smoking pot…"

Alex had the unpleasant feeling of a fascination with the troubles of someone who had hurt her. "Really," she said, trying not to show much interest. "I thought he had a full ride football scholarship somewhere…"

"He did…but I guess he didn't last past the first tests and practices…talk about a flameout…" Mary glanced at Alex. "I'm sorry, Alex…I don't mean to trash him…"

Alex tried to squelch the triumphant feeling that had appeared in her at Mary's description of Tommy Flynn's woes. "It's ok…there's a reason we broke up…"

"You were probably lucky…I heard he got a girl pregnant and pretty much abandoned her…tough break for her…"

Alex silently murmured a prayer of thanks. Tom Wexstein was, fortunately and wonderfully, no Tommy Flynn.

She made few demands on Tom, partly because she was so happy with him and partly because she didn't know what demands she should or could make. She didn't notice Tom's slight anxiety as summer approached, although she did notice that his presents became more frequent and expensive—he even persuaded her to accept a few pieces of jewelry.

One glorious spring morning that held more than a promise of summer they shared breakfast in Tom's small kitchen. Tom hesitantly asked what Alex's summer plans were. Somewhat surprised at the question, Alex revealed her hopes for a few classes, lots of work, and time with Tom. He shifted uncomfortably at the last item.

"No plans for a vacation? Get away for a while?" he asked.

"No…I'm trying to save up so I can move into a dorm…maybe an apartment…which would make things a lot easier for us…" She frowned when Tom didn't respond immediately. "Is something wrong?"

"No…no," he answered quickly. "Just a lot of things on my mind…don't worry…you'll get as many hours as you want…of work and me." He smiled at her.

Alex didn't think about the conversation again; she didn't have time. In the week before her final exams for the spring semester she barely saw Tom, and when she did she failed to register his increasing anxiety. After she finished her last exam, Alex was surprised to discover Tom waiting outside the building for her.

"Hey," she said happily.

"Hey," he answered and escorted her to his latest project, a silver Barracuda. He tossed her backpack in the back seat. "C'mon…let's celebrate…I've go Yankee tickets."

In spite of the Yankees' loss, it was a wonderful evening. As they drove towards Tom's home, Alex saw him giving her a sad smile, the same one she'd seen throughout the evening.

"C'mon," she said. "What's going on?"

Tom studied the road. "You…you're wonderful, Alex…you deserve everything you want in life…"

"You know what I want right now?" she asked playfully. She squeezed his leg. "You…I want you."

He struggled for a moment. "Ok," he said.

Alex made love to Tom with a wild joy that night. She was deliriously happy, celebrating not only her feelings for Tom, but her triumphant first year of college and her sense that she was finally a grownup.

"Thank you," she whispered to Tom as they lay in bed. "For everything…for letting me be with you…you…you've made me a better person…"

He winced and pulled away from her.

Puzzled, she stared at him. "Tom…what's wrong? What did I do?"

"It's not you," he said. "You…you're wonderful…but…"

The "but" shook Alex to her center; Tom couldn't look her in the eye.

"I…I've been trying to tell you…for a long time…but there's never been a good time…and this…this certainly isn't. Maybe there's never a good time for this sort of thing."

Alex took a deep breath. "Oh, no," she thought. "I don't know how to do this…I've never done this…had it done to me…before…"

"Alex…" Tom took her hand. "Like I said…it's not you…please believe me…"

She finally thought she could trust her voice. "Then, what is it?"

"You remember…I told you…there was someone…but we…were in a sort of holding…a time out…period?"

Alex nodded; Tom had been honest about that—he'd always been honest about everything with her.

"She's…she's coming back here for an internship…and she…she liked for us…to try…" Tom swallowed. "And…the truth is…I'd like that too."

"Does she…know about me?"

"Not…you specifically…" Tom answered softly. "But we both know…we didn't make any promises…"

Alex slipped out of the bed and reached for her clothes.

"Alex…please…" Tom pleaded. "I…I don't want to…I never meant to hurt you…"

She pulled on her jeans. "How…how long have you known?" She slipped on her bra and shirt in the following silence.

"About…about a month," he finally confessed.

"A month?" She was surprised and a bit proud at how calm she sounded.

"I kept trying to tell you…" Tom stared down at the sheets. "But…I…I was a coward…I didn't want to hurt you…and…I didn't want to let you go…it was selfish…but…I didn't want to let you go…not at work…not here…"

"I understand," Alex heard her voice say, and, with a shock, she realized she could. "Do you want me to leave the job?"

"I…no…you…your work is great…we need you…if it's not too awful for you…" Tom didn't know how to respond to Alex's quiet reaction.

"I'd like to try it." Alex had her shoes on, and she stood to retrieve her backpack. "If it gets too awkward or strange, I'll go. I can find another job…I'm sure you'll give me a good reference…"

"The best…please, Alex…let me take you home…"

She violently shook her head. "No…Tom…please…" Her voice broke for the first time.

"Alex…please…scream at me…get angry…rage…this…this is my fault." He started to get out of bed.

"No!" She shouted. She hoisted her bag on her shoulders. "I knew what I was getting into…we both knew this wasn't permanent…I'm not a child…"

"Alex…"

She stopped for a moment at the bedroom door. "Please, Tom…don't stop me or I won't be able to go…"

Her words stopped him at the edge of the bed.

"Thank you…for everything…Tom…thank you."

She was gone before he could see her tears.

End Chapter Eight