This is a short one, just getting back into the gaming/writing dynamic after giving up on learning military jargon to pepper the script. I still have not had the nerve to ask anyone to proofread, so please review.

Thank you, kiwibliss, for the support and prompt review! Your work inspires me.

Entry 13

After a few complications, Miranda's sister is safe. She seems well adjusted and even happy. I am sure she can teach Miranda a thing or two, and help her see that she is more than the sum of her genetically engineered parts.

I asked Thane to come with me to the Commercial Spaceport to recruit Samara. He has been on this planet for a while and is acquainted with the dynamics. I am also curious to see him in action, as part of a team. Someday I'll ask him to teach me some of his hand-to-hand combat technique. Garrus helped me refine my sniper skills, but my unarmed combat is lacking, and Mr. Krios is an artist in that field.

Samara is also an impressive warrior, with both power and grace. Having them fight by my side will be quite an honour. I find myself looking forward to it, almost as much as I look forward to conversing with them. This scares me. I have to believe there is more than the battlefield, that at one point, we'll get through to a time of peace ...somehow.

For now, peace and calm elude me. I cannot lose myself in training as usual, even when I drive myself to exhaustion. Alone in my quarters, I am fidgety, restless, wanting.

Entry 16

Everyone has different and sometimes conflicting ideas about our mission. Tali is sure we'll succeed and survive, and apparently so is Miranda, amazingly enough. Garrus knows not everyone will come back, and so does Dr. Chakwas. Samara is incurious and following her path, with remarkable serenity. Thane seems resigned to his death, and just wants to leave the universe better than he found it. Failure has seemed to disappear from our vocabulary, and I'm strangely empowered by this.

Garrus, however, is back to his dark moods. We must find resolution to his problem before there is a chance for him to truly live and find peace. Kelly does what she can, but she knows not to intrude in his brooding. We will go to the Citadel and he will work this out, one way or another.

I have discarded the idea of asking Thane to train me. Instead, I find myself at his door almost as soon as my thoughts start to wander. Most of the time, I turn around and go back to my duties There is always something that requires The Commander Shepard's attention, after all. But when I do enter the Life Support chamber, I find myself simply being me. He draws me in, with his voice, his gestures, his words. His mind fascinates me, his presence haunts me. We talk, and time and anxiety are suspended.

I still yearn, but now I know what I yearn for, and that makes all the difference.

Entry 21

Traps, deceit, betrayal. As if what we are facing is not dark enough, I am tricked into endangering my crew. I almost lost Jack in that "disabled ship" and now TIM expects me to board a reaper? Desperate times, desperate measures. Simple words with a very cruel meaning. I need to be clear-headed for my crew, for the mission. I wish I could find clarity in meditation, but I have not learned the discipline, so my rage screams for another thresher maw to fight.

The IFF will have to wait. Before I take another big step into potential catastrophe, there are two things I HAVE to do: reinforce and upgrade the Normandy as much as possible, and train my squad.

I have gathered an impressive group of recruits, yet that does not make a team. They are not soldiers, but highly individualistic warriors. They must learn to use their unique strengths to complement each other, cover one another, trust each other and my leadership. So while we are seemingly wasting time, gathering resources and running errands for the Alliance or Cerberus, we are really learning this intricate dance, building bonds and skills that will ultimately, hopefully, bring us all back in one piece. This is the greatest challenge I have ever faced.

I will regain my focus with dedication. If I concentrate on each step, I will have no time for fear.

Entry 22

I guess this was unavoidable. This Normandy is not an Alliance vessel, her crew members are not career soldiers. No regs or rules against fraternization. So far we have carried on without big complications. Close, but trust Joker to talk his way out of trouble and into Gabby's heart.

But that is not what's on my mind. Not exactly. After the "disabled ship" fiasco I had been avoiding Thane; he can always see right through me, and I was too troubled to lower my defenses. I thought he wouldn't notice, but I was fooling myself. After the last mission, he subtly guided me from the shuttle to Life Support, and I, lost in conversation, blindly followed him.

He asked no questions, made no remarks, simply …talked. And that was all I needed. My walls came tumbling down while we talked about nothing and everything, memories and dreams. As I was heading out he reached out to me. It seems I'm not the only one who craves our conversations. It should unsettle me how easily he can evoke in me the calm and focus I was so desperately seeking. It should.. but instead I reach back and hope for more.