Jack fell in beside Sam as she stepped out the door. He hadn't, of course, been waiting for her outside the infirmary. He'd walked down there with Teal'c on a mission from General Hammond. The fact it had also given him an opportunity to check on Major Carter's condition had simply been an added bonus.
"Hey, Carter."
She nodded at him. "Sir."
He gestured to her bandaged hand. "How's the burn?"
Sam held it up for his inspection. "Not too bad, really."
They paused in their walk through the halls as he caught her hand in his. Turning it over, he gently probed the bandages with one finger. She flinched slightly, and he stopped. "Not too bad, huh?" he asked, catching her eye.
"Well, it could have been a whole lot worse," she admitted, dropping her gaze from his.
"Yeah, Teal'c and I just came from the Control Room. That place is fried." He tried to smile.
Sam wasn't fooled. She looked back up at him, slipping her hand from his as she did so. He tried not to miss the feel of her fingers, soft and warm as they'd curled against his palm "It's just a burn, Sir. I'm okay."
"Yeah…," he repeated, searching her eyes for the truth. She held his gaze. Satisfied she really was alright, he moved on to the real reason he'd gone to find her, "But, hey! Hammond's sent all the data over to your lab for analysis. Daniel's waiting for you there, now. So there's that…"
Her face lit up, the injured hand forgotten. "Really?" She started walking forward again and he went with her.
"Yup."
He could tell her thoughts were already in her lab. "Only… if the computers are still down, it's not going to be easy, we'll have to…"
Her voice trailed off, and she bit her lip, catching her grin between her teeth. She must have noticed the glazed look on his face, because she apologized, "Sorry, Sir… It's just…"
He smiled. Even though he couldn't understand it, her enthusiasm was contagious. "It's okay, Carter. Whatever turns you on." She froze, and he realized what he'd said. "I mean… You know…"
This time the giggle escaped. "It's okay, sir. I understand." Sometimes, he got the distinct impression she was patronizing him. By now, though, they had reached the elevators. She punched the button. "You coming?" she asked.
"No, I'll wait for the next one. I gotta get back to my office. Hammond has promised to skin me alive if I don't reduce that mountain of paperwork on my desk to at least something closer to a hill. "
She raised an eyebrow at him, "Skin you alive?"
"Well…" He waved his hands vaguely in the air. "Something like that…"
She laughed again. "Okay, Sir." The elevator door opened and she stepped inside. "Well, see you later."
"Yup."
Then the door closed, and she was gone.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
Sam lay under the thin infirmary blanket, connected through a thousand wires and tubes to the very best medical technology the planet had to offer, the room silent around her save for the beep of the computers and the ever-present hum of the base. Yet Jack would swear he could hear her heartbeat, low and steady. And the soft whisper of air passing through her lips: in-and-out… in-and-out…. Her chest rising and falling with each breath.
She was alive.
Now.
But it had been so close…
He had come so close….
Again.
And it would have been his fault, too. Again. Only this time, he had actually pulled the trigger himself, choosing in that instant he'd looked into her eyes and seen someone else staring back at him - someone absolutely malevolent - to end her life. He'd had to save the base. To save Earth… To save her. Because he'd known that, even if some part of Sam remained inside, buried somewhere beneath the entity which possessed her, death had to be preferable to living like that.
Even now, he knew he'd been correct. He'd made the right choice. Only… that wasn't his greatest sin. Not really.
He'd nearly killed her - killed Sam - but not by pulling the trigger on that Zat. Because he knew now why the entity had been so interested in him, following him with the cameras while ignoring nearly everybody else. It had read his records; it knew he was its greatest threat.
No, the entity hadn't targeted Sam.
It had targeted him. Sam had simply been collateral damage, the threat to her nothing more than a means to neutralize him and the threat he represented. And it was his fault because he'd let it see. Shown it he cared about her… that she was special to him not simply as an Air Force officer or a member of his team, but because she was Sam. So it had attacked not him, but her.
It was his fault.
And he'd be damned before he'd let it happen again.
Which was why he had to say goodbye to her now, before he hurt her again or someone else hurt her because of him. Or, at the very least, he had to say goodbye to the idea that she was something more to him… that she might one day be something more to him… than simply Major Carter, his second-in-command.
He had to stop loving her before he lost her completely. They'd been lucky this time. They wouldn't be as lucky again.
And he knew now, too, that if the worst did happen…
He couldn't live through that again. He wouldn't. Because he'd survived it before, once. Barely. Struggling to get through every day with a hole in his life - in his heart. Slowly bleeding away until only a shadow remained of what he had been.
A shadow she had saved him from, brought him back from… Made him, finally, really feel again. Despite himself.
Damn her. Damn it all.
He couldn't….
He had to let her go. Now. Before it really was too late. It was better for her that way. She'd get over him and move on, he was certain of that, and maybe even find real happiness with someone else. Someone who could actually give her everything she deserved. Someone without all his dark baggage.
And eventually, he was sure, he'd get over her too. One day, the very thought of her not being his wouldn't be a knife twisting in his gut; he wouldn't crave her smile like he needed oxygen.
No. He'd be fine. He was sure of it. One day.
At least he'd still have Major Carter, standing at his side and watching his back. And he'd rather have her like that, with him like that, then risk losing her completely.
Yeah. He'd be okay. They both would.
Jack stood up and stepped toward the door.
"Sir?" Her voice was paper thin, barely more than a whisper. It nearly broke him. But at least it was hers.
He forced the air out of his lungs, remembering to breathe. Turning back to the bed, he asked, "Yeah?"
"Don't go…"
"Carter, I've got…"
"Please? I don't want to be alone. Not again…" Her blue eyes pleaded with him more eloquently than words ever could. Defeated, he sat back down.
"Sure, for a little while."
She smiled faintly. "Thank you, Sir."
He returned her smile as best he could, hoping she wouldn't read the truth in his eyes. At least not yet. "No problem."
Sam closed her eyes again and, a very few minutes later, fell back asleep. Jack sat with her, watching her for a few more precious minutes, letting himself have one last long real look at her. Drinking in the sight of her. Then, as quietly as he could, he stood up and left the room.