4

Marissa spent the first week after Alex' death at the Cohens. There were times when she would just sit around and keep silent for hours, unmoving as if she was dead herself. Then, sometimes, she would suddenly keep talking and talking, about everything and anything, until she would fall quiet all of a sudden and start crying. There was always at least one person there to look after her, be it Summer, another friend or even her mother.

The day of the funeral came. Everyone had been worried that Marissa might collapse during the ceremony. But Marissa was strangely calm. It all felt like a dream to her and she sleep-walked through the burial and funeral feast. She went home with the Cohens afterwards and everyone went to bed early, exhausted from the day's events. Marissa laid down on the bed of the guest room, but instead of falling asleep, she was suddenly wide awake. Slowly it began to dawn on her that Alex had just been buried.

It was like a déjà vu. The last time she had stayed in this room she had thought she had lost Alex forever. But they had made up and she had moved back into their little house. But now Alex was gone. Gone for good. Forever.

Marissa got up and left the house quietly. She needed to be with her. Now.

Marissa stood in front of the wooden cross marking Alex' grave. She realized that she hadn't really taken much in during the burial earlier. She now read the words on the cross for the first time, repeating them again and again in her head. Here lies Alex Kelly. Alex Kelly. Alex…

The image of Alex, lying in a coffin, being lowered into the earth, exactly at this spot, was stuck in her head. Marissa tried to remember Alex the way she used to be, but only the picture of Alex' coffin filled her mind.

Marissa suddenly felt an unstoppable urge to be near to Alex and she kneeled down on the fresh, soft earth in front of the grave. She pushed away some of the many flowers that had been put here earlier by Alex' relatives and friends, and dug her fingers into the dark brown soil, trying to feel her, to feel anything but emptiness. She bent forward and rested her right cheek on the grave. The smell of humid earth filled her nose and she felt dirt beneath her fingernails. She closed her eyes and slowly memories of Alex filled her mind. She saw Alex, laughing happily, pushing back a strand of blonde hair. She inhaled deeply and smelled Alex all around her. Suddenly, Marissa felt safe. If she opened her eyes now, she would find Alex lying next to her in their bed. They would awake together, smile at each other.

Tears slowly streaked down Marissa's cheeks, but she didn't even notice it, nor did she notice the soft rain that had begun to fall.

When Marissa opened her eyes again, all she saw at first was darkness. She smiled softly, as the remainders of a beautiful dream flowed through her mind. It took her a few more peaceful moments, before she remembered where she was. The smile faded from her face and she slowly lifted her head and body until she was in a kneeling position. She brushed earth off her face and looked at the grave in front of her. She felt terribly alone. Where are you?

Memory flashes of her waiting for Alex… waiting, waiting, but Alex never coming home. Why didn't you come home, why? She imagined the situation how it should have been. Alex coming home from work, entering their bedroom, finding Marissa awake, a smile spreading on her lips, soon turning into a mischievous smirk…

Marissa stood up and leaned back her head. She felt the soft rain wash away earth and tears, and suddenly she felt her.

"Alex," she whispered. The sound of her own throaty voice vocalizing Alex' name sent chills down her spine. "I will always love you. I know you can hear me – I can feel your presence."

She swallowed hard and looked down at the grave one last time. Some of the flowers were already beginning to wilt, though they had been put here mere hours ago. How ironical, Marissa thought. You kill flowers to honour someone dead. Death in return for death.

She turned away and walked towards the exit of the graveyard, not looking right or left. I wish I was one of those flowers…

Marissa went home to the Cohens, this time falling asleep almost immediately. The feeling of Alex' presence lasted for hours and followed her into her dreams.

The next morning she wondered whether she had really been at the graveyard that night. She decided it had probably only been a dream, until she looked into a mirror in the bathroom and saw little remainders of dark earth all over her face. She felt goose bumps all over her body as she remembered the feeling of Alex' presence. The feeling was equally scary – and simply beautiful and comforting. Had she met Alex' ghost last night?

That day, Marissa announced that she would move back into her and Alex' apartment. The sensation of peace and comfort left her again soon, and she hoped she might be able to feel Alex' presence again, there. Though her friends and family were not happy about it, she went back home the same day.

It was in the early afternoon when Marissa had gathered her few belongings she had taken to the Cohen's and went downstairs to leave.

She was halfway down the stairs when she saw her mother sitting in the living room with Kirsten. On seeing her daughter, Julie immediately stood up and rushed forward to meet her.

"Hey, honey," she said, her voice full of concern. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Marissa lied, trying to sound cheery, but failing miserably.

Julie pulled her daughter into a hug and though something inside Marissa was screaming for her to let go, she didn't move. At least it makes one of us feel better, Marissa thought after Julie had let her go with a little smile on her face.

"You know, honey, you don't have to live alone. You can come and live with me – or stay here. You're welcome to stay…right Kirsten?" Julie shot a glance at Kirsten who smiled warmly at Marissa.

"Of course you are," she said gently. "I think I have said this before, but the guest room is all yours as long as you wish to stay."

"Thank you… both," Marissa said emotionlessly, looking from her mother to Kirsten. "I appreciate that… I really do. But I'm fine, and I want to go home." Marissa's voice faltered slightly at the last words, but she cleared her throat and shot the two older women a determined glance.

"I really don't know if that's too good for you right now, Marissa…" Julie said, an undertone of authority and even anger mixing with the concern in her voice. "I don't think you should be alone."

"Mom, It's not like I won't come over and see you guys. But I want to live in my home. Are you going to try to stop me?" Marissa demanded, somewhat desperately.

"You know, actually I could. You are not yet an adult…"

"I can't believe you're actually doing this now, mom. Now. I –"

Julie's face paled as she realized she would lose her daughter if she went on like this.

"No, Marissa, I'm so sorry. I'm just terribly worried. I- We'll talk about this another time. Go ahead and live in your apartment for now, if you really think it's best for you. But call me, regularly, okay?"

"Mom…" Marissa was getting tired of this conversation and the whole situation and wished for nothing else but to finally go home.

"Please understand, Marissa, that I'm just terribly worried about you. You lost someone who was very close to you–"

"Yeah, okay, I get it," Marissa said quickly. She did not want her mother to start talking about Alex. "I'll call you, okay? But I really have to go now."

Julie nodded though she didn't seem happy with the outcome of their talk.

After Marissa had left, Julie felt someone place a hand on her shoulder.

"She'll be alright," Kirsten said soothingly. "She'll find a way. She's no naïve little girl anymore. She's a strong woman who knows how to go her own way and is capable of making her own decisions."

"Yes… That's what frightens me," Julie said quietly, and something in her voice made Kirsten shudder.

When Marissa stepped into her apartment fifteen minutes later, she was overwhelmed by emotions. She slowly wandered through the rooms, taking in all of the details, remembering all kinds of wonderful situations she had experienced here with Alex.

She went into the bedroom and looked down at the side of the bed where Alex used to sleep. She brushed over the pillow with her fingers, imagining Alex lying there, dreaming of a future she would now never have.

Marissa picked up the pillow and slowly pressed it against her face, inhaling deeply and letting Alex' smell fill her. She brushed off her shoes and then lay down on the bed, shutting her eyes tightly, allowing images of her lost love to fill her head.

Marissa awoke again a few hours later, feeling hungry and cold. She stood up and went into bathroom. After taking a warm shower she went into kitchen in search of something edible, finally choosing an apple, the only food that didn't make her want to throw up at the mere sight of it. As she stood there, chewing the sour, green fruit, she felt herself becoming restless and nervous.

There were some quiet moments when she was more or less able to deal with her situation, as in the bedroom before, and others when the mere thought of her loss threatened to drive her into insanity. This was one of those moments and she felt she had to do something.

She threw the remainders of the apple away, having lost the little appetite she had had, and changed into a low-cut shirt and a fresh pair of jeans. Then she grabbed her purse and left the house, heading for her car, but then choosing to take Alex' jeep instead.

While she was driving down the road all her worries were put aside for a moment, as she concentrated on driving safely.

About halfway to her destination, her cell rang and she answered it without looking at the caller's ID.

"Hello?"

"Hey Coop! Where are you? I'm in front of your house and I've been ringing the goddamn bell for over five minutes now!"

"Oh, hey Summer," Marissa said, recognizing her best friend's voice. "Well, I can't open the door, as I am not home."

"Yeah, I kinda guessed as much by now. So where are you?"

"I'm on the road… What are doing at my place anyways?"

"I just wanted to pay you a visit… You now, just hang, talk and watch a DVD or something."

"That's nice of you, but as I said I'm on the road. So… maybe we could just do that tomorrow or something?" Marissa suggested, in her heart knowing that she had no intentions of doing that.

"Yeah, I guess… But Coop, if you don't mind me asking, where are you driving?"

"Oh… just, you know, over to the city."

"What? You mean to LA?!"

"Yeah… Just need some change…"

"Well then, I'll come over too. I'll join you!"

"No! No… really, Summer, I'm alright. Don't worry bout me."

"I don't know, Coop…"

"Look, I'll call you if I need anything, alright?"

"Well, okay…"

"Good. So, I'll see you tomorrow Sum. Love ya."

"…Yeah… I love you, too, Riss. Please take care of yourself," Summer said, the last sentence only coming out as a whisper. Marissa hung up and Summer felt goose bumps erupt all over her arms and her back. Oh God, please let her be alright, Summer prayed quietly, trying to ignore the foreboding of a disaster that was slowly creeping into her mind.

Marissa had just said she loved her. She never did that, at least not over the phone. So why would she do that now?

I can't help you now, Coop, Summer thought sadly, slowly going back to her car parked in front of Marissa's apartment. I can't tell you what you ought to do, I can't tell you how to live your life. But please, don't give up. Summer shuddered, praying that she would get a chance to actually tell her best friend exactly those words.

An hour later, Marissa parked the jeep in a somewhat shabby corner of LA. She walked down the dark streets for a few minutes, shivering in her thin shirt, until she found the club she had come here for. A few people were admitted before her, then it was her turn. The bouncers, two large muscle-bound guys, looked her up and down and then waved her inside without asking for her ID. Marissa paid the entrance fee and then entered the crowded dance floors. She squeezed past all the dancing and sweating people and headed straight for the bar.

"One vodka tonic, please."

The barwoman looked at her skeptically, but Marissa just put the money on the bar and the woman took it, shrugging her shoulders. Once she had gotten her drink, she drained it in no time and ordered another one. After her third glass she felt the alcohol beginning to work. With another drink in her hand she walked over to the dance floor, mingling with the other people.

She began moving with the music and felt the beat direct her moves. She felt sweat running down her body and took another sip of her drink to cool herself. She looked around, everything and everybody seemed to be moving in slow-motion. Though she felt other sweaty bodies touch her own, she felt as if she was far away from everything, even the music sounded as if it came from a large distance. But the beat inside her remained, dictating her every move.

Marissa emptied her drink and pushed her glass into someone's hand, not minding to look if they actually took it. She took something out of her purse, locking her fist around it, and continued dancing, now with her eyes closed.

She opened them again when she felt someone touch her arm. She blinked a few times before she was able to make out an obviously drunk guy, probably aged something between thirty and forty, smiling down at her lustfully. Marissa smiled back and looked down at his half-full drink. He held it up, offering it to her, and continued rubbing up and down Marissa's arm. She took a large gulp and felt the high-percentage alcohol burn in her throat. She handed the glass back to its owner and then pushed past the sleazy guy, who was too drunk to react fast enough and hold her back, moving away a few meters until she was sure he would not find her again.

The beat took hold of her again, synchronizing her heartbeat and she let the music lead her for some more time.

Then she stopped and looked around in the dimly-light dance floor. There were dozens of people around her, but nobody took notice of her. Some people were practically touching her, but still she was alone. And this time she welcomed it.

Marissa slowly opened her fist, which had been clenched shut tightly for what seemed like ages now, and looked down at the little white pills.

Long ago, she had once told Ryan that she had only wanted to escape. Yes, that was what she wanted now, too. To escape. To escape from a world that had nothing left for her. To escape into the arms of the only person who was more dear to her than her own life.

Today, 'escaping' meant something different to her than it did in Tijuana. She had still been half a child then. But she had left the last bit of her childhood behind her the day she had seen Alex lying on the street, cold and dead.

Two years ago, Ryan had been there to save her. This time she was alone. There would be no returning from this escape.

I'm coming, Alex. I'm coming, Marissa thought shoving the painkillers into her mouth. She inhaled deeply and then washed the pills down with some guy's drink who was too stoned and drunk to even notice her taking it.

I'm coming, Marissa thought again and tried to picture Alex clearly in her mind. But the alcohol consume was now paying its toll and her mind was too dazed to allow her to reminisce. In addition, she was now beginning to feel sick and cold with the icy sweat covering her body.

This was not how she had imagined it all. She wanted to pass her last moments thinking of Alex, remembering their most wonderful moments, and so join her in a peaceful state of mind. But all she was feeling now was – physical and mental – pain.

"Dammit," Marissa mumbled. "This is not how I want it."

She staggered towards the lady's room and locked herself into a stall. She hesitated for another second – then she stuck her finger into her throat.

Shortly afterwards, Marissa staggered out of the club, walking back to the car as fast as she could without stumbling – which was not very fast. She was still feeling sick and additionally she now had the sour taste of vomit in her mouth.

When she finally reached the jeep and curled up in the driver's seat she silently cursed herself for not having taken her own car, as the jeep had no top.

But then she smelled Alex' smell all over the seat and she didn't mind any longer.

"I'm coming soon, Alex," she mumbled before falling into a deep and dreamless sleep.

The next day Marissa awoke with a terrible headache and a stiff neck. Groaning, she slowly opened her eyes and within seconds last night's events came back to her. She groaned again and looked around.

The sun was already shining high in the sky, but even in daylight the street looked rather shabby. Marissa suddenly realized how incredibly lucky she was to have survived the night unharmed. Anyone could have just come up to the open jeep and raped or even killed her.

She shuddered and noticed that she was covered with the blanket Alex always kept in the back of the jeep. How strange. She couldn't remember having taken it out. But then again it was a half a miracle she could remember anything at all. Hell, I was so damn stupid, Marissa thought. Being raped is really the last thing I'd need right now.

Marissa got out of the car and walked around for a few moments to get the circulation going. She probably still had to much alcohol in her blood to drive legally, but little enough to drive more or less safely. Feeling a little better, she got back into the jeep and began her ride home, wanting to leave the place –and the events connected to it – behind her as fast as possible.

A/N: Okay, this update took me longer than I thought it would… I'll try to update faster next time.

I really needed a Marissa-centered chapter at this point… but for those of you that love Alex as much as I do, she'll be back in the next chap! :D