Chapter 8: Learning to Trust

They've taken me in completely, accepted me into this home and let me stay. We're eating diner now. The angel, whose name I've learned is Nelari sits off to my right, her mother Kelur is on my left, and directly to my front is her father, Luhar.

I have told them nothing about my family, about me, only, only the fact that I have to find my brother.

I stare at the food in front of me and sob, dropping the fork as the memory of Raph bound and muzzled enters my head, how hungry he was. I'm aware that I'm moving toward the room they let me stay in.

How can I eat while he is hungry?

Someone stops me before I get far.

"Hey," she coaxes, Nelari, "hey what's wrong?"

"I can't," I get out.

"Can't what?" she whispers.

"He could be starving…I can't…I can't eat that," I manage, "my father would-"

I freeze when I realize I nearly told them about how much of a ridged life I lived. How my father ruled over me with aniron fist.

At first, he never knew about it. The things that he said were wrong with me. I learned later in life what they were. I have severe OCD tendencies…Master Splinter thought I was Autistic at first…figured I'd never be able to do anything worthwhile. But he saw that I wasn't, he trained me to be a leader…a weapon.

I stopped being Leonardo years ago and started being simply "him" or "fearless leader", Raph always called me that when we were younger, he heard Master Splinter tell me that a leader must be fearless and started teasing me about it. At first, the training made me feel good, I was showing my father that I was worth something, but slowly I realized that I was being cut off from my family. That I was being separated from my brothers, slowly the tight bond that we had, began to fray…and eventually fall away completely. I have nothing in common with my brothers other than our training, haven't since we were kids.

I pull away and close the door to my room in desperation, I just want to go home, I can't afford to waste time here.

With tears rolling down my cheeks I gather my swords and jacket before starting to open the window.

"Wait," Luhar calls.

I pause half expecting the sharp command to kneel and the slap that would follow.

Failure was never an option.

I turn and slowly sink to my knees, I cringe as he moves, expecting the blow. Then I feel a gentle hand on my chin as my head turns I see the kind, though worried, look on Luhar's face.

"Did your father hit you?" he whispers.

I start shaking and look away, try to.

"Look at me," he coaxes.

My eyes flick back toward him as he repeats the question.

"I'm useless," I mumble, "I'm a weapon that's all."

He's quiet for a while and then to my shock he pulls me into a hug.

"Come here young man, shhh," he whispers.

I find myself crying, slowly I lean into the hug and simply weep. He rocks me a little and talks softly.

It would take me another three weeks to venture back into the main rooms. Luhar has been scouring the slave markets looking for Raph. They finally know my name, though they say it differently, Leh'yadar rather than Leonardo.

I jump as my door opens, it's the angel, Nelari.

"Leh'ya dad found him! He found your brother!" she gasps.

I scramble to my feet and bolt toward the door, nearly knocking her over in the process. I come into the main room and hear him, I hear Raph.

"GET YOUR HAND OFF ME!" he roars, "I'M NOBODY'S PET!"

"RAPH!" I cry as I see him.

He rounds on me and freezes.

"Leo?" he whispers.

I tremble as I see his battered frame.

I jerk awake and sob, it was only a dream. I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I hunch tight and nervously glance up to see Nelari leaning over me.

"Are you ok?" she whispers.

She's in her night clothes and I realize that her parents are in the door way.

"You were screaming," she whispers.

I hunch tighter and look away.

"I'm fine," I mumble.

She's beautiful, a Teripen like her parents, like me. Her skin is pale cream, toned, with yellow markings and her hair is golden toned her eyes the clearest blue. But I don't dare pursue her, my father made it clear, if female like us were to turn up, my brothers have the right to pursue first. I was to be the last one to touch a woman, to pursue one. I have no right to happiness.

"We won't hurt you," she whispers, I realize I'm hunched so tight that I'm nearly in a fetal position.

I force myself to relax and nod.

"I'm fine," I mumble.

Then to my shock she presses a kiss to my forehead, I freeze.

"Ok, get some rest," she whispers.

She smells like orchids, she kissed me, my heart shatters in agony. I can't, no matter how much I like her, I can't.

I hear my door click closed, but sleep doesn't come, I lay awake most of the night, tossing and turning, thinking about who I am and who I want to be. In the end I make a choice that changes my life forever.

I choose to be who I want to be. I will find my brother and take him home, but, if Nelari will have me…I'll ask her, I'll live here, I'll fight to end slavery with her father.

I'll leave the family that cuts me off behind. Let Raph be the leader, he wants it more than I do anyway.

The next morning I walk out and stand with my shoulders hunched, stand in the shadows as they eat and wait to be acknowledged. I wait, silent, unwilling to interrupt them.

"Well? Are you going to join us?" I hear Kelur coax.

I blink and nervously step out toward them.

"If it's ok," I mumble.

"If its ok?" Nelari asks, "of course its ok, get over here you goof."

I blink, before slowly walking over and hesitantly taking the seat beside her.

It's two days later when I'm helping Nelari with her garden that she asks me about my family.

"What are your brothers like?" she asks.

"They have hobbies," I mumble, "they…they have time on their hands."

"And you?" she whispers, pausing to look at me.

"I'm a weapon," I reply.

She gaps and I flinch, great, I scared her. Good work Leo.

Then I feel her hand on my mine and look at her.

"You don't have any hobbies?" she coaxes.

I look away as I shake my head.

"I…my sole purpose is to protect my family…to lead them…nothing more," I whisper.

"Why?" she whispers, still holding my hand mind you, "How could your father be so cold?"

I look at her, into those blue eyes and then look away.

"I have problems," I whisper, nervously adjusting the piles of weeds that I've pulled up. Master Splinter would've gotten angry for my need to straighten that out.

"I hate to be blunt Leh'ya but what problems? What problems other than the ones he forced into you? You've got a good heart. You only want to find your brother, it's by my pleas that you do anything else but mope and hide away. Leh'ya look at me please," she ends in a whisper.

"I have severe OCD," I mumble, " and my father thinks I have autistic tendencies."

She blinks and then takes my hands.

"Look at me," she coaxes.

I slowly raise my eyes to hers, I feel like I could drown they are so blue, so kind though, so caring.

"You aren't Autistic," she tells me, "you talk to us, you socialize, even if you are quiet, Leo its not because you are like that. You understand how society works. OCD is sometimes hard to deal with but, it's nothing serious. So you have the urge to make things look aligned and straight, so what? Sometimes that's a good thing. The room you've been in is cleaner than I've ever seen it, more organized for sure…stop listening to the man that wants you to be nothing but a weapon and start listening to yourself."

I look away and feel my hands tighten gently around her hands.

"Thank-you," I manage.

She blinks and then smiles.

"You are welcome," she gives me a caste kiss on the cheek before turning back to her gardening.

I can't help but smile a little.

"I still have to find him though," I whisper.

"We'll help you," she replies without looking up, "my dad is still looking, once you've gathered yourself again he'll let you help ."

I nod and gently brush back her hair for her. She smiles at me and then goes back to working on the garden.

I feel light, like a heavy burden has been taken off my shoulders, maybe things can get better after all.

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