Chapter 20: Guardian in the Dark

I wake in a room, bandages wrap around my battered frame.

I seek out the fog and wait, not daring to move.

I leave what I later learn is the infirmary weeks later back to working.

I don't remember this…this moving of stone.

But I work.

Why not?

I have nothing else to offer.

My grief comes back full force.

Nel…the unborn child…

I weep when I curl tight into the crevice I sleep in. I grieve, I slice my hands and arms against the sharp edges of the rock.

Let me die.

Let me die.

I have nothing.

I am nothing.

Let me die.

~*~

It's two weeks later, when I'm stumbling toward my hole, when I'm grabbed from behind and roughly taken.

Even the men around here know how to use me.

~*~

It continues, gets to the point where as long as they feed me, I let them.

Then…one day my life changes forever.

I see him.

Raph.

After all this time…he found me.

I pull away…not daring to let him touch me.

In the time that I avoid him, my "partner" abuses me further.

My eyes become infected and my sight vanishes.

I am passed around.

I bleed.

They don't care.

I weep.

They don't care.

I plead.

They don't care.

I can't see anymore, my boots are stolen and my feet are ripped to shreds.

My jacket is stolen and I shiver at night.

I daren't attempt to clean myself.

They will only make me filthy again.

I need to feel clean though.

I sob as I stagger toward the river, terrified that I will be roughly grabbed and thrown down.

I make it to the edge of the water and slowly lower myself in, then I get a thought.

It's not seppuku but it is a suicide.

I steel myself for this task.

I will drown myself.

I will restore my family's honor.

As I stumble out into the fast current I whimper as I lose my footing, cry out as I go down.

Someone catches me, cradles me.

A soft crunning fills my ears.

A comforting sound, I am only afraid.

Will he use me too?

Say it is simply payment for the act of rescuing me?

Then I fell him urging me to lean into him and shiver as he continues to cradle me.

Then, I smell, and start sobbing.

It's Raph…oh its Raph.

I weep against him, plead to not be left alone.

Plead to be forgiven.

I barely get the words out.

But he guides me, standing behind.

I sob when the most terrifying thought reaches me.

Will he use me?

I couldn't stand that…I'd die from the shame.

Just kill me, Raph don't do that to me!

I jump as water hit's the back of my legs.

It scares me so bad I try to run away.

I am cradled again.

Then slowly, he cleans me.

Gets rid of the dirt, the grime, the filth.

It stings around my eyes and my other injured areas.

Soap.

He has soap.

I whimper as he washes me.

Makes me clean.

He won't give me my pants back though.

I hear children playing quietly.

I bow my head and fight the terrified trembling.

He is going to do it, in front of children.

His kids?

To show them that he hates me perhaps...that he controls his older brother.

I'm so hungry for contact, someone to care even a little bit…I'm willing to let him.

No matter how much it destroys me.

Perhaps my father will count it as penance for losing my honor in the first place.

I shiver as he bades me to stand, then to my shock he presses pants into my hands and helps me put them on.

Clean pants. Warm pants.

New.

I weep and cling tightly to him, he holds me for a while and then leaves, gently pulling my arms away and leaving.

I silence my sobs, huddle tight, pulling my legs close and hunching over my knees.

He is leaving me…leaving.

At least he cared for a time, cared enough to clothe me, to clean me.

Is it because Master Splinter would've wanted him to?

Most likely.

I sit very still, not daring to move, not daring to find out this is a dream.

Then I jump as something touches my hand, nearly bolt away.

But find him there, holding me, comforting me.

Raph.

Oh Raph…you came back.

He holds me and presses something into my hands.

Shoes?

He…he's giving me shoes?

I feel tears fall as the shoes are put on, first socks, socks that cover my mangled feet, and then shoes to protect them.

He lets me lean against him, holds me tight.

I fall asleep there, relaxing as he comforts me, drifting off.

Then I wake with a start as he whistles, twice.

I tremble a little then hear soft laughter, giggles.

Children.

His kids.

I wait, sure that I will be left alone.

But he comes to me, holds me.

That night I am welcomed, though I can't bear to sleep huddled together as they do.

I rest.

I heal.

My brother is watching over me.

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