A/N: It's been a while, but here goes another chapter, enjoy.

Chapter 3:

Drowning slowly

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The hit meant nothing to you, it hurts sure, but your feet don't feel the ground below you anymore so you know something far far worse is just about to knock on your door.

You are falling.

Your uniform flutters and you know that you just went over the edge, literally.

And then you fall down and crash hard into the surface below, the air is kicked out of your lungs. You try to breathe. You don't know that you'll never be able breathe again yet. From now on oxygen will be just a distant memory, a photo of a dead relative.

You can't move, everything hurts as you try to stand up. You probably hit your head, the growing warm spot on your scalp proves the point.

And as you're laying there, desperately trying to catch your breath, you hear a faint cracking behind you. Twisting your head you realize you're lying on ice. A lake? A pond? You can't remember, if your head just stopped beating, your skull feels like a can of cola someone threw against the wall – just waiting to burst open.

And then the cracking sound spreads all around you. Then everything falls silent. And then you begin to sink.

Something tells it's all just a dream, but you can't move, your limbs are paralyzed. But still the small voice inside your head was certain.

But this isn't a dream, it feels too familiar, too real.

The absolute cold comes all over you as you try to hold the last of the breath you had in your lungs before you sank, your clothes drenched you begin your slow descent into your water prison.

But still that small voice keeps playing inside your head... Can you trust it? Is it really safe? If it's a dream, why can't you wake up as it says?

And then you give in, fully trusting the voice and you breathe out the last of the air in your lungs.

And you hit the bottom of the flooded pit.

You breathe in water, and it...

-

For ten minutes I was in the kitchen staring at the wall, eating, then mom came. She undid the bandages on my head and cleaned the wound, then she smeared it with antibiotics and bandaged it again. My skull ached so badly I thought I was blind. Mom wouldn't let me have aspirin because the bleeding might start again. She brought me tea, I asked her for a bag of ice. I put the melting cubes on my eyelids. My sister was fooling around. She was rippling like water around us, she didn't talk to me but I heard her small feet whisper across the wood floor. Nobody talked to me. Then mom brought me a mirror and I knew why.

Anyway, there was a frenzy in my head.

I wasn't sure what's true, what was happening.

The dream. I had it again.

And I was so certain that I wouldn't have it.

I went to bathroom and let cold water run into the sink.

"What if reality is all a spell, and you don't really want what you think you want," I told to my reflection. "If dreams are hidden desires and fears, can dreams really foretell our future? Or is it just more of the past?"

My brain was out of track. I felt cold and my hands were shaking.

I was scared.

I turned to look in the cabinet behind the mirror. The usual female gear, mysterious and oddly threatening. I found some aspirin and swallowed it. I hoped I wouldn't fall asleep again. Through the closed door I could hear mom and dad, they talked about how they didn't trust my story. How my grades went to gutter lately, how I probably got into a fight, that from now on I'm considered a delinquent.

My world was crumbling apart, I began to shed my skin. And I felt a rise of something new, something different.

I shoved my head into the sink and the water was very cold.

I came out of the bathroom and my sister was shying away from me. My parents didn't say anything, but I knew what they wanted to say. Probably.

"Well, I'm off," not stalling a second I left the almost cemetery like atmosphere and went to school.

I wanted to disappear, I wanted to go back in time and not get into the fight, I really did. The way I felt I could might as well be walking away from a train-wreck or a car accident. There was something cracking in my hand when I moved my fingers, I couldn't see with my eye, I talked like Rocky Balboa after a fight and there was something filling up in the back of my head. People were looking at me like if I ran away from prison, like if I was out to murder them. Those who had the guts to walk on the same side of the street looked at me through their fingers, they looked at their feet, or they pretended they did something on their cellphone – no eye contact whatsoever.

Oh well, what doesn't kill me... will probably try to kill me again, harder.

I remembered the thug's words. He was in my school, after all.

I had to rest a few times on my way up the hill. Supporting myself with my left hand, I brought up a handkerchief and carefully wiped away sweat off my brow. As I started to walk again, I noticed something.

It started to snow.

I stopped before the gate, there was nobody around anymore. I was late. For a while I just stared with my good eye, thinking.

Why am I going to school in this state anyway? Not like I'm going to change anything. My grades were bad, so bad I practically failed already. And I barely kept myself up. So why? Why was I walking toward the school building.

It wasn't really a dilemma about me being in school or not, it was more of a dilemma about what shocks the God more, me not being in school without any excuse or me showing up with wounds of this extent. But I couldn't pace around it forever, it was better to deal with it right then and there. No more delaying of the important, it was time to take action, grasp the situation, stop coping with the world around you – control it.

And the first step is to accept the reality.

And I tried just that.

I didn't hide the fact that I was beaten up yesterday from the people I passed in the hallway, I rather showed my wounds, showed that we're indeed still animals who fight for territory, fame and glory and control.

"It's him, isn't he?"

"What was his name again? Kyon?"

"Nobody really knows his real name, everybody just calls him that."

"He did what!?"

"Man, that gotta hurt."

"Ewww, icky."

"Can't believe people can just walk away from that..."

"We better stay away, he's dangerous."

My fellow students who never saw me among the mass of others now passionately talked about me behind my back, right in my face. That's the most cruel way of gossip, someone talks badly about you, right before you. You know what I mean, how you walk in the room and people start whispering 'Oh that's him, the Suzumiya guy', laughing right in your face not caring about your own feelings, showing no empathy. And that's the most badass gossip deployed.

Anyway as I walked the hall headed to my class, scaring off my classmates, our homeroom teacher walked up to me.

"Come with me," he said and started to walk away expecting me to follow.

I did just that and soon I figured out where we were going. It was so obvious, but I wasn't going there to be declared a hero. I felt like I was walking to my own execution.

We entered the room and my teacher closed the door behind me, staying there like a watchdog.

Other three people were already in the room, the principal, and two students. The duo from yesterday. The girl sat in an expensive armchair that the principal used for his special guests and the thug was leaning on it. I didn't like the sight, something was off. I knew what was coming, I felt it coming the minute I stopped before the school gate, no, I felt it coming when I woke up today.

"Ah, there you are," the principal gestured toward another chair. "Please have a seat, 'Kyon'."

"You know everything, don't you?" I sat down.

"Yes, that is the reason you were called," the principal closed some document file and stood up, began to pace the room.

"Even though your scores don't show it I think you are a rather intelligent guy, so you probably know all about the consequences you are facing and of course our future actions we have to take in the light of the situation," he said and opened some cabinet, took out a pipe, began to stuff it with tobacco.

"I consider this school the better kind, if get me, and we can't allow our reputation to drop," he sat down and lit a match.

What ticked me off the most was the fact that he was looking at me.

I looked at the thug and he was smiling, then he ran his thumb across his neck as if to slit his throat, as if to tell me you're screwed.

"What is this about?" I managed to hold my cool.

"You know why we called you here, don't play stupid, you tried to rape this girl and now you must face the consequences," the principal talked while lighting up his pipe and puffing out smoke.

"What? I tried to save her, you got all of this wrong."

I looked at the girl, she looked away.

It was the thugs turn, "Bah, what's with the act, you better spill it all out and confess it would save us and police a lot of time."

Police?

"Of course we had to involve the police, this isn't some simple act of mischief after all, this is far from ditching school," the principal handled the fact coldly, like an old cop in retirement, which he probably was. "You tried to rape her, but this young man caught you in the middle of the act, tried to call police but you knocked him out unconscious and dislocated his right foot, then you ran away."

"No, you have it all backwards, I tried to save her it was him who-"

"Admit it! Stop this sorry act and accept the truth!" The principal shouted so suddenly even my homeroom teacher and the thug jumped a little.

"What about evidence, you have anything that connects me to the girl," I said. "Fingerprints, anyone?"

I eyed the thug, calming myself a little.

"That's for the police to handle, but I doubt they'll need that," the principal said and the thug grinned. "We have an eye witness after all."

He pointed with the end of his pipe toward the girl.

Cold sweat started to form on my back, my left hand began to shake.

"Y-Yes, Takeshi, I-I mean my boyfriend just t-tried to save me," the girl stammered, horrified-like. "It was this guy who tried t-to... to... rape me."

Her voice trailed off as she pointed my direction.

My head began to pound.

The principal sat on the edge of his desk, crossed his legs, "And of course the fact that Suzumiya Haruhi's clothes were ripped off and she had bruises all over her after you both got locked in the school doesn't speak much in your favor either."

"I..." For a second I couldn't speak. "No, that's not what happened she fell in that hole on the second floor when we tried to get out and freaked when I pulled her out. She started kicking all around."

The principal smiled, "What about the clothes then?"

Someone filled my skull with razors and started to shake.

It was the feeling I had in the morning, that new kind of feeling. A feeling that makes you want to scream and start pulling out your hair.

I tried to remember how I felt when I was a hero yesterday, but I couldn't shake the anxiety and fear anymore. The dream was over, say goodbye to bright yesterday and welcome to the real world. But I wasn't mad, nor was I nervous, I already accepted it all. It was just a matter of time now.

"Why are we still sitting here, having this merry conversation then?" I asked everyone. "Shouldn't I be behind the bars?"

The principal puffed his pipe and paced the room again, "Yes, yes, you are right, but I respect the presumption of innocence and will let the police do their thing and from what I've heard they decided not to make an arrest yet, until then you are just a suspect."

He smiled, "But of course we have to take our own steps."

Like?

"As of now you are officially suspended, according to our school regulations you are free to attend classes, but you must refrain of any other school activities," a subtle, but creepy smile popped up on his face. "In short you can't attend any clubs."

They watched me for a while.

"Cool, that's all?"

The principal nodded.

"All right, farewell then," I stood up and walked to the door.

I held the door open and turned around, "I spit on you and your sense of justice though."

I pointed at my face, "I didn't slip in a shower you know."

"And you," I turned to the girl. "Nevermind..."

She was probably coaxed into it by her precious boyfriend anyway.

And I felt the room.

I knew it all along. I tried to run from it, edit it out, but it was there the demise the dream was all about. Now it wasn't about not failing this year, now it was about how many years will I land in prison for. No, things aren't that simple, there was still chance, I had to get down and think. I had to find some proof, evidence of my innocence. But it was probably useless anyway, that thug was some spoiled brat for sure with rich dad who can afford expensive lawyers that will get him out of anything. Even hell, I mean jail.

I sighed and let my shoulders slump.

Stuff like this happens all the time, that's why no one tries to help anyone who's in need anymore. They don't want something like this happening to them. That's the real reason people stare at someone with a broken leg instead of calling an ambulance. That's why people walk along if someone cries for help. They don't want to get in trouble for helping and it's not their problem anyway. Hero is a term that was forgotten somewhere in the past, now it's just an empty word without any real meaning. How many real heroes do you know? Not those from TV, the real ones. A few firemen? A few cops and doctors? A humanitarian worker? But that's just about it.

But why am I bragging about it? I'm not a hero myself, I just wanted the nightmare to stop. I just wanted people to like me more too I guess, make a name.

I'm hero as much as I'm the doctor who wants to adjust your spine every week.
I'm hero as much as I'm the savior who wants you to worship him forever.

'Parasite' wasn't the right word, but it was the first word that came to mind.

Now that I faced the danger of being sent to jail, I couldn't help but think of a real heroic scale. Where how much of a hero you are is measured by how many days you survive there. Rapists aren't sent to those easy going prisons now, are they?

Oh and by the way our class and the principal's office are on the same floor, so it takes about half a minute to get there, so I stood before the door through all of that inner monologue.

I didn't want to go in, but I was already there. If I turned around I'd be running away and there was just about enough of pained movement for one day.

I touched my face.

Still swollen, check.

I tried to open my eye.

Still swollen, check.

Looked we were ready for the big shocking entry.

I opened the door.

Inside everyone fell silent, as though they weren't sure of how exactly they should react. It wasn't just the shock of seeing someone who's only sing of activity was being in one club with Suzumiya Haruhi. Kyon the most docile member of this class got into fight? The reality and gossip clashed. It just didn't sit right with them. Nobody actually believed the rumor when it spread, but then here comes first hand evidence, that's why they just stared unable to even gasp. What I didn't know was the first rule of rumors, if one's true, every other is too. So in their heads, I raped Haruhi and that girl.

As I walked through the silenced class I noticed that even the teacher's mouth fell open.

It was that bad.

I greeted Haruhi as usual and sat down.

"W-What in the world happened to you?" She sounded almost worried.

I don't want to talk about it.

"I don't care, just tell me," Haruhi talked fast. "You got into a fight?"

I turned to her.

I told Haruhi I fell.
I did this to myself.

"I don't buy that, just what did you get into yesterday?" But she just wouldn't let it slide.

So I got mad, "I just don't want to die without a few scars. It's nothing anymore to have a beautiful stock body. You see those cars that look like they rode right out of a dealer's showroom in 1960, I always think, what a waste."

The stitches inside my mouth came loose, and I could feel them with my tongue against my cheek.

Haruhi just stared at me wide eyed.

My mouth was probably shining with blood.

I turned back around and few classmates were staring at me, I showed them the blood coming down through the cracks in my teeth. They turned right back.

Maybe I was overreacting, but I was tired of everything. If world sees me like a bastard, if everyone in the whole world thinks that I am a delinquent, am I really just a normal guy? The perception of reality. Hardcore philosophy again, I couldn't really answer the question with razors jumping inside of my skull.

But I didn't lie to her either, according to what principal said I did this to myself.

I massaged my temples and tried to calm down.

I had to get smart and figure something out, I didn't want to go to jail.

Arhg!

But my head just kept pounding and I couldn't think at all.

The rest of the lessons went in a quiet almost eerie atmosphere, where nobody spoke a word and everyone jumped at the slightest commotion. I almost expected the teacher to run some horror movie, because the mood was perfect for it.

Having my face all beaten up worked in my favor in some cases too.

Like when the teachers called to the blackboard, today they didn't chose me at all. Or when I felt the sleepiness come over me and remembered that I didn't want to fall asleep because I didn't want to have that dream again, I just touched my cheek, or licked the stitches from inside of my mouth. And it hurt and kept me awake.

I didn't make notes, I was already far behind the point of no return and with the recent rumors about me becoming a deliquent and me being a suspect in a rape... I didn't think someone would let me pass into the next year.

Oh well, what a shame.

That was, of course, the very bottom of my worries.

So I sat there, pain running all over my body, razors jumping happily in the middle of my skull and I stared out of the window.

It snowed, thick flakes the size of a fingerprint.

So maybe it affected her after all. The forecast said it was supposed to be sunny from here on right into the spring.

I turned around to confirm the fact.

"What?" Haruhi stared back at me, pen in her hand.

Nothing I just... Nothing.

She seemed okay though, but maybe she just didn't show it, Haruhi's an expert in that. You go to school and you feel great, you know everything's fine. Then you look at her the wrong way or make a comment that didn't sit right with her and boom, something nasty is up. The worst part is you don't even know it yet. You only realize something's wrong when you fight a giant grasshopper.

Sometimes I feel really bad I can't tell anyone about these adventures, I could talk forever.

When the school ended and everyone including Haruhi left, I sat in my chair for a while longer, pondering.

And then I made up my mind.

In the hallway I met our homeroom teacher, he was probably seeing me off - making sure I went straight home.

"Going home?" He asked.

Now was the cue for some witty comment, but I just didn't feel like it so I just nodded and continued my way.

I felt eyes on my back the entire trek, but when I passed the gate, the shadow in one window disappeared. Took him long enough. I turned around and quickly went back in, making my way toward the practice building.

Someone once told me that I'm a man who keeps running in circles, that 'we learn by our mistakes' doesn't apply in my case.

I can't really remember who, but it seemed important.

Well, nevermind.

"Took you long enough," Haruhi looked at me from behind the computer.

Ah, we're getting nostalgic here. Guess what time is it?

"Three thousand points down, keep going and you're at zero in no time," Haruhi said and stood up. "Anyway since you're here I can finally lay out our plan, as soon as I finish this part."

That's right penalty time, wonder how much points I got before this. Too bad laws can't work this way too. But actually they do, only the penalty is prison. And why was she acting so casually anyway. No further comments about my face transforming into a smashed potato?

I sat down and didn't greet anyone, didn't feel like it.

"Looks like you got into a sort of a jam yesterday," Koizumi just smiled, sure what else to expect. "Are you sure about attending the club today?"

I wasn't exactly positive that he asked me about my health condition, or he knew about my visit in the principal's office. Perhaps he knew all about it, perhaps he didn't - I was too tired and pained to care.

"I'm okay, it just hurts when I smile," I said with the right side of my mouth. "But that won't be a problem today, I don't feel like joking today."

And nobody else in here does anyway.

Everybody sighed with relief, are the jokes that bad?

I looked at Nagato for a while and even though she was holding a book, she was looking back at me intently. With her deductive calculation, I wasn't sure if she also had it all figured it out. What was more shocking though – she stood up and walked up to me.

And without a word she touched my face, my eye and cheek.

"Where did you get these wounds?" A simple question.

With her face like that I couldn't lie to her, but I couldn't tell her the truth either. In fact I couldn't tell anyone that I was a suspect. Not in here at least. Haruhi just couldn't get to know about it, that would be the end of it. Who knows what would happen next.

I eyed Haruhi, she looked back on the screen, but I knew she was spying on me.

"I... fell," was the only thing I was able to say.

Nagato just blinked and didn't show it, but I felt she somehow knew it was a lie.

"That is a lie, the extent of the analysis implicates a multiple number of hits each in a margin less than a second," she said in her usual monotone. "And it is not possible that you would fall in such a manner, ten times."

Guess I'm not as smart as you think.

Nagato blinked.

"Anyway," I neared in to whisper in her ear. "I expect you couldn't juice me up so it would heal faster again?"

"It wouldn't be sufficient to bite you in this room," she said.

That's right. And we don't want MGS4 to happen.

"Nevermind," I told her and she went back to read her book.

I looked around, "Where's Asahina-san anyway?"

Just as I said that she entered the room panting as if she ran hard for a while.

It just took her one little look at my face, "Ky-Kyon-ku..."

And she passed out when I grinned.

Oh well.

When we set her up in the back of the room on a make-shift bed, Haruhi stood up from her computer and started her briefing. I didn't get the details and frankly I didn't particularly care, but it was something about a TV show she saw yesterday this time. It was somekind of a paranormal mumbo-jumbo where the furniture moved in one house and there were those little orbs representing the ghosts. Like usual my remark that it was just a fly or a piece of dust was ignored and we were set to explore some rundown house she 'accidentally' found on her way to school.

Haruhi didn't want to go today though, her planning - she called it that - required time and it was Friday anyway so it was better to wait for the weekend.

When Asahina-san came back to herself I explained to her about how I fell some stairs on my way back home and she believed the lie completely. Am I such a trust-worthy guy? If so, why didn't the principal trust me then?

The rest of the club was spent by me lying to their questions about my condition.

If I ever would be interrogated by police in the future, I guess it would feel exactly like this.

They all sat opposite from me and everyone had a unique set of questions.

To cut things short, my last line was, "I refuse to fuel your suspicion and paranoia by consenting to this charade."

They looked like they believed the rumors.

Then Haruhi dismissed the club and we went home.

-

I didn't want to go home.

This morning was anxious, almost claustrophobic. And I wasn't looking forward to whatever punishment they made up for my grades, I just hope nobody from school or police called my home yet. If they sent a letter I could deal with it, make it disappear.

"Can I come over today?" I asked Haruhi when we walked home together and the others left us already.

"W-Wha?" She was shocked but that lasted less than a second. "You just want me to lick up your wounds don't you, you don't care about being with me at all."

No, I really want to be with you, honest. And is it such a problem that I want a little sympathy too?

"You know what?" She turned to me. "We'll talk about this after you stop lying to me, own up and finally tell me the truth. What's wrong with you anyway? Are you going to force advances on me again?"

You wouldn't understand.

And she just turned and walked away.

And I let her.

Not licking wounds, more like sowing them up.

And I went my own way.

I drifted the town, checked my favorite places. Bought some food and a drink and sat down on a bench. I cursed myself that I didn't have some sort of part-time job, but I was too passive for that to happen. I couldn't go home, I couldn't lodge myself at my girlfriend's place. It was ironic, I was trapped outside. I sighed, I might as well enjoy the fresh air while I still can. And I thought about the impending danger of jail again.

I crumbled the can and told myself to be brutal, detached. Otherwise I'd start throwing myself at strangers.

I walked the town again and decided it was time to go home.

I could hear my own jaw clicking.

Happiness fades so fast I can never remember what it feels like.