Disclaimer: I don't own the PPC or Tolkien. I do own Cassie, my friend owns Alla, and the Sue here is one I came up with. If this Sue was running around out there, I think I'd kill myself. (After killing her, of course.)

These chapters do not take place one after the other in sequence. They may or may not take place right behind each other, but treat them as if they don't. In other words, each chapter is like a oneshot only with the same agents/mission goal. Anyway, enjoy!

(3/28 note: I fixed the Noldor-Sindar reference, and thanks go to sai-bunny69 for pointing it out and helping me fix it!)

Chapter 1: Hair Like Horse Piss

"Oi, you ready yet?" Alla called, thumb already hovering over the portaller's BRB (Big Red Button).

"Wait a sec—ow!" In quick succession, there was a thunk!, a yelp, and a curse, before Cassie emerged from under her desk, holding up a set of panpipes. "Got it." Stuffing the pipes into her backpack, she joined her partner. Alla keyed the BRB, which made the portaller beep and generate a silvery portal.

"Why do all our gadgets have to go beep?" Cassie wondered aloud.

"When we get back, you can get Makes-Things to play with them." Alla replied, then dragged her through the portal.

The duo appeared in a very familiar forest. "By my estimate, we've got twenty minutes. Image-inducers, then let's wander. I like Rivendell."

"Let's save the inducers, shall we? You know how much I hate them…" Alla used her brown eyes to full effect in a spectacular puppy eyes look, and her partner caved almost immediately. Granite would have melted under that look.

"Okay, but we have to use them when we kill the Sue. You know how Upstairs is about invisible assassins." Cassie fished out a small digital camera and flashed her partner a decidedly feral-chipmunk grin. "Let's go. I want pictures."

"Every time we come here, you take pictures!" Alla exclaimed. "You've got so many Rivendell pictures even I don't know what to do with them—"

Cassie had already wandered off, dreamily snapping pictures. "Preeettyy…."

Sighing, Alla followed her camera-happy partner.

The council began gathering, blissfully unaware of the two PPC agents hidden in a tree overlooking the dais.

"Sooo, when do we see the Sue?" Cassie asked, stretched full-length on a branch.

"Lessee…"Alla cocked her head to check the Words, then pointed down. "Look down there in about… ten beats… and you'll see her."

Cassie rolled onto her belly, tugging out the panpipes and checking the Words. "Ugh, standard-issue Legomance. That poor elf, he gets lusted after so much…"

When she lifted the pipes to her lips, Alla shot her an admonishing glance, which was met by an innocent smile. "The rules didn't say anything about driving her mad…"

"No." Alla gently pushed down the pipes. "Save it. Draw up the charge list first."

The other woman winced at the silver-bell voice coming from beneath them. "Number one: unbearably beautiful voice." Jotting it down on a notepad, she scooted further out on the branch to watch.

Alla swung to her friend's branch, sitting beside her and tilting her head. "Add 'misspelling canon characters' names' to that. She's managed to spell Boromir's name as 'Bormer'."

"Ouch." Cassie shook her head slowly. "Poor sod. At least she spelled Legolas' name right—the only one she's spelled right, by the looks of things."

Beneath them, the Sue had begun to speak, in a voice designed to scramble the brains of any male within earshot. The two PPC agents were less affected, though. "My name is Ivrieniel Starfire, and I am the daughter of Lord—"

"Elrind?" Alla looked ready to kill the Sue right then and there, while her partner scribbled frantically.

The Sue was currently locked in a slinging match with 'Bormer' and 'Grimle'—Legolas jumped in, and obviously put the duo to flight. Cassie's pen flew over the notepad—she looked up, about to comment, then caught sight of the Sue (and Legolas) and let out a strangled croak. "good God, woman… put on a shirt…"

Alla grabbed the pen and notepad, continuing the charge list while her partner tried to erase the traumatizing images. "No magical jewelry, thank the gods… wait, what? Legolas is NOT two hundred! Another one for the list…"

Cassie's head shot upright—if she had been a wolf, her ruff would have been bristling. "Oh shit, I sense a—"

There was an odd shimmer, and she finished her sentence looking distinctly nauseated. "—time jump. Put it down."

The Council was dissolving into chaos—Ivrieniel was arguing with 'Bormer'—but Frodo's clear voice saying "I will take the Ring to Mordor," cut through the tumult. "Though—I do not know the way."

Ivrieniel stepped forward. "I have survived the horrors of Mordor, Frodo. If by my life I can help you, I will. You have my sword."

"And my sword." Aragorn added.

"And my bow." Legolas stated, winning a smile from Ivrieniel.

Up in the tree, Alla was restraining a pissed-off Cassie from tackling Ivrieniel and ripping her face off. "That line was Aragorn's, you thief!"

"Put it down n the charge list, sugar." Alla murmured. "We can nail her later."

The Council went on as per movieverse, although with a "Ten Companions line" from 'Elrind' which made the duo cringe. As things began winding up, Cassie offered her partner an image inducer and a stick of gum. Alla accepted both, but frowned when she realized Cassie was furiously chewing on something brown. "Are you that desperate for headache relief?"

"Nah. 'S jerky, not willow bark." She swallowed her bite, then held up the inducer. "What shall we be this time?"

"Let's wait for the next time jump before deciding."

Down in the now mostly-deserted Council circle, Legolas was gazing adoringly at Ivrieniel, whose waist-length blond hair cascading down her back looked like a waterfall, golden of course.

"Hey, a three-in-one—Lovestruck Fool, Grammar Abuse, and Non-Canon Physiology."

"Yeah… even with Noldor and Sindar genes, you shouldn't get golden hair… maybe if you crossed Glorfindel with Lady Celebrian…" Cassie shuddered. "Ooh, the trauma."

"Don't scar yourself. Let's find a way to off her quickly." Alla murmured, then checked the Words once more. "Hang on now—"

this time, the jolt was quite clear. The Assassins landed in a heap on some random patch of forest floor—the Fellowship was setting out… "And it's bloody dawn!" Alla flung up her hands and swore. "Why?!"

"So she can have assorted cute little creatures serenade her." Cassie absently replied, then spotted the Sue, which wasn't hard to do. "Oh look, there she is. And in a—pinkValarsaveus—silk dress."

"You forgot the golden hair."

"Ah yes, how could I have forgotten? Gold hair like a stream of horse piss."

Alla snorted, then glanced down at the charge list. "Just need a few more to tip the scales… come on…"

"Let's portal—oh no. No…" The smaller woman looked ill. "Bad song alert…"

Alla made gagging noises. "Paris Hilton… now that's a crime against music in general."

When the song ended (mercifully), Legolas gazed soulfully at Ivrieniel. "U sounded so hott…"

"DEAR VALAR THE SLANG IT BURNS!"

"Okay, that is more than enough." Cassie growled. "Any more and I'll start talking in chatspeak. Let's off her or this'll spread."

"Yep, the Chatspeak Plague. I can just see it now…" Alla snickered, then sobered at her friend's glare. "Sorry. Disguises."

"Uruks? Pleeease?"

"Just so we can use bows?" The brown-haired woman grinned. "Aye."

In a blink, two Uruks stood in place of the assassins. The thinner smiled ferally—an impressive and scary expression on an Uruk-hai face. "I like this form."

"Yes dear, we know." Alla smiled indulgently—a decidedly odd expression on an Uruk—and beckoned with a big Uruk-hai hand. "Lessgo."

Ivrieniel was walking along in her pink dress when there was a rustling, and two Uruk-hai stepped into her path. The shorter one cleared its throat. "We seek one Ivrieniel Starfire."

"That's me," she replied. "What does thee want withest me?"

The Uruk-hai pulled out a notepad and began to read. "Ivrieniel Starfire, you are hereby charged with causing character rupture and Lovestruck Fool behavior, creating gratuitous offspring, slandering races, stealing lines, screwing up the Fellowship, Tenth-Walker charge, changing canon physiology and clothing, causing mass time compression, causing the Fellowship to leave at dawn, causing canon characters to use modern slang, singing modern—and terrible—songs, mangling canon names, incorrect use of archaic speech, having an unbearably beautiful voice, and most importantly, being a Mary-Sue. As such, the penalty is death. Any last words?"

Struck dumb by the rapid-fire delivery, Ivrieniel gaped and got out a very intelligent "Huh?"

The Uruk sighed. "Guess not. Alla?"

With one smooth movement, the other Uruk lifted its bow, nocked an arrow, aimed and fired. The arrow plunged through Ivrieniel's neck, killing her instantly. The first Uruk touched a device—towing the corpse, the second Uruk stepped through a hole in the air. The first one followed, the hole closed, and they were gone.

"So what do we do with her?" Alla asked, shedding the disguise as soon as the portal shut. "Wargs?"

"Nah, they'd perish of diabetes. Too much sweetness. How about the Watcher?" Cassie kicked the body casually.

"We did that last week. Upstairs doesn't like us repeating monsters too much—guess they get fat." Alla thought, then brightened. "Let's take her to Mordor. The orcs'll appreciate a meal."

Cassie looked happier, and tapped the BRB. A portal opened, and the two assassins grinned maniacally at the shocked orcs beyond it. "Hey guys." Alla hefted the Sue's body. "How 'bout some meat?"

As some orcs enjoyed an unexpected meal, Cassie clipped a blond scalp to a drying rack, then smiled happily. "There, now we only have to wait—"

BEEP!

To be continued…

Author's note: Writing ungrammatically is PAINFUL!