Well, third chapter already. Hopefully, things aren't getting boring—and suggestions for creative methods of Sue killing would be much appreciated. A big thank you to all those who have supported this fic, your reviews are much loved. This chapter may be a little rushed, and I apologize for any slips in quality at the same time.

Disclaimer: I only own Cassie, my partner owns Alla. All right, I admit it, I own the Sues in this chapter. groans LOTR and the PPC don't belong to me.

Cassie was curled up in a corner, uncharacteristically silent.

Alla looked over in not-undue concern—utter silence on Cassie's part usually signified illness, depression, or single-minded cold fury, none of which was a good thing. "What's wrong?"

"Low energy. I need sugar, caffeine, or both."

Sighing, Alla dug out a Hershey's bar and tossed it to her partner. "I heard there's a café somewhere in the building—and we'll try to scrounge some Red Bull from the other pairs."

"'kay." Cassie unwrapped the chocolate and broke off two squares, putting them in her mouth.

Beep!

"Dammit." Alla tapped a few commands into her computer, then raised an eyebrow in vaguely disgusted interest. "Hobbit-Sue."

"Frodo, Sam, Merry, or Pippin?" Cassie got off the couch and padded over to check.

"Actually, it looks like both Frodo and Sam." Alla blinked at her partner's wide grin. "Why the Cheshire-cat look? I thought you liked Sam."

"I do, but this—" Cassie gestured at the screen. "—means we can see Mordor." Her smirk was growing wider as she spoke. "It'll be warm."

"I think the sugar's acting too fast on you." Alla got up from her chair, collecting her weaponry quickly. "We'll wait outside Mount Doom, and we can make up the charge list while we're waiting."

"Let me get my camera first, then we'll go." With a lazy stretch, Cassie picked up a fresh camera battery, got her personal arsenal together, and set the portaller. "To business."

The two Protectors stepped through the portal onto the rocky slopes of Mount Doom. "Ooh, warm," was Cassie's only comment. With her catlike mannerisms came a truly feline tendency to be comfortably warm where others were threatening to die of heatstroke.

For her part, Alla let out a sharp gasp as the overpowering heat washed over her. "Oh, geez, it's hot…"

Cassie raised her camera, taking a few pictures of the barren land. "Pwetty scenery…"

"What scenery?" Alla grabbed her partner's shirt, pulling Cassie down on the rock beside her. "Sit, and help me work this up."

"Fine." The Chinese Protector sat down obediently. "Let's begin."

Thirty minutes later, the duo was done. "Is that everything?"

Alla nodded. "Should be." Reaching into her bag, she pulled out her knitting and settled in, determinedly ignoring the heat.

Cassie chuckled at the look on her partner's face, then took out her panpipes—Alla frowned. "Are those stone?"

"Yep. Heated flint—smooth, nice and easy to work with. Sounds interesting, too." She blew softly into the pipes, producing an eerie, hollow-stone sound—grinning, she stretched out on the warm rocks. "I collect pipes, remember? This is just one of 'em. The sound ought to scare the Sue quite nicely."

Alla knitted and Cassie piped—the haunting sounds echoed through the rocks, closely followed by a yelp of "What was that?"

"Showtime." They traded glances, then keyed their image inducers. In a beat, two orcs stood there, essentially blending into the rocks.

Within seconds, three hobbits trudged into sight. Two were instantly recognizable, while the third…

Cassie pointed a Character Analysis Device at the third hobbit—a female with sleek black hair and smoldering red eyes—then had to mute it before the device blew its speakers out with manic beeping.

Alla hastily muted her own device, then pointed it at Frodo and Sam.

Frodo Baggins, male canon. Character rupture 68.52

Samwise Gamgee, male canon. Character rupture 53.27

"And her?"

Cassie banged her device's casing with a hand, then tilted it towards her partner.

Laurel Brandybuck. Female noncanon. Character rupture—errorerrorerror—cucumbermelonpillow—reinstalluniverseerror—

With a disgusted snarl, she turned it off and scooped up her pipes and satchel. "Come on, let's get this over with."

The two orcs followed the three hobbits up the slope—raising her stone panpipes, Cassie laid her fingers across a certain pattern of holes, then blew as hard as she could into the pipes. Much to Alla's surprise, the pipes emitted a quavering, hair-raising howl which went up and up the scale until it finally broke off.

"Okay, now I want to know exactly what the hell that was."

"A technique I picked up form some satyrs when I worked in Mythology." Cassie explained. "Should make them hurry."

As predicted, the footsore little trio sped up, finally limping into the volcano, with the orcs following closely.

Frodo held up the Ring, staring at it. "The Ring is mi—"

"No!" Laurel yelled, snapping him out of his 'trace'. Walking over, she took the Ring from him gently. "No. My father created this evil and now I must destroy it."

"But Miss Laurel, you can't!" Sam 'potested'.

"I must. Do not weep for me, for not all tears are evil." Laurel leaned in and kissed Frodo soundly.

"Oh, the melodramatic sorrow." Cassie deadpanned. "Line thief."

"Hey, look over there." Alla gestured, and the Protectors saw a pale, spider-like form watching them. "I've got an idea. Gollum—Smeagol—c'mere."

Reluctantly, the ex-Stoor crawled up to them. "Yess, preciousss?"

"Listen up, Gollum." Alla crouched to look him in the eye. "You want the Precious, don't you?"

"Yesss. We wantsss it, we wantsss the Precioussss," he hissed.

"Good. If you follow us, I'm sure we can give you the Precious. All right?"

He nodded, eyes shining like lamps. "Yesss, previousss, yesss."

"Come on, but stay back until we call you." Alla glanced through into the heart of Mount Doom. "Let's hurry."

Laurel was just about to fling herself into the lava when a voice shouted, "Hold!"

Everyone froze.

Two orcs appeared—one gently pushed Frodo and Sam away from the edge, while the other calmly took the Ring from Laurel, tossing it up and down like a toy. The first orc cleared its throat and began speaking. "Laurel Brandybuck, you are hereby charged with causing character rupture, creating improbable and logistically impossible romantic liaisons, breaking up a canon romance, creating gratuitous offspring and relatives, stealing lines, screwing up the Fellowship, two charges of causing lovestruck-fool behavior, changing canon physiology, messing with Middle-Earth canon, using Sue powers, bad spelling, using modern names, employing melodramatic death speeches, contorting canon quotes, and being a Mary-Sue. Penaltyisdeathanyquestionsnogood."

"Gollum!" the second orc shouted. At once, he appeared, looking at the orc expectantly. The orc dropped the Ring into his hands. "Here ya go, little guy. Knock yourself out." Grabbing Laurel, it hauled the Sue through a hole in the air—the first orc stepped through behind them, and they vanished.

Gollum danced a few steps, gazing adoringly at the Ring… and then fell…

The Protectors appeared atop the Black Gate, glancing down at the battlefield beneath them. "Hold her for a sec, please?" Alla requested. When her partner gripped a struggling Laurel by the scruff of the neck, she delved into her bag and pulled out an oddly-colored hangman's noose.

Cassie arched an eyebrow. "Knitting yarn?"

"Yep." Alla knotted the noose to a projection, then looped the other end around Laurel's neck. "you want your trophy first?"

"Nah, later, or I'll get blood all over me." Cassie sketched a mocking half-bow. "In the very appropriate and immortal words of Jack Sparrow… carry on."

Alla did so, while somehow contriving to look both innocent and evil simultaneously. "Oops."

"Liar." Cassie retorted, looking out over the field. "Oh, there's Aragorn… he looks OK, thank Valar." The yarn noose had quiet jerking by now—hauling up the dead body, she removed the noose, tossed it to Alla, then cut away her trophy. "Shall we go now? It'll start falling apart any time soon."

As she finished her sentence, there was a series of earthshaking rumbles and a giant crack appeared in the Black Gate, followed by many others. "Okay, definitely time to go." Opening a portal, Cassie quickly dragged her partner back to the safety of their office.

Back in the office, Cassie hung the black scalp on a drying rack as her partner stretched out on their couch. "Give me some time to nap, then we'll hit the café—"

BEEP!

Rolling over, Alla nailed the speaker with a murderous glare. "Listen up, you piece of scrap metal. Drop the volume. NOW."

Beep? The speaker actually sounded cowed.

Alla continued talking to the speaker. "Wake us in thirty minutes, quietly. We'll visit the café, then take the mission. Understood?"

Bip.

"Good." Alla closed her eyes—Cassie curled up on their beanbag and followed suit.

Half an hour later, the speaker let out a tiny Bip.

Yawning, Alla got to her feet and gently shook Cassie awake. "Come on, caffeine and sugar beckon."

With a grin, Cassie jumped up, practically bounding out the door.

In fifteen minutes, the Protectors returned, hauling a large quantity of food with them. Sitting down at her desk, Alla picked up the printout and scanned it. "Hey, a new pairing. It's a Haldir-luster."

"Ew… hey, can we be elves, then?" Cassie perked up at the thought.

"If you don't mind being blond, sure." Alla got her mission bag together, straightened her uniform, picked up some weaponry, and readied a portal. "Ready to go?"

"In a sec." Stuffing a handful of food into her bag, Cassie grabbed her Galadhrim weaponry, then joined her partner and stepped through the portal.

They appeared in a forest of mallorn trees—instantly, Cassie began taking pictures with a blissful expression. Sighing, Alla keyed their image-inducers—from a few feet away, Cassie yelped in surprise as her tanned skin lightened several shades and her normally black hair turned blond. In deference to her darker hair color, the blond shade was more golden, as opposed to Alla's newly platinum-blonde mane.

A beautiful voice floated through the air—the Protectors sighed, and followed it.

When they found the Sue, they also found a lovestruck Haldir regarding her as she stood with the rest of the Fellowship. Climbing into a nearby mallorn tree, the two settled in to compose their charge list.

Things were quiet for the pair—Alla checked the Words and occasionally swore, while Cassie enjoyed the remnants of her chocolate while writing up the charges—until Alla glanced up and nudged her partner.

"What?"

"Look at this." Alla held up a finger, pointing at a line of text. "She has a cute animal friend."

"A snow leopard?" Cassie shook her head. "They don't exist in Arda, even if they are cute. Do we have to kill it?"

Alla nodded. "Yeah, I know, you can't bear to kill it, so I'll do it. And in consolation, we'll make the pelt into a rug."

"Fine. Quick and clean, and a whole pelt. You want me to coax it closer?"

"Nah, it's fine. It ought to be coming by—" Without finishing her sentence, Alla leaped from the tree. There was a surprised yowl, the sound of a scuffle, and then silence. Alla reappeared, holding a bloodied knife. "All done. Do you have a plastic bag?"

Cassie held out a bag silently, then shouldered both packs and leaped down. Alla had washed the skin side of the pelt and was now busy stuffing it into the bag. Stowing the pelt, Alla took her pack back and nodded thanks. "Let's go get rid of the Sue."

The Fellowship was ready to begin the journey down the Anduin, although with an additional pair—Haldir and the Sue, whose name turned out to be Katerina. Galadriel bid the Fellowship farewell, and gave Katerina a silver pendant. "I dont kno what it does, but u should have it because I sense a storm coming and you must use this pendant to defeat the Dark or the whole middle earth is doomed."

"Wom—no, person. People invented the period and the semicolon for a reason."

"It's a tawdry piece of junk, whatever she thinks it is." Alla noted, looking at Galadriel with sympathy. The Lady had glazed eyes and was forcing the horrible words out with great difficulty. "At least Galadriel's fighting it."

"That's the Lady we know and love." Cassie smiled proudly, then looked over at her partner. "Do you want to plothole ahead?"

"Sure, my canoeing's rusty, so no objections." Alla's eyes narrowed, and she seized one of the plotholes Katerina had left behind. "She's yours, how 're you going to off her?"

"Feed her to something. Probably the Watcher." The grin on Cassie's face was razor-edged, causing her partner to return the expression with a more serpentine smile. "Shall we go?"

With a playfully mocking half-bow, Alla stepped through the plothole with her partner close behind.

After a few minutes, the boats came into sight. Trading glances, the Protectors faded into the trees to watch.

Katerina sat down on 'arock', checking her pendant carefully.

Haldir walked over softly, kissing her where she sat. "Are you OK"

"OK?! I am not OK listening to this!!" Cassie was so annoyed with the language abuse that she managed to use three exclamation marks and a question mark in the space of eight words.

"I think we've got enough charges, let's go." Alla hastily cut in before her partner could tear Katerina's flawless face open.

The two elves dropped to the ground, before approaching Katerina and Haldir. One politely cleared her throat. "Er… Marchwarden?"

Haldir looked up, narrowing blue-gray eyes. "Whoest art thee?"

"Nevermind," the lighter blond elf quickly said, but the other elf stepped forward.

"Your worst nightmare," she replied with an unholy smile. "Or rather, hers. Alla?"

Clearing her throat, the lighter-haired elf began. "Katerina-we-don't-care-about-your-last-name, you are charged with having a cute animal friend, having magical Sue jewelry, causing character rupture and lovestruck-fool behavior, Tenth-Walker charges, screwing up the Fellowship, abusing grammar, abusing punctuation, misusing archaic speech, causing canons to use modern slang, and being a Mary-Sue. So, you must be terminated."

"Wheres my pet?!" Katerina yelped, looking around.

"You mean the snow leopard pelt in my bag?" the elf shot back. "Hate to break it to ya, but we are assassins."

"You—horrid people!!" she squeaked, grabbing at her silver pendant. "Jier—"

The elf with deep gold hair moved in a blur, slamming her left hand into Katerina's chest while seizing the pendant in the other and yanking as hard as possible. The chain snapped, and Katerina yelped in shock. "How—how did you—"

"Easily," the elf growled back. " 'Horrid'? That's a word for two-year-olds, and I think they're brighter than you. Alaegaesia magic doesn't work here, by the way."

Haldir appeared to be coming out of his trance, and stared at Katerina in confusion and dawning horror. Knowing the impending reaction, Alla put a hand on the elf's arm. "Easy, Marchwarden. It's all right, their kind—" here she directed a vicious glare at Katerina, helpless in Cassie's firm grip. "—can do that to males. It's not your fault."

"I will take your word for it, my lady," he replied, then gave Katerina a grim look. "I trust she will be dealt with?"

"Painfully." Alla's feral-chipmunk grin was disconcerting. "And quite promptly."

"You know, we ought to send the poor fellow home sometime soon." Cassie idly commented.

"The office?" Alla attempted to look innocent.

"No, Dagorlad. Of course I meant Lórien!" The Protector huffed, then dug in her pack and extracted a couple of small white pills. "Bleeprin. Brain bleach. Stole it from my friend in Potterverse—they use it a lot more than us, but with the way things are going, we'll probably need it soon. He looks like he could use some happy forgetfulness right now."

Haldir glanced from one elf to the other, clearly not understanding the conversation.

Alla took a pill from her partner, handed it to Haldir, then opened a portal to Lórien. "All right, Marchwarden. To get home, walk through that hole in the air, then swallow the thing I just gave you. If you do, this will all seem like a bad dream."

The blond nodded gravely. "Thank you, ladies, I appreciate your help."

"You're welcome. Now, get on home." Cassie replied.

He bowed, then turned and strode through the portal. As it slid shut, the Protectors saw Haldir swallow the pill. "Thank God, the poor guy needed it." Alla muttered, then glanced at her partner. "To Moria?"

"Aye." As the portal opened, Cassie hauled Katerina through roughly, Alla a beat behind. They appeared just outside the Watcher's pool.

"Why are you taking me here?" the Sue asked.

"To introduce you to a tentacled friend of ours." Alla's grin was huge. "Namely, the Watcher."

"Nooo… I hate tentacles…" Katerina whined.

"Shoulda thought of that earlier," Cassie shot back. "Alla, call the baby, will you?"

Alla whistled—the water roiled as the Watcher appeared, eyeing the Protectors with interest. Due to being fed regularly by Protectors, it was quite fond of PPC agents, but none so much as the legendary Agent Jay. "Hey, boy." Alla tickled a tentacle playfully. "You hungry? I'll bet you are…"

Keeping one hand firmly on Katerina's scruff in case she tried to make a break for it, Cassie patted the nearest tentacle. "Good boy, good lad. We got a treat for you, right here… you want it? 'Course you do…"

The Chinese Protector pushed Katerina forward—a tentacle wrapped around the Sue and dragged her into the Watcher's maw, still shrieking. Smiling in satisfaction, Cassie snapped photos.

When the Watcher finished, Alla patted an inquisitive tentacle. "Sorry, boy, no more… we gotta go."

The tentacle drooped, but jerked up and down in a semi-wave.

"Bye, boy, we'll see ya next time…" Alla tickled the tentacle, then walked through the portal leading to the office. With a goodbye pat, Cassie followed, whistling merrily.

"Damn, no scalp from this one." Cassie remarked.

"Well, you could go get whatever the Watcher couldn't digest." Alla joked.

Cassie shuddered at the thought. "Ew. No. I'll just wait for the next time."

"And we know there will always be a next—"

BEEP!

"DAMN IT!"

Finis

And as the credits roll… here's the conversation that followed.

"Cass?"

"Yeah?"

"Did Haldir actually call us ladies?"

"'Fraid so."

The conversation did not continue, as they were laughing too hard to talk. Again, thank you for reading—and all reviews are welcome!