Trading Places

Sam and I walked down the stairs, leaving Carly to rest. Sam looked worse than before.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

"I just dumped so much pain and anger on Carly that she nearly lost her mind and she still blames herself." Sam replied. "I'm worried that she'll try something stupid."

Like you did? I wanna say. "I'm gonna get online and see if I can find anything that might help. Why don't you go keep an eye on Carly, just in case she does try something."

"Sure, I'll just wrestle her to the ground. Oh wait, I don't have a body, I can't stop her." Sam gives me that 'Duh!' look.

"Just pain-touch her until I can get there."

"Brilliant idea you nub, make her feel worse! How did you become the brains of the group?"

"I'll bring my laptop up to the studio, and work in there. I'll be close enough that I can help you if she acts out."

"That's better, you're starting to use that brain of yours."

"Hey, you want me to put the TV on, I saw Syfy is running a 'Ghost Hunters' marathon."

"Very funny." Sam does actually smile.

I open up Google and start typing in search strings like ' Earthbound spirits', 'Ghosts'; anything I can think of to describe what Sam has become. After a few tries, resulting way too many pages to look at I stop. "Sam?"

"What?" She pokes her head through the door, the closed door.

"Could you come in the room? The whole head through the door thing is creeping me out." She shrugs and steps in. "I need you to tell me anything you can remember before you met us in the diner."

"Like I said at the park, I sat on the swing and shot myself." Sam touched the side of her head.

"Why did you call 911? And why were you there at the park that late?"

"I didn't want some kid to come to the park and find a dead body there. I figured I could do someone that favor." Sam paused for a moment. She looked a little confused, then taking a deep breath; her eyes get wide. "I remember something else…I…I woke up in this, um, white room. I thought I was dreaming, cause Laurence Fishburne was standing there." I interrupt her.

"The guy from 'CSI'?"

"Yeah, but he was acting like he was in 'The Matrix'. He said that he was my guild. I said something like 'I need to get home' and tried to walk out, but there was no door."

"Then what?" This is getting interesting.

"I asked if this was Heaven and he told me that it was a sort of in-between place for souls. All the bad shit I did was almost balanced out by the few good acts I had done. He said that I had to do one more thing then I could move on."

"Did he give you any instructions or anything?"

"No, just that I would know what it was when it was time." Sam paused, "Let me go check on Carly." She stuck her head through the wall. "She's sleeping. I wish I could get her to stop blaming herself…"

We both look at each other, "That's it!"

"If I can make her stop blaming herself, I can cross over."

"That's gonna be tough." I inform her. "Ever since she's found out about your death, she's done nothing but blame herself."

"Okay, I just have to work a little harder." Sam looks at the floor; "Do you know why it took her so long to find out?"

"You usually go to your aunt's for the summer, right?" She nods, "Carly must of figured that you left early after your fight."

"Makes sense. I wish she knew how much she meant to me. You and her were like my only friends."

"I wish you'd of said something to me?" I type in 'Limbo and souls', over 1.4 million hits. I need to tighten my search patterns.

"I did, you ignored me and went on you little cruise." Sam sniped back. "How was it?"

"Good, lots to do. You would of loved the buffets." I try to keep my tears in check. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you Sam."

"Do you blame Carly for what happened?" Sam looks at me.

"I've accepted that Carly and me both had a hand in your death, but you were the one that made the choice to pull the trigger."

"I wish I hadn't now."

"I know."

I'm cold, not physically, emotionally cold; I got no one to turn to. I'm walking alone at night; for some reason this isn't scary. I almost wish something would happen to me. I walk up the Bushwell plaza and scan the call buttons. I should ring the button, but it's late and no one here wants me. This late at night the doors are locked. I could easily scale the fire escape and get in, but that's too much work. Shaking my head, I turn and leave, heading for the Washington Park swing sets. I see my favorite one; I have a favorite swing, I am such a nub. I sit on the swing, and slowly rock back and forth. This is how it ends, alone on a swing. Pulling my pear phone out, a tear hits the screen and runs down the front. Even my tears are leaving me. I check the gun in my hand. It's a small gun, but should do the job; there are six bullets in the round part, no idea what it's called. I take a deep breath and settle myself. Maybe things will better in the afterlife. I dial 911 and wait for the operator.

"Seattle 9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

This is it, no turning back now. "I need to report a dead body in Washington Park, on the swings, near the Bushwell plaza. Mine." Then I pull the trigger.

Sam and I both hear Carly yelling. Sam heads through the wall while I have to use the doors. As I run into Carly's room, I hear Spencer coming up the stairs. Sam's standing between Carly's bed and the windows, but Carly's not even looking that way.

"What's wrong?" I sit on the bed, about an arms-length away. Spencer stops at the door; he's just standing there. I reach for her hand, "Carly?"

"I…I saw what happened. To you, Sam. Like I was you, I felt all your pain and loneliness and anger. I'm sorry Sam." She broke down. "Why didn't you call me?"

"Shhh, take a deep breath." I slowly rock Carly; I make a hand gesture to Spencer to get her inhaler. He walked towards the bathroom. "Carly, you're gonna have an attack if you don't breathe."

"GOOD! Maybe I'll die and get what I deserve for abandoning Sam." I know that's the pain talking. "I didn't deserve to be her friend."

Spencer cuts in, "What did I do to deserve loosing my little sister? Why does Spencer have to be the last Shay?" He looks at her, eyes getting glassy.

"Nothing, you're the best big brother anyone could ever want, I'm the screw up." Her tears started anew, "I killed Sam!"

"No, you didn't, I killed Sam!" We hear a new voice in this conversation. "I walked her to the park, I set her on the swings, I put the gun to her head and I pulled the trigger. I'm the one you should blame." Sam looks at us; she's breathing heavily.

"No, I pushed you away. If I'd of listened, then you would be alive. This is my fault."

I speak up, "Carly, Sam and I think we figured out what she has to do to move on."

"No more pain!" Carly pushes me away, "You promised no more pain. I can't take it!" She sits at the head of her bed, knees pulled up to her chin. "I'm sorry Sam, I can't take any more today."

"You don't have to, you just need to stop blaming yourself for my actions." Sam reaches for her, but stops. "I wanna hug you, but I know I'll just cause more pain."

"I don't deserve your friendship, I'm a killer." Carly sits there, slowly rocking.

I move towards the door and pull out my pear phone; scrolling down, I find the number I need.

"Hi Dr. Dane, It's Freddie Benson. Good, I was wondering if you had an opening, my friend needs to talk to someone. She found out last week that her best friend committed suicide. Carly Shay. She's blaming herself, bad enough that we're watching her 24/7. Tomorrow at 2, we'll be there. Thanks doctor." I return to the bed area. Sam is standing there; I can see the pain on her face. She so wants to help Carly, but can't touch her. "Carly, I called someone, a psychologist I've seen in the past." Sam interrupts me.

"You seemed so normal." Even dead, Sam can't resist mocking me.

"Shut it, Casper." I continue, "She can see you at 2 tomorrow. I'll take you down there and stay if you want. Whatcha think?"

"Whatever." Carly doesn't even look at me. I'm worried that she might not last the night. Carly slowly got out of bed and walked towards her bathroom; I move my head indicating to Sam to follow her.

"No, I'll be okay." Carly had seen me.

"Okay, but if you're not out in two minutes, Sam's checking on you." Carly nods weakly. I spend the next 97 seconds staring at my watch. We hear the flush and then the sink run; Carly comes out, her head hanging down.

I wrap her up in a hug; she tries to push me away, more out of self-pity then anything. She starts crying, "Why Sam? Why didn't you call me? I know you wanted to, why?"

"How do you know what I wanted?"

"I saw you walk up to the Bushwell and look at the buttons. I felt the emptiness in your heart. I saw the tear on your phone, and the gun in your hand. I…I put that gun to…to my head and pulled the trigger." Carly can't hold back her tears. "I hate myself for what I did to you!"

"Carly," Spencer spoke up, "Missy had you fooled, had all of us fooled. You're an optimist. That's why everyone likes you. You see the best in everything."

"And that's why I drove Sam to kill herself." Carly retorts.

I speak up, "Sam, if Carly can see your memories, maybe you can see hers. Try to think about the fight you two had that led to your leaving 'iCarly'."

Sam's POV

I close my eyes and think back to that fight. Missy had Carly fooled into thinking I'm the villain. My breath hitches a little as the scene forms. The three of us are in the studio. Freddie's been gone for almost four months now, Gibby can run the tech stuff fine, but it's not the same. Missy has been CO-hosting more and more lately.

"Since when do you go and make a change without me?" I yell. Carly is standing to the right and behind Missy, like that would stop me. "So, that's it? I'm gone like rotten leftovers? All the work we did means nothing?"

"What 'we'? Carly carried the show. Why do you think it's called 'iCarly'?" Missy shoots back. Before I can think about it, I see my fist connect with her nose. The wet celery snap is very satisfying. I watch myself strike her again and again; someone jumps me from behind. I throw my shoulder back to fend them off. I hear Carly hit the floor, the wind knocked out of her.

Gibby yells at me, "Carly's hurt!" That snaps me out of beat-down mode.

"Are you okay?" I slowly kneel next to Carly. "I'm sorry, I didn't..." She cuts me off.

"Get away from me! You're a psycho!" Carly shouts at me, her breathing coming in short hitches. "I need… my inhaler. Can't breath." Gibby grabs the plastic device from the hall bathroom and hands it to her. "Go away Sam. I don't want to see you again, ever!" This sounds even harsher, because she's not yelling at me.

"But, Missy…"

"Missy was right about you. You're jealous and petty. Good-bye." Carly turns from me and tends to Missy. Gibby offers me his hand, I swat it away; Sam Puckett doesn't need anyone. Right?

"Carly?" I choke out, trying to keep my tears in check.

"I have your Probation Officer on speed dial." She holds up her phone. I really screwed the pooch this time. I watch Sam leave, my view of events stays with Carly. I tend to Missy, getting her some tissues to stop her bloody nose. Both eyes will be blackened by the morning and she might loose that one tooth. I feel my wrist throb, it's nothing compared to the ache in my soul. Spencer ran into the room, I remember hearing Sam yell to him.

"What happened?" He surveys the scene.

"Sam didn't handle being replaced too well. Missy needs to see a doctor, I think." We get her nose to stop bleeding; Gibby called Missy's mom and gave her an edited version of what happened. At the hospital, Missy gave a full statement to the police. I knew that Sam's probation would be revoked and she was facing 90 days on that, plus whatever this assault would add.

"I hope she rots in jail." Missy said, snapping me out of my daze. "She ruined my face!"

"Yeah," I agree. "She'll probably spend the rest of her teen years in jail."

"I hope some big 300 pound butch finds her." I look at Missy, not understanding her. "A big prison lesbian. Sam'll learn what it's like to be on the receiving end of a beating then." This is not the Missy I remember.

"That's mean. I know she can be…"

"Carly, It's time for you to choose. Who you gonna be friends with? Me or Sam?"

I want to tell her both, but I know she'll react badly to that; I don't want anymore drama today. "You." I answer. Maybe in a few days I can make up with Sam.

"That's my Carly. Let's go get some smoothies to celebrate the new cast of 'iCarly.'"