Subs & Sibs

Freddie's POV

Sam opened here eyes; she looks like she ready to cry. "Carly, I'm sorry I hurt your wrist."

"It's okay Sam. I'm sorry I killed you." Carly rummaged through her dresser pulling out some flannel pajamas. "I'm such a wimp. If I had stood up to Missy, you would be…"

"In jail for the rest of my life." Sam cut her off. "That would have been my third strike. I would have an automatic life without parole. Just as good as dead."

"Whatta you mean?" Carly looked confused.

"I have a two felonies against me already. That assault would have been my third. Life without parole before I was eighteen, youngest Puckett in prison." Carly looks like she wants to cry, but holds it together.

I speak up; "Maybe we should all get some dinner." Me and Spencer head towards the door, Carly stays. "Subs okay with everyone?"

"Extra ham on mine."

"You're dead Sam, you don't eat."

"I just wanna look at it; remember the good times."

Carly finally broke down, "You're supposed to remember the good times with your best friends, not a fucking sandwich!"

Sam looks at me, grinning. I know that look; she's going push Carly, I hope she knows when to back off. "Well, If I HAD a best friend, then I could remember the good times. I got dumped for the flavor of the month. If anyone sees Carly Shay, text me." She looks at Carly, eyes burning. "I don't know who the you are."

I can see the cracks forming in her, then the breakthrough happens. "It wasn't my fault! Missy played me for a fool. You beat the hell outta her. You did just what she wanted you to do. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"

I see Sam start to fade a little bit; she's crossing over. Sam continues; her voice softens a little. "What wasn't your fault?"

"You're…You kill…OH MY GOD, you're disappearing!" Carly shouted. Sam solidified. "What was that?"

"I was trying to get you to forgive yourself." Sam sat on the floor. "Carly, I'm scared."

"Of what? You're Sam Puckett, you scare other people."

"Of being trapped here. You're the only person who can help me. If you can't move past this, then I'm screwed."

I walk over to Carly and hold her; just hard enough to reassure her that someone is here for her. "You want your usual?"

"Yeah, with extra jalapenos." She wipes her eyes. "What am I gonna do?"

When did Carly like jalapenos? "You're getting there, but you're not ready to accept what Sam did. Did I ever tell you about my dad?"

"No, What happened?" Carly looks at me.

"I'll tell you over dinner."

"I'm gonna change and I'll be down." She looks at Sam. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all, you go right ahead."

"I'm not undressing in front of you."

"Why not? We've changed in front of each other a lot of times. Besides, I'm not leaving you alone right now."

"Like I left you alone?" Carly shoots back. "If I had been your friend, you would still be alive. It's my fault your dead."

"No, it's my fault. I put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger."

"But I still wasn't there when you needed me."

"Carly, you, me, Missy and a whole bunch of other people had a hand in Sam's death; but Sam was the one who made the decision to die. I'm gonna wait outside your door here." I turn to leave her room. I notice the few posters she has hanging. She's one of Cuddle fish, Jack Black, and a couple of that vampire guy; I figured she would have more

"So you can race in and save me, like we should saved Sam?"

"No, I just don't know if Spencer could handle you dying. You're his world. I'm an only child; you have no idea how lucky you are to have Spencer." I think that mentioning Spencer snapped her back to reality. "He's already starting to drink, like every other weekend. What will he do if you kill yourself?" I step out and a minute later she joins me on the stairs.

Spencer left to get the sandwiches. I get us a couple of peppie colas. "I was about five and wanted chocolate ice cream. Dad had missed my tee ball game and to make up for it," I have to wipe my eyes, even after all these years it still hurts. "He ran down to the corner store for a half gallon. He was crossing the parking lot here at the Bushwell when a guy came racing around the corner and hit him." Carly touches my hand and grips it softly. "I was waiting in the doorway with mom, this was before Lewbert. I saw him get flipped over the car; I heard his bones break." I take a deep breath; I wanna barf thinking about it. "I ran out to him, I still see his eyes; open and lifeless. If I hadn't of wanted ice cream, I would still have my dad."

"You didn't kill him. That drunk did." Carly said, still holding my hand. "It wasn't your fault."

"But I blamed myself for a long time. You know I still can't eat chocolate ice cream. I tried one time and as soon as it hit my lips, I was puking. I gave up tee ball too, wasn't half-bad either. You know how long it took me to accept that it wasn't my fault?"

"A long time." Sam interjected.

"Yeah, almost a year. Probably cause I was so young, and watched it. I couldn't sleep for a week; everytime I closed my eyes, I relived that accident." I had to will myself not to shake. "One night, mom brought me a cup of tea and sat with me. She told me that it wasn't my fault and that she loved me. I found out later that she had slipped a sleeping pill into the tea. I woke up the next afternoon. I slept for like eighteen hours. That's why mom is how she is. She's scared that something will happen to me."

"How did you get over that?" Sam looks like she could cry. "I mean…"

"I know, you don't ever really 'get over' something like that, but I talked to my friends and Dr. Dane. They all told me the same thing: It wasn't my fault." I squeeze Carly's hand, my way of saying thank you. "I guess you hear something long enough, you start to believe it."

We sit around the table; nobody really has anything to say. Spencer comes back with the Subway. Me and Carly slowly let go of each other.

"Spencer with the sub action." He drops the bags on the table and tosses his jacket on the couch. "What? I get the wrong stuff?"

None of us has reached for our subs. "Sorry, I sorta bummed everyone out with the story of my dad." I hand Carly her veggie delight, extra jalapenos. Spencer grabs his meatball sandwich and I pass Sam her ham. I had the seafood and crab; I force myself to eat. Carly has barely unwrapped hers. Sam is trying to grab the Black Forest ham.

"Damn it. I wish I had a body."

"So do I." Carly and I both say.

We finish our meal in silence and put Sam's sub in the fridge. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure Sam."

"Go check on Frothy. He's probably dead, but if you could."

"Okay." I glance at the clock, only 6. I glance at Carly, "Wanna go?"

"Sure, Spencer?"

"Go, I'll be alright." He's sitting in front of the TV. Carly frowns as she sees him pop open a bottle of beer. I shake my head, telling her to leave that fight for later.

"I'll change and be right down." Carly walks up the stairs.

Sam makes a grunting noise, "Perv."

"What?"

"You were staring at her ass."

I don't even try to lie. "Don't tell her, please."

"Okay, but you will."

We take my car over to Sam's old building. We knock and after not hearing anything, we go in; Carly still has a key to the apartment. We see Mrs. Puckett passed out on the couch, an empty bottle of cheap vodka on the floor. Sam walks past us, pauses in front of her mom.

"She loved Melanie more than me. Hell, she loved booze more than me." Sam says to us, we can hear Sam whimpering, her tears finally break free. "YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME!" Her fists pass through her mom's body. "WAS I JUST A MISTAKE! WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME, JUST ONCE! LIKE YOU LOVED MELANIE!!!"

Carly moves to stop Sam, but I grab her arm. "She needs to do this." I whisper. Sam wears herself out and falls to the floor.

"What's all the noise?" A voice calls from the back room. Melanie walks out and sees us. She's got her robe on, and her hair's wrapped in a towel. "Hi Freddie," She smiles at me, then glares at Carly. "Killer."

Sam stands up and waves at Melanie. "What are…Sam?"

"In the not so flesh. When did you get to Seattle?"

Melanie looks like she's gonna pass out. "I came up for the summer. Then I learned about you and I…" She wipes a tear from her eye. "Why didn't you call me or something? I know you wanted to."

"How?" I ask.

"We're twins, we share a bond. I was feeling 'off', really sad and depressed in the middle of May, then on the 16th, the feelings just stopped. I felt really cold then I was fine. Now I know why." She looks at Carly, then lunges. "YOU KILLED MY SISTER!!" She rains blows down on Carly, who doesn't even try to protect herself. I push the two apart; Melanie looks like Sam; breathing hard, fists balled up, ready to strike again. Sam walks up and touches Melanie's shoulder; she relaxes.

"What did you do to her?" I ask as I help Melanie to the chair. She has a dream-like smile on her face.

"I thought about the good times we had as kids when I touched her." I start to think about this and Carly earlier in the day.

"Think of the good memories you had with me and take my hand." I hold it out. I see Sam slowly reach for me, scared of what she might do to me. I close the distance between us. I see memories of us doing 'iCarly', at school, the iWeb awards, almost anything we did together flash past my eyes. Then one image stops in front of me: Me and Sam kissing on my fire escape. I take in a deep breath, I think this scared Sam, she broke our contact. I stumble backwards a step, exhaling. I swallow, trying to find my voice. "How long…how long did she touch me?"

Carly looks at me, "Maybe a second. Not much at all." I am feeling GREAT! I have a smile that goes ear to ear.

"Sam, if you could bottle that…Wow." I have to sit down. "I think I figured something out. Whatever Sam is thinking, happy or sad, that's what the person feels." I look at Carly; she's wiping the blood from her lip. Melanie did a job on her; split lip, bloody nose, black eye. "Sam, happy touch Carly."

Carly draws back, "No, I don't deserve to be happy." Sam was faster and touched Carly's arm. Like me and Melanie, Carly got a glazed over look. She's not as happy as we were, but she's not as sad looking either. "Thank you Sam. I feel better." She has this singsong voice. "I don't wanna kill myself anymore."

"WHAT!" The three of us shout. We just sit in the living room for a few more minutes. Sam looks a little worse for wear, but Carly looks almost normal. I find my voice again.

"How's everyone?"

"I'm tired." Sam answers. "Can ghosts get tired?"

"That's nice." Melanie is still in her 'happy buzz'. "I love you Sam."

"Carly?" I look at her, "You okay?"

"I feel like I just woke up from a nightmare." She shakes her head. "Did I really say I wanted to kill myself?"

"It was the Sam's pain talking." I answer. "You didn't have any plans, did you?"

"Shut up Benson! You'll make her do it anyway." Sam snaps at me.

"You know that studies show that talking about suicides don't increase the chance of it happening." Melanie chirps in.

"Really? I thought it would."

"Yeah, we covered that in Psyche 101."

"Yeah Freddie, I did. There are plenty of sharp knives in the apartment, which is on the ninth floor. I also have a well stocked medicine cabinet." Carly shudders with this revelation. She wipes a tear from her eye, "I changed my mind, I wanna live."

I wrap her up in a tight hug, not knowing what else to do.

"Nothing will happen to you.

"I'm sorry Carly." Melanie apologizes. "Can I get you anything?"

"My best friend." Carly answers, I stick with the practical.

"How about some coffee."

"Coffee I can do." Melanie gets up from the chair; Sam is lying on the floor, almost asleep. "You okay Sam?"

"Just really tired. I guess sharing my emotions is harder than it seems."

"You rest now, I'll be okay." Carly reassures Sam. I notice how the two seem to be mending their fractured friendship.