Melanie handed Carly and me a cup of coffee and pointed to the sugar bowl; Sam was lying under the table in the living room. She was asleep, or whatever ghost did, and didn't want anyone to walk through her. Carly was feeling better, but I wasn't going to let her spend too much time alone yet.
"Why is she still here? And why can we see her?" Melanie whispered. "I'm glad you can see her too, or I'd be freaking out."
"We don't know why we can see her, but we're pretty sure that she's here to get Carly to forgive herself." I answer. "This is good coffee."
"Thanks, I don't understand, Carly has to forgive Sam?"
"No, Carly has to forgive Carly." I correct her. "She blames herself for the fight that lead Sam to kill herself. At first I thought that maybe it was just Sam had so much pain that she couldn't cross over to the afterlife."
Carly shudders at the memories. "So I tried to take her pain away, but it almost drove me insane. You know when she made us happy today, try that but with her pain. That's why I was talking about killing myself. I relived her suicide; I can still feel the cold metal of the gun and the pain in her heart. I'm sorry Melanie, I killed Sam."
"No you didn't, Sam killed Sam."
I look around the apartment, there are clean spots and some of Melanie's things are here. "Are you staying much longer?"
"Yeah, I left that boarding school after I found out about Sam. I feel like I abandoned her." Melanie hangs her head. "Maybe if I had stayed here instead of leaving Sam would be alive?"
"And if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he landed." Sam stood up in the middle of the table, stretching. "I feel better. What?"
"Um, you're in the table." I say, as if that's an everyday occurrence.
"Sorry. How's everybody doing?"
"Better, I don't feel suicidal anymore." Carly answered, "But I still miss you."
"When you stop missing me, then I'll really be dead." Sam sounds philosophical. "Where did that come from?"
"Your heart." Melanie looks like she wants to hug Sam. "I never told you this enough, but I love you Samantha."
"I know you do, I can feel it."
"You gonna go to Ridgeway too?" I change the subject.
"Yeah, I figure enough people have seen me around so they won't think I'm Sam. I've got almost enough credits to graduate now."
"I wish I could graduate." Sam laments, "I wish I could grew old with some one, have kids, all that stuff."
"You wanna come over, Spencer's making spaghetti tacos." Carly reads the message on her phone. Even though we had subs before we came here, we're always up for his famous spaghetti tacos. "I'm also worried about him; he's drinking now."
"A lot?" Melanie looked concerned.
"It's picked up since dad was killed in that accident at the naval base." Carly answered. "I wish I knew how to tell him how scared I am that he'll do something stupid."
Sam spoke up; "I have an idea. Plus, I love the smell of spaghetti tacos."
We walk into the Shay's apartment, Spencer's singing in the kitchen.
"Making food for people to eat
People gonna eat my food, eat my food
Gonna feed some hungry people."
"Did you make enough for me?" Melanie asks.
"Hi," Spencer looks at the twins, "Melanie."
"How can you tell us apart?" Sam inquired.
"Melanie is wearing a skirt. You only wore one when Carly tried to make you over." I look at them; Spencer's right. "You want a peppie cola? I'd offer you something else, but you're all underage."
"Spencer, I need to talk to you about your drinking." Carly interrupted, she's on the verge of tears. "I think you have a problem."
"Yeah, my problem is this one's empty." He tossed it into the recycling bin and grabbed another from the fridge. Carly took it from him before he could open it.
"I'm serious!" She's yelling. "You think you're the only one who misses dad? He was the only parent I ever knew! You had mom for a while. Why do you get to wallow in self pity?"
"Because nothing changes for me! I'm still here and not in law school. I had to put all my dreams on hold after mom died to raise you! Why do you think I had to quit school? Dad told me he wouldn't pay for it until you were in college." Carly was shocked; none of us had ever seen this side of Spencer. "Dad loved you more!"
"Why do you think he loved me more?" Spencer pulled a picture from his wallet. "She looks like me, who is this?"
"Mom, other than having darker hair and dad's eyes, you could pass for her twin. Why do you think he tried so hard to be home for your birthdays, and I was lucky to get a card?"
"So, you think that makes it okay to be a drunk?" Sam cut in. "You wanna end up like my mom? She doesn't even know that I'm dead! Or care, she's still got her perfect daughter." Sam looks at Melanie, "I'm sorry, I just hate how she…" Melanie stopped her.
"I know, and she does know you're gone. A Detective Olivia Benson showed up and told us." She looks at me, "Are you two related?"
"She's my dad's sister."
"Hey, we will deal with dead people later! Focus on Spencer." Carly interjected. "I wish I knew how to tell you how your drinking is scaring me and how much I love you."
"Maybe there is." Sam walked between them and touched them both. Spencer gasps and slumps on the counter. Sam lets go of them and sits down on the barstool. "That was rough."
"What did you do?" Spencer shakes his head. He put the beer back in the fridge and grabs his coffee cup. "I suddenly hate myself and wanna watch 'Girlie Cow'."
"I tried to channel Carly's love and concern for you. You had so much anger towards your dad and Carly that I almost couldn't. You have to let it go."
Spencer swallowed hard, "Why? So I can be the perfect brother to perfect Carly!"
"No, so you don't end up some drunk asshole!" I yell at him.
"You still wanna go to law school?" Carly looks up, tears in her eyes.
"Yes, I do."
"Then go sign up. Dad can't stop you now." She hugs him, "I'm sorry I fucked up your life."
Spencer broke down, sobbing on her shoulder. "You didn't, Dad did, and I blamed you. I'm the one who should be sorry." We just stand there; Spencer always had this happy-go-lucky attitude. I guess it was just a mask.
Nobody says anything for awhile, then Melanie speaks up. "Those spaghetti tacos are getting cold."
"Let's eat." Spencer put the platter in the microwave and grabs another peppie cola. "Carly?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry. I should of stood up to dad all those years ago, instead of blaming you."
"We'll get through this." She hugs him; "I love you Spencer."
"Love you too Carly."
Dinner was quiet, everything that needed to be said had. After dinner, we go our seperate ways, today has been too long.
I walk with Carly to the psychologist office. Holding the door open she smiles at me; God, that smile just makes my day.
"Thank you, Freddie."
"No problem."
"I mean for everything; the appointment, standing by me, everything." She hugs me. I return the embrace. She's wearing cool water; I love that smell.
"Just remember, Dr. Dane can't see Sam and won't understand what you mean, so try not to mention that we can see Sam's ghost. I'll be in the waiting room if you need me."
Carly's POV
I check in with the receptionist and find a seat next to Freddie. I get this weird vibe when I look at him. It must be the stress of Sam's suicide and everything. I pick up one of the back issues of 'People' sitting on the table. Freddie's doing something on his pearphone. He really sprouted up on that cruise. He's gotta be over six feet tall, and he's got some muscles. I idly flip through the stories about which celebrity is screwing who and how much weight they lost. I'm looking for the crossword puzzle. This is my little secret; I'm a closet crossword junkie. I pull out a pen from my purse and start on it. In the few minutes I have until my appointment, I finish it.
"Carly?" A soft voice snaps me outta my mental victory dance.
I follow the woman through the door and into an office. There's a bookcase on one wall, a desk and a few chairs, and a heavy punching bag hanging in one corner. I take one of the chairs and the other woman sits on the other side of the desk.
"I'm Dr. Dane. Would you like to tell me what brings you here?"
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out; I feel like a fish out of the water. She can see my nervousness.
"It's okay if you're scared, would you like some water?" I nod my head and mumble a quick 'Thank you.'
She pulls a bottle of water from the mini-fridge behind her desk and hands it to me. "How about you start from the beginning."
I take a sip and a deep breath; I start with Missy coming to Seattle and all the things she did to Sam that I didn't believe and the fight and Freddie going on the School at Sea cruise. Dr. Dane is jotting notes down and I stop to let her catch up.
"Go on." She encourages me.
"When Freddie got back, Sam had mailed him a letter for me." I pull it out of my purse. "It's an apology, for everything she ever did wrong." I can feel the tears wanting out. "Me and Missy just went about our day without a care in the world. We were in the middle of an 'iCarly' webcast and Freddie walked into the studio. I could tell he was upset, but didn't say anything about it. I just worked him into the show, and then he said we needed to talk. Missy and I met him after the show and he took us to Sam's grave. Freddie has a relative on the police force who gave him the report, he played the 9-1-1 call Sam made to tell them where to find her body." The tears finally break free; "I heard the shot that killed her. I feel like I pulled the trigger. If I hadn't of pushed her away, Sam would still be here."
She looks at me for a moment. "Did you put the gun in her hand?"
"No."
Dr. Dane's voice turned a little harsher, "Did you make her put it to her head?" I shake my head; "Did you actually pull the trigger?"
"No."
"Did you kill Samantha Puckett?" She sounds like a drill sergeant. I'm crying hard now, this isn't what I had expected when I walked in. I don't know what to say, I pushed her away; I pushed my best friend away and it killed her. "DID YOU KILL SAM PUCKETT?" She shouts at me
"NO, Sam killed herself!" I start sobbing; I try to stand to leave, but my legs won't hold me. I get halfway up and then fall back into the chair. My breath catches in my throat, I know I have to calm down or I'll have an asthma attack. Dr. Dane moves around the desk and sits next to me, holding a blue and white coffee mug.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you, but we had to break through your defenses." I take the mug with shaking hands. I can't look at her right now; I'm scared of what she'll see. We sit there for a few minutes; she picks up on my mood.
"What's wrong?"
"I know in my mind that I didn't actually kill Sam, but I just keep thinking that if I had just done something different, she'd still be alive." I can feel the floodgates opening. "And I found out last night that my brother hated me because dad loved me more and made him put off law school. I just feel like I'm fucking everybody's life up and that things would have been better if I had never been born and…"
"Stop right there, let's look at that." She interrupts my tirade. "You ever watch 'It's a Wonderful Life'?"
"That old black and white movie, with the salesman?"
"That's the one." He pulls a blank piece of paper out and writes down "Without Carly" at the top. "How would the world be different without you in it?"
"Sam would be alive." I blurt out.
"Maybe, but how would she be?"
"Huh?"
"Sam wouldn't be the Sam you know, because you would of never existed to be her friend. And Freddie, what would his life be like?"
"I don't know, probably better, cause Sam wouldn't have met me and I wouldn't have introduced them. Sam tormented Freddie to no end." I take a deep breath; I can feel my chest tighten up. "If something happens, I have an inhaler in my purse."
"You feel an attack coming on?"
"A little. If you give me a minute, I should be okay." I take a few slow breaths, I think about how the world would be different without me. I start to cry softly.
"What's the matter?" Dr. Dane's voice is very kind, almost motherly. I don't answer for a moment.
"I just realized that everyone would be so different, but probably not happy." I think for another minute, "Sam would most likely be in juvie, Freddie would be the schools A/V nerd and Spencer a hard charging lawyer. Why am I so sad?"
"Because you miss your friend, and you think you caused her death." She touches my hand; She's got a smile on her face. "You care about the people in your life, that's why you hurt."
"So, I should stop caring and I'll stop hurting?"
"Don't ever stop caring, just stop blaming yourself. People have to make their own mistakes. People aren't perfect, we make mistakes, but you can't be responsible for anyone other than Carly Shay."
As I think about this, the timer signals we have one minute left.
"Would you like to come back next week?"
"I don't know, maybe."
"I'll pencil you in and if you change your mind call. Freddie has my number."
"Thank you Dr. Dane."
"I want you to try something, write Sam a letter telling her that you're sorry."
Freddie's POV
I've been messing around on my splashbook page, updating stuff, uploading pictures from my cruise and mindless chats. I hear the door open and look up as Carly walks out. She's looking a little paler and her eyes are red, but she has a smile on her face.
"How you doing?"
She walks up and hugs me. She doesn't say anything for a minute. Finally, "Can we get something to eat? I didn't eat lunch."
"Sure, do you need to schedule another appointment?"
"Yeah." She walks up to the desk.
We head out of the office and towards my car. A few minutes later we pull into the parking lot at the mall. I need to pick up some new cloths for school and the food court has almost every kind of food imaginable. I go to the men's department and pick out a couple of shirts, a new pair of dockers, and a new belt. Carly stood by the perfume counter and tried on a new scent.
"Whatta you think?" She held her wrist up to my nose. I take a sniff and frown.
"Too fruity, you should stick with the floral scents." I look over the selections and pick one up. "Hold up your other wrist."
I spray a dab on and she smells it, smiling. "How did you do that?"
"I don't know, I just picked one out that I thought would smell good on you."
"You're the best Freddie." She hugs me. Her stomach rumbles and breaks the mood.
"Let's hit the food court."
We settle into a booth and start on the pizza slices we bought. Carly grabs the shaker of hot peppers and coats her two slices of veggie pizza; she never liked hot peppers before. I can see that Carly is doing better, but I'm worried about her in school tomorrow. She must of seen the look on my face.
"What's wrong?"
"Thinking about tomorrow, you ready?"
She takes a deep breath, "Yes, I still miss Sam, but I'm accepting that she made the decision to kill herself."
"Are you ready to let her go?" I ask. I'm glad no one outside of us would understand that question.
Carly puts her pizza slice down, she's got a little bit of sauce on the corner of her mouth. "Almost, I'm almost ready." She whispers. I reach over and wipe her mouth with my thumb. She leans into my hand, "Thank you Freddie. If you hadn't of stuck with me this last week, I don't know what I would have done."
"You're welcome." I reluctantly move my hand from her face.
Sorry for the long wait, been working on a lot of other stuff. Leading into some Creddie, may have some other pairs, and another chapter soon, I hope. Read and review please.