For the first time ever, Brian was uncomfortable at a club. Clubs used to be his playground. He could have any man he wanted; even men who hated him wanted him. They'd literally wait in line for him to shove his cock into their mouths or asses. And Mikey, he exhibited as much eagerness about dancing with Brian. He stood at Brian's right hand, waiting with bated breath for every word that came out of his mouth. Brian had come to clubs to be worshipped. And he had been. He'd been a god.
Even after Justin had entered the picture, this had been the case. In fact, Justin had, at first, simply reinforced his godhood. Justin was just another devotee in Brian's kingdom. His hot young stalker.
But now…now everything was different. Brian was no longer pleased when Mikey 'spread the Word.' Brian was no longer at the club to be worshiped by crowds of adoring fans. Brian didn't even want to talk to Mikey, not really, and he didn't want to rack up the tricks. In fact, he would rather have been anywhere else. Somewhere with Justin. Suddenly, Justin was the center of Brian's universe (rather than himself). That was why Brian was uncomfortable. He didn't know what Dead Man Walking, Emmy Lou, and Mikey would say to Justin, and that made him feel actual fear. Heart-gripping fear. Brian sighed. What was it about Justin and this situation that regressed him to childhood?
Normally, Mikey would make thoughtless comments to Justin, and Ted and Emmett would relentlessly insult Brian (usually in response to Brian's insulting them), and that used to be okay. Brian didn't used to care what people he fucked thought. He didn't used to care what Justin or the gang thought. Or so he would tell himself. Truth be told, he had cared. He had always cared. He'd wanted the people he fucked to think he was the hottest man and the best fuck in Pittsburgh (and maybe the world). He'd wanted Mikey to think Brian was the coolest person on the planet and for Emmett and Ted to begrudgingly agree. But most of all, he'd wanted Justin to think not only that he was the hottest man and the best fuck in the world but also that he possessed more than beauty and sexual prowess. He'd needed Justin to see through the façade.
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it, Justin no longer saw the façade at all. Justin was no longer familiar with Brian's god-king persona. The problem with that was, Brian didn't want Justin to become reacquainted with that side of him. Ever. Brian hadn't really thought about the distant future, about whether it was practical to think he could keep Justin in the dark forever. He had simply been living from one moment to the next. He hadn't worked out a plan for this eventuality. Justin's panic attack had come out of nowhere, as had the psychologist's advice. So now Brian was doing something he never did, something he had learned was pointless. He was hoping. Hoping that Justin would not see his "sins," which he had once displayed proudly. Since encountering Justin again after the bashing, his hideously disfigured self had remained hidden in the attic of Justin's mind, thanks to Justin's amnesia, and Brian was terrified that Ted, Emmett, Mikey, and former tricks would say or do something to open the attic door. Brian had often been unfeeling and cruel, to the point of sadism, with everyone, even Justin. Especially Justin. And Brian was ashamed. Every once in a while, Brian would feel a twinge of guilt (for example, when he had sent Justin away after Justin's first proclamation of love), but he had not felt full-blown shame, not in a very long time.
Brian used to "be himself," the self he had created, and had adopted a like-it-or-leave-it attitude. His persona was almost a dare…who would be strong enough or perceptive enough to get through the quills protecting him? Only Justin had been able to accomplish this feat. Only Justin. But now, with Justin, Brian couldn't reassume his like-it-or-leave-it attitude. Brian would be crushed if Justin saw him, all of him, and decided to leave.
Brian had all these thoughts while watching Justin and Emmett talking. He and Mikey were dancing, Mikey prattling on about some new plot from one of his comic books, but Brian wasn't listening. He was watching Justin over Mikey's shoulder, watching for trouble.
Then it came. Brian looked on in horror as Chad…Shane, no, Shawn approached Justin. A cold lump was forming at the pit of Brian's stomach. Brian remembered what Justin had said to him after he'd accidentally confessed his love for Justin: "Brian, I've loved you since before we met or, rather, encountered each other again. Since your shadow first entered my dreams, your chestnut hair, your hazel eyes, and your scent haunting me. I love you, Brian, and I feel sure that I always will…"
Brian whispered, "I guess we'll see."
Mikey looked up, confusion on his face. "What?"
Brian turned his gaze to Mikey for the first time since they'd started dancing. He muttered, "Oh uh nothing." Then without another word, Brian moved to intercept Skip, or whatever the fuck his name was.