Thanks to those who have reviewed. I can't tell you how much my day just brightens up when I know I've gotten one. Well this is where I plan to stop the painful "goodbye" I hope you enjoy. Writing this I also listened to "Don't Take the Girl" by Tim McGraw. It just seemed a lot more appropriate to use, but the lyrics didn't exactly apply because that song has a lot of names in it that will probably confuse you readers. So in the end I settled for this amazing song. Sorry if you find mistakes.
Please enjoy and please review!!! I mean it ;)
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
Chapter 4: Before the Dawn (Inspired by "Before the Dawn" : Evanescence)
Jacobs P.O.V
"Meet me after dark again and I'll hold you"
"Away...?" I asked.
I didn't know what it was like to loose sense of the things that go around you, until it happened that moment. In my whirlwind of questions, the sky seemed to turn a darker shade of blue and all my thoughts began to run a million miles per minute.
I don't know how long I stood there. It could have been seconds or minutes but I even lost the sense of that. I just simply just didn't know.
Was it possible that Bella could really leave? Leave so far away that I won't be able to see her anymore? That just didn't seem possible to me. My brain couldn't process that complicated thought. It was too just way too much for me to accept. It was going against everything I knew in my life.
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Regaining strength, I tried again but all I felt was the cold air whipping against my lips reminding me of the emptiness. Defeated, I just stood there, staring at my one and only best friend.
All I could see was Bella's back side, her hair lashing in the angry wind. She looked out into the midnight sky, not moving and not speaking. It felt as if her existence was trying to play a game with mine, as I felt the pull to be closer to her.
I found myself half expecting her to turn around and tell me this was all some sick joke. I wanted her to tell me this was all some game that she wanted to play on me. But even I knew Bella wasn't that cruel. She was small and loving and everything else you could ever want in a best friend and playmate. This couldn't be a joke.
Long agonizing moments passed but Bella didn't turn around. Time continued to crawl by but I was just as unmoved. We both stood there, trying to take in the cold and reality that was envoloping our hearts.
No one moved. No one said anything. There was just the howl of the wind, and the silence of the night that embraced us.
I started to feel pain. A pain I couldn't understand. A pain in my chest that was vivid and eager to devour me from the inside. It was a hole in me that was opening, while a familiar coolness began to seep inside. My body instantly was aching for warmth to wrap itself around.
And then as if things couldn't get any worse, it began to rain.
Cold, thick drops began to drizzle into my long black hair. Each drop bringing some sense of reality into me and slowly I began to regain control of my brain.
The rain drops began to slide down my face, sinking into the sockets of my eyes. Not much time passed as I started to feel myself again.
I managed to take a step towards Bella, who unlike me was still frozen. She seemed to be in some trance that she refused to come out from and I didn't know what that meant.
I couldn't even comprehend half the things that were going around us. The only thing I understood was that Bella was leaving. Far away. Probably for a very long time. And that realization was enough to not want to know anymore.
The rain continued to pelt onto our small bodies while the wind began to shake Bella's body in a small dance.
She began to tremble probably from the rain and immediately I made my way towards her.
My nerves began to act up a bit as I got closer to her with each step. Even I had never gotten so close to the railing.
I didn't want to admit that I was scared. Oh, no. I'd never admit that. I was a boy…a big boy. But I was also a big boy who was afraid of heights.
Soon enough I was standing right next to Bella. I set one hand on the railing in front of me and I leaned onto it slightly with one side, also turning to face her. Taking in her feautures, the rain began to fall harder.
She had tears on her face that were mixing with the rain and her teeth were pressing down on her lips so hard I worried she would break the skin there.
Her eyes were wide with an uncertain emotion I couldn't recognize and her hands gripped on to the railing as if it were a life support.
Oh yes....she knew how I felt to.
The silence continued, and the rain kept pouring. Still no one said a word.
I watched Bella.
Bella watched the sky.
A sky full of darkness and possibilities.
Her face caught many rain drops but she refused to look away. Deep inside I was dying to know what she was thinking, and thanfully she ended up breaking the silence.
"Ja-cob" she said, finally moving her small lips. She turned to look at me for the first time, as if finally accepting the fact that I was really there. Her head cocked to the side and her brown eyes locked with my own. There was suddenly a river of goose bumps moving up my spine.
"Yes?" I replied, but it was hoarse and deep. Nothing like my whiny kid voice.
At the sound of my voice, her top right teeth clashed back down with her bottom lip again, trapping it and searching for comfort.
Her eyes didn't leave mine but she now looked so far away from my face. As if she was seeing something else.
Creases on her forehead formed and her bottom lip turned white where she bit down. My mind still rolled miles and miles per minute.
What was wrong? My hands began to shake from the situation around me.
She finally released her lip, and her eyes refocused on me. They raked over my face, starting at my rounded skin and following the curves of my cheek bones.
"I need to learn how to live without you" she said and suddenly the air rung with her words. Her face crumpled and looked away, once again she faced the sky. Clearly saying those words was too much for her.
"I want nothing more then to see you there"
She gripped onto the railing harder and suddenly pressed her whole body against it. She was doing with pressure and with need, as if facing fear itself in the face. Her knuckled turned white but she refused to let go.
I tried to process the words she spoke, but something about it wasn't clicking within me. I had a strong feeling that something else was going on, that there was more, but I couldn't find it.
I turned to stare at her face, looking for a clue or a reason. Instead all I could see was a pool of discomfort and obvious unsatisfaction.
Inside I was dying to know why she was leaving. I was dying to know what was going on. And even though I knew for a fact, that if I asked her, she wouldnt hessiate to tell me. Though I had a pretty good idea what it was about. Probably what it was almost always about.
Charlie and Renee.
My heart sunk for her. And of course everything in me was telling me to try and fix it.
"Bella no matter what, I'll always be here with you. You might not see me around, but you'll never be alone." I took her hand in mine, letting the words flow out of mu mouth easy. In the familiar gesture, I squeezed her hand and let the ice cold temperature sink into my own grip. It resembled the cold railing that wobbled in front of us, the only thing keeping us from falling.
I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it, tasting the skin and the rain together, filling me with a slight warmness. I held it tight and caressed it close to me.
God, she was like home.
We both sighed unevenly.
I looked up at her and some of the small creases around Bella's eyes slowly started to disappear. The mask of emotion she had on slowly began to fade away. Pieces of it fell with the rain and a handful of emotions revealed the stress that was visible on her face.
But as the mask was coming off, I saw that there was another one right underneath it. Another mask, similar to the one before, but still very different.
It was made up of Sadness.
Confusion.
Hurt.
And Fear.
And then I understood. It all clicked inside of me. Reality.
She did need to learn to live without me. It wasn't a saying of normalcy or question.
It was way much more.
Bella had learned to live with me as her right hand. I had been there for her when no one was. I never did understand that, Bella was pretty and funny and even though my friends made fun of me for always being with Bella, I loved her. How could anyone stay away?
Bella's eyes were strained with fear, and I could imagine her living a life without our midnight meetings. A life without her weekend trips to La' Push where we spend hours playing video games or hide-n-seek. It didnt look so good.
She once told me she wished I were her brother, so that I could spend a lot of time with her. I on the other hand told her I was glad she wasn't my sister because if she was, then we couldn't get married some day.
And I had never heard of a brother and sister getting married.
And boy did I want to marry Bella! My heart seemed to flutter at this thought. For a moment I almost forgot the dread that lingered in the air like a ghost. And then of course reality hit like thunder, illuminating my world and leaving me blind with the after shock.
What would she do without me?
What would I do without her?
I reached over to Bella's side and took her other hand as well. I turned her to face me now, focusing her gaze on me.
Her hair was soaked through and wet, the waves that I knew so well, were now straight and dripping.
I wanted to hold Bella's hands tight enough to reassure the both of us.
Looking at our hands, I suddenly wished that my hand would leave an imprint over hers. Like a tattoo or a reminder, that would always let her know I was always here. But my brain and heart knew…..that soon this would all be gone. And no print could stop that.
I had to do something.
We had to face our fears.
So I shoved all the emotions behind me.
Quickly, I let go of her hand and placed them both in the railing in front of us. Carefully I stepped onto a small bar that ran across the bottom, placing both feet there. Higher now, I was able to throw a leg over the railing. As I held on, it didn't take long before I was bringing the other one over and I suddenly was standing on the ledge of the house facing the open world.
I could hear Bella's gasp at my daring gesture and I expected her to stop me. Surprisingly this never came and instead, I could feel the stare from her eyes burning a hole in my back. The stare felt like it was taunting and tantalizing me.
In the end we were going to have to learn to live without each other. No matter how scary it was...no matter how much it could hurt. My breath started to coming in heavy and my chest began to clench. How could I live without the girl....who I needed most?
My back was towards Bella now, who behind me was breathing deeply. I could almost hear her trembling in fear and I could almost hear the loud ciaos that was probably hurricaning in her head. My being was reaching out towards her; its only goal was to soothe her.
My hands were twisted back holding me in place and I was suddenly aware that I was standing 4 floors above ground. The fear began to flood inside me, but before it was too late I pushed it aside by concentrating on the forest that Bella and I had once upon a time spent many hours finding refuge and peace in.
I almost threw myself right back over the railing towards Bella, when I felt the wind rock me back and forth. But I couldnt stop myself from being mesmerized by the things in front of me.
The trees in sync all swayed in the wind, dancing back and forth in its wrath. The rain sprinkled over every leaf in the dark, making its surfaces glow and twinkle from the half hidden moon light. The dark gray clouds in the purple sky was descending a mist that was wrapping and devouring us. Everything started to feel magical.
If it weren't for the cold rain falling on us, the atmosphere would have been more then tantalizing and inviting.
The wind blew my wet hair around and it blew onto my body making my shirt stick to me like a second skin. The sensations it brought made me feel more then alive.
I wanted to fly.
And I wanted to bring Bella with me.
"And maybe tonight, We'll fly so far away"
And as if my desires were being fulfilled, I felt the railing shake a little underneath me. Looking back I could see Bella's little frame mimicking my earlier movements. I could see her swinging her legs over in an attepmt to position herself next to me on the rail. Finally nothing could hold us back. She had a hard look plastered on her face, but in her eyes I could see the copious fear.
For a moment I worried. I worried that Bella would slip and fall into the never ending abyss. But this wasn't the case. Her clumsiness wouldn't contradict this.
I was the railing to Bella's life.
And I knew Bella would never let go.
After moments of watching her struggle with a strained look on my face, she finally was in the same position I was. We were both holding on to the railing behind us, while the air took us far away into the earths beauty.
The mist began to move one way and another. And the clouds rushed above us like a river. There was slight beauty everywhere our eyes fell upon. Everything was lifting my spirits. Even though I knew the final destination was for them to fall back down.
I looked over at my best friend and watched as her eyes would constantly rake over everything. There was no denying that she was like an open book.
She'd widen them, trying to look as far as she could. And then she'd close them, letting peace possess her. There were smiles coming on and off her face like ocean waves on a beach.
The rain drops would go over her eye lids and onto her cheeks, slow and smooth.
Tonight heaven was crying for her.
Neither of said anything. Probably too scared to say a word that could break the spell. Still I could feel Bella's uncertainty and I told myself that I would wait until it faded away.
We continued to hold onto the wobbly railing, and when I finally felt Bella calm, I lifted one hand and pressed it against Bella's cheek. I smiled at her encouraging, letting her know she wasnt alone.
"You're strong enough to move on Bells. But remember that when ever you feel the wind blow, and when ever you feel the rain fall, I'm always right here by you." I emphasize the small distabce between our bodies.
Bella remained silent but nodded enough to satisfy me. She then tilted her head into my palm and buried her wet cheek in my cupped hand and easily made my heart skip a beat.
Tonight would be a long one.
The rain continued to fall. But we just stood there, till our knees were almost asleep. Till our hearts were connected.
After what seemed like either minutes or hours, the rain stopped and the clouds faded away with out warning.
The sky was the darkest color we had ever seen. And we knew it was right before the dawn.
"We'll be lost before the dawn"
I gave Bella a squeeze on her cheek and motioned for her to make her way back over to safety.
Her eyes looked into mine, and I could see she wanted to say something. But she never did. At this, I watched her clumsily hop over to the other side. Quickly, I followed her.
Bella and I made our ways over to the lawn chairs where we wrapped ourselves tightly around the thick fleece blankets, shivering and trembling against each other. The warm sheets that had been placed safely under the chairs wrapped us in comfort.
I wrapped my arms around my best friend and let the heat of our bodies intertwine and mix between us.
Soon enough the rain and the wind was forgotten and sleep took over us, drowning us away from such a cruel and unfair reality.
"If only night could hold you"
----
The sun was bleeding through my eye lids when I heard the balcony door open roughly.
Wait, sun?! We over slept!
I refused to open my eyes into the possible hell Bella and I were going to have to face. Quickly I felt around for Bella and realized she was still in my arms.
Quil and Embry would make so much fun of me if they knew.
"Billy, they're out here!" I heard Charlie scream.
"Oh thank God!" Renee said in a worn out whisper.
I then heard many different footsteps making their way towards us.
I was almost about to sit up and give into the scene when I heard Bella's frantic whisper against my neck, where her face was still buried.
"Don't move" She said, and so I braced myself, and listened to the approaching steps.
"Oh my gosh, they must have been here all night. They could have pneumonia after all that rain!" said my mother, who was probably scrambling to get near us. I felt her familiar warm hand raking over my cheek, probably checking for a fever and I held in a crince when I realized it felt cold.
"Well their clothes feel dry, but they are also stiff, so I'm guessing they did stay out last night." Said Renee who sounded more then disapproving.
"How do you think he got out here, Maddie?" My father asked my mother, his voice incredulous but obviously relieved.
"Well there is a bike down stairs in the back yard, so I'm guessing he got here on it" Charlie pitched in.
And then it was silent. The stillness teasing us all.
Moments later I felt a slight shake rattle me, and I realized they were trying to wake us up. My eye lids fluttered and the first thing I saw was Bella on my chest, her hair lighting up with the bright sun above us.
'Where I can see you, My love"
By the looks of it, and by how much I had to strain my eyes, it had to be fairly late.
Bella began to move too, and we continued to get up. Together Bella and I both began to fake a yawn.
"then let me never ever wake again"
It took every muscle in my body to not laugh at this.
But then I looked up at our parents who were all looking at us with different emotions.
Suddenly laughing didn't seem like the best idea. A small sinking feeling began to deepen in my chest.
I felt Bella seek my hand under the blankets and when she found it I squeezed in reassurance, trying to let us know that we were going to be okay.
"We were going crazy when we didn't find you in bed, young man." My dad said sternly.
"Thank God Maddie called Renee and found out Bella was missing too. We figured you two would be together." Charlie said.
"Jacob why are you even here?" My dad asked.
All I could say was "Bella needed me"
I watched Renee's and Charlie's face crumple, as they stood feet apart from each other, and I knew they felt guilt.
Good.
They should.
I expected many more lashing questions to come out of each of their mouths. But nothing more then that came. I still braced myself waiting for more.
"Bella darling, go get changed" Said Renee, in a soft voice.
Bella only looked up at her mother in confusion and question. The air felt thick again.
"We have an early flight today" she said. And then reality was crashing down on me all over again.
----
An hour later, Bella and I were playing on a swing tire that hung in Bella's back yard. For a while I just pushed her in silence, watching her dress fly with the wind. My small heart felt like it was breaking. But I kept my eyes locked on her, because nothing felt better then that.
I didn't want Bella to go!
I could see the waves in her hair dance in the movements, as she rocked back in forth.
Why did Bella mean so much to me?
At this I pondered and forgot what I was doing. I stared up to the tree that shaded us from the rare hot sun and lost myself in my own thoughts.
"Somehow I know that we can't
Wake again from this dream
It's not real, but it's ours"
"Jacob" I heard Bella's voice call out to me. It whipped around in my head and quickly I looked at her in acknowledgement.
She was no longer swinging and her eyes were focused on me with a painful stare.
"I'm going to miss you, Jacob"
I looked at her more and watched rays of sun that bypassed certain tree branches, illuminating her hair. There were streaks of burgundy red that brought out her rich chocolate eyes to me. It birthed a strange hunger in me.
My chest clenched again and processing her words, my stomach sunk deep inside me.
"I'll miss you too. More then you know." I said, but it was soft and nothing like the yearning voice that was going off in my head. I was scared. More scared then I could show.
Bella nodded and looked down sadly. She shuffled with her feet and then brought them down to the ground and sat on the tire, gripping onto its sides.
I wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted to be able to spend more time with her. But I knew my time was running out. And this realization made my heart break.
My body once again was pulled towards my best friend. I quickly made my way to her not fighting it.
She watched me walk up to her. Her small eyes locked with mine with an intensity that wouldn't let us look away.
Soon enough I was standing right in front of her, where I could see the small almost invisible freckles on her cute little nose. She looked up at me, blinking and breathing hard. She was more then pretty...
Something inside my stomach was turning and flapping. I didn't know what it was. I just didn't recognize it.
Butterflies..?
The movement in me was making me nervous and it made me feel as if I were going to do something daring.
I continued to watch Bella. A desire unfolding inside me.
Her lips were out in an unconscious pout and then…..
I kissed her.
I don't know how. I don't know why. Once again I just don't know.
I leaned in, my being telling me where I needed to go. I felt the sun rays that beated on her, fall on me like a warm blanket. I saw her eyes widen and soon enough I pecked her pouty pink soft lips. They parted slightly, as she took it in.
My heart soared and my stomach did a back flip.
Whoa.
I almost leaned in again to do it once more, when I heard Bella gasp and the back door flew open.
"Time to say goodbye, Bella" Charlie said. His voice filled with pain and undeniable hurt, bringing me back to reality.
Now my chest really burned.
I backed away from Bella, our previous moment almost forgotten and reached for her hand.
In the middle of the yard, I watched her pull away from my hand in almost a jerk. I came to a sudden halt and my mind began to reel around, worried that Bella was angry at me for kissing her. Rejection.
Oh my God, I really had kissed her. No wonder she hated me now.
This time my heart was falling away to dust.
But then everything I thought fell away when I felt Bella throw herself onto me in a huge hug and one again I felt something click inside me. We were okay. Sort of.
I wrapped my arms around her small waist and she clung onto my neck. I half spun us around but when I heard her sob, I stopped to hold her tight.
"I don't want to leave you, Jake" She cried out. Her words clung to the strings of my heart and squeezed until I couldn't breathe.
"I don't either, Bella. But we have to. And I'm sorry" I said saying the true words in my heart that pounded furiously against the tip of my tongue.
I hugged her hard once again, desperately trying to remember her feel and the shape of her on me. I felt tears start to come out my eyes, and I realized I wasn't shamed enough to hide them. I let them fall down my check and into Bella's delicious smelling hair. She was home.
But of course the precious moment had to end.
She pulled away and didn't meet my eyes again. I followed her with my eyes as she walked towards our parents who now awaited with the most distraught looks on their faces. looking between her face and mine.
They had seen our exchange.
I continued to watch Bella from behind, enjoying how her dress swayed in the wind. My finger tips were dying to touch her again. But I couldn't move. Everything was frozen and numb.
Is this really it?
Is it? Oh God…it hurts so much………..
Don't go….Please don't Go.
The words in my head yearned for her to come back.
Her hair continued to dance in the wind and suddenly she was to near her parents. She didn't look back once.
Oh God, this was it.
I watched her hug my mother and my father, who looked just about as distraught as Charlie did. After all Bella has been part of our family too. This was hard for them as well. Renee looked horrible and just as sad as the others, I couldn't understand why her and Charlie couldn't just fix their delemas.
Did they not care enough to do it for me?
For Bella?
Then I saw Charlie grab Bella's hand and lead her inside. My mother and father looked at me with apologetic and sad looks but followed them inside, closing the door behind them.
Looking away and up at the tree the world suddenly shifted and I felt the need to throw up. I was falling apart.
Not my Bella…..
And then suddenly the door opened again, and with hopeful eyes I looked towards it, in search of Bella.
There she was, tears on her face and arms wife open for me. She ran across the yard and into my arms so fast, that I couldn't even register her I hugging me again.
"I love you so much, Jake! So much!" She said into my ear.
"Me too Bells. I love you too." I exclaimed, feeling my heart reach out towards her. Nothing would be enough to fill my craving for my best friend.
I moved my lips and pecked her smooth cheek savoring the taste.
After a while her arms limped around me, and her feet were already moving her away from me. I wanted nothing more then to follow where she went.
"I'll be back in the summer" She said, trying to comfort me, but the feeling inside me was unmoved.
I just nodded….but nothing felt right as she kept walking away. My world was turning darker and darker as she faded.
If only she knew how wrong she was then. Because her attempts at writing to me eventually failed. Her phone calls began to fade when we found nothing to say. And she never did come back. At least not until 9 years later, when nothing at all would ever be the same.
"And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away
We'll be lost before the dawn"
Pls REVIEW. This chapter was about twice as long but it was well worth it. I still havent gotten many reviews :( Will you make my day and REVIEW!? REVIEW! PLS!!!!!!!!!
Next chapter: Life today.