Disclaimer 2: I don't own it. (does anyone even read these anyway?)
Spinner's End was small, to the point of being squishy. The rooms were so tiny it was like you were the one sitting in the middle of the back seat of a car, jammed between two others. The air was tight and uncomfortable. It felt as if she couldn't breath. The scent of damp and musty books made Lily feel quite queasy. Or maybe, she conceded, it was all just too hard.
She rolled over on the floor so her back was pressed against the cold titles. She stared up at the sealing cracks, tears running down her cheeks.
Only two weeks had passed since the death of her husband. She had barely left the confinements of the bathroom. Severus had tried to talk her out last night. He had invited her to dine with him but she refused to unlock the door. She wasn't entirely sure that this house even had a dinning room. Perhaps they would have sat in the cell-like sitting room amongst his endless supplies of books. He could have sat on the threadbare sofa and she could have taken the old arm chair. She cringed at the thought of that room.
It was constantly dark, no light seem to be able to penetrate through the dirty glass windows. Lily wondered when the last time Snape had cleaned the place. Judging by the floor she was currently laying on, it had been a long while ago.
She thought of her own home. The warmth streaming through the windows at dawn. She smiled faintly thinking of the way James would pull the pillow over his head, playfully cursing her for pick the worst room in the house to sleep in.
She couldn't stop the sob that ripped through her body. Shakily she pulled herself up. Her stomach churned for what seemed like the millionth time this this morning. She leaned against the toilet bowl, heavying what was left in her stomach. She groaned pulling away. She pushed herself in between the bathtub and toilet, leaning on the wall. She pulled her knees up and let her face drop into them. Her arms circle her legs, locking her into a small ball. She cried. The pain from loosing her family was to much to bare and now this. Her heart felt as if it was bleeding. She had lost her little Harry and now this had to happen. What think of cruel man was fate? How could this have happened. She cried again, picking up the blade she had pulled out of Severus razor last night. She stared at the silver piece of metal. Contemplating what it truly meant to her. She couldn't take it, she couldn't live without James. She lifted the blade, her hand hovering above her wrist. She had never thought she could become this person. The kind of person that couldn't handle life, the kind of person who would rather kill themselves then see the next sunset. The sorrow over took all of her emotions. This was it. She took in a deep breath, plunging the blade deeply into her skin.
The air left her lungs in a scream. The pain unbearable as the blood flowed down her hand and dripping off her fingers. The door rattled as her head dropped onto the toilet seat. She watched the crimson trail dripping onto the floor. The pain was to much to bare. Sobs racked her body as she clutched her arm to her chest. Lily shuddered as the hinges on the door gave way. Severus had blown the door off in one hit. She choked of the dust sent spinning into the air. He moved to her quickly. Tugging her hurt arm free. With a simple spell it was all gone.
"Lily." His voiced he pained as one hand clutched her wrist while the other began tracing the edge of her face. The question that was written in his eyes burned her. She let her eyes drop from him. Guilt and self-loathing was setting in. she looked at her healed wrist, not a single mark was left to reminder her of what she had just done.
"Lily you can't die, I won't let you." He was adamant, that much was clear but it was his next words were the ones that effected her deeply. They were the ones that changed her mind. "James wouldn't have wanted this. He wouldn't have wanted you to die too."
In that moment she hated him, in a way she had never felt before. She knew the truth but she wasn't ready to hear it. She tried to pushed him way but he only got closer. She hit and screamed until her voice went horse. Finally she let him pull her into a tight hug. Her head buried in his chest.
He was right. She couldn't kill herself, not now. She couldn't destroy the last piece of James left. Her hands clenched around her stomach. She couldn't kill their baby.
But she also knew she couldn't raise and protect this child on her own. If anyone found our her child was James, the baby would suffer the same fate as her Harry and she couldn't cope with another loss.
So Lily did something she would never forgive herself for. She leaned up, kissing Severus fiercely. He responded, pulling her impossible close to him. Her nervous fingers struggled with his shirt buttons. Her hand glided fearfully up his body. He was nothing like James. There was none of his soft sweetness. None of his gentle touches and playful kisses.
She couldn't stop crying as she shed his shirt from his back. She closed her eyes as he lifted her off the floor and took her to his bed.
AN. Don't freak out. It was necessary. Review!! Please?