Seymour's Bright Idea

By Nardo T. Icarus

Disclaimer: Nardo owns nothing.

Note: This chapter is partially inspired by a scene in a movie (read disclaimer), a free Penance cookie for whoever can guess the name, film company, and year correctly.

Where we left off, Seymour had just thrown Tidus into the Rift when he was confronted by a mysterious limousine. The door opened slowly to reveal the passenger, who turned out to be none other than the very person he annoyed the crap out of all those years ago: Yuna!

"Get in the car, Seymour. We need to discuss something," she said.

Seymour said, skittishly, "b-but, this is a-"

"Who cares what it is, JUST GET IN," demanded Yuna, as though she had never demanded anything before, which I'm not sure she even has.

"Okay, okay, sheesh," Seymour said as he got in the limo. The front seat belonged to the driver, obviously, and said driver was isolated from the passengers via a window. In the middle seats, which faced away from the driver, there were Yuna on the right-hind side of the vehicle and something mysterious hidden under a blanket. In the back seat there were, each of them occupying the end seats, Biran and Yenke Ronso (RANDOM!!!), who left a seat in the middle for Seymour.

"So, where'd you get a limo, anyway," asked Seymour.

"I don't knooooow," said Yuna in an innocent tone, "I just found it one day with a note on the windshield that said 'Lady Yuna, please take my limo, for I no longer have use for it.' So, I figured it'd be excellent for random things like this."

"Then who the heck is the driver," asked Seymour.

"I always wanted to drive a limo, ya," said an irritatingly familiar voice who didn't hear a word of the conversation, but just felt like saying what he said out of complete random.

"Are you insane, Yuna," asked Seymour, whose blood pressure shot up upon leaning the driver's identity.

"Yes, you are," said Yuna.

"No, I mean…come on! Wakka, the driver?! That's pure insanity," exclaimed Seymour.

"Wow, I never thought I'd see the day when we actually have something in common," said Yuna.

"That's it, if you invited me on this haunted hayride just to bash me, I'm-"

Seymour tried to leave the limo, which would've been an extremely stupid move, for the limo was moving. However, he stopped when he saw Biran glaring angrily at him and sat back down.

"So, how was your day, Seymour," asked Yuna, politely.

"Well, I was trying to record a music video on mushroom rock, but my partner refused and issued terroristic threats against me, so I'm no longer in the mood," he explained.

"Aw, that's too bad. Who was your partner," asked Yuna.

Remembering that it was Auron who was his 'partner,' he didn't want Yuna to know that for God knows what reason (which I don't, by the way, that's just a figure of speech). So, he formulated a fake name, "Uh, Auroch."

"The Besaid Aurochs issued terroristic threats against you," asked Yuna, all confused.

Suddenly the isolation window rolled down. "Look, if you wanna accuse the Aurochs of terroristic threats, be prepared to say that in court with a straight face, ya," said Wakka, taking his attention completely off the subject of driving.

"EYES ON THE WHEEL, HANDS ON THE ROAD," said Yuna, panicking.

"But I'll get run ove-"

"JUST DRIVE," yelled Yuna.

"Oh, my God," said Wakka, realizing the situation and quickly regaining control of the limo, then closing the window.

"That guy is a f***ing maniac," whispered Seymour, having almost suffered a heart attack.

"Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say in front of a little kid," said Yuna.

Seymour laughed, "that's where you're wrong, Yuna. WE'RE IN A LIMO! There ain't no kids in here."

"That's where you're wrong, Seymour," said Yuna, as the mysterious blanket next to her came off of what would become, what Seymour believes, his worst and most shameful mistake ever.

"Hi, Daddy," said a small Guado child who had been hiding under the blanket for the whole ride.

"Did…that kid just call me 'daddy,'" asked Seymour.

"Yes," confirmed Yuna, "Seymour, meet Signy…your daughter."

"Mah hoo with duh wut now," asked Seymour as the words, 'Signy' and 'Daughter' echoed in his head.

"And get this," said Yuna, "she was born eight years ago – just days after our wedding!"

"Annnnnnd, this means what, exactly," asked Seymour.

"It means you cheated on Mommy," said Signy.

"I don't know your mom, kid! Whaddya want," yelled Seymour, who remembered nothing before his patricide other than his Mother becoming a Fayth and the years he spent all alone at Baaj.

"Allow me to explain," said Yuna, triggering a flashback sequence with a rather long transition.

"Wakka," scolded Yuna.

"Sorry," said Wakka, who was having fun playing with the flashback transition controls in the limo.

*** Flashback to Guadosalam, previous day ***

After Seymour was shot in Chapter 1, Yuna had visited her parents in the Farplane like she'd been doing every year. As she was about to leave Guadosalam, she heard the voice of a soft-spoken woman with an Eastern European accent call, "Lady Yuna," in an excited tone.

"Eh," said a surprised Yuna.

"I'm glad I found you. Have you seen Seymour," asked the woman.

"Why do you ask," asked Yuna, who, having shot Seymour before, didn't want to upset the poor woman if she was someone who actually cared about Seymour.

"I miss him," cried the woman.

"How could you miss him, he's been living in Guadosalam for a while now."

"I vant him to come back to me, I miss him," the woman cried.

"What's your name," asked Yuna.

"Sveta," the woman said.

Sveta invited Yuna into her house, where she told the story of her and Seymour.

"So you were in love with Seymour, but he left you when you were about to have a baby," asked Yuna.

"Yes, that's vhat I just finished telling you," said Sveta.

Just then, Signy walked in. "Oh, company," she said.

"Signy, vhere are your manners, you say 'hello' to guests, not 'oh, company.' That makes it sound like you are annoyed vith them and you don't vant them to be there," said Sveta.

"I sorry, Mommy," said Signy.

"Now, vhat do you say," asked Sveta.

"I sorry," apologized Signy.

"It's okay," smiled Yuna at the cute, little eight-year-old.

*** END FLASHBACK ***

"And so, after Sveta let me spend the night, I came up with an idea to get you to at least meet your poor daughter, who never laid eyes on her daddy, and hopefully reunite you and Sveta, thus making her very happy," finished Yuna, who then added, "also, I wanted to put this limo to good use."

"Got that right, ya," added Wakka, muffled by the isolation window.

"Okay, so what you're telling me is, that this Sveta woman, who I apparently dated at one point, misses me and wants me to come back to her. Is that what you're saying," asked Seymour.

"Yup," said Yuna, Signy, Biran, Yenke, and Wakka in unison.

"Who's Sveta," asked Seymour.

"Seymour, you have the memory of an amnesiac, brain-dead, little goldfish if you don't remember what I just told you," said Yuna, annoyed at Seymour's denial.

"If this Sveta wants me back, why doesn't she just come to the palace," questioned Seymour.

"She's kinda shy," said Yuna, "she's not sure she's quite ready to face you after all these years."

"So, she wants to fight me? Fine, I'll be at her house as Omnis tomorrow," declared Seymour.

"Don't hurt Mommy," yelled Signy.

"Ugh, Seymour, you're dumber than even I thought possible for you," Yuna said.

The car stopped and the isolation window rolled down. "Okay, we're here, ya," announced Wakka.

"Welcome to Food Cat, can I take your order," asked the nasal female voice over an intercom.

"Okay, what's everybody want," asked Wakka.

"Ugh, my diet is ruined," groaned Yuna, "I hope you can live happily ever after this with yourself." She began to tell Wakka her order, "I'll have a lion burger, fries, and a strawberry milkshake, please."

"I want a kitty meal," announced Signy.

"TIGER TACOS," yelled the two Ronso.

"What do you want, Seymour," asked Yuna.

"I don't want anything," said Seymour.

"Get him a hot dog," said Yuna.

"Okay," answered Wakka.

"Ah dun wanna fr***in' hot dog," mumbled Seymour.

"Language, Seymour," said Yuna.

"Or you will be stoned to death for your insolence," said Signy out of complete random. Yuna scooted over a little bit.

"Okay, everything's ordered, time to go pick it up, ya," narrated Wakka.

"When does this ride end," asked Seymour.

"I don't knooooow," said Yuna, innocently, "what do you think, Wakka?"

"Well, we gotta go to the Rift," said Wakka.

"The Rift," questioned Yuna.

"Yup," confirmed Wakka.

"Why," asked Signy.

"Apparently, Tidus called me roughly six minutes ago on the limousine's built-in, hands-free, cellular phone, which I'm hoping we're not gonna get any bills on, and told me that Seymour trapped him in the Rift. So we're gonna go an' get him out, ya," explained Wakka.

"Seymour," yelled Yuna, with a sad, yet angry look on her face.

"Why'd ya go and do that, Daddy," asked Signy.

"He was interfering with my music video, so I used every level 3 elemental spell on him and sent him home early," explained Seymour.

"That's dumb," said Signy.

Seymour became enraged, "Why you little-"

Yuna stopped him from doing whatever it was he was about to do, "Seymour, you're supposed to be setting an example for Signy, that includes how to control your anger."

"Yeah, you're not being a very good daddy, Daddy," added Signy.

Yuna giggled, "so cute," and hugged Signy.

"FOOOOOOOOOD'S , ya," announced Wakka, overenthusiastically, as he handed everyone their food.

"You didn't have to yell, you know," said Seymour.

"Shut up and eat your hot dog, Daddy," said Signy." Yuna giggled.

"Okay, people, listen up," said Wakka, "keep your heads, arms, legs, tongues, noses, horns, and hair inside the car, ya? 'RE…"

Seymour panicked as if something awful were about to happen.

"Going to the Rift, ya," said Wakka as he drove into a wormhole at 16 miles and hour.

NEXT TIME: The return of Tidus and the most comical battle the Rift has ever seen!