The three of them sat in Red Dwarfs spare Starbug, the Cat who was dressed in a white full length coat and tiger pattern boats steered them towards the mega mall.

"There it is, isn't she a bute?" said Kryten pointing at the huge mass of metal and glass.

"WOW, that things big." Said the Cat stating the obvious.

"Indeed, scanners suggest it is four and half times bigger than Red Dwarf if not bigger." Confirmed Kryten.

"What's it doing out here in deep space? I mean I know out of town shopping was the in thing but this is taking things a wee bit too far." asked Lister.

"Best guess, it lost it's space anchor and was sling shoted out towards the edge of the universe." Said Kryten.

Lister sat back placing his hands behind his head and said. "Well, let's break open the credit card crowbar and go shopping. Take us in Cat."

The small craft was totally dwarfed by the mall. As they approached one of the many landing bays they could read the huge glowing sign welcoming them.

'Welcome to Blue Water off world Mega mall. Making shopping your life.'

"Hey I've lost manual." Proclaimed the Cat.

"It's OK sir, it's just the malls own auto pilot taking over. We are quite safe." Said Kryten.

The Cat looked out at the huge parking dock. "Do you think anyone is home?" he grinned.

Lister raised an eyebrow. "If Rimmer has gone alone, there is a good bet it is devoid of life and danger, that scum bag would not risk his neck going in alone otherwise ."

"Indeed sir, it does appear completely empty, scans report no life signs, however it does seem that the station is still operational and has limited power." Reported Kryten.

The three of them walked to the greeting station were an info sign greeted them in an absurdly chirpy voice.

"Welcome to Blue Water off world Mega mall, we hope you enjoy your stay and would remind you that we never close. Have a nice shop."

"Weird." Said Lister entering an almost entry area. He spotted a map on the wall. "Hey guys take a look at this, this place has everything. Look there is even a McKebab, I love those guys." Said Lister looking excited.

The Cat scanned the map. "Hey, this place is a Cats paradise. They have every designer ever known here, and over 200 beauty parlours. AWwooooow somebody pinch me, because I think I'm dreaming." Said the Cat dancing on the spot.

"Sirs, I suggest we stay together, there is a real danger of getting lost." Flustered Kryten.

"Relax Dad, look see here on the map, that big central area, we will meet there at 1900hrs, that's 4 hours away." Said Lister pointing to the map.

"OK, but I recommend we each take a walkie talkie just in case." Said Kryten handing a unit to each of them.

"What, just in case we get attacked by the killer security tags, actually scrub I said that knowing our luck that probably would happen." Said Lister.

The Cat had moved to the next room. "Hey guys, come look at these." He called.

Lister and Kryten found the Cat riding a small white golf cart in which he was pulling wheelies and spins around the cart parking area.

Lister grinned. "Nice, very nice."

The three of them each climbed into a cart of their own and set off down the ramp and into the mall. As they entered the main mall area they stopped the carts and stared around in wonder.

"Oh my." Said Kryten

"AWwoooowww." said the Cat.

"Now that's pretty smegging cool." Said Lister

Before them stretched not only row upon row of smooth glass fronted stores but also floor upon floor of them. In fact Lister was not sure he could see the top floor, it just seemed to go on and on for ever. In the middle a central shaft ran up, with dozens of glass elevators. The smooth marble floor stretched on and on before them, and the number of tropical plants made this place look more like a jungle back on earth.

"This place is massive!" stated Lister looking up and down the expanse before them.

"Indeed it is, and remember this is only one of 24 island malls on the Mall planetoid." Said Kryten.

The Cat look at the others alarmed. "24, man if I had known I would of brought my leg waxing kit as well as the hair tongs I have already brought."

Lister looked down at the carts on board shopper assist system screen. He tapped it experimentally and noticed it offered him a series of search options. He selected the one for the McKebab and hit go. His cart burst into life and set off on auto pilot. Lister called over his shoulder to the others. "See you at seven!"

The Cat followed suit and he too was soon speeding away towards his chosen destination.

Kryten tapped his screen. "Hmmm let's see" He ignored the standard search and hit the advanced option. "Arrhh that's more like it." He scanned the options and found what he was looking for. 'Operations and Control Centre' he hit the go button and sped off.

Rimmer walked along the marble walkway on level 24. He had decided to leave the cart at the elevator and go for a stroll. He was starting to regret it, for two reasons. The first was just the simple fact that this place was huge and he had been walking for 20 minutes and still had not left the mobile communicator section. He could swear he had passed over 400 hundred different types of outlets for these devices, he had no idea there was so many. The second was that although the scanner had reported that there was no life in the mall, he had the distinct feeling he was being watched.

At last he found the store he was looking for. '2003 Useful Add-ons for your Hard light Hologram.' Stated the shop sign.

Rimmer grinned and stepped through the open shop front. As he crossed the threshold a voice greeted him.

"Thank you for shopping, please take your time, we are sure you will find…." The voice cut off mid sentence. 'That's odd, but then it was millions of years since last active duty so not really surprising.' thought Rimmer.

He began to look around the shop. His eyes fell upon a nearby shelf. On it a series of cards read

'Hard light update 2004hb30a – Enhances strength and performance'

'Interesting' thought Rimmer.

He read the next.

'Hard light update 2006hb23b – Night vision

'Now that sounded fun.' Thought Rimmer.

He picked up the two small boxes associated with the items and continued to look round the store. As he walked up and down the many isles he began to feel worried again. It almost feel like something was following him, but when he looked around there was nothing there. The panic inside him began to grow and grow, soon he was too afraid to look over his shoulder and just walked briskly on. He noticed the optional clothes section and headed for a tightly packed section and just as he passed it he parted the hanging jackets and slid between the soft holo fabric. He made a mental note to try one on once he had found out who or what was following him around. He waited in silence.

A fall ten minutes passed and still nothing. Rimmer decided to wait another ten, just to be doubly sure it was his mind playing tricks.

Ten further minutes passed, still no sound, nothing. He took a deep breath and said out loud from behind the black jacket he was clutching.

"Look, I don't know who or what you are, but you better know I am a rather well known space adventurer and I'm pretty dam scary." Said Rimmer in a slightly nervous sounding voice.

A small voice replied to this statement of bravado from the outside his hiding place. "In that case sir may I suggest we take a walk over the Space Adventurer accessory isle."

Rimmer gulped at hearing the voice but something deep inside told him it did not sound like a large space monster or an intergalactic alien ready to rip his insides out. No in fact it sounded rather small and if honest a bit helpful. Rimmer plucked up every once of courage he had and poked his head out between the hanging jackets.

"Hello sir, please don't be alarmed, I am here for your connivance, please place any items in my basket and I will automatically display a running total." Reported the hovering shopping basket in a small helpful voice.

Rimmer sighed with relief and recomposed himself. He stepped out from his hiding place and addressed the basket. "Oh, very good then, here." He popped the two boxes he was still holding in to the basket.

"Thank you, please continue to shop and I will be nearby when required." Stated the basket.

Rimmer thought how silly he had been, frightened of a shopping basket, he grinned and thought. 'Yes indeedee this place was indeed special.'

He continued to browse the many shelves and displays with all sorts of wonders that he had no idea what they would be used for.

Finally at last he found what he was looking for. In front of him was blue terminal covered in what looked like white crosses on a green background. The device had a sign stating.

'Improve your look today, get Holo surgery right here right now.'

Rimmer was fairly happy with his face, but he had always thought that the downstairs department could do with a slight re-adjustment. He tapped the screen.

'Welcome to Holo surgery 404, here we can interface with your lightbee program and make all the adjustments you require for a small fee. Please select the body part you wish to improve. Don't forget all our surgery is totally painless and your money back if you're not totally happy with the results.'

'Well, you could not ask more than that.' Thought Rimmer.

On screen was a 'scan & see' option. Temptation got the better of him and Rimmer pressed the button. A blue strobe light came out from the machine and traced up and down his body. As he watched a 3D picture of him slowly displayed on the screen.

Rimmer grinned, next he selected the body part he wanted to adjust which resulted in the image zooming in on his groin area. Rimmer could not help but feel embarrassed and shot a glance over his shoulder to check no one was watching. 'What was he worried about, there is no one here.' He thought and continued on with the adjustment as the device called it.

Rimmers adjustment option could be shrunk or expanded. Two arrow buttons allowed him to experiment. Rimmer pressed the right arrow and watched as his nether regions expanded to elephant proportions, the device flashed up a warning.

'Warning – Extremity is too large!'

Rimmer tapped the left arrow to make it more realistic, however it was clearly a more sizeable package that he had before. Grinning like a Cheshire cat he tapped the add to basket button and waited for the program to cost the adjustment up.

'Adjustment fee = 17,500 Dollar Pounds'

Rimmer took a step back. 'My god that is a lot of money, but I guess money well spent.' He thought and clicked the checkout button.

A series of contractual warnings flashed up on the screen, mostly about no liability with reference to holo matrix corruptions etc. Rimmer held the down arrow and found the end some four pages later, then hit the 'I Accept' button without reading any of it.

Lister had found the McKebab shop closed, well not so much closed but rather understaffed, so he decided to check out something else. He tapped the on board map and located the music section. He pressed go and the cart sped off in a new direction.

Lister watched as row upon row of shops sped past, until finally his cart slowed and stopped outside a huge fronted store that proclaimed.

'IF GOD MADE IT – WE GOT IT!'

Lister thought. 'That's a pretty big claim.' But hopped off his cart and strolled inside.

The entrance way greeting fired into life and music blasted from two huge speakers on either side of the doorway.

Then a male vocal singers voice began to sign in a classic rock ballad style. "Welcome to our store, where you can listen and play mooooreeee!"

"Nice!" said Lister and walked in.

The Cat having found the same problem as Lister that none of the beauty salons were manned had decided to go clothes shopping.

He pulled up outside a store with a sign in glittery gold letters.

'Retro World, If it's funky we got it!'

"Hey, funky is my sixth favourite thing." He said as he funked into the store.

He got about 10 paces before he saw it, and was fixed to the spot. In front of him stood the biggest widest, smoothest mirror he had ever seen.

He stood there transfixed until a small voice made him turn around slowly.

"Excuse me sir, but can I be of assistance?" asked the small small red plastic shopping basket that floated a short distance away.

"What, Errr sure, I need clothes, stylish clothes and lots of them!" screeched the Cat.

"I am afraid I am unable to select clothes for you sir as I lack both programming and the physical means to retrieve them. You require a assistant sir." Said the basket.

"Sure, get me one of those." Replied the Cat loosing interest.

"I am afraid all shop assistants are offline currently." Stated the basket.

"Never mind, I'm still admiring my beautiful body, don't you think I'm a gift from the gods." Asked the Cat.

"Sir if I was programmed with style knowledge do you think I would still be doing this job, I mean It's hardly aspiring to be a lowly shopping basket. I had dreams you know. I wanted to travel, see the mall. I here there are baskets up in the women's dreams section that can send a basket over the edge." Sighed the basket.

"Whatever!" replied the cat reaching for a silk shirt with purple inlay frills.

Kryten entered the dark room, his night vision was cutting through the gloom, he was quickly able to make his way to his destination.

He tutted as he noticed the coffee cup still on the console as if left by someone just now but in reality it was millions of years old. His fingers brushed it as he attempted to pick it up but it crumbled to dust as he made contact.

He tried the console, a single tap to the screen and a series of lights began to flicker on followed by a greeting.

'Welcome to Mall security, please state your clearance.'

Kryten tutted, knowing full well he had none. "Err computer, I am a guest to the mall and looking for the last security log please could you provide it to me." He tried.

The computer remained silent for a couple of moments and then brought up a log.

Kryten scanned the log at speed.

"Oh my." He said as he reached about half way through.

"Oh dear, oh dear I must find the others." He said as he finished.

Next time: Lister meets a new friend....