The Cat dropped soundlessly down onto the floor below the open vent, landing in a crouched position he looked around at the others, and then glanced back up at the open vent to see Rimmers head poking out of the open hole.
"Errr are you absolutely sure it is safe to come down?" asked Rimmer from his position in the vent.
Lister waved to him. "Yeah, come on quick Rimmer."
Rimmer looked down at the floor below; it looked a pretty long way from where he was laying. Heights he had no real problem with, it was more the landing from heights that was the issue. And why oh why he had suggested they tool up, I mean, who did he think he was, Ace Rimmer, and why had she agreed with him. Was it some twisted loyalty to a kindred Hologram or just a death wish that needed scratching. He pushed the thoughts aside and turned his hologramatic body around in the small space and dangled his legs over the edge. 'Here goes.' He thought and pushed himself out of the vent.
Rimmer fell rather than jumped from the vent, and landed badly, arms flailing, he toppled backwards into a pile of shell cases.
The others glared at Rimmer as he dusted himself off, resulting in more noise erupting from the shell cases dropping to the ground around Rimmers feet.
Lister put a finger to his lips. "SSshhhh man, do you want every Zombie in the neighbourhood on our case!"
"I'm sorry." Huffed Rimmer. "But exiting enclosed vents into armouries was not on basic space core training."
"Well from now on let's all keep it down OK, because we don't want those smeggers out there to find us?" said Lister motioning with his hands.
"An excellent plan sir, with one major flaw." Said Kryten sounding slightly worried.
"What flaw?" asked Rimmer.
Kryten pointed to the windows at the front of the store. "They have already found us!" he said going into panic mode.
"OK, calm down, lets tool up and get back to Red Dwarf." Said Lister grabbing a vintage sawn off shot gun with modified laser sight.
Sam appeared from the back of the store. "Nice gun, but I think this might do more damage." She said holding what appeared to be a very sleek looking metal gun.
"What is it?" asked the Cat.
"It's a light particle expander." Said Sam
"A what?" asked the Cat with a confused expression.
"Sir, I believe it's a ray gun, for many decades it was the stuff of science fiction, mostly seen in bad early movies being carried by huge metal creatures, who just happen to be cashing ladies in flowing white gowns. I mean, what would a robot be doing chasing her with a gun, clearly the lady was in distress and needed her garment ironing. An iron would have been far more appropriate." Said Kryten tutting.
"Kryten, wipe that raving drawl from your circuit boards and start to make sense will you." Said Rimmer.
Kryten continued. "What I mean is that they really do exist, science fiction was turned into since fact."
"OK, so it's a ray gun, but what does it do?" asked Lister.
Sam cocked the weapon. "It fires a pulse of light that when coming into contact with any other light will expand it to infinity and thus destroy it. In short, it's a hologram killer."
Rimmer looked shocked. "What, they actually made them. I thought a universal ban was ordered on the development of such a weapon." Said Rimmer his voice slightly tenser at the news of such a dangerous weapon.
"It seems that those rules did not apply to this off world shopping mall." Said Kryten picking up a twin barrel rifle.
Lister looked at him in surprise. "Hang on Kryters, what you doing man, you know you can't take a human life."
"Indeed I can't but these are not human, in fact in the zombie state they are less than car park attendants and so I am free to if you excuse the crude pun, Kick zombie butt!" Said Kryten cocking his weapon.
The Cat reappeared with a grin on his face. He had returned brandishing two silver pulse pistols. "Now, these babies are what my hands were made for." He said spinning them on his fingers.
"All the same, I'll keep the old faithful." Said Lister patting the shotgun.
Rimmer disappeared for a bit, then re-appeared from the back of the store. He was holding a huge beast of a weapon. Lister counted the eight small barrels on the front, and noticed the larger single tube underneath.
"And they say size doesn't matter." He said grinning at Rimmer.
"Well as they used to say in space scouts. The right tool for the right job." Said Rimmer.
"Yeah, but we are not going elephant hunting Rimmer." Said Lister.
"You won't be so critical when this baby gets going. It said on the label that it fires over 2000 lasers per minute, and this model has the optional pulse grenade launcher." Said Rimmer patting the gun.
A noise from the front of the store made them turn and look.
"Well looks like you're going to need to put that baby to work Rimmer, the main doors about to give way." Said Lister looking at the main doors that were bulging under the external pressure of so many hologram zombie bodies.
The five of them stood there in silence as they waited for the inevitable to happen. Looking like something out of an old spaghetti western, they waited.
The door gave way and a surge of zombie holograms tumbled into the front of the store.
"Wait, for it." Said Lister.
"Wait, why wait, let's toast these suckers!" yelled the Cat.
Rimmer did not need any further encouragement and squeezed the trigger gently. The front of his weapon began to spin and hum, this was followed by a shower of blue light that streamed out from Rimmer gun. They punched into the first wave of zombies.
Zombie holograms rapidly expanded out of existence but were quickly replaced by fresh zombies ready to take the place of the fallen.
Realising that Rimmers weapon alone was not enough Lister shouted to the others.
"OK GUYS LET EM HAVE IT!"
He cocked his own weapon with that reassuring clicking sound and squeezed off a round, the nearest Zombie span round and lay fizzing on the floor, its shoulder badly damaged by the blast.
The others followed suit, and soon zombies were being zapped and blasted from every direction.
"IT'S NO GOOD THEY KEEP JUST COMING!" shouted Rimmer in alarm.
Lister let of another volley and turned to Rimmer. "Use the grenade launcher, man." He said mimicking someone throwing a grenade.
Rimmer fumbled with the controls, he had not had time to read the 202 page manual on using and servicing your pulse canon 4000 gun. 'Dam it, which button!' he thought as he scanned the options on the side, then he saw it. A big red one with a flame picture on it. He wasted no time, aimed and pressed the button. A hollow thump noise came out of the end of his weapon followed by an explosion of light in the middle of the zombie group.
The light cleared and it seemed that a gap had opened up in the hordes approach.
Rimmer grinned and something inside stirred if only for a second.
Lister pointed and shouted. "LETS GO GUYS!" and led the way out of the store.
No sooner had he stepped out of the door a hand grabbed his neck and thrust him back against the nearby wall. He stared up into the blank eyes of his six foot seven Zombie hologram attacker. 'Trust my luck to get the security guard zombie.' Thought Lister.
"AARROooooo" moaned the Zombie in Listers face.
"AEerrroo" cried Lister back at the zombie followed by a dull click. "SMEG, out of ammo. CAT help!"
The Cat seeing Lister turning deathly white from the grip on his neck sprang to the side of the zombie. It flailed at him with its free hand, but missed.
"Too slow for this kitty, sucker!" mocked the Cat. He raised his gun to the zombies temple and fired. For a moment shock seemed to register on the face then relief followed by nothing as the light flared and it was gone.
"Cheers man, I thought I was a goner for sure." Spluttered Lister rubbing his now red neck.
Rimmer and Sam exited the store and noticed the fresh wave heading towards them.
"Err, time we left and quick, which parking dock did you park in?" asked Sam.
"Bay 2004 dock D mam." Said Kryten who despite his claim at taking on the zombies had failed to shoot one single shot. Inside he had turned the gun on its end and used it like a cricket bat.
"Well I suggest we head that way." Said Sam, pointing down the clear corridor in front of them.
They all nodded and headed off.
Behind them a mass of hologram swaying zombies followed them slowly down the corridor.
"Hey, you know we might make it." Said the Cat optimistically.
"Yeah and Lister here might up his annual bath to bi annual, let's not count our chickens just yet." Said Rimmer.
"I was just saying EERrrrrrr" cried the Cat, as he was dragged backwards into a nearby hemp clothing store.
"Heeyyy oowww anything but hemp, hey Mr zombie, can't you kill me somewhere with decent fabric, like silk, I mean I can do anything with silk.
"AAARRrroooooo" replied the Zombie continuing back towards the hemp clothing store.
"Hey, it's got the Cat, Rimmer stop him you're the closest." Said Lister in desperation.
Rimmer watched as the creature dragged the Cat backwards, it was one thing to blast away at them at a distance but hand to hand, he could be in real danger.
"Sorry can't" cried Rimmer.
"What you mean can't! Rimmer smegging do something." Said Lister frustrated that he could not get a clear shot himself.
Rimmer fell backwards, as a blur pushed past him and crashed into the zombie attacker. The Cat was let go and the blur and the zombie continued on inside the shop.
"What was that?" asked Rimmer picking himself up from the floor.
"I think it was our hologramatic friend Sam." Said Kryten looking around for her.
"Smeg, what's she gone and done." Said Lister who started to approach the shop entrance.
"Sir, we have to go, there is no time." Said Kryten looking urgently at the horde approaching down the corridor.
"No, we can't leave her man, she's all alone, you know like me." Said Lister.
Rimmer grabbed Listers arm, his new found strength holding Lister in place. "No Lister, she's not, she's a hologram. Remember like you said to me when you first came out of stasis just light and stuff." Said Rimmer softly.
"Yeah, but she still deserves better than being stuck here in this place running from zombies all day." Said Lister turning to face Rimmer.
"If we don't go now we will be joining her." Said the Cat brushing the creases out of his jacket.
Lister stopped pulling and said. "OK, I know, come on let's go."
The four, raced away from the now worryingly close mass of bodies.
"Here it is sir, docking port D." said Kryten pointing at the exit.
"Well I'm going to wait here for a bit, see if she turns up." Said Lister looking hopefully out into the Mall.
Rimmer turned to him. "Sorry Listy but I don't think it's likely, you saw the way that horde swept into the shop after her."
"Yeah I know, but I'm still going to wait for a bit. You and Kryten go warm Starbug up, I'll stay here with the Cat." Said Lister.
"OK" said Rimmer, patting Lister on the shoulder he turned and followed Kryten through the exit.
Lister scanned the mall floor, they had not seen any more signs of the horde since leaving them behind on that upper level. 'What a screwed up mess this place turned out to be.' He thought.
The Cat idly twiddled his guns. "Hey cheer up bud, think of it this way, if she has became a zombie at least she will have more in common with her friends again."
"Cat, that's not helping." Said Lister.
A light flashed on a nearby monitor. "Hey I think something's up with that monitor." Said the Cat.
"What?" said Lister turning to see what the Cat was talking about. A flashing light blipped on and off. He dropped the gun, and ran to the terminal and pressed the screen. Almost instantly an image faded into view.
"SAM?" said Lister.
"Lister, are you and the rest OK?" she asked.
"Yeah we made it back to the docking port, what about you?" asked Lister the concern clearly showing in his voice.
"Oh fine, you know, just having a bit to eat." Smiled Sam.
"Aren't you coming over here, we can work out a way of having two holograms on Red Dwarf we have done it before." Said Lister hopefully.
"There isn't time, it seems that your mechinoid Kryten must have triggered the Malls security virus system, we have less than 5 minutes before the station will run a self destruct, to cleanse the virus from this system." Said Sam.
"Hey that's a bit drastic, can't we shut it down?" asked Lister.
"I don't think so, needs command authorisation, and I think all senior staff are now zombies."
"Oh." Replied Lister simply, realising the fatality of the situation.
"You going to be OK?" asked Lister.
"Sure, just remember me OK? And keep playing that music you love." She said a small hologramatic tear forming in her eye. "Now go, before it's too late." She finished firmly.
Lister nodded and turned to the Cat. "Come on Cat, let's go home."
Back on board Red Dwarf the four of them stood at the view screen looking out at the flashes of destruction coming from the mall world.
"What a waste." Said Lister.
"Dam right, all those lovely suits." Said the Cat pulling a hankie from his pocket and blowing his nose.
"All that tech, all those dreams people had in building a place like that, and in the end it was destroyed by a simple virus." Said Lister turning to leave.
"Not quite sir, hardly a simply virus, according to the scans I have on the psi-scanner it was very complicated indeed. I think we are lucky to come away as we did, who knows what would of happened if Mr Rimmer here had contracted it." Said Kryten.
"For one, goalpost head might have made more sense." Quipped the Cat.
Lister chuckled and left the room to find his guitar, he had a new song to write.
The End!