Notes: Set after Gaara interacts with Sakura but before he approaches Lee. Gaara gets "The Talk" has been done before by other authors so it's only touched upon briefly. I hope the line breaks aren't too bothersome.
"Tell me about dating."
Temari, who'd just done a very unfeminine spit take, stared at Gaara as if he'd suddenly announced Shukaku was really quite sweet once you got to know him. This was not a conversation she wanted to have. This was not a conversation she'd thought she'd ever have to have. Like the rest of the village she'd taken him for completely indifferent to sex and figured something so frivolous as courtship was below his notice. Sure, there were brainless kunoichi cooing over him, but to think their talk had sunk in? This was bad in every color of the rainbow. Why couldn't he have asked Kankurou?
She pasted on her biggest smile and asked through her teeth, "Gaara, wha-what brought this on all of a sudden?" Whoever it put this idea in his head is going to get it.
"One of the village council members asked me if I ever intend to sire offspring. His daughter has been staring at me lately."
"R-really now?" If I have to give Gaara "the talk," I'll lobotomize that geezer with my fan. "What did you say?"
"Children are small, noisy, and weak. I have no desire to make any."
Whew. The thought of Gaara as a father is downright creepy.
"But Naruto seems to think that such things are very important, so perhaps dating would be a good idea, but I lack information."
I'll kill the old man, then I'll castrate Naruto. "I'll…have to get back to you on this. It's a very complicated subject."
Gaara nodded, finished his meal, and left a stupefied Temari in his wake.
After the fact, Temari had to admit she was pleased Gaara has progressed enough to be interested in dating. Compared to all the years of murder, this was almost surreal, and she had to grudgingly acknowledge it was a pleasant change. Bizzare, but…pleasant. It was a good thing that Gaara wanted to know about dating, and surely if she told herself that enough times she'd start to believe it.
Who had the lack of self-preservation and foolishness to even think of dating Gaara? Whoever it was had to be powerful enough to be worthy of her brother's attention and still be in their age group. Was there anyone who wasn't terrified of him and forgiving enough to see past all the senseless killing, who could accept that one day Shukaku might escape and they'd have to kill Gaara? Nobody in Suna, that's for sure. The current fangirl population didn't count, because they were all empty-headed twits that Temari could kill in her sleep. None of those girls remembered what Gaara was capable of, and would probably faint at the mere mention of the One-Tail. There was nobody respectable that she could accept dating her baby brother. But in Konoha…
Time to get Kankurou in on this; he understood Gaara better, anyway.
Kankurou knew exactly who would be crazy enough to consider dating Gaara, provided everyone involved swung that way. Two somebodies that were reckless, fearless, brash, lacking common sense, and powerful enough to make an impact on Gaara: Naruto and Rock Lee. This wasn't without problems, though.
Everybody who'd ever been to Leaf when Lee was there knew he was trying (and failing miserably) to date Sakura. He was quite good at making his voice carry during those long speeches about Youth and Passion and Spring. (Kankurou suspected the pink-haired kunoichi's stealth was greatly improving as a result.) Nobody wanted to date him because he was just too weird, and nobody else seemed to have the heart to tell Lee that.
Everyone knew Naruto had a crush on Sakura, and Kankurou had eyes, which meant he knew the Hyuuga girl held a candle for him, and he gave some very mixed signals when it came to the Uchiha brat. Hell, Sakura was giving some mixed signals herself. Not to mention Naruto's emotional maturity was somewhat lacking, and he was off training with one of the Sannin. They might have inner monsters in common, but hooking him up with his brother would prove troublesome.
Hooking somebody up with Gaara. Kankurou decided he could use some sake, age restrictions be damned. He was old enough to kill people, he was old enough to drink.
Then he remembered that eliminating Naruto meant the crazy eyebrow boy was the only acceptable candidate left, and Kankurou figured he'd need enough sake to make Tsunade jealous if he continued to think about that one.
Gaara had requested to be the one to save Lee. (Well, more like he said, "I'll save the green one," and took off but that was different enough to be noteworthy.) His mission report mentioned that the shield of sand had protected Lee, which was certainly unusual, but failed to indicate if that was his or the Sand's will. Maybe there was something to work with.
Time to talk to Temari again. After drinking it off his mind.
"You're kidding me."
"Think about it, Temari. He's the only one that fits all the criteria, and we have a hell of a lot less competition with him than Naruto."
"But he's so…so…" her face contorted in an effort to encompass Lee's eccentric nature.
"I know what you mean, but you've got to admit he'd try hard to make things work and not do some of the dumb shit Naruto inevitably would." Kankurou had a hard time believing he was actually defending this.
His sister gave a frustrated growl "Alright, you have a point, but how are we going to explain sex and dating to Gaara in a way he'll understand? I'm sure as hell not doing it."
"Leave that to Baki-sensei," Kankurou said with a nasty smile.
Temari's answering grin was equally cruel.
When they informed their old jounin sensei that it was time Gaara received a talk on romantic love and what came with it, he blanched but otherwise managed to keep his features schooled into something neutral.
"I suppose you're right. He never went to the special seminars and if he's…making inquiries, he should know. I'll…" Baki couldn't hold back a flinch, "talk to Kazekage-sama about it."
After he left, Kankurou and Temari discussed good hiding places near the Kazekage's office between snickers.
As the closest thing Gaara had to a father figure, Baki felt obligated to be the one to breech such a…sensitive topic with the Kazekage, even if it made him uncomfortable. He'd killed dozens of people in cold blood, been to war, infiltrated enemy ranks…all of that seemed so much more straightforward than having to explain the ins and outs of relationships to somebody as emotionally stunted as Gaara. (Really, it'd been a miracle the boy had gotten it together enough to convince others he could lead the village.)
Such thoughts were unkind—his Kazekage had expressed interest, and he had a duty to explain everything as best he could, without bias. That didn't mean he was any less disgruntled about Gaara's siblings dumping this on him, though—payback was due, in good time. Perhaps anonymous love letters would do the trick.
Quelling a smirk, Baki knocked on the door and mentally prepared himself.
"What's he saying?"
"Give me a break, Temari. This isn't as easy as it looks!"
After some debate, they'd decided sending Karasu up to spy had the smallest chance of being caught. Pissing off Baki and Gaara at once wasn't something they wanted to risk, but on the downside, it took up most of Kankurou's concentration and they couldn't catch everything.
"It can't be that hard to tweak a mini-camera and microphone remotely."
Kankurou decided not to tell her he hadn't used these much since the last Chuunin exam and was getting rusty—he'd never hear the end of it.
"Often one initiates courtship with a gift—flowers and chocolate are most common, but gifts are by no means required. Dating is usually a means of finding love—"
They both adjusted their earpieces and grinned. Results! Too bad they couldn't see the video until the conversation was over.
"Nice work, little brother."
"Shh, we'll miss the conversation."
"—marriage or lifelong companionship. Some see it as more of a way to obtain sexual gratification, but such people usually settle down after a—"
"Whoa, he's not pulling any punches!"
"Shh yourself, Kankurou!"
"Bah, he's just going on about how to date now, that's boring."
So they started playing cards as Baki explained the many types of love, dating and marriage customs, social stigmas associated with some relationships. (Both of them were glad they'd never have to bring up incest taboos, it'd be too weird.) Gaara sat silently through the talk of families, homosexuality, close friendships, and how fuzzy the borders between relationships could be.
When he did ask questions, they were a real killer. "How do you recognize love? How can you receive it?"
Neither Temari nor Kankurou would admit how much those questions touched them, and they didn't speak at all during the 10 minutes of Baki's slightly fumbling but honest explanation.
"This correlates well with the information Haruno Sakura gave me."
Temari and Kankurou looked at each other, dumbfounded.
"You don't know anything about this?"
"You don't either?"
"What the hell!"
"—she kissed me. It was—"
"WHAT?" shrieked Temari, forgetting they were supposed to be stealthy and making quite a few passerby jump. "I thought she was in love with Sasuke! What the fuck is she doing touching my little brother? She was only here a week ago!"
"Temari, calm down! I can't hear a thing over your screeching!"
She continued muttering something about interrogation techniques under her breath.
"I'm…glad you brought that up, Gaara. It's time I explained the physical aspects of relationships."
The next half hour was spent gleefully chortling at Baki's expense. Explaining sex was awkward but easy enough, until Gaara started asking why people did it. That sent his siblings rolling. Sadly, Baki only put up with it for so long after explaining endorphins and chemical responses didn't seem to work.
"Kazekage-sama, I'm afraid some things will only be clear once you experience these emotions and situations. When the time comes, I'm sure it'll make much more sense to you."
"Cop-out," muttered Kankurou.
"Should you have any more questions, I'm sure your siblings would be happy to answer your questions."
Temari looked to Kankurou. "He knows we're listening."
"Damn it all, we're screwed. He'll never let us live this down."
Accepting their defeat, they did what any good shinobi would do—removed all traces and ran the hell away.
Several days later, Gaara did approach them as they ate lunch. Temari used it as an opportunity to try to ferret out what had happened with Sakura, but Gaara proved resistant to her probing.
Instead, he asked if she was dating Shikamaru, which nearly made her choke on her onigiri. "N-no, we aren't dating! We just…spend a lot of time together."
"That, Gaara, is called denial."
"It is not!"
Apparently, Gaara didn't care about such things. "Kankurou, are you dating anyone?"
"Nope. Haven't met somebody I want to just yet." Though I've got a few ideas.
"How can you tell?"
Awww shit. "Well, if you want to spend time with somebody, maybe kiss them or something, that's a pretty good indication."
Thankfully, Temari saved him. "Is there somebody on your mind, Gaara?"
Gaara looked away. "I don't know."
"Well, Kankurou and I have been talking, and we have an idea of somebody you might try…If you're interested, that is."
That caught his attention, so they went on to explain to Gaara why he should try dating Lee, of all people. They weren't sure how well they'd pitched it but it was worth a shot.
When he asked to go to Konoha a week later, Kankurou and Temari felt cautiously jubilant. The bizarre, big-browed taijutsu specialist was in for a surprise. Hopefully, he'd act as they predicted. But if he hurt Gaara's feelings, he'd be one dead ninja, alliance or no.