The Doctor's Handguide to Surviving as Chief Medical Officer in GI Joe
Dr. Carla Greer hadn't planned on taking her uncle's place as 'Doc' to the Joes when she started medical school, but then she hadn't expected that he'd be brutally murdered in combat either. She missed the man who was her uncle and godfather and had vowed to be as good as he was or better. She learned that she was as least as good as, when General Hawk had wandered into Walter Reed Medical Centre one day to ask her if she'd like to become his co-chief medical officer. Carla folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow at Hawk, who decided to tell her why he was asking.
"I'm not risking the lives of my team for sentimental reasons Dr. Greer. I need a Chief M.O. who can handle pressure, is highly skilled, and comes highly recommended. You meet all of those qualifications in spades. You're C.O.'s all speak highly of you. Your record speaks volumes, and my current doctor highly recommends you as well," Hawk said. Carla raised her other eyebrow and Hawk smiled. "Lifeline's been keeping tabs on you since you started medical school. He knows your qualifications better than anyone else I've spoken to."
Carla smirked. "Ed's a good guy, I like him," she said. "I take it that's who I'll be chief M.O. with?"
Hawk nodded yes with a small smile. "Along with Psyche Out our resident psychiatrist, who also has surgical training if you and Lifeline ever need a spare pair of hands. Our field medic Stretcher is also surgically qualified."
"When do I report for duty?"
"How soon can you leave?"
Dr. Carla Greer was ready to go the next day. She followed Hawk to the Infirmary at the PIT and was swept up in a big hug by Lifeline. "I knew you'd do well," he murmured into her ear.
"I have a really good source of inspiration," she whispered back.
"Welcome aboard Sweetie," Stretcher grinned when Lifeline let go of her.
"Thanks Tom," Doc smiled then whooped when he easily lifted her off the ground in a hug.
As the two separated Hawk asked that Lifeline and Doc follow him into the situation room so Carla could be introduced to the rest of the team. Stretcher stayed behind to keep an eye on things in the Infirmary.
"I've asked you all here so I can formally introduce our new medical officer, Dr. Carla Greer," Hawk announced as the crowd of Joes settled down. "She'll be co-chief M.O with Psyche Out and Lifeline, who vouches for her entirely. And if the name seems familiar to a lot of you, she is the niece and goddaughter of Carl Greer." Hawk watched for a moment as a wave of astonishment went through his troops. "In honour and memory of her uncle, we've given her the code name Doc." Hawk winced at the roar of appreciation that resulted from his statement. "Alright, alright, let me hand the mic over to her and let her say a few words."
Lifeline gave her shoulder a squeeze as Carla stepped forward. "I'll be the first one to tell you that I never thought I'd be taking Uncle Carl's place. I never wanted to," she paused for a moment. "And I know how badly many of you miss my uncle…Lord knows a day doesn't go by that I don't think of him and wish he were still alive. But I will say that he is largely responsible for me wanting to be a doctor ever since I was a little girl. And I know his legacy is a big one to live up to, but I'll sure as Hell try my damndest." Like Hawk, Carla winced at the roar that came from the crowd. "Damn you all are loud!"
As the newly christened Doc was greeted individually by the team, she quickly figured out who had known her uncle and who hadn't. Instead of handshakes, she found herself wrapped in bear hugs from most of the men as they stepped forward to congratulate her. The women all shook her hand except for five of them who had stood to the side to wait their turn. Scarlet, Lady Jaye, Cover Girl, Jinx, and an airplane mechanic who went by the handle of Dallas waited patiently until Doc had been greeted by everyone else.
"Welcome to the team Darlin', your Uncle'd be proud," Dallas said as she gave Doc a hug.
"It's an honour," Jinx had said when it was her turn.
"You need anything, don't hesitate to ask," Jaye added.
"What she said, anything at all," Scarlet said.
"I thought Uncle Carl was full of it when he said he worked with you," Doc said when it was Cover Girl's turn.
"I had a feeling that you were the 'favourite niece' I'd signed that poster for years ago," Cover Girl laughed as she got her own hug in.
"I'm sure you have a lot to do as do we," Scarlet said. "We'll catch up with you later."
"Sure thing," Doc smiled. She waited until the room was empty before she let a few tears fall. Lifeline wrapped an arm around her shoulders as she wiped them away. "I have some awfully big shoes to fill don't I?" she asked.
"You'll be fine," the gentle doctor said, placing a kiss on her temple. "Come on, your domain awaits." Doc laughed as the two returned to the Infirmary.
Stretcher looked up when they entered and asked how it had gone. Doc laughed at how that kind of attention could get to a girl's head, when she told him about all the hugs and kisses she'd received. After a few hours, Doc had been introduced to the nursing staff and familiarised with several local specialists that were on call. She'd meet the resident psychiatrist when he returned later in the day from a visit to his family in San Francisco. Doc remembered where everything was, down to the last piece of butterfly tape when Lifeline finally directed her to the desk that she would be using. There was a computer monitor and keyboard on the neat desk and a worn pamphlet. Glancing at Lifeline out of the corner of her eye, she picked up the pamphlet, figuring it to be a prank. She realised it wasn't when she read the simple cover. Lifeline left her alone for a moment and went to get coffee for both of them as Doc sat down and opened the pamphlet.
The Doctor's Handguide to Surviving as Chief Medical Officer in GI Joe
By Dr Carl Greer MD, aka Doc.
Additions by Dr Edwin Steen MD, aka Lifeline and Dr Kenneth Rich MD Psychiatry, aka Psyche Out.
You might think that you've made the big time, landing the CMO job for this outfit, but you're wrong. G. is no ordinary outfit. These are the toughest men and women you will ever come across in your life; as a result they'll also be the most difficult patients you'll ever care for. This is a thankless job and there are times I think that you have to be a little mentally unhinged to actually want to take it on. However the rewards, both personally and professionally pale to the experience that you'll gain here…provided these maniacs don't drive you into a padded room for the rest of your life.
-Doc.
The last line had her howling in laughter as she read on.
"You might think your uncle's kidding, but I'd take those tips to heart Sweetie," Stretcher said when he heard her laughing. He'd been the one to place the pamphlet on her desk when she was being introduced to the team earlier.
"Gotcha. So how come your name isn't up here?" Doc asked, indicating the notations on the cover.
"Oh don't worry, Lifeline and I made the field medic's version of that Handguide years ago," he replied, holding up an equally worn pamphlet. "You get to read this one after you're done with that."
"I see," Doc chuckled. "Thank you Lifeline," she piped up suddenly when a cup of coffee materialised on her desk.
"I could hear the laughter down the hall," he said as he took a seat on the edge of his own desk. "Believe me when I say that those tips and pointers will make your life a lot easier around here." Doc gave him a thumbs up and continued to read.
Ninjas- As you have probably learned by now, ninjas are indeed real and there are several on the Joes roster. They get their own entry as they are the biggest pains in the ass when it comes to needing medical treatment. Ninjas seem to think that it is their right and privilege to sneak out of the Infirmary when they think that they are in the shape to do so. After much consideration and debate, it has been decided that the use of tranq guns does not violate the Hippocratic Oath you swore in medical school. There are documented cases in the medical files where it clearly shows that the use of a tranquiliser gun has actually saved the life of a ninja or two. Rangers, SEALs, and Marines also tend to think they can leave whenever they feel like it, and are the other main targets you may find yourself aiming at down the scope of a tranq gun.
-Doc
Every ninja on base has had to be tranqued at least once since we began using the guns for their own safety. You'd think that they'd learn that we mean business. Alas they don't. They see it as a challenge to escape even with the threat of getting shot in the ass with a tranq dart.
-Psyche Out
Though not officially listed as a 'ninja', Scarlet is counted in their number and has been on the receiving end of a tranq dart or two over the years.
-Lifeline
"Tranq guns?" Doc stammered.
"You saw them in the weapons locker," Lifeline pointed out.
"I thought those were for the dog handlers," she admitted.
"Nope. They're for the ninjas and others who enjoy sneaking out of here when they really should stay," Stretcher added.
"Don't worry I'll train you how to use them," Lifeline offered.
"You're a staunch pacifist," Doc snorted and Lifeline smirked.
"I'm also the best shooter in the Infirmary," he replied.
"If it's a ninja escape, we just let him tranq them," Stretcher added, jerking a thumb at Lifeline.
"Okay now I know you two are jerking my chain," Doc huffed, folding her arms across her chest. Lifeline and Stretcher just shrugged, before Lifeline went over to the weapon's locker and got out one of the tranquiliser rifles and some darts. He returned to his desk and Doc gaped as he expertly loaded the rifle and took aim at a painting on the far wall some fifty feet away.
"Clear," Lifeline warned and took his shot. Doc's jaw dropped when she saw where the dart landed. The painting was of a fisherman fishing in a river, and the dart landed right where his heart would be. Lifeline called out 'clear' a few more times and all the shots landed in vital areas of the fisherman in the painting. "Granted we aim for the shoulder, butt, or thigh of an escapee, but that was for demonstration purposes," he told Doc.
"Told you," Stretcher smirked. "Low Light considers it a great tragedy that Lifeline is one of the best shots on base."
"Oh my God…" Doc was still floored at what she'd just witnessed.
"I wasn't aiming at anyone in basic so it didn't go against my principals," Lifeline admitted as he put the gun away and retrieved the spent darts from the painting. "I know it's a shock, but trust me you'll get over it quickly when you have your first escapee," he added as he disposed the darts into the hazardous materials bin.
"When was the last time you shot that thing at someone?" Doc asked.
"Lifeline had to go ninja hunting last week, because Snake Eyes can't follow simple orders to stay put," Stretcher laughed.
"Besides being the only one who can usually hit them, the other reason you'd want to leave the ninjas to me is that I can usually take their idea of revenge in hand to hand training," Lifeline added.
"Say what?" Doc gaped.
"Fifth degree black belt in Aikido," Lifeline proclaimed. "I can defend myself from a pissed off ninja."
"Okay," Doc mumbled and went back to reading.
As you will learn, rules and regulations tend to be a little lax around here. General Hawk feels that it is a privilege his team has earned, as they really are the best at what they do. Just remember the credo of 'doctor/patient confidentiality' when you have visitors for wounded patients laid up in the ward.
-Doc
Doc already knew about the lax attitude towards military regulations so she just read on. As she was reading, Psyche Out wandered in and spied the spent darts in the hazardous materials bin.
"I missed the tranq gun demo," he pouted as he went over to Doc's desk to officially welcome her aboard. She shook her head as he leaned down to hug her and kiss her temple. "If you want, just leave patient tranqing to us," he offered. "We're pros." Stretcher and Lifeline laughed as Psyche Out took a seat as his desk.
"I can't even believe that's in here," Doc said indicating the pamphlet.
"Oh you'll believe it in no time," Psyche Out stated.
"How was San Francisco?" Stretcher asked.
"Fabulous as always!" the psychiatrist said waving his hand flamboyantly. "I got home just in time for Pride Week too."
"Your Dad and Julian must have been thrilled," Lifeline commented.
"Well the reason I went home, was because Julian got his own gallery show at the MOMA," Psyche Out said. "It was a big hit too." He glanced over and saw the confused look on Doc's face. "My father's partner is a photographer," he explained.
"Your Dad's gay?" Doc asked curiously.
"Yep. He married my mother back in the day when homosexuality was still considered a mental illness," he explained. "He realised that the marriage was doomed to fail and told my mother that he was gay. She left the next day figuring that I was probably 'tainted' like my Dad."
"How old were you?" Doc asked incredulously.
"At most about eighteen months old," he replied. "I never knew her. Dad met Julian about a year and a half later and they've been together ever since," Psyche Out explained. Doc just shook her head. "That's actually the reason I got into psychiatry. I'm a straight man who was raised by two gay men, and I can't stand the stigmas and stereotypes that exist even to this day," he added.
"I'd believe it," Doc concurred. "I bet you just love Don't Ask, Don't Tell," she retorted.
"Oh God no, don't get him started!" Lifeline pleaded.
"Let's just say that anyone who may ever confess that they are gay in here will be defended to the ends of the earth," Psyche Out stated and indicated that it stood for Lifeline and Stretcher as well.
"Count me in on that one," Doc declared.
"Good."
"MOMA?" Lifeline piped up to distract the psychiatrist.
"Oh God yeah! He has a whole floor to himself there," Psyche Out exclaimed.
"Did Julian's buddies try and get you in drag for Pride Week again?" Stretcher asked and Psyche Out laughed.
"Of course, and as always they did a great job of it," he replied.
"I've seen pictures and he's actually a very pretty woman," Lifeline said at Doc's amused look.
"If I didn't know any better and I saw him in drag, I'd hit on him," Stretcher added.
Doc blushed and hid behind the pamphlet as she went on reading. Psyche Out reached into his desk and pulled out a small photo album that he tossed onto her desk. She glanced at it for a second before opening it. "Oh man! You're one of those pretty queens too!" she said when she saw a series of pictures of the psychiatrist as he was made up.
He waggled his eyebrows at her. "I only ever drag up when I'm roped into it," he said as Doc continued to look through the photos. When she was done with the album, she set it aside and went back to the pamphlet, while the other three continued to talk amongst themselves.
Regardless of your specialty, you will find that you are occasionally needed to lend a sympathetic ear every once in a while. This team sees things that would make other units fall apart.
-Doc
In the event that a soldier has experienced an especially traumatic episode, by all means provide what assistance/comfort you can and inform me as soon as you can.
-Psyche Out
Doc chewed her lip as she read on.
As you will learn, highly trained experts get very easily bored. Injuries that have been treated in the past are usually the result of said boredom. If it is the case of a patient confined to the ward, it is recommended that you have any number of distractions on hand. However there are exceptions, and the following list contains distractions that are NOT allowed in the Infirmary.
-Doc
Medical personnel are also prone to bouts of boredom and we have concocted a few distractions that always provide quality entertainment. However those pastimes can be considered dangerous and when engaged in them, make sure you put the white flag outside the door for anyone to alert you that they are about to enter.
-Lifeline
Patients restricted to the ward are encouraged to participate if we happen to be playing such fun games as Scalpel Darts, Hypodermic Needle Balancing, or any number of fun games we can come up with involving medical equipment. It makes their stay here pleasant for us.
-Psyche Out
Doc read the list of prohibited distractions and blinked a few times. "There are board games that aren't allowed in here?"
"RISK, Monopoly, Battleship, Candyland, and Uno only," Stretcher answered. "Scrabble's okay as long as it is made perfectly clear that the CMO on duty has the final word when it comes to a word being valid or not…and yeah foreign languages count."
"They tend to turn violent," Lifeline added.
"I still say we should add Trivial Pursuit to that list," Psyche Out stated looking at Lifeline pointedly.
"You only want it added because you'll never beat me at it," Lifeline retorted.
"I dunno, the shrink's got a point man. You are harsh when you gloat," Stretcher piped up. Lifeline glared at him out of the corner of his eye, although he was fighting to keep from smiling.
"You all are too much," Doc laughed.
Later that night as she turned in, she glanced to a photo on her dresser. She was eleven at the time and she was leaning on her Uncle at a picnic in the picture. "I know you complained about these guys all the time, but I'll care for them and love them just like you did Uncle Carl. That's a promise," she vowed.
A week later Doc did indeed discover that having tranq guns on hand was a really good idea as Storm Shadow had slipped out on her when her back was turned. The ninja had been shot to hell and had had seven bullets removed from his abdomen. It had been less than twenty four hours since he had come out of surgery and the ninja had figured her for the easiest to escape from. Storm Shadow would wake up several hours later, back in the Infirmary with Doc sitting at her desk nearby. "Pull that stunt again and I'll personally have you sedated for your entire stay here," she warned. "Keep glaring Honey and I'll have Lifeline teach me how to use that gun…and you'll be the target," she added.
"Hnn, I misjudged you. I won't make that mistake again," he muttered.
"Damn right you won't," she replied, matching his glare with a look of confidence.
FIN